Do you always say what you think? Do people around you like that?

@kiran1978 (4137)
Australia
April 26, 2008 9:07pm CST
The reason I would like to discuss this topic. Is a good friend of mine, is having some trouble at the moment at work and with friends as she is always straight up. I mean she always voices her opinion if she likes or dislikes something. This is causing havoc in her life and she is becoming depressed as people at her work are starting to say that she has an attitude problem and some of her other friends don't like it either. I don't mind it how she is straight up as I know she is just being honest and that is her personality. Sometimes I think though she can be straight up but she could word it a bit nicer, if you know what I mean. I feel sorry for her though as she is starting to do some soul searching and she is wondering now if something is wrong with her as people keep saying the same thing to her about her attitude. I personally do not always say what I think as I do not like to tred on people's toes, or hurt anyones feelings. Sometimes this is a disadvantage to me though as some people have walked all over me as I am not assertive enough. So tell me, do you always say what you think? Why do you like to be up front? Does it help you get what you want out of life? Or does it cause some havoc with people around you?
9 people like this
24 responses
@gemini_rose (16257)
27 Apr 08
I am not like that no, I do not always say what I think. But if I do I tend to try and put it in a nice way because through experience a lot of people do not like to be told abruptly it instantly rubs them up the wrong way. When people are straight up they can come across as having an attitude problem and so that is what your friend is seeing happen, through the way she is she is giving out the wrong signals. I reckon that if she said things in a different way then she would be ok. She should not have to change the person that she is, just learn to be a little more diplomatic in how she comes across with things!! I am not assertive enough either and I too have been walked all over, which is not a nice feeling!!
3 people like this
@kiran1978 (4137)
• Australia
27 Apr 08
Great advice my friend, I do think maybe to other people she could be more diplomatic in the way she says things. Particularly at work, she works in a hospital and she is having problems with other nurses and her boss they all seem to say she has an attitude problem. I know how to take her, but unfortuntately do not think alot of other people understand her. SO I think it would be wise for her at work to say things in a different way as you do have to work with people all day long and it is better to get along with them then clash as she voices her opinion. Not good how people have walked on us, we need to stop them, lol and become a little more assertive ourselves. Take care and have a great day. Hey I see your star rating has increased, lucky you. Mine has stayed this yucky colour for weeks now. LOL!! Oh well, can't please everyone.
1 person likes this
@gemini_rose (16257)
28 Apr 08
I know, But it is hard to change and be assertive when you have always been non assertive!! It went back up overnight and I am sure yours will follow soon, take care and speak soon xx
@myklj999 (38438)
• Olney, Illinois
27 Apr 08
I say what I think simply because I don't care if people like me or not. I'm 48 years old, and while I don't try to be obnoxious about it, neither will I sit there closed mouthed if I disagree with someone. I figure I've earned my opinion over the years; and I will say that it is only my opinion. But I'm not gonna let someone walk on me; if I think they're wrong, I'll tell them and try to show them why I think they're wrong. Some people don't like me because of that; that's their problem, not mine.
2 people like this
@myklj999 (38438)
• Olney, Illinois
27 Apr 08
Hoo boy; gotta think about that!! Could you imagine if we both wanted to do something together and couldn't agree on what it was? Hell, we'd spend the evening trying to prove our points 'til everything was closed!!
1 person likes this
@myklj999 (38438)
• Olney, Illinois
27 Apr 08
No disagreement from me!!
2 people like this
@ESKARENA1 (18298)
27 Apr 08
not caring what others think is a great leap forward, I just never have managed to careless blessed be
1 person likes this
@mommyboo (13197)
• United States
27 Apr 08
I often voice my opinion and say what I think. There is nothing to be gained by pretending to agree or not care if you don't agree or do care, you only miss your opportunity to share your side, whether it is affirmation and support or a different view entirely. For the most part, being assertive, up front, and saying what I feel and think DOES help me get what I want out of life. It enables me to be viewed as somebody who has clear likes and dislikes, tries to respect yet doesn't always agree, and obviously does not tolerate nor bend to people who bully or refuse to do what they are expected to do. Sometimes havoc is caused, yes but sometimes that is what needs to happen. I do not frame things in purposely mean ways. My intent is not to be hurtful in order to be truthful, but I will not sugarcoat things either. An example, if a friend tries on something and it is too small, the wrong color, or a bad cut/fit and it does not make them look good, I'll tell them they might want to try something else. If they press, I will probably say it doesn't make them look good. If they don't press, I'll leave it at 'try something else'. I won't suddenly go off and ramble on about how they look terrible or fat etc etc like some people would in their runaway attempt to be blunt. There is a difference between being honest about how you feel and being blunt and mean in your response. I would probably tell your friend to consider how her response sounds, and to try to word it in a non-confronting, non-judgemental way. People do appreciate honesty, but they do not appreciate digs or negative criticism.
2 people like this
@kiran1978 (4137)
• Australia
27 Apr 08
Wow you sound like you know what you are talking about, excellent response. You have the right approach you are not rude in your bluntness but thoughtful and constructive. I totally agee noone wants to be digged at but they do like honesty.
2 people like this
@mommyboo (13197)
• United States
30 May 08
Thanks! What a difficult journey to learn all this but worth it. It is such a bummer that so many people feel you have to be straight up NASTY in order to be assertive, assertive is not the same as aggressive and it doesn't mean you have to be a b**** either. I have moments but unlike people who enjoy being that way, I feel bad about it later and either apologize or sincerely hope I don't see the person I offended in the future because I feel like such a heel. I also wish that during those growing up years as teens and young adults that people did not feel such a pressure to conform and be what they're not. Peer pressure is tough and so many teens do what they don't even want to in attempts to fit in with a crowd that doesn't even truly like or support them. Of course this doesn't become clear until years later.
@Darkwing (21587)
27 Apr 08
You're right... it's all in the way you say things. I'll always say as I see. In other words, whether I agree or not with something somebody has done or said, I won't hold back on telling them. But, I say so in a gentle, non-derogatory way, which I think makes all the difference. We all make mistakes after all, and I think constructive, and persuasive criticism, even an offer of help, can go a long way. Brightest Blessings.
@kiran1978 (4137)
• Australia
27 Apr 08
You sound like you have the key, be upfront but in a gentle way, nice. It is good to give and receive constructive criticism as we do grow that way. But never to be rude or derogatory like you said.
2 people like this
@Darkwing (21587)
28 Apr 08
That's right, my friend.
1 person likes this
@figjam00 (1450)
• India
27 Apr 08
Sometimes when I am angry I don't think before saying but casually I don't say anything that hurts anyone. People who are blunt are honest but they have to face problems because they can cause bad feeling into others. I think everybody should be calculative with what they are saying because people don't want to get insulted.
1 person likes this
@kiran1978 (4137)
• Australia
27 Apr 08
I am unfortunately easily insulted that is why I don't like to be blunt. However I do wish I was a little more assertive. I think we all sometimes don't think before we say something when angry.
@mommyboo (13197)
• United States
27 Apr 08
I think what you are referring to is tact, or using filters. I do try to filter how I say something, and I tailor it depending on the person or situation. Filtering doesn't mean lying though. You simply figure out how to make what you say the most receptive to a person.
@cricket1 (487)
• United States
27 Apr 08
Personally I like people who are straight up but most people aren't and a lot of people have problems with people who are. I try to be that way but I do worry about other peoples feelings. I've been taken advantage of in the past because of it probably. I think if everyone were straight up, the world would be a better place. My son is that way and some like it, some don't. It's always a good thing to think about who your real friends are. If you can be yourself then you know your friends are your real friends. The thing is, as you say word it nicer so people know it's honest and not an insult. Then if they have a problem with it, oh well life goes on.
@kiran1978 (4137)
• Australia
27 Apr 08
Great response cricket, that is the advice I gave my friend yesterday. I said to her they are not real friends if they can't accept you for who you are. You should not have to change for anyone or be judged by someone.
@mommyboo (13197)
• United States
27 Apr 08
I have always thought that being wysiwyg (what you see is what you get) is an important quality in a person. If you cannot be that way, how are people to know the real you? Also, the truth is not everybody will like you, and you will certainly not like everybody. That's why it is such a good thing that the world is full of people to make friends - or not make friends with. It is not the end of the world if you do not get along with one person, there are many more out there that you may connect with better. I have a shirt I recently bought that says 'It's not me, it's you'. While this is a rather funny and sarcastic sentiment, sometimes it's true. Too many people honestly believe the problem is themselves and not the other person or people, and they try way too hard to remedy something that wasn't their fault to begin with. Balance is important, you can accept some responsibility, but not all of it. If somebody doesn't know me and doesn't like me, oh well, it's their problem not mine.
• Philippines
27 Apr 08
hi kiran, ive always believed in telling the truth to other people, when its something good or bad i feel that it should be said because 'honesty is the best policy' right?. and it is true. i dont like walking on eggshells towards other people. i feel like, if i dont tell them how i feel now, i would lead them on in what i think. and how would they learn and grow as a person if they wouldnt accept my positive or negative comments on what they say. so yea, i feel for your friend. there is absolutely nothing wrong with vocalizing with what your thinking to other people in a nice respectful tone of course. my sister has a friend like your friend. shes always vocal about what she feels and thinks. but sometimes how she says it is a problem because she says it so strongly that it sometimes people would interpret it wrongly. im not really close with this person though because we dont hang out often. but with my sister and her circle of friends, they dont say anything about it because they already know its her personaility. but even though its her personality i do agree with you when you say "she could word it out a bit nicer" because the words are half of conveying your message. the 'tone' of a person's voice has to also be considered. if its a good wording and a bad tone then people will clearly missinterpret it. it would also help if the words used would be a little bit nicer as well. even though its a bad comment in a nice tone, i feel it wouldnt sound really bad. right?
1 person likes this
@kiran1978 (4137)
• Australia
27 Apr 08
Great point about the tone of voice, I think that could be here problem, I think her tone does make what she says sound rude and abrup sometimes. I might try ang give her that helpful advice, I will watch my tone when telling her though, lol. Great to hear that you are always honest with people too, I think that helps people to trust you too as they know you always speak the truth.
1 person likes this
@littleowl (7157)
27 Apr 08
Hi Kiran-I can understand that some people think your friend has an attitude problem when really it is their problem for not liking to hear the truth-I am a bit of both I always say what I mean and think but like you it sometimes gets me in problems as I find that I,m too soft then that's when people walk over me but if I tell someone in a more 'straight up' way they say I have attitude-ther's no winning with some people-blessings littleowl
1 person likes this
@kiran1978 (4137)
• Australia
27 Apr 08
I agree there is no winning with some people, that is their loss not ours. Sounds like you have a good balance though, sometimes you do say what you think. I need to toughen up a little and not be too soft, someone else here said to be upfront in a gracious way. I thought that was well said, I might try that one, lol. Have a great day!
1 person likes this
@mikeysmom (2091)
• United States
27 Apr 08
i do not always say what i think or feel because it is not always appropriate and can be more trouble than it is worth. i bite my tongue alot. if it is something i just cannot keep my mouth shut about i will speak up but i watch what i say and how i say it. i do not appreciate people who always say what is on their mind and be damned the consequences. i think the way you say things goes a long way. i do not let people walk all over me in any way but i do weigh the outcome and pick my battles and feel that sometimes saying nothing is the best thing to do and just walk away. i have 2 friends who are very opinionated and they also try to sway others opinions and i think you need to repect that everyone is entitled to their own opinion about things. when they get on their high horse i just let them spout and then i change the subject and do not even bother disagreeing with them because to be honest it is not important to me that they hear my opinion and i have no interest in arguing with anyone over anything. i have enough angst in my life as it is. i do not feel sorry for your friend, though and i do not mean to sound harsh but perhaps she needs to learn a lesson from this and back down a bit and relearn how she speaks to people.
1 person likes this
@kiran1978 (4137)
• Australia
27 Apr 08
You sound like a very easy going person, I like the way you approach things. I do understand what you are saying about my friend, she is actually starting to reflect on herself. Maybe she will change the way she says some things. I am okay with her voicing her opinion to me.
1 person likes this
@p_vadla (1687)
• India
27 Apr 08
Nobody, per se, like taking things straight on the face.It all depends on the situation we are in. To whom we are saying things to.There is diplomacy also. Me too not being assertive naturally do not do straight talk.
1 person likes this
@kiran1978 (4137)
• Australia
27 Apr 08
Yes someone else here mentioned about diplomacy when being upfront, I think that is definately the key. Then there will be no havoc.
1 person likes this
@ESKARENA1 (18298)
27 Apr 08
no , i rarely say what i think and I think many of my problems throughout my life have resulted from this. I do need to be more upfront and lol in my personal life i seem blunt blessed be
1 person likes this
@kiran1978 (4137)
• Australia
27 Apr 08
Yes I too need to be more upfront in some situations as I have been trod on. Funny how you say in your personal life you say you are blunt but other situations not, you need to take some of that bluntness in other situations too, lol. I like what someone else said here be blunt in a gracious way though. Take care.
1 person likes this
• United States
27 Apr 08
Always speaking your truth is a very wondeful thing knowing when to keep your mouth shut is too.
1 person likes this
@kiran1978 (4137)
• Australia
27 Apr 08
Yes I agree with you, well said.
1 person likes this
@dierdre (2209)
• Philippines
27 Apr 08
yeah most of the time, but i know my limits though, if i find that what im gonna say maybe offensive, then i dont say it. but sometimes you have to offend other people to get your point across, if they are too persistent. maybe she is not only blunt, but she is tactless as well. that's why the people around her dont like her. my frankness never caused me any serious trouble, although what caused me trouble though was when what i said in confidentiality was told to another person, and of course, that other person got angry.
1 person likes this
@ozzeth (942)
• Philippines
28 Apr 08
I do always say whats in my mind but before i speak it out i should think it and try to analyze the situation. In a nicer way..smooth way. I guess your friend approached in a wrong way. So people misunderstood her. For her its nothing but the people accepted it as terrible. And one thing, she should also learn to adjust of the environment she's dealing with and give some considerations in little things. You know not all people that we can please of who we are.
@kiran1978 (4137)
• Australia
28 Apr 08
That is true we definately can not please everybody of who we are. I am happy for you that you are able to speak your mind but in a nice way.
• Indonesia
27 Apr 08
If I'm close to the person I talk to,,I tend to say what I think. Sometimes it's necessary to do that, to get people to know what others think about them. Some of my friends appreciate it and some don't.
@kiran1978 (4137)
• Australia
27 Apr 08
I think it is great how you say what you think to your close friends. I am sure most of them are okay with it as they know you are doing it because you care about them and that is who you are upfront. I think it is hard to always say what you think though with acquantences as they can take you the wrong way.
@mnflower (1300)
• United States
27 Apr 08
I am one that usually always say what I think but in some situations you have to be polite and only say what is needed.The workplace is the hardest place cause of all the different personalities and the situations and is really hard sometimes I think you have to sit back and just let things go and try to think things through and come to a better way of handling it, but for the most part I am a very open person and don't believe in beating around the bush as the old saying says and just say what I feel and think, that is who I am.Yes it does cause some havoc but you also have to stand tall and be who are you,in this messed up world you have to be who you are or you will get walked on and kicked down and to protect yourself one has to do what they have to do.
@kiran1978 (4137)
• Australia
27 Apr 08
I really like your response, you have a great attitude. I agree with you about hard bing upfront in thw workplace with different personalities. My friend that I was talking about is a nurse and she is finding it very hard as there are numerous people she has to liaise with everyday and it would be hard not to say what you think in that kind of stressful environment (works in emergency). I am glad you stand your ground and do not let people walk on you.
@Sonadora (356)
• United States
27 Apr 08
I use to always say what I thought out loud and it created a lot of havoc. I have learned to scale back a little bit and to see that there is a time and a place for everything. I have learned to hold in when it would be inappropriate to say something. I still say what I think but not always at that exact moment. It cuts down on the havoc quite a bit.
@kiran1978 (4137)
• Australia
27 Apr 08
Thanks for your response, it makes sense what you are saying. I think it would cause havoc to always say what you think, particularly in a work environment. Glad it works for you.
• Mauritius
30 May 08
sometimes i say what i think but not always as i dont want to hurt someone but sometimes it happens that even if someone would not like it i say it as i cant stop myself from telling the truth. but i know that not everytime people appreciate my words and it is quite obvious as everyone point of view cannot be the same.
@chrissieatu (1033)
• China
30 May 08
I am not that straight forward as you do. I always evaluate the effect before letting the words go out of my mouth. However sometimes I make mistakes too, especially when I am angry. Some of my friends talked to me about this problem too. I don't know what to say, because strictly speaking, it's really not a problem. But sometimes their words can be mean. Even though I know they don't intend to make me feel hurt, these words can be indeed harsh.
@julyteen (13257)
• Davao, Philippines
30 Apr 08
sometimes i am straight to the point but i only did this if i know the attitude of a person that if i tell immediately she/he won't hurt. Most of the time i will kept it on my mind and on myself to eliminate misunderstanding and dispute.