Being a parent is SOOO hard!
April 7, 2008 4:19pm CST
Man, being a mommy is so much harder than I ever imagined. I have a son who just turned 6 and a daughter who just turned 4. Seems the older they get, the harder and more serious the decisions are. I am scared to death that I will screw up! I grew up in a home with both parents and they love me, but my mom has some serious issues...never happy with anything any of us kids did. Never happy with what her kids' kids do now. It's never good enough. Because of all her emotional abuse and blackmail thru the years, me an dmy sisters are all really meek and timid and low self esteem. While I am not going to go into all my stuff with my mom, I just had to give a little background for this reason...I do NOT want to make my kids feel stupid, immature, self conscious, etc about themselves. Because of this, I have a hard time knowing what to do in situations. My son had a bad dream the other day that I died...when I took him to TaeKwonDo practice that day, I went downstairs to the library and he really freaked out. he couldn't breath, cried, etc. I felt horrible for him...but I really didn't know whether I should make him go back to practice or not. My gut told me to talk to him and give him the option of going back that day because he ws really embarrassed about crying. Anyhow, I did what my gut said...but my mom started teasing him later in the day. She told me I should have MADE him go back because he was being a cry baby and I was teaching him how to be a quitter. Is that true??? Did I do the wrong thing by letting him not finish the day? There are many things that I question when it comes to teaching my kids and disciplining them. I am so scared I will do or say the wrong thing and then my kids will be scared for life. I don't want to be the cause of therapy for my kids later in life and I don't want them to turn into social rejects because of me...it's SOOO hard to know what is right and what is wrong when it comes to parenting!
3 people like this
• United States
8 Apr 08
You did what you thought was best. That is all we can do. I do not think the way she told you to handle it would have been right. Sounds cruel. My son was 6 and was on the playground crying, when the aide asked him what was wrong,he told them that someone broke in our house during the night and killed his dad. Of course, they quickly escorted him to the office, to try and sort things out. Evidently he had a dream or something during the night. One of the other aides was friends with my mom and called her to find out if things were ok. They talked to him for a while and it took a while to convince him that nothing had happened, but they got him calmed down and sent him back to class.
8 Apr 08
I'm going to begin by cutting straight down to the part where your son was crying at your leaving him, because of the fear his dream had left him with. You handled the situation in the best way you saw fit, and it's nothing to do with your mother, whatsoever. It was she made you meek and timid, and you have to change all that now for yourself and for your kids' sakes. You need to find strength for them, and confidence that you are teaching them what you think is right. Personally, I wouldn't have handled it the way you did, but that's beside the point... we all have our own ideas. Your mum is trying to "control" everybody in the family because she hasn't dealt with her own emotional abuse and blackmail issues. She was "controlled", so she thinks she should now retaliate, by "controlling" others. You either have to talk with her and sort things out, or don't include her in your childrens' upbringings because she is placing a lot of negatives in your path. You need to get rid of these negatives and apply a positive approach with your children. Never think you're not doing the right thing by them, because if you love them and want them to do well, you're not. Parenting will come naturally to you. Be assertive with them, but in a gentle way, if you get my drift. Praise them when they do well, but if they do badly, sit down and talk with them. Ask them if there's a problem they'd like to share. Spend a lot of time with them, both in play, and in chores, and always listen when they want to talk. Don't always give in to crying... try to get to the root of it, and put it right, there and then. The day your son was crying and finding it difficult to breathe, he had dreamed about you dying and didn't want you to go out of his sight. That's understandable, and you dealt with it in a positive way. It doesn't matter what anybody else thought about it, as long as it worked between the two of you. I could ramble on for hours here, but I don't think it would help much, so I'll sum up. Get rid of the negatives (your mother's taunts and dissatisfaction), adopt the positives, (your own confidence, your kids' happiness and confidence) and I'm sure everything will be ok, in that you've done your best, and shaped their lives for the future. You can't do any more, so please don't beat yourself up. Just your love and understanding goes a long, long way with your kids. Brightest Blessings, in the hope that you find your way through this, and your kids grow up to make you proud of your efforts. x
8 Apr 08
‘never happy with anything any of us kids did’ I can relate to you so much, its almost scary. Don’t know my mom’s sunsign but to her she is the most perfect being on earth and everybody around is just good-for-nothing. Same for her own child i.e. me and for me it was worse coz I was an only child and had nobody even remotely close to my age to share and understand. She had an open hand with me and boy! did I grow up insecure and unsure of myself. As it is being a virgo, I was an introvert and she rubbed it in me throughout my growing years. Its only much later, when I was hating myself so much for buckling down everytime that I read a lot on my sunsign, its positives and negatives and have now consciously improved myself. BUT regarding motherhood, I have made certain mistakes which I don’t want you to repeat. For one: I have given my son too much liberty to choose his own mind just because my mom never asked my opinion on anything. I grew up indecisive (still am, depend on my hubby now) but I wanted my son to grow up decisive and on the flip side of it, at 8+yrs, he has such a strong mind of his own that it is becoming difficult for me to say no. Secondly, I have allowed him to mix with too many different people coz again during my childhood I was forbidden to mix with anybody (so I could not be ‘influenced’ by these imperfect mortals) and so never could differentiate between good and bad people in my early youth. I wanted him to know for himself but its only recently that I have understood that his brain is not mature enough to handle it. There are many such things which I wanted to change for my son, but the thing is that I changed it too quickly for him. Regarding the sissy thing, I have never lifted him from a fall, he accuses me of it but I still don’t do it. I would advise you not to do it too. I mean you can ofcourse lift him, cuddle him, calm him down but firmly you have to send him back. Under no circumstances should he be allowed to skip a routine class, except for emergencies. He must learn to handle his embarrassments, there will be many more such incidents in the future, but this should never be an excuse for him to skip class and you should not set a precedence.
8 Apr 08
There is an old saying in the china:No qualified children if parents don't try to instructing?
8 Apr 08
yes it is too hard to become a parent, for the meantime i have a son whic is 1 yr and 9 months old, i want to be a good mother to him, i reaaly love to watch him everyday. but i have to work to earn money for our everyday nessecities and to prepare for the delivery of my next child on september. so i cant watch over him.
• United States
7 Apr 08
I think there comes a time in life when you have to make hard decisions for the greater good. In this case, that decision would be whether or not you want your mom to continue being involved in your life and your children's lives. You know how it felt to be raised by a woman who constantly criticized you and made you feel like you were never good enough. Do you want her to have that same impact on your children's lives? Have you ever sat her down and explained to her how you felt growing up being constantly criticized? And how that has affected you in the present? As a parent, you are always going to question yourself and your decisions when it comes to your kids. Personally, if I am unsure about something I go with my gut instinct and it has always turned out right. Your kids look to you for unconditional love and support. Just be there for them, listen when they need to talk, and don't criticize them. Learn from your mom's mistakes. Being a parent is the hardest thing in the world, but be confident in yourself and know that no matter what you are doing the best that you can possibly do. Good luck!
• United States
8 Apr 08
I know what you mean. I have two boys 4 and almost 6 and desisions can be hard sometimes. I dont think you did the wrong thing at all. I would have done what you did. Talk to him about what happened and give him the option of returning or not. As far as your mom goes how inmature of her to tease him over it!! I would have told her to but out! He is your child and you are the parent not her! She should have no say in how you raise him and what desisions you make together. Your not teaching him to be a quitter. Hes only 6 for crying out loud. Kids have alot of emotions as do adults and we have to nurture them. You were being a good parent. Just because he went home that time dosent mean he wont go back. He was upset because of a scary dream he had. Just follow your gut and you will do great as a parent. As long as you love and nurture your child they will grow up into wonderfull people. I dont want to sound rude or harsh but your mom needs to back off! She will be the one to cause him grief later in life. You need to stand up to her and let her know how you feel. She has already scared you and shouldnt be allowed to do it to your child. ~May The Kisses Of An Angel Cover And Protect You Always~ Copper
7 Apr 08
it is really hard to be a parent specially when the people around you put you down rather than support you. i understand what you are going through because my older sister is like that too. she is still single up to now at the age of 38 no boyfriend. she even tell me infront of my children that she is a better parent to my children than i am..... when i am telling my children to not do this things because it is bad she will tell my children that i am a headache when i was still a kid. now i am single mom of four children for 7 years now and we live far from her. she visits every once in a while but my children are teens now and they do understand that my older sister is just looking for attention and thye are in their right mind to think if what my sister is saying. if it is the truth or not. being a parent again is not easy it has no salary and no day off... it is hard but we have to stick on what we think is right because we parents specially mothers will not do anytjing to harm our children. we always wants whats best for us. your mom sounds like a very childish woman and imature as well.
• United States
9 Apr 08
The best I can tell you is to teach them strong morals, compassion and honesty. Teach them to be good to each other and those around them, to take responsibility for their actions and to treat others the way they want to be treated. Teach them to think before they act and to stand up for what they believe in. You teach them this and you give them the tools to become good adults. They still have to make their own choices but with a good upbringing and prayer they'll learn to do what's right. **AT PEACE WITHIN** ~~STAND STRONG IN YOUR BELIEFS~~
• United States
8 Apr 08
I was talking with someone about this the other day. Our kids are adults now and it seems like being a Mom has become harder than ever! Their problems are so much bigger and harder to deal with. Believe me you will figure everything out as it comes along while they are small but don't rush them into getting bigger...it just gets worse...lol...
7 Apr 08
I believe you did the right thing when you gave him an option not to go back to Taekwando. You are right it is very difficult to be a parent. Your have a 4 year old and 6 year old. At this age it is still easy to handle them and more difficult when thay reach their adolescence. The best thing to handle children is to be very understanding of their needs and show them you love them both in action and in words. We should be very supportive of the things they do. Praise the good deeds and work well done in school this will boost their confidence and self esteem. We should also set rules in the house and be firm. This is to discipline them. When my kid does wrong I talk things over with him and explain what is wrong with what he has done and NOT that he is bad because he did the wrong thing. When he knows what he did is wrong - he won't commit the same mistake again.Give and show LOVE and you will get love and respect in return.
16 Jan 09
When children grow up, they will have their own thought, the older they get, the more thoughts they have. Sometimes to parents, they can do understand what their children think, and why they love those strange things. And you may find that your children have an idea which can not acceptable. This diference may make to feel echausted whne you take care of them.
8 Apr 08
I am just the age to get a baby,for what you said I am very scared .If I pregnant now,I will worry about wheather the baby grows well in my stomach,wheather I can get the baby successful?wheather I can go to work while I pregnant? Mybe I will aslo worry about like you when they grow up. I think it is difficult to get a Baby.