I lost my Dad suddenly and unexpectedly. My life is topsy turvy

United States
April 21, 2008 7:40pm CST
Hello MyLot friends. On March 25th, I spoke with my Dad on the telephone and we joked and carried on for a bit. He said, "I'm going to go now, got to piddle in the yard." That was the last I spoke to him. About 20 minutes later, I looked up from the computer to see my Mom trying to run across my yard...her arms flailing and frantic. I ran out and she said, "On the back porch....quick." I found my Dad flat of his back, no pulse and not breathing. I did CPR until the ambulance arrived. He was not able to be revived at the ER. My world is a mess. Mom, who is 73 (Dad was 76) is a basket case and is stayinng with me. She has never been able to stay alone after dark, even as a young woman. Dad did EVERYTHING at their house..the cooking, cleaning etc. Funny thing, Dad was not the sickly one...she is. He had one kidney stone in his entire life. He did have high cholesterol, which was well controlled with medication. To turn this into a discussion, those of you who have gone through this....what did you do to heal? I am supposedly a mental health nurse...yet I am spinning around like a top.
12 people like this
30 responses
@Thoroughrob (11748)
• United States
22 Apr 08
Wow, that is alot to go through. Just because you are a MH nurse does not mean that you cannot be a mess. It is easy to sit back and tell others how they should handle things. When it is family, everything falls apart. Take one day at a time and be there for your mother. It sounds like maybe you should find her a roommate so she will not be totally alone.
2 people like this
@Grandmaof2 (7603)
• Canada
22 Apr 08
It doesn't have anything to do with your job hon. He's your Dad, you love him dearly and he loved you too. This sucks bad. I was 25 when I lost my Dad and he was my only parent and his funneral was the first one I had ever been to, so yes it was no eazy walk in the park. I still think the only reason I didn't go totally to pieces is because I was a single parent at that time and I had to maintain my sanity. There's really nothing I can say that's going to make a huge difference but I will keep you in my thoughts and in my prayers. It's a hard place to be and I wish I could eaze your pain. If possible try to keep a warm spot in your heart and try to remember your Dad would not be happy to know you carry his loss as a burden. As hard hearted as that sounds it did help me. Please Take Care. Hugs to you and a big hug to your Mom. I hope she will join us on myLot. Take Care.
• United States
23 Apr 08
I would so love it if Mom would learn to use a computer. Both Dad and I tried on many occassions. He left behind his almost new laptop and I have tried to get her to sit down and learn to use it but she won't. I am making it day-by-day. Dealing with Mom is difficult, as she requires a lot of prodding. (she was like this before he passed). I literally 'talk' to Dad a lot, when no one is around. I konw it sounds crazy, but I really feel that he hears me.
1 person likes this
• Canada
23 Apr 08
Just an idea. PM me your moms address and I'll send her a card, maybe hearing from someone new she will reconsider. I would gladly Email her as a pen pal if I had her Email address. Do you think she could bennifit from someone other than a family member? If there's anything at all I can do my friend I certainly will.
1 person likes this
@jillhill (37379)
• United States
28 Apr 08
I am so sorry for your loss! I lost my mom first....the one that was never sick and my dad was 9 years older then her....and had many health issues and outlived her by 9 years....and even though we knew it was coming it's so very hard to lose a parent. You have a very tough situation. Having to deal with your mother's grief too might be a part of the reason you are having a hard time...like you are being strong for her and not really dealing with your loss! I wish you the best of luck...maybe someday you can slip away to someplace quiet and just cry! Sometimes that helps!
1 person likes this
@JoyfulOne (6242)
• United States
25 Apr 08
So sorry to read about your Father's passing, I hope your Mom is doing ok throughout this time. My heart is with you & your Mom during this difficult time! Healing? Well, about 10 years ago my Dad passed, and a few weeks later, his sister who I lived with. (My Aunt was always just like a Mother to me, and I lost my Mom when I was in my mid-20's.) They were both very sick and I tried providing the best care I could while I was working and running their farms too, but I sure didn't expect them to both go in such a short, short, period of time. I know what you mean about feeling topsy turvy! For my healing, after I got done being stunned and confused, I started memorial scrapbook albums for both of them. Doing this was very cathartic to me because it let me view their whole lifespan and see all the happiness and goodness that they had throughout their lives. Some of the bad accidents that they had were in there too, for in overcoming those they taught me courage and to never give up, no matter how dire things may look and be. It really helped me mentally to do this, and when I got really lonesome for either one of them, I had merely to look at their books and it was just like reliving their time with me again. Nothing completely heals you from this, I think it just makes us more accepting of the hand we/they were dealt. God Bless you through this difficult time! Hugs....Joy
1 person likes this
@palina77 (1178)
• United States
22 Apr 08
yes i lost my dad too back in 2004 march 21 the way i delt with the pain of loosing my dad was i just thought of all the good times we had together and also tell people friends and family how you are feeling thats what i did hope it will work for you too.................
1 person likes this
@villageanne (8554)
• United States
22 Apr 08
It does not matter what our profession is, we all have feelings, pains, stress and other mood changes. I am sorry you lost your Father. I watched both my Mother In Law and Father In Law die. It is not easy. It is very difficult. The emotions go up and down and all around but they dont go away. It hurts and there is no cure for this kind of pain. I will be thinking of you and keeping you and your family in my prayers. When we loose a loved one, it brings out emotions that we never knew we even had. I am sorry for your loss.
1 person likes this
@RenaeT (688)
• United States
22 Apr 08
Oh Crazy Nurse! I am so very sorry to hear this happened to you! I have never been through anything like this in my life, but I wanted to let you know that I will be praying for you~ Again, I am so very sorry. Renae
1 person likes this
@sanzi1201 (644)
• China
22 Apr 08
I'm very sorry to hear that.Please restrain your grief.He can't come back from now on,so please take your mother better. The old are brittle .So,we should take more attention to them at daily life.
1 person likes this
• United States
22 Apr 08
You have my condolences. I am so sorry for your loss. I found that only time can heal such a sad event. It will not hurt so bad after time but you will never forget.
1 person likes this
@Trace86 (5033)
• United States
22 Apr 08
I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my mother suddenly to a brain aneurysm in 1993. She was only 46. The only thing wrong with her was Rheumatoid Arthritis. I do know what you are going through. I couldn't go to work for a week because I just couldn't stop crying long enough. As time went by, it got easier. I don't think it will ever go away completely. There are just so many times that I wish I could call her and tell her something or ask her advice. My mother loved James Taylor. My husband took me to his concert last year and, thankfully, he sang "Fire and Rain" last. It just made me cry uncontrollably. I am here if you need to vent or remember. Hugs to you and your mom.
@kareng (22882)
• United States
22 Apr 08
I very sorry to hear of your loss. My sympathy to you and your mom and rest of the family. Losing a loved one quickly is hard. I know it will take a lot of time for you both to heal. God bless!
@cream97 (29163)
• United States
22 Apr 08
I am so sorry to hear this. I too have a high cholesterol. It is 230. A little up. I am 26 years old. I am very afraid of this. I believe I have inherited this from my grandmother. She has it.
1 person likes this
@Pose123 (21661)
• Canada
22 Apr 08
Hi crazynurse, I'm very sorry about your dad. Take care of your mom. Blessings.
1 person likes this
@makingpots (11920)
• United States
22 Apr 08
Oh, crazynurse, I am so sorry for your loss. Of course you are spinning a bit right now. Don't expect too much of yourself. I do not have any direct experience to draw from and offer advice, but I am sending you e-support and wishing you well. ((((((((((HUGS))))))))))
1 person likes this
• United States
22 Apr 08
CrazyN, I had begun to wonder where you were.... I am so sorry Friend. healing is a long road, and You know it so I feel foolish saying this but time time time is what it takes. There are no magic formulas, or words to fix your hearts. God bless you and your family. Much Love my Friend.
1 person likes this
@biggerb (2028)
• India
6 Jun 08
My heart goes out to you in your hour of grief.I can imagine how you must have felt.Words are poor comforters and I am at a loss for words to comfort you.You being a trained mental health nurse will be able to apply what you have been recomending to others.You should be brave and cope up with life.May God give you and your mother comfort during this grief.
@twoey68 (13651)
• United States
6 Jun 08
It is a sudden blow to lose a parent or spouse. There's no easy way to get through it...it just takes time. The only words of comfort I can offer is I believe you'll both see him again when your time here is through. This is what got me through when I was grieving. **AT PEACE WITHIN** ~~STAND STRONG IN YOUR BELIEFS~~
@someonesmom (5765)
• Canada
28 Apr 08
I am so very sorry to hear about your loss. There are no adequate words, at a time like this, but I believe an 'I'm sorry' is the best thing to say. Many people while trying to be helpful, end up saying hurtful, and inappropriate things (I've found.) I lost my dad when I was just five, and my mom when I was nineteen. I didn't really understand what was happening, with my dad, but for my mom, it took me a 'very long time' to work through my grief. Even today, at times, I think of both of my parents, and the pain is still there. I've accepted it, but have never forgotten. My husband passed away suddenly, after a brief illness, going on fifteen years ago. It was a huge shock. I can relate to what you've said, about going through his belongings, etc. For me, I found it was better to wait, and give things a bit of time, and then gradually go through them. I didn't want to move the shirt he'd last worn at home, from where he'd left it, or take the mints from his pocket, and so, 'I didn't' until I was ready. There's nothing wrong with doing things this way, and don't let 'anyone' tell you there is. Everyone has to grieve in their own way, and go through all of the stages. I couldn't bear to live in the same house we'd shared either, so moved the following year, when I could think 'a bit' more clearly. Take care.
• United States
24 Apr 08
This is so sad. I'm glad it's never happened to me. If you're having tough times then just remember the good things that happened. It'll help.
@KrauseHome (36733)
• United States
23 Apr 08
Sorry to hear of your loss. It is a hard thing to get over, but in time you will learn to move on, and be a better person because of it. I lost my Mom in September of last yr. It was a day just like any other, or so I thought. I still miss her, and hard to find she is gone. She lived in Montana, and I am in Seattle so I had not seen her in quite a few yrs. At least you lived close so you can be a comfort for your Mom. Will be Praying for you and your family, and know you can get thru this. Just take things one day at a time, and be there for your Mom. Hugz!! to you both.