Domestic violence survey

United States
April 25, 2008 11:48pm CST
Do you think that women who get abused in relationships deserve it/ask for it? Nobody's perfect and I'm sure they've made some mistakes-the most obvious one when choosing a partner. But I also believe that no man has a right to hit a woman unless there is some life-threatening situation,like her charging at him with a knife. And those men who do without a sound reason so only prove themselves to be weak and cruel. Most of abused women keep it quiet because they're convinced they've done something to deserve it. I've read about some of the patterns abusers fall into,and all of them use psychology to manipulate their victims. This question is similar to the one most often asked-Do women who get raped "ask for it"? What do you think?
8 people like this
19 responses
• United States
26 Apr 08
I don't think anyone "deserves" to be abused - whether they are staying in the abusive environment, or not. Most women who stay, only stay because they feel trapped - not because they like the abuse! I know; I was in an abusive relationship (not physically, but verbally/mentally/physologically.) I stayed because I felt trapped - and I was - I didn't drive and had no car (he made sure of that). That whole saying, "you teach others how to treat you," is pure bull crap. If someone is a mean person, then they are going to be mean to you. No matter how nice you are, no matter how indifferent you are, no matter how much of a "B" (rhyms with witch) you are. I've tried everything all my life in order to get people to treat me decently and respect me. The bottom line is if they "don't feel like it," they aren't going to. It is NOT your fault because someone treats you like crap. Just like I believe that no woman "deserves" to be raped. Why can't a woman get dressed up and have a little fun every now and then, without people thinking she's a hooker? That's like saying a drop dea gorgeous hunk, who is all dressed up with his chest showing is "asking to be manhandled by women. (You know the "hunk" style, where they were a nice silk shirt, tucked in to trendy slacks but leave all the chest buttons undone...) I mean, really. I'm so sick of the double standard.
• United States
26 Apr 08
So true. Thank you so much,I know what an abusive relationship feels like and your response means a lot to me
1 person likes this
@emeraldisle (13143)
• United States
26 Apr 08
You are right, no one deserves it but many who are abused feel they did something to cause it. Many rape victims feel the same way as well. That if they hadn't done this or had done that it wouldn't have happened. It's not true but they still believe it. Part of human nature, when we hear about awful things happening, is that we want to try and rationalize it. We want there to be a reason for it happening. We don't want to think that a man could beat someone senseless without cause or that a mother would suffocate their child without there being something behind it. We want to be able to say "Well it only happened because of....". It doesn't work that way. There isn't a reason like that. The victim is not to blame but just like the rest of society the victim searches for a reason as well. So many who are abused will think that they must have done something to cause it because if they did it without a reason that makes them a monster. No one wants to think that they could have married a monster or that there are monsters out there.
• United States
26 Apr 08
You might be right, I've never thought of it this way. usually it's like "What have I done wrong?". Thanks for sharing your insight,right on
1 person likes this
@emeraldisle (13143)
• United States
27 Apr 08
I was explaining why they think "What did I do wrong". They want to think that there had to be a reason. You're welcome. I don't know if it's accurate but it's what I think anyways.
1 person likes this
• United States
27 Apr 08
Seems to be accurate. Even if not-I started this discussion to find out people's opinion on domestic violence and everyone's welcome
1 person likes this
• Philippines
26 Apr 08
No, women is definitely not at fault. There is no way any woman deserves being beaten. Just think of how women's parents took very good care of their beloved girl and they just end up being beaten by some man? It also goes to women who get raped.. they don't ask for it. Who wants to be raped right? The woman is the victim and there's nobody else to be blmaed but the rapist.
2 people like this
• United States
26 Apr 08
That's what we all are thinking but I would like to know what's going thru the abusers' mind. I guess I already do,they just think themselves to be smarter or stronger than anyone else and take advantage of what they consider their natural right
1 person likes this
• China
26 Apr 08
The victims of domestic violence should stand up and protect their own rights. The law is the best weapon to protect themselves. Patience,weak,are all useless! The patient will only blind themselves to be greater harm to the perpetrator even more arrogant. Refused to domestic violence!
2 people like this
• United States
26 Apr 08
Many of them have kids,pets or assets that they worry about but I agree that they should protect themselves with the help of law
1 person likes this
@emma412 (1156)
• United States
26 Apr 08
No, women do not "ask" for any kind of domestic violence. Like you said, nobody should hit or otherwise hurt another person unless it is in defense of their own life. Nobody asks or deserves to be beaten up. My sister has fallen into domestic violence more than once. What it always boiled down to was her poor self esteem and the men in her life taking advantage of that. I think any man that does that to a woman deserves to go through it themselves. And just because a woman dresses provacatively does not mean she is asking to be raped. If your chest is hanging out of your shirt you better expect both men and women to look but nothing further than that.
2 people like this
• United States
26 Apr 08
Right on about the chest!:) Abusive men should be thrown into jail and treated the very same way,that might teach them a good lesson. I'm against solving problems with physical violence but it seems like that's the only language certain people understand.
1 person likes this
@phoenix25 (1542)
• United States
16 May 08
I would have to say that no person deserves or asks to be beaten or raped. I have disagree with your statement that most women keep in quiet because they're convinced they've done something to deserve it. In my personal experience with domestic violence and child abuse, women/children keep it quiet because they are either afraid to say anything and get in more trouble with their abuser or because their abuser is also emotionally abusing them, causing them to feel worthless and helpless...so that they don't feel powerful enough to do anything about it.
1 person likes this
• United States
16 May 08
Yes,they are abused and scared but more often than not if you hear same thing about yourself a million times one day you actually gonna believe it. Not truly believe but suspect it might be true,especially if it gets literally beaten into your head. Depends on the person,though-if you know who you are you'll stay strong,if not-you might stray
@phoenix25 (1542)
• United States
17 May 08
Well, you have the right idea. Emotional abuse can have a lot of different impacts on domestic abuse victims. There are a lot of different reasons that women don't leave. What is really sickening is that a lot of women don't leave or say anything because they still love their husband or partner and don't want to leave. I know it sounds crazy, but I know this from experience. I've tried to convince some of these women to leave or to get help, but nothing I could say would change their minds. It's almost like those hostage situations where some of the hostages end up "liking" their captivators.
@jalucia (1433)
• United States
26 Apr 08
No matter how one person acts or behaves, it does not give another person the right to violate them physically, sexually or in any other way. There are many reasons why some women may endure physical violence. Regardless of what the reason is, it does not give the other person the right to be violent to them. We are each responsible for our own actions. That being said, it is important for us to make the personal decision not to be victimized. This is harder for some, than it is for others. There is no justifiable reason for a man to rape a woman. But, in order to ensure our own safety we shouldn't do things like walk down the street in the middle of the night alone, or visit a new guys personal residence scantily clad with no intentions of getting intimate or jump into a stranger's car, or give personal information to someone we just met socially.
• United States
26 Apr 08
I agree with the security measures with the strangers that you suggested but,infortuantely,there is no way to recognize an abusive person from a nice guy. At least,not always. We usually don't want to beleive what we see if we like the person.
@jalucia (1433)
• United States
28 Apr 08
Yeah, it is unfortunate that we can't trust all people to be decent - not even the nice ones. As my mother always says, abusive people are always nice in the beginning. If they weren't they would never be able to find victims. We've just got to keep our eyes open and protect ourselves as much as we can.
1 person likes this
• United States
9 Jun 08
I myself am a victim of domestic violence, and it took me three years to get out of the relationship. I didn't ask for it, but I didn't leave him. The reason is that the abuser will make sure that you are in a situation to not be able to leave. NO NO NO we don't ask for it, it is what they want. They want to have all the control. They want to have all the power, and for some reason you are the only person they want to do that to. If you leave them they will beg you to come back to them and they apologize and cry. It can be very convincing, but after a while you just don't believe it anymore. I was also raped when i was in that relationship...SO REMEMBER IT IS NOT WHAT WE ASK FOR, IT IS WHAT THEY WANT...IT IS HOW THEY KEEP CONTROLLING YOU.
1 person likes this
@olivemai (4738)
• United States
9 Jun 08
I have had a similar experience!
@david2005 (800)
• Canada
14 May 08
I don't think that any woman that gets raped asks for it. I think that it doesn't matter what the girl looks like or what she is wearing even if she is wearing nothing a guy does not have the right to rape her.
1 person likes this
• United States
16 May 08
Yep,that's just a convenient excuse for some people
@mommyboo (13197)
• United States
26 Apr 08
No. Abuse and rape and assault are NEVER ASKED FOR. I don't know how anybody who does these horrible violent things can justify it, yet they can. They blame the victim for anything from simply being there to doing or not doing something when and how they want. How could those things be asked for? They are generally methods of guilt and control used by people who are insecure and needy. I see too many people who allow themselves to be doormats and who bend over backwards to keep peace and not aggravate the abuser. The problem is that anything and everything may and can aggravate an abuser - any time, day or night, in private or public. If they aren't willing to get help or change their own behavior, there is little the partner of the abuser can do to ensure their own safety. I do not think it's okay to threaten another person, physically, emotionally, etc unless it's in self defense. In self defense, whatever you have to do to ensure survival is allowable.
1 person likes this
• United States
26 Apr 08
Exactly. We should all stand up for ourselves,there is no other way to stop useless violence. Of course,they say that violence only creates more violence but this is not the case
• United States
26 Apr 08
No women asks to be abused. The jerk who is abusing her is a control freak and wants to keep her under his thumb. I knew two women who were abused and I asked them why they didn't leave. They told me that the man in both cases had told them a number of times over and over again that there was no one that would ever look at them, that they couldn't make it out on their own, that he would kill them if they left and not only the women but her children also. It is brain washing over the years. Some women after a point decide that this is not a life and get out of it. Hard as it is for them to do. The two women did manage to leave but for quite some time afterwards it was hard for them. No women asks to be abused. There is never a reason for one person to abuse another.
1 person likes this
• United States
26 Apr 08
Yeah,threats are bad when it comes to domestic violence and manipulation. I wish there were more battered womens' shelters that were open 24/7. She might find the courage to call the cops but what is she gonna do when they're gone? Nobody wants to endanger their friends or relatives
@Hatley (164222)
• Garden Grove, California
9 Jun 08
women who are raped do not ask for it , they are the victims. the rapist does not wait for an opening, he is cruel and selfish 'and takes from the woman.its not love, its a powerplay and women are left victims of this. They manipulate the women and get what they want by brute force.No woman deserves to be abused by her husband or s/o.
1 person likes this
@mjs999 (32)
• Philippines
26 Aug 08
Finding a perfect partner are gifts from god, if you are given an abusive husband just find a way to come out of that cell because only you can solved that problem
@subha12 (18452)
• India
7 Jul 08
i do not think women deserve it./ its the cruel way the men treat the women. many times women do not protest. they should protest it. they should be self sufficient so taht they can provide for themselves. it will give them strength.
@kiara83 (21)
• Italy
7 Jul 08
the question you do is really thicky.Many women suffer abuses and violence. I want to be really sincere. I think there are a lot of different situation: i know woman who stands violence because compensate that with other , very often money or others that do the possible to be beaten. But the most of domestic violence rest upon a psychological dependence.Many often the fear of loosing a child or simply the fear of loosing the man a woman has love more than her life. It's a starnge mechanism we can't' understand completely...the only possible solution is someone who try to open the eyes to the woman and help her to take one of the most difficult decision of a life.
@sid556 (30989)
• United States
7 Jul 08
I don't agree with that at all. I was in a violent marriage and you are right...they mess with your head and beat down your esteem. The attacks tend to come from nowhere. I kept quiet not because I felt I deserved it but because I had 3 kids and we were dirt poor and I had no where to go or so i thought. I did not want people to know that I was dumb enough to be in such a relationship. I also fell madly in love with him long before the abuse became a part of us. He did not begin the abuse until we'd dated for 3 years, gotten marrried and began a family. Also, it starts of with a slap and a promise of never again and then it may not happen again for a long period. Then it does, only the nest time a bit worse. It is progressive and gets worse and more frequent over time. I put up with it for 5 years almost before finally leaving him...no regrets. As for rape....He did that too. he came into my place while i was sleeping and I woke up with him on top of me.....NO...i didn't ask for it.
@olivemai (4738)
• United States
9 Jun 08
I do not think they deserve it, and I know that most offenders do not do time or much time for their actions!
5 Jun 08
My first reaction is,noone ever asks for violence,furthermore,noone has the right to inflict pain on another person.Rape is a terrible thing,it does not mean that if a woman dresses as she wants,then she is asking for it,or what ever the situation is,if she says no,then any act against her will is unjustified. I think if one feels they have been abused then the first course of action is to talk to someone to get it sorted out.Who has the right to punish others in this way?
@tarachand (3895)
• India
18 May 08
I don't think any human has a right to hit the other, be it your own spouse or your own child. Violence is resorted by the weak minded. Use your brains to get the other see your point of view, without any force or violation of that persons basic rights. Nobody deserves to be beaten by anybody else. And I'd say the same about rape, if it is a genuine case of rape, then the rapist has to be brought to book as per the law of the land. If someone's shouting rape just because that person has managed to ensnare the alleged perpetuator for personal gain, well it is a wrong that is being been done by the so called alleged victim.