Cheaters, Wake up!

I believe there is a big difference between "making a mistake" and having an affair. We are all human, and some people are just dumb enough to set themselves up into bad situations. Script theory, as well as many other behavioral theories, show us that quite often we turn our partners into what we expect them to be and vice versa. I'm not going to make this about bible-bumping or anything, but I find it interesting that when pressed on the matter of divorce, the Christ replied, "Because of the hardness of your hearts--" adultery is the acceptable grounds for divorce. He implied that with forgiveness, then, the marriage should still be salvageable...but... Anyone can slip up, and it's our duty to try not to be that one, and to forgive our partner unconditionally--especially, if there are any powerful circumstances or recent rough roads to contend with... But an affair, on the other hand, or repeated cheating--those things, I cannot so easily feel any compassion for--here is a person who does not have the Love for themselves, for their family, for the person they are cheating on or with--but then, some are just plain lost causes...

Once you lock into the commitment of marriage yourself to one person there is absolutely no reason in this world to cheat, if you wanted to play the field then don't get married. I would never accept a cheater not after marriage ever.

You left the most important part out... Rather than cheating or putting up with each other while being miserable... Why not choose the third option? Talk to each other... Make compromises... Solve your differences... And make things work so that you can be happy. If you were happy enough to make the comittment of getting married to each other... there must be a way to get that back... but you need to want to... and it requires work.

Cheating in my point of view is unforgivable.. When a man/woman decides to cheat on his/her partner it is like ending the relationship even if it not marriage... For me not being able to make your relationship better then end it, don't cheat -I don't mean you :)-... Breaking up or getting a divorce is much better than cheating. At least you will be honest and won't be hurting your spouse. And if the person is a looser that can't improve the relationship doesn't give him/her the right to go look for a new partner while he/she is still with another.. end the current relationship then go find yourself a better one... Believe me I've suffered from cheating for 2 years and I got hurt more than once my ex boyfriend cheated on me with dozens of other women then he tried with my close friends -that's when I found out about it-... The problem of course gets worse when there are children involved they get confused emotionally since they can't know for sure what is going on. Some of them learn it and become cheaters themselves others stop trusting people around them and these are both unhealthy for children who their father/mother brought them to life and made a bad example for them... I can't understand how cheaters find their unhappiness an excuse to cheat where they have hundreds of other options... And I believe that a cheater is always a cheater and who cheats with you will cheat on you. Thanks for the interesting post :)

I agree with you 100%. My husband cheated on me a few years back. And to make matter even worse, I was pregnant with my second child at the time he committed adultery. It really hurt me so much but I decided to stay because of two reasons. 1. My religious belief and 2. My children. I strongly believe that any couple should work out their trouble marriage and not find solace in the arms of other man/woman. Give the marriage a chance to grow and be strong. It might not be that easy but it is worth trying. Cheating is not an excuse to get out of a trouble marriage or worse case scenario, an excuse to be with another man/woman. If there is a problem, work it out, talk it out and find the best solution. Don't be selfish.

I agree with you. I have had two horrible marriages and not once resorted to cheating. It is important to give yourself some space and heal as well as learn from the previous relationship. I really don't understand the concept of cheating but I assume that the person is hurting and finding solace in someone else. It is usually temporary and as you said, brings on more pain for their partner and children as well as themselves and the other person. it just makes things crazier. If the problems within the marriage were at all workable, cheating just makes it all the more difficult. You can't possibly put your heart and soul into the marriage when your off messing with someone else.

Well, that is interesting and I see your point. I'm not a fan of cheating or want to be cheated on but it happens regardless. I think when it comes to marriages, it's hard to want to stay when you know that there could be something better out there even though, you are not sure most of the times if there is something better than what you got right here right now. I'd rather leave the person first than cheat on them than leave them. Happiness is very important and if that is not in a marriage, how would anyone tell themselves they could stay for the sake of the children or whatever else is keeping them in that marriage? I honestly can't pretend to go on in a marriage knowing that I am not happy at all. Seeing that person everyday and knowing he doesn't bring me happiness is just hopeless and I wouldn't go on pretending at all. Either we find a way to make that work and find happiness again or I'm not staying.

Better on every one that if ya just cant get along and make it work get that divorce. Then if ya have to go look for someone else Its more likely that love will find you again unaware . ANd then you can build on that but get teh divorce first!

An excellent discussion, my friend, and oh, so true. My first husband cheated on me, and the kids definitely suffered for it. He didn't bother to keep in touch with them, and hardly gave anything towards supporting their upbringing. It was sooooooooo hard for me to see my kids suffer that way. They still mention him now, and how he didn't want them! It also happened with my brother and his daughter. She fell into deep depression, and thought she was unloved by him. In fact, she was so angry with him, she didn't talk to him for two years. That's the sort of affect cheating has on kids, and it's a very difficult and heartbreaking job for a mother to have to pick up the pieces for them, when their who life shatters. Brightest Blessings and thank you for bringing this home to us. It brought a tear to my eye, but you hit the nail right on the head my friend.

What you suggest is all correct but your suggestion that the cheat be reasonable, thoughtful, honest and have integrity and not cheat because of these things is not possible in my book. Cheaters are selfish, callous and despicable. If they think about the consequences they don't care. They don't care about the children and they don't care about the spouse. Even when/if they get caught they make excuses and perhaps even blame their partner using the partners perceived inadequacies as an excuse for their own philandering. People will always cheat. They will cheat their spouse, their friends, their boss, strangers. They are weak, pathetic liars and thieves, untrustworthy and either shallow or profoundly deceitful. There is absolutely no excuse for cheating, but it will always happen.

There is never a good reason to cheat. If your spouse is cold or unresponsive, talk to them, get coucilling, don't go looking for someone who is.

I feel that I have to say that your views regarding this matter are almost same as mine. But still, I'd like to add something more and share it in this discussion. There are two points in particular that I'd want to clear. First, it is adviseable that one has to truly know his/her partner - the real self including one's views and character - before deciding to spend his/her lifetime with this person. If for instance, one finds that his/her partner is cheating on him/her even if they are still going steady or in a relationship, it is best to reconsider one's decisions as to whether go on with the relationship or stop it this early on. As I perceive it, if he/she can do it even outside of marriage; he could do it even more easily when he's already tied up with a lifetime partner. If I may relate my own experience during the time when I was cheated by my boyfriend of more than three years. He was my first boyfriend and I was really shocked to know that he has impregnated a girl who personally called me up. Even before reaching our first year anniversary during our relationship, I made it clear to him that the only time I'd give him up is when a child is going to be involved. More so, if I found out about it and the child personally would ask me to give his/her father up for his/her sake. Would you think you could take it? My heart really goes out to children and personally, I couldn't take it. But in my case, I didn't wait for the child to tell me this, in order for me to take immediate action. That same day, I confronted my former partner and we broke up. It really hurt me but I couldn't bear ruining a family-to-be. To think that I'm the legal partner and that in reality, they are having an affair. They weren't married yet but I chose to give in. Second, I see so many wives sacrificing because their husbands have other women. If one examines it, the woman has no fault why she should suffer this. But most of the times, they bear it for their children's sake. Just like my mother whom my father cheated not only once and not only twice. But I won't go into the details because I know I'd get too emotional about this. I used to think that my mom should leave our father because of his mistakes. But that was then. Now that I've a family of my own, my reasoning has somewhat matured and I know that choosing to live with a partner means accepting not only the good times you're going through but also for his faults, shortcomings, and depressing moments you and your partner will have to bear. More so if you have children already, because they are truly the ones who'll be brokenhearted when your family breaks up.

hello dear lucky_witch. It is nice to see that kind of a discussion which stresses on a very important issue I also agree with you fully because the feelings of other person would be very hurt. In addition, if you think you deserve a better person for yourself, this also means there are many other people who are better than you and your partner would say the same. this means, emphaty is really important in every aspects of life. To be honest, you should use emphaty all the time before you act. Especially in the matters of heart, it is much more important because you are interacting with your wife, and your children as you mentioned. In addition, if you think you deserve someone better and if you think you really found one, you are definetely wrong because he or she is not the one who accepted to marry you in the conditions which your real partner accepted. I am also againist cheating and it would really cause to grow an unhealthy community in the future because such children wouldn't be feeling the best phsychology as you can guess.

Marriage is a lifelong commitment and there is neer an ecuse to cheat. If your marriage isn't working then you talk to your partner about it. If you can't work through your problems then you end it. I don't understand how people can treat their partners like that, it is horrible.

Problem is they keep thinking that the kids will adapt that they will be better off not having to listen to their parents fighting all the time or the slamming doors as one gives up and leaves usually the man. My mom's third marriage ended because of my stepdad cheating on her. We were left to struggle on our own yeah it brought us closer then before but it also left us scared emotionally and took us a long time to be able to trust again that we weren't going to be left again. My mom still has trust issues that get in the way of her current marriage now, in the back of her head there is that suspension niggling away that it might happen again. So it eats away at her slowly and has in some ways caused her to become bitter about marriage and other things. But having a parents marriage on the rocks is stressful enough without having to suddenly only have one parent it is like a piece of you is suddenly ripped away and the closeness you once had with your parent will never be regained. So if it can be worked out then work hard and find alot of different ways to try to make it work even therapy and counselling but try not to do it in front of the kids or within hearing distance and don't wait for them to go to bed because kids do hear more at night them during the day because it is more quiet out. Make sure if you feel a stiff coming on to try to get the kids out for awile away from it.

Well than you for sharing your article...You have made some very good points and have given some good advice....If there are any cheaters out there ,please think about what you are doing...

I have mixed feelings. Of course cheating is wrong-I agree. Some make mistakes. Thinking they will find what they are missing. Like the saying "the grass is greener on the other side" Its not. But sometimes you have to find out the hard way. I'm not so sure its about cheating as much as it is in being lonely. People get lonely and desprit. If you change your mind and dont want to cheat you have to live with the fact that you did till the day you die. I dont think all cheaters want to hurt anyone-its the loneliness and bordem. Try and look for good, safe ways to put your lonliness and bordem.

I have a solid mind block to cheating. I know I will feel absolutely violated by the man I chose to become one with. I just do not think I would be able to look past the hurt and carry on. I make this very clear from the on set of the relationship and any man who gets to me will realise it is just in nature to gain the trust of the one I love and to have faith in him in return. For my trust and faith to be broken is not easy to accept and definately not easy to mend. That said if my partner cheats he is on his own. If the trust and faith we had in each other could not sustain and restrain him then I am not going to have faith that it will do so in the future.