I give up

Australia
April 15, 2008 10:58am CST
People can judge me and condemn me if they like, but I finaly decided to give up on my cousin. He has been using drugs for some years now (not sure how long but its more than 15 years). He has been in jail 3 times (he is there right now). He gave up few times and has been cleaned few times with every new treatment available. He was stealing from all of us, he put our lifes in danger lots of times by coming over with his "friends" to get money from us and few times the drug people have been looking for him or asking us to pay them what the owes to them. I can sleep good knowing that he is behind bars now and no one will come knocking on my door. I give up I am not going to welcome him back with open arms when he gets out, I am not going to help him with money or any other way. I have a family now to take care and look after he chose his way well I had enough of that. I am not going to sacrifice my husband and son for him. What do you think? Am I right or wrong on this? I have given him so many chances and every time he takes advantage of us. His own parents gave up on him. What would you do in this situation?
5 people like this
12 responses
@magrylouyu (1629)
• United States
16 Apr 08
I would not approve of these people coming to my house. I would call the police and tell them you have unwanted people tresspassing. Tell them you dont feel comfortable and you will shot them if they come in you house. Some one is bond to come to your house and do something. If that was my cousin now. I probably would have given up a long time ago. Not try for 15 years. Obviously he doesnt want the help and I would not waste my time try to figure out a family member. I have my own children to worry about not cousins.
1 person likes this
• Australia
16 Apr 08
Lucky for us the people that came over never said or did anything he would ask if we have any money to give him and that he would pay us back (and most often he did) but he was fine if we said no. But once my son was born and old enough to open the door or talk to people I was scared that somethin might happen to him. Yes my family comes first and always will.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
16 Apr 08
Youre on th right way... u did all youre best. i suggest to bring him to the church and remind him about GOD.. "GOD help to those who help themselves" thats my mom always telling me
• Australia
16 Apr 08
well God wont be the option since he is far from it and there is no hope of me geting him to church, I can take my son who is 5 like it or not but not a grown man of 33.
1 person likes this
@Darkwing (21588)
16 Apr 08
I think you've made a sound and courageous decision, my friend, which couldn't have been at all easy for you. You've been the one giving most of the time, and he hasn't tried to hard at all. As for bringing his "friends" to the house for money, that's totally irresponsible and stupid of him. What would have happened if you hadn't had the money? If he's tried to get clean several times, and each time given up, I doubt it will ever work. Besides, you don't know what pressure the dealers are putting on him. Your family needs you more than anybody... your brother is old enough to manage his own life, so he will have to get on with it. You don't owe him anything at all, my friend. You've done your best and exhausted your favours. Brightest Blessings.
• Australia
16 Apr 08
its my cousin not my brother but as I dont have a brother he used to have that role in my heart. Actually I hardly ever gave him money when he came over with his "friends" thats not the point the point is he should not have done that and get me involved right? 4 years ago I decided to give him 1 more chance and i told him that and he did well for 2 years and then it all fell apart.
1 person likes this
@Darkwing (21588)
16 Apr 08
Too right, he shouldn't have got you involved. It's such a shame that after two years, and the worst over, he couldn't keep up his attempt to rid himself of the habit. I still think you made a very emotional decision. Well done!
• United States
18 Apr 08
You have done all you can for your cousin and do not need to feel bad for giving up on him. Addicted people will not give up their addictions for anyone or anything, they have to do it because they want to and have the will power to quit. When you where helping him it only made it easier for him to do the things he was doing. I have cousins myself who are doing the same things as yours. Mine have spent most of their lives in jail from the time they were teenagers. My grandma still tries to help them by giving them money and a place to stay and they steal from her and take what she gives to snort it up their nose and end up right back in jail. This has went on for at least 10- 15 years. I am glad that you are putting your husband and child first and refusing to help your cousin. You have made the right choice. May God bless your family and I pray eventually your cousin will find the right path.
@artemeis (4057)
• China
18 Apr 08
I think in life we can choose our friends but not our family members. I am sorry to hear of your plight here but I think if money can solve the problem and will not be an issue with your family then why not? I suppose whatever you do and decide I think it would be wise to let your husband know what is happening. There are times where he will come in handy for delicate situations and not be caught with unpleasant surprises.
• Australia
18 Apr 08
well money is an issue I am a stay at home mom of a disabled son. My husband works hard for his money. And even if that was not the case why should I give it to him when there is millions of people that need money for good things like health and education and dicent life.
@Ravenladyj (22936)
• United States
16 Apr 08
Well I think you are making the right choice....for now..but I wouldnt close the door forever. People CAN change and there may come a time after he's hit his rockbottom that he'll grow up and get it right..He'll change, have remorse for what he's done adn will do everything in his power to make it right and get his life together. I've not only been there (I'm an addict) but i've dealt with ppl who have been there including my bf and one of my long time best friends...Sometimes it takes some of us longer than others to get a grip but it is possible...or course thats not to say that EVERYONE who is like that eventually gets it..some will ALWAYS be fall-down fks unfortunately SO that being said, IF at some point in the future he REALLY does make a solid turn around, gets clean, STAYS clean and does his rounds making amends and is truly remorseful etc, would you consider letting him back into your life gradually?
• Australia
16 Apr 08
I would be the first person on this planet to open my arms to him and offer my help and love and congratulations if he does and stays clean. The fact is he has done it so many times and time and tima again he went back to his old ways. But yes I would never lock the door on kim I might close it but never lock it. He is my cousin he is my blood and my love for him will always be there. Even if he sais to me listen I use but I need your help to give up I would say yes I am there for you.
• Philippines
16 Apr 08
Hope that something good would come out of everything he has experienced I guess. If I was in your situation, I might actually hate him and wish he was never family. (There have been a few situations I almost did those things, blood ties are really a pain). But we cannot completely severe kin relationships. I sympathize with you and the fact that you're actually having this dilemma means you still have concern over him. May he learn his lesson so that he will become a blessing.
• Australia
16 Apr 08
I could never hate him his blood is my blood after all but yes many people will have after all that and at times I have as well but after all he is family.
@maddysmommy (16233)
• United States
15 Apr 08
You do what you have to do violeta and if it means moving on and looking after your own life and family, then so be it. If he isn't willing to change for the better, then he is never going to and you're going to be left with more heartache and pain. It's a hard decision to make and one I would not like to make either, but if you think it's going to burden you even more and ruin your life in the long term, then ties need to be broken, and he needs to stand up for himself. It doesn't mean you totally shun him away, but he has to learn to stand on his own two feet, and if he wants the help, to get help for himself.
• Australia
16 Apr 08
Every time I let him back into my life and he does it again I feel worse than the time before. My son does not know him very well and that is painful. When he used to be clean and come over my son did not like him at all he was scared and this was when my son was 1 till 3. I refuse to go visit him in jail but I do send him cards for christmas and b'day and all that to let him know that i still love him.
@mansha (6301)
• India
15 Apr 08
I think no one has a right to judge you in any way, you tried your best but when the situation gets out of hand may be you should let the things take carew of themselves. Only thing I know about addicts is unless they try to help themselves no one else can help the, way to get rid of addiction is self awareness and acknowledgement that things are getting out of hand. You I think have done enough and now be strong and take care of yoru son and your husband and yourself too. Big Hugs.
• Australia
16 Apr 08
Thanks for your kind words I must say I do get emotional thinking about him as he means a lot to me. But on the other hand it makes me angry thinking what I did for him and how much I had to give up because of him.
@daababy (219)
• United States
15 Apr 08
I think you are right to do it. You have given him many chances. If you change your mind what if it all happens again? I wouldn't trust the person to come back into my house. But, Just remember he is family.
• Australia
16 Apr 08
Yes he is family and thats why I have put up with that for so long. I wont change my mind any time soon that is for sure he is in jail and once he is out well he would have to proove to me that he is changed.
@jesbellaine (4155)
• Philippines
15 Apr 08
You are doing the right thing. I mean, you have been supportive and helping him, also, for a fact, I know you love your cousin otherwise you won't be thinking of him anymore... It is time for you to feel safe with your family and kids. He needs to know how dangerous he is for the family since you said that there are people who knocks on your door and look for him... This time, you need to think of yourself and family. GoodLuck
• Australia
16 Apr 08
I do love him as I know that deep down he is a good person. I do feel safe and I can let my son play outside knowing he is safe, I dont have to check every door and window to see if its locked every 5 min. I dont have to look over my sholder every time I go out.
@Ldyjarhead (10157)
• United States
15 Apr 08
Giving him money and other things apparently is only enabling him to continue in his behaviors. Most people don't change until they've hit rock bottom and have no other options. If he wants to stay clean and make something of himself, he can do it with help from several resources. Just giving him money or whatever is not going to do it. It sounds like you've done quite a bit for him, but I would move on until he can make some effort towards change. You don't have to give up on loving him, but I wouldn't put the rest of my family in jeopardy in the meantime.
• Australia
16 Apr 08
I will never stop loving him but he has proven to me over and over and over again that he does not deserve my help in any shape or form, He has hit rock bottom so many times and he still does not change. So even if I want to help him (not financialy) I dont know what to do as I have tried so many times.