I Have A Big Problem That I Need Help With!!!!

Tweet

I don't know if this is the right section to put this in but I thought maybe someone would see it and maybe be able to help me because the situation is killing me and making me hurt more than you can imagine. When I was just barely five years old..I lost my mom to cancer. I was the baby of the family. My father was unable to care for me so I was sent to live with an older sister who had not been married long and was only 18 and married to a horrible abusive man...Right from the git go I was shown I wasn't wanted and that I was not someone they would want in their home. My sisters husband did things like, at five years old took me to this trailer where a man lived and told me I was bad and that I was going to go live with him and he told me the man had maggots...of course being five years old I had no idea what maggots were and when he explained I cried for my mother. I lived in torture there. When I was ten I was forced to go live with my brother and his wife. The wife couldn't stand the fact that she was burdened with me.....but at that point I had learned not to cry and give anyone satisfaction of seeing me hurt...I was never given anything there and for the most part all my birthdays were forgotten by family members...I didn't live with my brother long as I was a burden and I was also a ward of the court. I was sent to live with a half sister and her husband that I had never met. I lived with them from age 11 til 13. I was sexually abused everyday by her husband and forced to lose all innocence and feeling. I was beaten one day with a hot iron because I ironed something wrong. I was told repeatedly by my half sister that I was not meant for this earth...I forgot how to cry after awhile and tried to make myself invisible. I finally was moved from there after three years of not one social worker coming to see if I was dead by going to the guidence counselor at work and telling them that if I had to I would sleep on his floor til they found me a new home....the counselor called home to see what the problem was and when I got home I was beaten to the point I could hardly move....but I got moved eventually....back to the original sister who didn't want me.I married at 17 just to get away...and my sister happily signed the papers to get me out of her hair...my father was an alcoholic who died of liver cancer when I was 21. I really didn't get a chance to know him as when he was around he was in a fog. I wondered many times why I was put on this earth and why I was chosen to be tortured and why didn't anyone love me. But I got beyond it, I went through 3 marriages, therapy...which didn't help and I became a preschool teacher for 13 years in hopes of giving something to the children who had no voice. I became a parent of a son and basically raised him in perfect childhood...giving him the life I would have chosen if I got a chance when I was young. He is now 21 and very adjusted. Last Christmas I tried to get my brother and sisters together to meet for lunch....and my sister said...I have a family and you are not included in it because I choose you not to be because all I need is my immediate family....April 18th my birthday came and went and no one in my family called to even wish me a happy day...I am now 49 years old and all that seems to run over in my mind is the things that I was tortured with as a child.....the things said to me....the way no one wanted me...and the thoughts of the pools of tears I shed before I boxed in and made myself numb......I shake my head all the time thinking why would a child have to go through a life like that.......and what was so wrong with me....I feel like no one has ever wanted me on this earth and that I was a mistake........please advise me on how I can move on with my life and not think of these things.....it is tearing me up inside