What Makes A Good Wife
By Sparks
@sparkofinsanity (20471)
Regina, Saskatchewan
April 11, 2008 11:27am CST
I'm serious about this.
With the decline of my second marriage, I've had to do a lot of introspection.
I've had to re-examine myself from the inside out in an attempt to discover what flaw it is that I possess, that has brought me to divorce for the second time in
my life. As lacking as my husbands may have been in some areas, I can not in good conscience blame them totally for my failures. I'm not looking for sympathy here, I'm looking for insight.
I know without a shadow of a doubt that I am a good friend, a good mother and a
loving child of my parents. What I am not, is a good wife.
I don't nag, I don't criticize, I don't complain. I'm a good money manager, a great housekeeper, highly organized and even when depressed, I don't wallow, I stay busy and keep smiling. I always have a good word, I don't get bored and irritable often, and my expectations, if not met, don't leave me resentful. I don't carry grudges or throw things up in your face in the heat of an argument. I have a temper and very strong convictions, but I don't push them down your throat unless there is no other way of getting through to you, and even then, I'm careful to choose those 'battles'.
So I would say, I am not petty, which to my mind, is the biggest problem in relationships today. I appreciate the value of a good hug, a quiet smile, a meeting of the eyes containing private messages. I love to 'play' and laugh and bring a bit of sunshine to the lives around me, wherever I happen to be.
But apparently this is not enough.
So I want to know.
What in your opinion makes a good wife? What am I missing that is so vital to the success of being a good wife, that I need to incorporate it into my essential being?
2 people like this
9 responses
@novataylor (6570)
• United States
11 Apr 08
The only thing you might need to incorporate into your essential being is the right man. You just ain't found him yet. The next one needs to be the kind of man who doesn't place restrictions on your personality, doesn't draw lines that you're 'not allowed' to cross, doesn't limit you, but encourages you to be what you are, and to expand yourself and grow as a human being - he won't say to you, for instance, "you can't have a webcam" or that you can't go somewhere, or talk to someone, or dress "like that". No limits set for you. You already know the limits. You know what marriage means for you and where the lines are drawn. You don't need someone who's going to "ground" you. No restrictions, just freedom to be what you are. You know, I've just described my own husband. He's exactly like that. He's first in the blessings I count. You need to find your Stu. And I believe that you will, Spark. You have so much love inside of you, you're bound to draw it to you. Keep your mind and heart open. It's out there, waiting for you to find it. It'll happen. You may not believe it, in fact, I'm sure you don't right at this moment. But I KNOW it, Spark.
2 people like this
@novataylor (6570)
• United States
11 Apr 08
Yup, I believe and have faith in love, above all else. And you don't have to go looking for it, Spark. It'll just come. You'll be going about your day to day life, and it'll sneak up on you. But do trust your judgment. I think you have good judgment, but I don't think that you've exercised it recently when it comes to men. I think that you've put it aside, ignored those red flags, didn't want to see them, had that little rainbow of false hope that he wasn't really that way, that he would be different once you were married - and they're never different once you're married. I think you need to figure out what it is that you won't put up with and stick to it. There's someone out there who isn't gonna do those things that you won't put up with, won't even bring them to the table. When you find yourself free to be and enjoy yourself with a man, and not have to hold back parts of yourself, he'll be the one. Trust your judgment - but USE it, Spark.
2 people like this
@sparkofinsanity (20471)
• Regina, Saskatchewan
11 Apr 08
See that's the problem. With my first - it was lust pure and simple. I was young. What did I know? lol
With my second, there were NO alarm bells. Not until well after the wedding.
That's what has gotten me so down. I had a lot more experience by then and knew what alarm bells meant. So the absence of them had me convinced my judgement was correct. I know I have good judgement in other things. Just not men. And frankly, I don't even care anymore. I want peace in my life. I have learned that men are not the answer to that, and those that are worthy, are far and few between or already taken, and I would never come between a couple no matter what the circumstances. Maybe I'll get lucky one day, maybe not. It won't kill me and just may make me a better writer. Who knows.
1 person likes this
@sparkofinsanity (20471)
• Regina, Saskatchewan
11 Apr 08
I do so love your belief in love Nova.
And perhaps, some day, I will stumble across THE one. But I will not go looking.
I am not so disillusioned about life that I will close my heart, but I know that without a doubt I can never again trust my own judgement. So it will be up to 'him' to convince ME! That will be novel. lol
1 person likes this
@p1kef1sh (45681)
•
12 Apr 08
From what you have written I would say that you already are a good wife. I have been married for nearly 22 years to a woman that is a good wife, perfect to me. We love each other, we cling together when amongst the wreckage of life. We are tolerant of each others foibles, we are honest and are blunt with one another. We are each others crutches. We have our own spaces that the other doesn't invade. We don't take each other for granted. Mostly though it is love and tolerance. Who else would let me lunch her girlfriends and fall in love with half the women on here? I actually have no idea what makes a good wife Sparky. I know that I have one. She's got a crap husband though. LOL.
1 person likes this
@novataylor (6570)
• United States
12 Apr 08
She's got a GREAT husband, p1ke! But screw it up, would you, so I can marry you?
1 person likes this
@novataylor (6570)
• United States
12 Apr 08
No, no, not at all, darlin, but a girl can dream, can't she? Don't get me wrong, I love my lab rat to pieces. He's very much a shining light and I'd die for him. But I have a generous nature. giggle, giggle. Sharing is something we all need to do more of, isn't it? I can't keep a straight face as I type this. Let's face it. I'm just bad. Just out and out bad.
1 person likes this
@eden32 (3973)
• United States
11 Apr 08
When my ex & I split (never married but 10 year relationship/2 kids) I went through this too. My current partner & I (approaching the 7 year mark soon)have had our ups & downs and that always makes me think like this too. I have magic answer for you or for me, but reading your strengths you listed, it sounds like we have a similar approach to life. The only thing that I can point to being very different in my current relationship than the other, is that I allow myself to be dependent on my partner & I value that he is dependent on me. I was raised by a single mom, with a very "you go girl" attitude, know what I mean? The idea that you don't need to be or shouldn't be dependent on anyone. That you can & should be able to do anything & everything. And while I do see the wisdom in that, and I can do anything- in a relationship their should be more sharing. A couple should be dependent on each other, or why be a couple? It's a fine balance between healthy, chosen dependency and unhealthy co-dependency; but I think it's worth while to find that place. You have to be vulnerable to your partner, to risk that this person could crush you (emotionally) but trust that he won't. My ex & I had two different lives and shared a home and children. We worked well enough together,but we weren't a team if that makes sense. In my current relationship, I very much feel like we are a unit. We have outside interests, hobbies, etc- but we together are the head of our family. Knock on wood, I think it works.
1 person likes this
@sparkofinsanity (20471)
• Regina, Saskatchewan
11 Apr 08
I had to read your response twice Eden to absorb it all. Every word you wrote resonated so strongly that half way through I had to stop and let those resonations wash over me. I too was brought up to 'float my own ship in life'. Leaving my first husband when my kids were so young, was the hardest thing I've ever done, but easy too in that I wasn't afraid to be a single mom. By the time I married again I was totally independant and knowing that I needed to be able to be vulnerable to him, though hard for me, was also necessary to the balance of my new relationship. And that may just be where I failed. I am definitely not the co-dependant type. The thought of being so sends me screaming into the street. So perhaps that's the answer. My ability to walk that fine line is just not there. And I really don't think I can manufacture one.
Thank you. This is exactly the kind of insight I was looking for.
1 person likes this
@bellaofchaos (11538)
• United States
12 Apr 08
You are going to say that is because I love you so that I find no wrong in you. Well I don't any guy would be dieing to be with you. I hate to say it but maybe the souls that both of you possess just don't mesh well. I mean you can be the nicest person on the block and the sweetest most attentive house wife but if your partner is determined to be an @ss there is little you can do. I how ever do believe that it takes to work and comminicate in a relationship and if that breaks down then the relationship too will break down so being as it may I'm not in the relationship viewing it day in and day out to say that you did anything wrong. Also a relationship can fail just on one person giving up and not caring anymore. I'm sorry that you went through two failed marriages but you know what it happens don't think that you have a defect in any way shape or form .. This relationship was a stage in your life to get you to where you are going and you will find someone who loves and cheerishes you for you. Love ya hun and I know there is someone out there just be patient .. Remember what you always say to me ..We live in hope. I say that to you because without hope what is there?
1 person likes this
@bellaofchaos (11538)
• United States
12 Apr 08
I understand hun and You knowI'll be there for you no matter what ever you need. I'll talk to you later.
here this might cheer you up.
http://www.mylot.com/nr/newcomment.aspx?aid=8039181&qid=1472212&p=1
1 person likes this
@sparkofinsanity (20471)
• Regina, Saskatchewan
13 Apr 08
You're the best bella. You really are. Hugs and thanks.
@sparkofinsanity (20471)
• Regina, Saskatchewan
12 Apr 08
You, my dear are one of the reasons I need new friends. You are way too smart for me.LOL You are right of course. Without hope, what is there? I love you too, and as you know more about my situation, you have of course cut to the chase and I thank you for that. Sorry I've been unavailable lately, but you also know why that is too. I won't be home on Monday - big doctors appointment, but I will try to get online Monday night. Have a great weekend sweets.
@chrysz (1602)
• Philippines
12 Apr 08
I am only 26 and in a cohabitation setup because I don't wanna be trapped into marriage and see it fail. For me it is better this way that we are pressured with legal issues. But don't get me wrong, I would also want to get married someday but I just don't like doing it right now.
In answer to your question, for me everyhting is "relative" in the sense that what seems to be good to you may not be that good to other people. Some guys don't want a nagging wife but a little bit of nagging, making them feel that they are needed and you are somewhat insecure.I am not sure if my own philosophy is true that men are insecured bunch, they want to feel that you love them so much and you are afraid to lose them.When I say they want to be needed, they want to be asked for help most of the time - that even asking for some amount is already enough to boost their ego.
Maybe you just haven;t met the man who would compliment with your attitudes and attributes so never give up. Its better looking at the bright side of life than keep on asking or blaming ourselves for failed relationships. Good luck to you!
1 person likes this
@sparkofinsanity (20471)
• Regina, Saskatchewan
12 Apr 08
A very well thought out and honest answer. I am glad to see that someone so young has such a good head on her shoulders. You will make a very good wife yourself when the time comes. Good luck to you too.
@candyandhoney (146)
• China
12 Apr 08
man often have a greedy stomach. To be a perfest wife, why not try to cook some delicious food to meet your husband. In my opinion, love might be improved by emotion such as some romantic behaviour or an unforgettable journay. I agree with one of friends said above, a couple need to dependent on each other. You should let him know that he can't live without you. Bless you!
1 person likes this
@sparkofinsanity (20471)
• Regina, Saskatchewan
12 Apr 08
All good points candyandhoney, but that seems to be the root of the problem. He is convinced that he can live without ANYONE. *sigh*
@asawanialvin0611 (1877)
• Philippines
12 Apr 08
Based on what you said, you are a good person--good enough to be a best wife.Sometimes, you have to give the husband a time and space on his own just to reflect who you are and what you are in his life.men needs to go sometimes for them to realize they need us
1 person likes this
@sparkofinsanity (20471)
• Regina, Saskatchewan
12 Apr 08
Trust me, if he goes, he stays gone!
But I do agree with you, however, very few men I know use their down time to reflect on how much theirs wives mean to them.*sigh*
@sheng99200 (3)
•
12 Apr 08
maybe your husband and you are both good,but what much more need is understanding each other in your marriage. Don't concern that so much,you can get a wonderful marriage in future.love everyday
1 person likes this
@sparkofinsanity (20471)
• Regina, Saskatchewan
12 Apr 08
That does seem to be the general consensus here.
@lttlmischievious (126)
• United States
11 Apr 08
He is out there! I am still looking for my Mr. Right also. I agree with everyone here. There are offering sound advice, and it seems to me you have a very good head on your shoulders. Twice I had also thought I had found Mr. Right but, to no avail they were Mr. Wrong's. No matter how good you are to them, it takes 2 to make a marriage work. We shall never give up. There is going to be Our Day! Someday.
1 person likes this
@sparkofinsanity (20471)
• Regina, Saskatchewan
11 Apr 08
You betcha! As Nova said, third time's the charm! LOL
