Is it a good behaviour to hate your father for what he had done before?

Happy Family - Happy Family that Im dreaming to have someday
Philippines
April 29, 2008 12:12am CST
Is it a good behaviour to hate my father for what he had done before. Actually, my father was not a good father before when i was young. He was really irresponsible. Its like i was living my life in hell for 18 years until my elder sister brought me out from his post. However, now that my life is okay, I mean i have a nice job i could say, this is the time that he really change his attitudes and his nice towards me and my younger sisters too. But its my elder sister who really hate him a lot. Any advices for this?
3 people like this
12 responses
• Indonesia
29 Apr 08
well,it's difficult to say something regarding the situation you're facing. in general situation, i will say it's not good to hate your own father. despite his attitude in the past, he is your father anyway. you exist because of him. i mean...god chose him to be your father. but i cannot blame you if you haven't been able to forgive your father, cause he didn't do what he should do, and maybe he did what he shouldn't do.
2 people like this
• Philippines
29 Apr 08
Hi.:) thanks for the advice.. yes your right i should not hate him despite of what he had done because even if I hated him all my life still i can't turn back time...have a great day!
1 person likes this
@mommyboo (13197)
• United States
30 Apr 08
Just because he's your father does not mean you're obligated to forgive him though. I know of plenty of people who are fathers and mothers but they are horrible parents, so the fact that they had biological children has nothing to do with the quality of their parenting. Of course it's not good to hate somebody, but if they are not worthy of love and don't deserve it, there is nothing that says you have to love them. Kids, when they are little, tend to love unconditionally, they put you on a pedestal. Only later do they learn that you make mistakes too and that you're all human. I would think that any parent's goal would be to be worthy of that unconditional love from their little ones, and continue that as their little ones grow to adulthood. This isn't to say you don't make mistakes and never get angry, but you consider they are real people with real feelings and you can't just abuse or say what you want because you're their parent.
1 person likes this
@chiyosan (30194)
• Philippines
29 Apr 08
i do not think that it can be called a behaviour not having compassion to your biological father. After all, it was a consequence he has to pay for not treating you right and for not showing you love. Love begets Love. Show kindness and it will be opened up to you. The world is round.. and what goes around comes around. What exactly do you feel towards your dad? Do you just hate him? Do you not want to help him and just let him be since you have basically lived your life without his aid? Whatever you decide on… to forgive your father or to hold grudges, remember… he is still your father. Whatever you do or whatever he may have done, your ties will forever be there.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
29 Apr 08
Hi at chiyosan..:) I hated my father because he never do his resposibility as a father, emotionally and financially. He never tried to help me reaching my goals and dreams in life and he didnt even care my education because he believe that eduction has nothing to do with my life and his life. Anyway, i still believe and willing to give him second chances as everybody in this world deserves such thing and I hope and pray that he and will learn his mistakes before and must change his character before anything will happen. Actually, as of now i didnt really care about him because i think i could live my life according to my expectation without him but still i will and do forgive him. Thank and wish you luck
1 person likes this
@sisterjinx (1136)
• United States
29 Apr 08
Anyone can change. Of course anyone can also pretend to change. My advice would be to tred lightly. You and your father are both different people now. You have had time to think on the past and have lived through experiences that may have changed you both. You can forgive him for the past and try to move forward. Give him a chance to show you who he is now. Let him earn your trust and respect. If he shows that he has not changed in reality then you can feel comfortable walking away, but I think everyone deserves a second chance. Put yourself in his shoes. Try to look at his past and what made him act in the ways that hurt you so much. Then try and see who is now. Even if the changes are small, were they difficult for him? Is he making a real effort? All of these things play a part in whether or not you should give him a chance. And remember he is your father. The only one you will ever have. Someday you might wish you had more time with him and you won't be able to. Take that opportunity now. Forgiveness also helps you. A person living with regret or holding a grudge can never find real peace of the self or true health. Give yourself that opportunity. Good luck.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
29 Apr 08
Hi there! thank you so much for the great advices.. and yes your on the right track that everybody deserves second chances and i'm hoping that he will really change for good for that second chance that i could give to him.. Thanks a lot and god bless you!
1 person likes this
• United States
29 Apr 08
well i had alot of anger toward my dad for personal reasons and i hated him for a while when i got older and was on my own he had apoligized to my ex for what he had done and i am the type of person that cant be angery forever he changed his ways and is there now as a dad
1 person likes this
• United States
29 Apr 08
i have to tell you to try not to hate him - hatred is a very corrosive emotion, and the only person it really damages is you, as you cannot fully move on while these feelings control you. i hated my dad from late childhood until my early twenties. he was not only irresposible but abusive as well. then i began speaking to him again - just a few times, really, over the next 10 or so years - and i learned to let go and see if things had changed with him. i (and my tween son) actually moved into an apartment that he and my then boyfriend shared - the ultimate test! turns out the only thing that changed was that he quit drinking - he was emotionally abusive and very derogatory toward my son - and it took me about 6 months to see it happening, another 6 months until i could get us out of it - and i am now completely and forever done with him. i refuse, however, to give him the satisfaction of my hatred - HE IS NO LONGER IN CONTROL. through all this yammering, what i'm really trying to say is that i'm glad you could get out - and you all just need to move forward in your lives - you are better off, i'm sure.
@dhangski (3194)
• Philippines
29 Apr 08
Everyone makes mistakes. I think you should forgive your father for what he has done. Try to understand him, maybe he has had problems before that he doesn't want all of you to know, that's why he became irresponsible.
1 person likes this
@longbangod (1791)
• Philippines
29 Apr 08
I think whatever mistakes a father has done to his kids is always exusable or he can always be forgiven. Especially when you see him changed already. My idea or opinion is give him a chance. After all, you wont reach that far, (having a good education or job) if not because of him.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
1 May 08
It is not a good thing to hate your father. I myself am a father and believe me, I don't want my sons & daughters to hate me. My father is some shortcomings to us, but i don't hold any grudges to him although sometimes I wish he was better but i do love him. Know the saying 'what ever you saw you will reap' so this is a warning, someday you will be a father too, do you want your child to hate you? have a nice day
@mommyboo (13197)
• United States
30 Apr 08
If you've been hurt by those who are supposed to protect and love you the most, I don't think you truly get over it. Forgiving somebody for their past mistakes is always a calculated risk. Sometimes it pays off because they are genuinely sorry for their mistakes and their behavior, and they do what they can to try and right things, but if they don't appear remorseful, have never apologized, and do not change their behavior, then I do not think it's the right idea to forgive and forget. I am a bit of a cynic now and realize that people should not expect others to let things go - rather people need to be responsible for how they treat others, in the past, in the present, and in the future. Sometimes a relationship is just toxic because one person in it just doesn't understand they need to give and take, not just take. If you are the one who has constantly been taken from, it is not fair and the relationship will not be healthy until they begin to give back. It has been my experience that people like this don't often learn to give back, and as painful as it might be, sometimes it is wiser to end the relationship and avoid the person. That may be what your sister is trying to do - stay away from him because of what he did. Not everybody can just forgive and forget when they have been wronged.
• United States
30 Apr 08
Im writing this comment before viewing others first just so I can give you the most honest answer of what I believe. Me and my father have had a rocky relationship but the only reason I call it rocky is that I took 20 years to really address the issues I have with him and what made it SO hard to even do that is because my father continually acted like everything was fine and dandy and that crushed me and when I acted out as a teenager inside I wanted to tell my dad so bad that 'you hurt me' (my father was physically abusive). Well, now 26, that has continued and I had to distance myself from my father and cut all ties to become emotionally more healthy and focus on what I want and not to please my father because thats what you want to do when you've been abused growing up as a kid, you feel like you were the problem and even now the damage shows as I feel like I have to please everyone or its not good enough or that others will think badly of me. But it has been the best thing I have ever done because it gave me permission to become my own person and there is not that anger but more acknowledgment--I do not feel as connected to the problem and it does not define me. Will I continue my relationship with my father....probably because the anger is dissipating and I do not even see that connection of father and daughter--its not SOO important but now I am beginning to see my father as a just a person...with vulnerabilities and I think this is something every child has to go through and alot of them perhaps don't until much later but its teaching me how to forgive...but I wouldn't say I have had hate but intense anger and experienced hate toward my mother who I have now been able to forgive entirely because she reached out to me even though overlooking the past and that made all the difference.
@se7enthbird (8324)
• Philippines
30 Apr 08
i think we are on the same boat. i hate my dad too. thou we are seeing every once in a while but i dont find time to really sit down and have a talk with him. for i know all the words he will be saying is praising himself and telling how stupid we are. as i was growing all i hear was fights. he never even attended at my school special ocassions like graduation day. i dont want people telling me that i should build a friendship with him because a person like that is not worth to be a friend. i once ask helped from him and all i got was a lot of heart pain and headaches. i am a dad too now, i have a two year old son and i will do everything for him to be proud of me. i will make sure i am there for him no matter what. if you want to forgive your dad and start a friendship with him then why not try it. do it because you like it not because someone is telling you to do it. i tried to reach out to mine but nothing happened.
• Lubbock, Texas
30 Apr 08
Hate is never good. Hate destroys the hater and does little to the hated. if you are disappointed with your father and don't care to associate with him, that's understandable. Forgiveness doesn't necessarily mean that you and your father will automatically build a good relationship, but you must forgive him before you can move on with your life. The past is gone and he can't change it and neither can you. Try to forgive him, whether you can make with him or not, but don't let hatred tear you down. The way my children got over the ill feelings for their father was to realize that everyone does what they have to do to survive. For some people that means rejecting responsibility, or even being abusive because that is their coping mechanism. It doesn't make it right, but that's the way it was. My children all love their father, but don't like the way he behaved in the past and sometimes don't like the way he behaves now. They just accept him for what he is.