Yes Officer I Did It On Purpose.....

Regina, Saskatchewan
April 19, 2008 6:44pm CST
Last night my internet was acting up. So I decided to rearrange the living room and bedroom furniture. I had a plan honest I did, but it kinda went walk about after a few too many homemade sangria's. My son and I had been playing "I'm a better bartender than you" in the kitchen and we got rather carried away. The soon to be ex had left for a night run (fuel driving) and we were celebrating 12 whole hours of freedom. At about 11pm the power went out due to a huge storm happening to the north of us. Have you ever tried to navigate around misplaced furniture in the dark with enough alcohol in your system to fell a horse? Funny, painful on the shins, and totally not recommended. We finally negotiated our way out of the living room and proceeded to wreck bad placement havoc on the master bedroom. By the light of a few candles it actually looked rather romatic in it's new configuration. The bed was on the other side of the room framed by the silk curtains and the slipper chair was in the corner next to the wardrobe where I'd always wanted it. It was rather a tight space between the foot of the bed and the end wall, but I liked it. Well the soon to be ex came home earlier than expected. I had fallen asleep on the couch and didn't hear him come in. Well I didn't hear him at first. I don't like the 'f' word and hardly ever use it, so it came as shock to spring awake with it being bellowed throughout the house. I closed my mouth and listened and realized it wasn't me or my son. I picked up a pewter candle stick and snuck down the hallway. The bedroom door was open and a lump of what I took to be a person huddled on the floor moaning and swearing. My son appeared with a flashlight and the first thing I saw was blood on my bed cover and the footboard of the bed. Further investigation showed a gash in the soon to be ex's forehead. Ouch! and a big Ooops from me! With no power, he'd walked into the room and thrown himself across what he thought was the centre of the bed in his exhaustion and desire to just fall asleep. With the bed moved, he connected instead head first on the edge of the footboard and smacked himself silly and bloody. When he was able to stand and work his way to the kitchen for cold water, ice and a cloth, my son retreated to his own room and closed the door and I began to casually move the living room furniture back to it's original places. Finally the soon to be ex says, "Forget the furniture, it's too late, I'm calling the cops, I think you're trying to kill me, sh*t my head hurts, I'll probably need stitches, where's the aspirin, do we get 911 up here, WHERE THE H*LL IS MY CELL PHONE!" It was a long night. The cops showed up, listened to our stories and tried to convince my soon to be ex that it was an accident, he didn't need stitches, and to calm down and just go to bed. One of the officers took me aside and asked me if I was ok. Rumours had spread about the problems between me and the hubs and he was concerned. I reassured him that I was fine, but, nudge, nudge, wink, wink, "yes Officer, I did it on purpose". He cautioned me then to behave myself, but what a hoot it would be to have a domestic case he could honestly file under "Death by Furniture Displacement". It's a good thing I know his mother very well, or my sense of humor could have landed me in the local klink for the night! LOL After they left the soon to be ex inverted the bedroom door knob so the lock entry was on the outside instead of the inside, and went to bed after a lot of heaving and crashing the furniture back into it's original position. Before he left today, he locked the bedroom door from the outside, pocketed the key and went off to work. D*mn, some people just love to spoil your fun, don't they? My questions is......anyone here wear size small ladies Fruit of the Looms? I can't get at my underwear now!*pout**sigh**sob
8 people like this
10 responses
@bellaofchaos (11549)
• United States
21 Apr 08
I think that you should rearrange the other furniture in the house and take out all the light bulbs and hide the flash lights. And make sure that he is bound to get hurt each time. Then tell since you haven't got the money or anyway out of the place the only joy you get is rearranging the furniture. Make him think about expanding the budget for a book.
4 people like this
• Regina, Saskatchewan
21 Apr 08
Bella! But I'm a good girl, honest I am! I wouldn't think of doing anything like that! LOL I have my neighbour buying books for me now! LOL Got two new ones this weekend in fact. He's not figured it out yet. He thinks I dug them up from the bookshelf in my office. Now, I'm off the rearrange the furniture..........really! lol
3 people like this
• United States
21 Apr 08
Make sure you rearrange the furniture for him to fall over even more.
3 people like this
• United States
21 Apr 08
Sparks, I am not sure if I should stop laughing now or cry for you. Oh my gosh how hysterical. Sparks I honestly admire you so very much for keeping a sense of humor through all of this. He did not really call the police did he? Oh man I can not believe the stupidity that men show when going through a divorce or break up like this. I might have a pair of Victoria Secrets that might do ya :))) Told ya to leave the sangria to me :))
3 people like this
• Regina, Saskatchewan
21 Apr 08
Yeah he called the cops (idiot!), VS undies, overnight express please, and the sangria thing was all your fault anyway! LOL You gave me the idea. Too funny. Angel, if I didn't have, or couldn't keep, my sense of humor which goes a long way to maintaining my patience, I'd be a basket case and he'd have won. Can't have THAT can we?
2 people like this
@Trace86 (5033)
• United States
20 Apr 08
That is an awesome story and a great hoot. Can you get a butter or steak knife from the kitchen to pop the bedroom door lock? Or, just kick it in, that's what he would do. Isn't it great when you accidentally get even with someone? So, after his is really the ex instead of soon to be, who gets the abode?
• Regina, Saskatchewan
20 Apr 08
Custody of the abode is under negotiation, so the less damage I'M responsible for the better chance I have. I'll leave the jimmying of the locks and such to him. And honestly, I wasn't trying to get even with him for anything - it was the sangria, really, it was the sangria! LOL
4 people like this
@moneyandgc (3430)
• United States
21 Apr 08
Wow! Your life sounds like that of a tv show! I was laughing at your expense. I'm sorry. Then I read it out loud to my husband because he is too lazy to come to mylot and read it for himself. I can't believe he actually called the cops. Well, after reading some of your other stuff; I guess I can. Go pawn some of his stuff and buy new underwear!
2 people like this
• United States
21 Apr 08
"Go pawn some of his stuff and buy new underwear!" Rotflmao what a grand IDEA! Love it love it love it :)))
3 people like this
• Regina, Saskatchewan
21 Apr 08
What a grand idea indeed! LOL Too bad there's no pawn shops handy and I've no wheels to get to any. And yes he called the cops. Too funny. You should have seen the looks on their faces when they heard what had happened. Country cops are really not very good at hiding their reactions to things! One poor cop laughed so hard he fell against his cruiser's door panel and left a dent! That set the soon to be hubs off yelling that HE'D probably have to pay for it to get fixed, and it was all my fault, blah, blah, blah. And there's little me, just smiling and looking innocent and helping the poor young cop up off the ground. You know, I'm beginning to see why I frustrate the soon to be ex................LOL
3 people like this
• United States
21 Apr 08
Yeah, well it sounds as if he deserves most of the frustration. Thats too bad about the pawn shops being too far away. Yard Sale?
2 people like this
@uath13 (8204)
• United States
22 Apr 08
Well, sounds like you don't need my help disposing of him after all ( well the body maybe ), you just need furniture with sharper edges. Btw, where is that putz from anyways? Sounds like at least part of the population there could stand some therapy ( perhaps gama radiation ).
2 people like this
• Regina, Saskatchewan
22 Apr 08
My neighbour has pigs that will eat anything! LOL So no worries about the body disposal. As for where he's from - well let's just say the community he left is much happier now! ROFL
2 people like this
@CatsandDogs (13964)
• United States
23 Apr 08
Damn shame it didn't break his neck and kill him, huh? lol Maybe next time you should have a coffee table in front of the door to greet him when he comes in! LOL Or maybe some golf balls or marbles on the floor. LOL Revenge would be too sweet for me!
2 people like this
• Regina, Saskatchewan
27 Apr 08
Cats! Kill him? I couldn't, I wouldn't, I wish!!!! LOL I'm not allowed to move anymore furniture, so no traps in front of doors and things alas! But small cylindrical objects on the floor in the bathroom are a distinct possibility because no matter where he falls, he'll hurt himself! LOL
• United States
22 Apr 08
Oh great!!!! My gut's gonna burst. That sounds painful, but hilarious!! Maybe you should keep a stash in the living room or bathroom somewhere, just incase he feels like locking you out again. Glad to hear the cop was concerned, at least you know you have someone looking out for ya.
2 people like this
• Regina, Saskatchewan
27 Apr 08
Small community here and everyone knows everyone's business. And my neighbour loaned me some undies she'd just bought - I think actually she bought them for me. lol She's been a brick for me these past months and knows everything I'm going through. She laughed herself silly and kept giving me the thumbs up when the cops were here! She's 72 years old and a real dear.
@cortjo73 (6500)
• United States
22 Apr 08
Oh...I didn't tell you! Victoria's Secrets has great cotton panties! LOL! Sheesh Sparks! Remind me not to tick you off! I most definitely can't afford another hole in my head. LOL!
2 people like this
• Regina, Saskatchewan
22 Apr 08
Oh I never rearrange the furniture on my friends! LOL No matter how mad I get at them. I just dump them in the manure pile! ROFL
2 people like this
• Canada
21 Apr 08
Yes, I am still laughting my a$$ off. I can't stop. roflmao. He actually called the cops?!!! Blood?.... sorry, can barely type, still have tears in my eyes, laughing so hard. Can't stop. Should have brought him to the 420 celebration yesterday downtown. Mellow him out. Did you tell him you are somewhat obsessed with rearranging furniture. It is sort of a hobby of yours anyway. The fact that you did it at home, whilst playing "I'm a better bartended than you" is just so much funnier. Then, the power outage. lmao. sorry, still laughing. Gotta try to collect myself. It's hard. Wait 'till I tell the SO() when he gets home from work tonight. He will also lmao. JUST TOO FUNNY!!!!!!!! PRICELESS!! Where are the pictures? I want pictures!! YEEEEEE HAWWWWWWWWW! Maybe a hairpin will work on the door and he will be none the wiser? Eh?
• Regina, Saskatchewan
21 Apr 08
Hey Annie, yeah it happened and yeah he called the cops. I WISH we'd had some mellowing agent for him! LOL YOu'll be getting the storm soon that swept through here, so get out your flashlights. And he knew about my obsession for rearranging furniture. It had just been a few weeks since the last time and I guess he forgot about it! ROFL Silly man!
2 people like this
@Hatley (164237)
• Garden Grove, California
26 Apr 08
oh my goodness and I suppose your soon to be ex thought you were out to get him. lord. actually he sort of did it to himself and if you had been trying I think youd have done a better job of it lol It was nice of the officer to be concerned for you. sounds to me like your husband has a really quick temper and that is probably a lot of why he will soon be your ex. I bet you will be really glad when he is offically your ex, huh?
• Regina, Saskatchewan
26 Apr 08
You betcha I'll be glad when he's offically my ex! I'm not allowed to rearrange the furniture anymore. I tried today. Moved a couple of small tables around and he threw them out the front door when he got home! Jerk! The leg of one got broken and that really made me mad. So now he's not talking to me again. *sigh*