your choice - live in partner or marriage... the pros and cons, huh?

@jairgirl (2877)
United States
April 7, 2008 7:14pm CST
i use to think that marriage is the foundation of forever love and any two who's been united by God and or law should not be separated in any means. then i look to most relationship, i see a lot of marriage falling apart and after just few months they are already talking divorce. i have talk to so many couples in the past and they give me this feeling that a marriage is not the key of a life long relationship. marriage is just a paper and or a ticket so the society can accept you and be not judge by most. i see it part true coz i have seen others who are living together being judge by most religious people and giving them the tag of "SINNERS", maybe to their holy book it is but i find it hypocritical seeing others (i even have friends and relatives) who is so religious and then found out they are living with their partner or they are cheating with their husbands or wives. i have nothing against it, it is their life,,, i just find it sad if there is a kid hurting and a heart in pain coz of ones decision to cheat. i am married but even if i dont and i am just living with him as long as i am happy and we are not hurting anybody and we are good person why will it matter? i know that if you are living together here in US for i think at least a year then you are considered as a legal partner and you can get exemptions to some tax (not really sure bout this). i have seen a lot of couples struggling with this issue. i for one is PRO to marriage and living together as long as the couple is happy and they both agree that such relationship is acceptable for them. and if they have a kid out of marriage they should still love and accept the kid as their own no matter what happen. we see this often now (live-in partner) by those whose been hurt by sad or bad marriage and they think live-in will give them more time to get to know each other and find out if they are really meant to be together. anyway, what's your thought for this? any experience you want to share? love to hear from you and thanks for posting!
4 people like this
12 responses
@jewilim (495)
• Philippines
8 Apr 08
I guess the difference between being married and living in is that, if you are living in you have no commitment to your partner, i mean if you would like to get separated then you just can go your separate ways, unlike being married its not easy to get separated because you have an obligation to fulfill to your family. When you have a child if you live in , the child would be called an illegitimate child, unlike if you are married your child would be called a legitimate child. And when i comes to taxes, i think if you are married (or if you have a spouse) you would have lesser tax to pay and if your have more child(or dependents) you would have much lesser tax to pay. Im just not sure if it also applies to illegitimate child/ren.
1 person likes this
@jairgirl (2877)
• United States
8 Apr 08
hi jewilim, thanks for dropping by and sharing your views. i consider it as a beauty of living together coz you dont have to undergo so much paper works and money just to get out of the relationship. also some countries (i think some asian country - not sure) dont have divorced so it is harder coz they cant have another chance of finding a love and often times if they have a partner after a broken marriage they are look down and judge by the society. so i fee it is the BEAUTY of it. whether you're married or not, if you have a kid from such relationship no matter what happen it is your responsibility, i am happy to know that more and more country are accepting that a kid out of marriage should not be considered legitimate and should have the same right as the legal ones coz really it is not their fault nor choice to be inn such position. also, being called or labeled as illegitimate brings so much negativity and trauma to a kid and it is not healthy, we should all be watchful and responsible with our words. you are correct with the taxes, but like i said, some countries are accepting tax deduction if they have dependents with them (doesnt have to be legal or not - im just talking about some states and i think even in EU country) anyway, great post! appreciate it a lot! takecare!
@sid556 (30989)
• United States
8 Apr 08
To me marriage is just a piece of paper. The real basis of any relationship is the convictions of the people involved. I have been married and my husband was abusive and cheated. It was a lot of hassle to get my name changed to his and then back to mine again. I'd never do it again. Living together for 7 years is common law marriage but I don't believe it is recognized legally in all states. I don't really see the need for marriage. I guess it is a personal choice. To some it is important and that is fine as long as they are happy. I have been on my own for a long while now and I'm at the point where I will date but I don't even have a desire to live with a man. I need too much personal space. I like being single and on my own too much.
1 person likes this
@jairgirl (2877)
• United States
8 Apr 08
hi sid, sorry to hear about your story, i admire you completely. i know how hard it is. my sister-in-law is in the same process coz my estrange brother keeps cheating on her and abused her when they are together, i told her it is time to move on and she will have my support even though he is my brother. i think sometime the lover is too blind to see what is really going on in their life - such a distraction and she do admit it but dont have the heart to accept it. i think in some states if you separated for 3yrs then you are legally separated and can easily get the divorced. its just that it always ends up being nasty and one or the other will end up having the trauma of having a relationship again. yes, this matter is a personal decision and shouldnt be affected by others BUT just by own will and desire. i feel that you are doing the right thing of loving yourself more and just wait for the right time to love again and or just entertain it. i have encountered someone who is just like you and they are happy now finding their 2nd or 3rd love, who knows right? anyway, congrats on doing the right thing! i wish there is so much girls like you ( i keep wishing that for my sis-in-law coz i want her to be happy and not be treated like crap all the time) i wish you all the best! takecare!
@surfette (674)
• United States
8 Apr 08
You have started a very interesting conversation here. Mostly, I think it is up to the couple involved and their feelings of commitment and love whether they have a piece of paper or not. My husband and I only lived together a few weeks before we decided to get married, because that is what was right for us. We also wanted to purchase a home and thought it would be better to purchase it as a married couple. Now my sister and her partner have been together for over 30 years and they are not married legally. They have such a wonderful loving bond for each other and would never think of cheating on each other. When they purchase a home, they draw up the paperwork 50/50 and make sure the documents are legally in place. They do have two grown children and they both have their father's last name. This has worked out beautifully for them, but it is not right for everyone. So many marriages fail miserably within the first year or two and divorce can be an ugly and expensive out. It is no wonder that fear of marriage is very real.
@jairgirl (2877)
• United States
8 Apr 08
hi surfette, thanks for sharing your views regarding this matter. i completely agree with you. i have seen a lot of couple whose been together for more than 10yrs and still happy even without marriage. i also witness this old lady who says at her time marriage is like a doctrine but she didnt get one but still happy with her partner for almost 60yrs. i dont know where to draw the line., i guess it is decided by the couple and not by the society. often times the only reason why a couple will get married is because it is dictated by their family or group and i honestly feel it is not fair and real for the couple coz it is not really theirs. i admire your sister, i think in this life we should care less about what others thoughts about us, as long as we are happy and not hurting anybody then go for it. i think it is smarter to live together before marriage but again that is only my views coz i see a lot of man changing at least 6months after marriage. or the girl having a hard time living with the man after the marriage. i wish there is a way to change the law regarding the legality of it, like you said part of the reason you guys get married is to avoid the confusions of rights (i hope i get this one right) btw, my husband and i live together for quite sometime coz he just got his divorced and i am afraid of having a man same as my father and brother so two partners having fears to start with is not an easy one. my family is so against it even my friends coz i grew up in a very religious family and up bringing. but like i said, it is my life and no matter what others say i dont let that affect me coz it is my life i am driving not theirs. now, most of my family and some friends are having difficulties in the marriage not that i am saying "i told you so", its just that i cant help but roll my eyes coz they once dictate me and degrade me as a person coz of my personal choice. anyway, i am a very happy wife. my husband and i are no longer afraid and we know we will always be there to protect each other no matter what happen. i am very grateful and if i will relive my life again i will do it over and over again. no matter what they say... thanks again and wish you all the best! takecare!
@jhl930 (3605)
• United States
8 Apr 08
i think personally that it is a better idea to live together a little while before you get married because i have heard of marriages that will fail because they can't live with each other after they are married or something like that and i wouldn't want that to happen..so i mean why is it going to hurt you living together before you get married i mean its going to be the same your not going to love one another more after you are married and when your not jhl930
@jairgirl (2877)
• United States
8 Apr 08
hello, agreed with you 100%. i have this friend who complaints a lot about her marriage. she thought she knew this man before they get married coz he is so sweet and all that. i told her the day of her marriage (civil) that if she is not sure of what she is doing then dont play with the fire. she didnt listen to me coz she is pregnant and thinks she is doing the right thing. i told her being pregnant is not the sole reason of two person uniting for marriage, it is because of love and the vow that no matter what happen they will stand with each other. now she is very unhappy and told me that she didnt know the person she is with now. she didnt realize that it is all superficial and the man she used to know is only good when they are dating. anyway, i am not saying that we should live with our partner first before we get to know them. there are so many ways to fully know your partner and even to those who live together they still dont know their partner 100% reason why there is a divorce rate as well to those who live together and get married after.. no matter what, love and life is a gamble it is all in our hands if we will win or lose and even though we lose, it is still in our hands to have another one. anyway, thanks for sharing your views. not sure if you are in a relationship, still, i wish you and your love all the best. takecare!
• United States
8 Apr 08
I think marriage is just a piece of paper. It doesn't bring love, happiness, or commitment into a relationship if those things weren't there to begin with. I currently live with my partner. We have no plans for marriage because we don't think it would change anything anyway. We're happy with the way things are. As for the legality of it, it varies by state. In some states people are considered legally married if they live together as a couple for more than seven years. I do not live in one of those states, however, so my partner and I will never be legally married unless we actually get married, and we're both fine with that. :)
1 person likes this
@mefadon3 (298)
• United States
8 Apr 08
Marriage is honorable to God and we need to not worry about what people think, but what does God think and how does he view our situations. Even though their are religious people that bash couples for living together, it is God who judges. People are going to talk about each other, whether we are doing good or bad. So leave people out of this one and focus on how God views it.
@jairgirl (2877)
• United States
8 Apr 08
hello mefadon. glad to hear a different views, i just have a question though, hope you dont mind. here it goes, God teaches LOVE, a couple who loves and respect each other and not doing nothing wrong other than being together without marriage will be judge by god coz they are sinners? is that what you mean? also God says he forgives the sinners so that means no matter what happened He will always forgives them. i didnt mean to offend you i just want to understand the belief and i do have respect with everybody's religion, so my apology if i offend you in some ways. thanks and hoping to hear from your side. takecare!
1 person likes this
@jairgirl (2877)
• United States
9 Apr 08
hello again, glad to know that i did not offend you in any way, i am just trying to understand. that is my point exactly to those who says they are believers but do the opposite of what they believe (i am not judging you nor others - i dont believe on it so to me i am just pointing based on what i read) that to me is hypocritical and shouldnt say they believe if they cannot follow. i once asked the same question to a friend of mine coz she is a preacher herself but got pregnant by her boyfriend. i did not judge her but just think it is lip service only when she preach and do the other way round and claimed SHE IS ONLY HUMAN,,, another thing, it is written somewhere in the bible (i think) that who ever is unite by god should not be separated by man... so how come we have divorced? and any religious group will honor another marriage, doesnt that sound strange? so out of curiosity, if we can married over and over again, as long as we are married then we are still contradicting God's order of the 1st couple he united. anyway, this is really complicated,,, haha! sorry i have so many questions. it is not directed to oppose you in any way, i am just giving you a different side and give some thoughts to ponder. thanks for coming back and i really appreciate your time here. takecare!
@mefadon3 (298)
• United States
9 Apr 08
The reason why we have so many divorces is because we did not consult God about who we should marry. The bible said what God put together, let no man put asunder. Translation: If God put 2 people together then they should not divorce. However, God did not put everybody together, we made a choice contrary to God's will for our mate and picked someone that was not designed for us and we wonder why we are having a lot of difficulties in our marriages. Everyone should believe in God whether they wish to serve him or not. Just because you are a Christian does not mean you automatically do not make mistakes. There is a difference on purposely sinning, and making a mistake. God knows our hearts and our intentions so I let him be the judge of who sins purposely and who just made a mistake.
@kezabelle (2984)
8 Apr 08
I am not married to my partner, to be honest though I think we made a bigger commitment than any marriage and that was choose to have children together I would not have done so if I was not sure we would be together for years to come. You can make a commitment to someone without marrying them if it is a commitment in your mind then it will be just as binding as marriage just maybe not legally binding. To me marrying my partner will make no difference to our relationship or to how we feel about each other so we are in no rush to do so
@jairgirl (2877)
• United States
8 Apr 08
hello kezabelle, a commitment to each other is very important specially in case like this, most people think it is such a gamble to be in such relationship coz in the end there is no legal rights in case the relationship didnt work out. BUt to those who chose this and still happy, my congratulations then. yes, a committed couple is much better than a couple who is married but not committed to each other. im happy that you guys are happy with your decision, it is not the paper that counts but the love you guys have with each other. im sure your kids are happy despite the lack of marriage coz they have a happy and in love parents. i wish you all the best and cute little girl... i assume she's your daughter... takecare!
@kezabelle (2984)
9 Apr 08
Yes I agree if we did ever split there would be no legal rights for me to anything but I know my partner is a better man than to deprive me of anything even if we did split up. I think as long as the couple are happy then that is what is important, and yes that is my little girl I have an older daughter also x
@jairgirl (2877)
• United States
10 Apr 08
that is really great then, he is for keeps then :) im happy to know that he is responsible man and even if worst comes in you know you can always depends on him. another beauty of such set up coz you dont have to spend money to hire lawyers and or be nasty about the divorce. you have a very cute daughter and im sure the older one too. lucky you! takecare and goodnigt!
• United States
8 Apr 08
I have been living with my boyfriend for a year and I have not received any opposition from anyone except my mother. She is completely against it, which is why I haven't confirmed to her that I am living with my boyfriend because if I do, I know that she will not want to speak to me again until I get married. Whatever...I don't care. It's my life, not hers. I do want to get married but I first want to know the person that I am going to live with for the rest of my life. I don't want to get married first and then find out that the person I married is not right for me! I want marriage to be once and forever, which is why I am living with my boyfriend. And despite my mother's opposition, I don't believe I'm doing anything wrong. Plus, I think he is the One, so I strongly believe he's worth it.
@jairgirl (2877)
• United States
8 Apr 08
hello candiec2005, i ONCE been there haha except that MOST of my family and friends opposed it. like you, i dont care coz it is my life and not theirs. the only difference i make is that, i let them know and i make it clear whether they accept it or not i am sticking with it and it is up to them. i love my family, but i feel sometimes they just want to dictate and not really see my reasonings behind such decision. i think my mom realize that i will keep my words back then so eventually she accepts me and him i just dont want to hide anything from them specially her coz she is my mom and i want things straight. your reasoning is same as mine, and i assume its the same as for why most decide to do so in the first place. it will be easy to know the person when you live with him than just seeing and be together for dates. usually in times like that, both person are excited to be together so it is mostly nice and happy ones so that takes out the REAL getting to know each other stage. anyway, i wish you all the best and i hope you stand for what you feel is right and will make you happy in the end. takecare!
1 person likes this
• United States
8 Apr 08
Thank you! The same to you! :)
@jairgirl (2877)
• United States
8 Apr 08
my pleasure! takecare!
• India
8 Apr 08
i have nothing against those people who choose live-in against marriage.you get to know the person's likes and dislikes,nature,behaviour and a lot of things.you're not committed,ready to walk out anytime.there are hardly any joint assets people invest in so breaking up isn't so messy!but,i will certainly choose marriage over live-in.i might live in with my guy for some time or with my fiance but marriage will be the final step towards each other.it's in the sanctity of the relationship,though it is a social certificate being granted to couple to cohabitate together but just the feeling of being blessed by everyone.i remember what one of my friends said one day that when a man married a woman he's telling the world that she's taken and no one else has the business to do messing around with her!i loved these words and i still do!
@jairgirl (2877)
• United States
8 Apr 08
hello, thanks for posting. we all have our own reason for picking one over the other. like you i have nothing against living together coz i did that too, and like you i still prefer marriage after the process of getting to know each other fully (living together), my reason for that is because i told myself i am not letting my kid feels the same way i did growing up. it is my personal choice and i let him know about that upfront. i think it is always nice to be honest and let the partner know what's your preference in life and decide from that. yes, marriage is the license in our society and it is also a way of saying "he/she is taken" THOUGH, those who lives together is still considering themselves taken and will not cheat on their partner. just a different approach i guess... thanks again and wish you all the best in life. takecare!
• Italy
8 Apr 08
hi all i think just that the marriage its a simbolyc union, you dont need that to love a person. 2 persons who convive have the same rights of 2 married persons. maybe the pro of the marriage is that you and your partner feel more united and all your friends and relatives feel better, but the cons of the marriage are many, first of all the long operations to break with your partner and other legal stuff.... live in partner its way better, i used to live in partner with a girl 2 years ago, then she left but she couldnt ask me money/properties, i know it bad to think the option she would leave, but its better....bye bye
@jairgirl (2877)
• United States
8 Apr 08
hi giansaldo, thanks for posting (am i the first? haha) welcome here in mylot and hope you enjoy your stay. anyway, back to our topic. yes, your points is very realistic and just logical in my opinion. i used to believe and dream of my wedding day, i think most girls do. but in reality, it is no longer something to really dream about coz there are so many stuff to save for money other than a wedding. true, marriage is the BEST symbol of union (according to our society) but if you are unhappy and already wanting to get out of that relationship, such symbol is no use but a mere pain both financially and emotionally. i was thinking that a couple who is married and have a kid and is getting a divorced is more traumatic for the kids compared to the one who starts as a live in partner coz the kids are aware that there is no legal binds with their mom and dad. i know both hurts but it is more comprehensible for everybody I GUESS. in some culture, marriage is the only means to be accepted as part of the family, i dont agree on it but a culture is a culture to most. i dont think your former live in partner can contest such situation coz in the first place she already knew that she cannot ask for anything from you if you guys decided to break up and the same goes with you too. anyway, i hope both of you are happy despite the break up, been awhile now , but still a pain is a pain :) again, thanks for sharing your experience. takecare!
@Carolyn63 (1403)
• United States
8 Apr 08
Hi Sweetie. A piece of paper doesn't ensure love. It's the two people that determine the relationship. And yes, there are lots of people that look at being together without a piece of paper as being a sin. Love isn't a sin! I believe that as long as the two involved are happy, in love with one another, and growing in their relationship that is what matters. Some people stay stuck in old ideals, they don't compromise, they are jealous of the other individual if they move forward spiritually, emotionally, etc., and this causes most break ups. That, and money issues. The main thing I preach about relationships is something I myself learned years ago. "If there is a situation that arises frequently that upsets either of you, then it does need to be discussed and remedied. If it is something that most likely will never occur again, drop it." This saves you from a lot of useless and silly battles and helps you to work out the important things. I believe that every person we encounter touches our lives in some way. Sometimes for the good, sometimes for the bad, and sometimes to teach us something about ourselves. I don't believe that you should ever force a relationship. If you aren't happy, or grow in different directions, than you are only stifling yourselves. Do what you need to do to continue growing. Love isn't something you experience just from one person. It isn't the same type of love with every person. It boils down to not just one persons wants and needs, but what is good for both parties. If I felt that I was holding my husband back from happiness, stifling his creativity and growth, out of love I would step away and give him the chance to be all he can be. Sometimes love is about commitment. Sometimes love is letting go. Does living with someone ahead of time help? Only if both are honest and open about whom they truly are, what they hope for, and what thier needs are. Sometimes it is no more than a show. The truths don't come out till after that piece of paper is signed. Either way, it won't work unless both parties are actively involved, communicate, cooperate, and are willing to be honest with themselves and one another.
@jairgirl (2877)
• United States
8 Apr 08
hi carolyn, great post! i for one believe in individuality and i practiced what i say and not just a lip service. my family and friends dont agree with most of the stuff i choose in life, but over time i prove them wrong. i believe in my own and i am lucky that i can depend on my self's decision over something. yes, a piece of paper is not an assurance and a proof of love and not having such paper is not a SIN like most consider it to be. i remember this passage told me when i was in high school, "two person in love is not only looking to each others eyes BUT in the same direction" often we like to control the other and mold it to a figure that we think they should be. i dont want to be forced to be someone my partner want me to be, i want to mold my self and grow with his help and i feel it is only right to give the same benefit with him as well. my relationship is not perfect, but i am happy to tell the whole world that i am very happy about it and i can tell that what i have MOST dont. we have a very open communication, it doesnt matter if the situation is silly, small, or big. we will talk about it and figure out why it happens and why it affect us in such a way and then draw the answers from it. there are times that it occurs so often that you think it is no longer fair but we still will manage to discuss it and we compromise that we have to change our strategy if this happens. yes, love is letting go. i know there are lots of couples hurting out there coz their partner is cheating and or abusing them. i feel if this is the situation, then one should let go the other and let the other have the peace and respect for him/her(self). caging someone is not an assurance that person will remain honest or in love with you forever, i feel it is only good for awhile but once such person feels the caging relationship then he/she is ready to free himself. i dont think that living together is such an assurance for a better relationship, i have seen some fail as well. i just feel that it will help you understand your partner better coz you can see what he or she really likes having live in the same house for some time and it can help not to jump so fast to the paper works and be tied with it even they are no longer happy. the only way (IMHO) for a happy and loving relationship is understanding, love, respect and just be a friend as well and not just a lover for your partner. my husband is my own bestfriend, and i am his, if i cannot approach him as my husband i will tell him "can i speak with my bestfriend"... it helps, the mood changes, STILL,, what works for me may not work for you or to others, we can only learn from one another and use that as our guide to be a better person and partner. thanks for a wonderful post,,, takecare!
@sanell (2113)
• United States
9 Apr 08
I think that society created this image that if you are going to have kids you should be in a marriage..... My sister and her boyfriend have twins that are now 11 weeks old. To me, they are married, but then again, at anytime one or the other could leave or separate much easier than if their was a marriage tied in to them. It is very sad but sometimes having the marriage license makes some couples realize they have to stick it out because the financial consequences can be much more hard to bear than if they are not committed on paper.