Do I Slit My Wrists Now or Later?

Regina, Saskatchewan
April 30, 2008 12:39am CST
Today I have learned that some dear friends are so disillusioned with petty little minds here, they are leaving for awhile. I have learned that other friends have such awful family problems they are torn in half as to whom to be with. I have learned that others have received news of betrayals and crimes. I won't even talk about what's in the news - which really isn't news anymore, just more of the same old, same old. As for myself, I have learned that my Dad is worse and I'm so far away, even emails seem meaningless. Some days life just sucks, you know? My heart bleeds for each and every one of us, and if I let my feelings get the better of me, I would dig a hole and crawl right in, never to come out. But I know that that's not a viable option as well as I know that tomorrow I will wake up to another day full of bad news, some good, and if I'm lucky 'the dog will have come back home'. We live in a terrible world, a meaningless time in history. How do we rise above it all? How do we find the silver lining and the hope and courage to go on? Why bother? I can't change the whole world. Neither can you. The sixties are gone forever, never to return. So what's a person to do? I have given this a lot of thought over the years, through heartache, struggle, pain and more pain, illness, loss and abandonment. Some days that rusty old razor, hanging with it's strop, of Grandpa's looks mighty good. I pick it up. I stroke it. I test it - ouch it's sharp, even after all these years...but I always put it down again, because................ well.............. Because you never know what a day will bring. You never know what's around the next corner. You never know who or what you'll discover that will put the glow back in the day, in your life, in the meaning of it all. There are no quick fixes to anything anymore, that will last more than a minute or two. The world runs on built-in obsolescence. But there are still small miracles. And like the 'straw that BROKE the camel's back' it takes something very small and almost overlooked to make that camel's back strong and worth riding on again. Look for the small miracles people. It's the little things that can break you. It's also the little things that can make you. So I think, for now - I'll slit my wrists later.........maybe never. How about you?
13 people like this
19 responses
• United States
30 Apr 08
Good Grief I am beginning to think the lot of you my friends have lost your minds, but if you must sink into this abyss, here is but one of my favorite haunting sonnets. My heart a haunted manor is, where Time Has fumbled noiselessly with mouldering hands: At sunset ghosts troop out in sudden bands, At noon 'tis vacant as a house of crime; But when, unseen as sound, the night-winds climb The higher keys with their unstilled demands, It wakes to memories of other lands, And thrills with echoes of enchanted rhyme. Then, through the dreams and hopes of earlier years, A fall of phantom footsteps on the stair Approaches near, and ever nearer yet, A voice rings through my life's deserted ways: I turn to greet thee, Love. The empty air Holds but the spectre of my own regret.
5 people like this
@filmbuff (2909)
• United States
30 Apr 08
That as uplifting. :P All seriousness aside, I kind've like it, it seems very Eadgar Alan Poe-ish...
4 people like this
• United States
30 Apr 08
Why Hello My handsome young Friend you are close, actually it is Edgar Saltus, its only part of a rather long sonnet, but yes it is beautiful, and comforting in a sad sort of way.... Sooo good to see you... you enjoying your WII?
5 people like this
@filmbuff (2909)
• United States
30 Apr 08
Yeah I am, it's pretty fun. Found a fun golf game and getting addicted to both Zelda and that stupid surgery game that is like a really, really bad episode of ER. I do however find myself yelling out strange things like demanding to know where Dr. Connor is, and calling for a 32 french stat for a catheder insertion. My dog however mostly ignores me and occasionally gives me a quizical look...I need a better nurse...
4 people like this
@filmbuff (2909)
• United States
30 Apr 08
My oh my how I can relate to what you are going through, and how you feel. I've been there, as you know only too recently. You are, however, correct, "you never know what a day will bring." No less than a month ago, I had given up, utterly and completely on this world and my life. My end was all planned out. I did discover that in removing myself from a very bad situation it changed my outlook greatly, and I had help from quite a few friends. The change did not happen overnight, well actually it did but it was weeks in the making, then one day, I realized that I no longer wanted off the planet, or least did not feel the same sense of urgency to extricate myself from it. More days passed, and my old horrible job was replaced with the promise of a new and better one, that I am sure while not perfect (what job or thing or person is perfect? it will be far better. The future for me, literally changed overnight. It can, and I hope it will for you too. Perhaps you and I feel a bit too strongly, and emmulate Atlas a bit too much. We can't carry the weight of the world of our shoulders, I'm not sure that we should even try. That being said, a leapord cannot change its spots and I'm sure we will and maybe that is okay afterall, maybe we will effect someone else in a positive way and the whole process will just snowball in a good way. You made a difference for me, and I am here for you as well. If you need to talk shoot me an email, I'm more than willing to listen. Go with the flow and take life as it comes, deal with each situation the best you can and be sure to laugh... often. Hang in there my friend, things are bound to improve because honestly... how much worse can they get?
4 people like this
• United States
30 Apr 08
Filmbuff you have no idea how my heart feels to read your words. To say I was concerned about you is an understatement....I am proud of you! proud I say :)))))
5 people like this
@filmbuff (2909)
• United States
30 Apr 08
Thanks. :) The crisis is over and the meltdown done methinks.
4 people like this
• United States
30 Apr 08
Hey filmbuff, YAY!!!!!!! So, now we're gonna see a different filmbuff, arent' we? I hope not too different, though, we rather like the old one, but it will be so wonderful to know that you're feeling good now and are back in the swing of things. I'm very happy for you, darlin.
4 people like this
@longbangod (1791)
• Philippines
30 Apr 08
Good decision! Never think about that again. Because even if the world seems so cruel, even life seems so unkind and very hard to handle, still only God has the right to end the life that He lend to us. Remember that He just want us to be strong, since trials and challenges even problems will help us understand things, help us find ways to solve it and help us become ready for the next challenges that would our way. Life is wonderful, try to look at the brighter side of it. Think of those people you love and love you in return. Think of those people who have heavier load than you. then you will find it easier to solve your own problems. God bless you my friend!
4 people like this
• Canada
30 Apr 08
Unfortunately, sparks is the type of person, that if she thinks of people who have a heavier load, she will also take on their problems and try to fix them, too. She is sweet, kind and generous like that and it sometimes takes it's toll on her. But thinking about those that she loves and love her will help.
3 people like this
• Regina, Saskatchewan
30 Apr 08
Thank you both for your lovely comments. Actually this post was written late last night when I should have been in bed. But I couldn't sleep for thinking of all the pain that has been expressed here on the lot for the last few days. So this discussion was my way of getting it out of my system, using myself as an example, and hopefully waking others up to how little it really takes to put the light back in life. Hugs to you both - especially you Annie, especially you!
2 people like this
• United States
30 Apr 08
Put the razor down and step back away very slowly....I think I'll wait with you to see what tomorrow brings. It is not always bad, and sometimes a little comes with bad as well. My fiance is looking at two months of being laid off. Bills are gonna get even tighter and life is gonna be hard. I could sit and sulk about it, or I can be happy we are all gonna get a little more time with him. My body is in the midst of a terrible flare up, I could lie in bed all day, moaning in pain, or I can sit here at my puter and talk with my friends. Hey, I even encouraged my kids to get up off their duffs this morning, and now the house looks better than it has in days, and I didn't have to lift a finger. Bottom line is, there's gonna bad days, but there's gonna be good days. And some days there will be a little of both. We can't let the bad stuff get us down, or we wont be around to enjoy the good stuff. Peace and blessings friend!
• Regina, Saskatchewan
30 Apr 08
And it's people like you edgy that make my days better and better all the time. Many hugs and many thanks. Now post a pic of that cleaned up living room! LOL
2 people like this
• United States
30 Apr 08
I'm just glad to be of inspiration..... I'd love to show you a pic, I just took a couple, and uploaded them hee,, but I don't know how to get them to this discussion????
2 people like this
• United States
1 May 08
I guess I don't have that priveledge yet, just another reason to reach 500. So I started a new discussion under fibromyalgia, with a pic of the cleaned up living room, it's titled, I had to brag on my kids(or something like that)
2 people like this
@novataylor (6570)
• United States
30 Apr 08
You're right, baby, there are small miracles everywhere, and even some big ones too. I see them every day. You are beautiful, the world is beautiful, and I am, well, I'm ok. Oh, all right, I'm beautiful too. Ever read the book by John Nichols called The Milagro Beanfield War? Or saw the movie? The book is part of a trilogy by him, and I've read all three, but I can't for the life of me remember the titles of the other two, but one of them is so on the edge of my mind, it's driving me crazier. Oh well, it'll come to me, probably in the middle of the night. ANyway, talking about miracles... Read it, Spark - it's marvelous!!!! Mystical, funny, uplifting, mmmmmmm good!
3 people like this
• Regina, Saskatchewan
30 Apr 08
1. The Milagro Beanfield War 2. The Magic Journey 3. Nirvana Blues LOL Yes I read them all in University. I used to have them all in hardcover. But I'm sure I can get new copies from Amazon. I'll have to check. Truly wonderful books and a must for every home library. Thanks for reminding me Nova. What a gift you are!
2 people like this
• United States
30 Apr 08
Yay, you came up with them!!!! I loved those books, Spark. It's been years since I've read them, but I've read them more than once, and I'm in love with the movie. If you haven't seen it, try to, it's worth it. Very well done, very fun to watch. I just wish he was still writing, but I don't think he is....
3 people like this
@Hatley (164239)
• Garden Grove, California
30 Apr 08
Every dark time brings a good time was what my mom used to say and she lived with a man old enough to be her father and she smiled and laughed and suffered his stupid verbal abuse.love is blind I guess but she loved him so he was special to her,why Iused to think but maybe she was far happier than I thought. Anyway I have told myself that over and over through years of good and bad times. here on mylot there are just a few who have tiny petty mean little minds and always seem to pick on the very best of our mylotters.thats so sad.you would think they would be all grown up by now but guess not. I am sorry to hear that your dad is worse and you are far away, as that alone would worry you so. but there are so many wonderful people on mylotthat it should bring a bit of cheer to you. Some little things can be so up lifting and cheer giving.
• Regina, Saskatchewan
30 Apr 08
People like you Hatley make my days here worthwhile. Thanks so much for being here and being my friend. Many many hugs to you!
1 person likes this
@moneyandgc (3430)
• United States
30 Apr 08
Your title threw me off balance for a sec... Now I'm back. I keep a printed out quote on the door to my refridgerator. It reads: "Every tomorrow is like turning the page in a novel. Don't close the book too soon." This came from one of my favorite authors, Sidney Sheldon. I used to have as my myspace quote something along the lines of, "Whether or not you get your happy ending depends on when you decide to end your story." It wasn't that exactly and I can't remember it word for word, but that was the point of the quote. Great post as always.
3 people like this
• Regina, Saskatchewan
30 Apr 08
Thank you sweets, and what wonderful quotes. I will be putting them in my quote book and using them for sure, for sure! And thanks also for getting passed the title. Clever girl!
2 people like this
@bellaofchaos (11549)
• United States
30 Apr 08
There are no quick fixes in life and band aids usually don't work either. LOL! * sigh * There was a time in my life that I wouldn't question the sharp cut of a knife or razors into my skin to watch the blood seep out from the skin and then drop to the ground. But I have so much now and I hate to ever even think of going back to that. I have thought that you are never given more than you can take and that what you do get and deal with only makes you stronger. I'm sorry that there are those that have problems that are hard and I hope that they make it through. And to you my dear spark I'm a phone call a way and an email away .. don't forget that .. I might have to hunt you down and give you a stern talking to. LOL!!!
2 people like this
• Regina, Saskatchewan
30 Apr 08
Gosh Annie wants me to squeal and you're going to hunt me down and give me a stern talking to! Where's the bloody razor, I can't take all this!!!! LOL I'm ok bella. Just venting and using the razor to illustrate a point. I won't make that mistake again! LOL
• United States
30 Apr 08
You know how concerned we are about you . we love and care for you and that is why me and Annie will go to great lengths to make sure your alright and that the ex doesn't get the better of you .. You deserve so much more love .. I hope you know and see that .. take care and talk to you soon.
1 person likes this
• Regina, Saskatchewan
30 Apr 08
I know that bella. And one day, I just may count on it - but not now. Now I'm fine and terribly in love with you both!
@kamran12 (5555)
• Pakistan
30 Apr 08
Hello spark! :-) I am sorry about your Dad and the fact that you are far from him. I am sorry that you are feeling down because you are seeing too much around, not only in your life but also in the lives of your dear ones. But, I also know for a fact that you are very resilient, that you know how to fight, you know how NOT to give up and you know that you can't allow yourself to lose, can you? I don't think so, and it's very much obvious from the second part of your discussion. I know that you are much more optimistic than you can be pessimistic. A person who knows how to find fun in misery knows the rules of living a life and enjoying it even when it's full of trouble. I believe in small miracles, spark, in fact I often think that they aren't small, they are huge in the sense that they carry a promise and full life in themselves. Whenever I come across a problem, while I deal with it head on, I do stop to think afterwards that it was "one" problem among many blessings that I take for granted and enjoy having without knowing that I do. I try to see the life in full spectrum where problems are exceptions in between many blessings, however close and often they come. What troubles me more is what's going around in the world we live in. In my part of the world, walking on street, one can see the tragedies, misery, poverty, but also happiness, laughter at the same time. I used to feel very angry, and I still do, whenever I used to see these poor people, exploited, unjustly treated, lacking food and shelter, and would speak against authorities who are doing nothing for their well being. My father asked me if I have done my part? And when I asked what can I do, what is government for? He used to say that one can always do something even if it is little and even if it is for a single person and even if it is just giving a smile or lending a listening ear. There will be at least one person less from among those you are feeling angry for. And, this way, seeing a smile on there face, while the pain will be still there, there will also be comfort about one person. That's how I try to see things. You are right spark, there is always a new day, a new beginning and one never knows what it is, and what charm it may bring with it. Hang in there, dear friend, there is surely a new day just around the next corner! :-)
2 people like this
• Regina, Saskatchewan
30 Apr 08
Kamran I love you! Pure and simple. You read the whole and got the whole point! How refreshing. And you are right. Even if it's only one life we change, make better, people will pay it forward and it will spread. I believe that. I try to do that. And today's new day is much lighter, and happier than yesterday. I just shouldn't post at night when I'm tired and a bad day has worn me down. Br to you!
2 people like this
• United States
30 Apr 08
I love you too, Kamran, but you know that already. Spark, you said it right - he summed it all up. See? Another miracle, darlins, right here in front of our eyes.
3 people like this
• Regina, Saskatchewan
30 Apr 08
Yep! He sure did. I just love 'hearing that man talk'! LOL Makes my day, so it does!
2 people like this
@cortjo73 (6500)
• United States
30 Apr 08
I am glad that you will postpone slitting your wrists for later or never! I think I will join you! As the saying goes, "what doesn't kill us makes us stronger". Why pass up a chance to be made stronger?
2 people like this
• Regina, Saskatchewan
30 Apr 08
Exactly cortjo. I've been to the dark side of depression. That razor is my constant reminder not to go there again. But so many good people were so badly hurt here yesterday and I needed to get my feelings about it out of my system before I could go to bed. It's done, and I'm fine now. I hope everyone else is feeling better today too.
1 person likes this
@cortjo73 (6500)
• United States
30 Apr 08
Wow Sparks! What did I miss here yesterday? I think I was oblivious or something. It upsets me to see that you, as happy go lucky as you always are, were so upset by something. Me, things can upset me a little easily sometimes but, you seem to have such a bright outlook on life that I struggle to imagine what happened here.
1 person likes this
• Regina, Saskatchewan
30 Apr 08
SOme dear friends are on hiatus from the lot due to personal problems, and some attacking of sweet people here who didn't deserve. Others just got bad news in the offline lives that left them reeling. It was a bad day for a lot of people, and I just felt so bad for them, that I had to express it and offer some hope. Be thankful you missed it cortjo. It wasn't pretty. Sometimes this site can just take the heart right out of you and leave it bleeding on the floor.
1 person likes this
@Darkwing (21588)
30 Apr 08
Wise thoughts indeed, my friend. I don't really know what I can add to that except that for every bad thing there will be a good to balance it up. You're going through one of those bad patches now, and I think almost everybody has had a bad start to this year in some form or another... if not more than one... but what would happen if we all decided we wanted out? There would be nothing left here!!! We're all here for each other, my friend, and talking is cheap. That's the way I get over things, plus like you, I need to know what's around the corner... I can't opt out and never know how my life would have turned out. Life, Nature and love are the best gifts that have ever been bestowed on us, and it's up to us to make the very best of them. A big ((((((HUGGGGGGGGG)))))) for you my friend, and I hope you'll find much happiness just around that next bend in your path. Brightest Blessings, and lots of love. xxxx
• Regina, Saskatchewan
30 Apr 08
Thanks sweets. As long as I can find you around that bend, I'll be dancing down the pathways of life, you betcha!
2 people like this
@Darkwing (21588)
1 May 08
Awwww, thank you, my friend. I shall be happy to dance with you! xx
1 person likes this
• Regina, Saskatchewan
1 May 08
Put the ribbons on the Maypole luv, I'm on my way!...................
1 person likes this
@rev1wendy (611)
• United States
3 May 08
You ever listen to Janice Joplin? I have been going to end it all tomorrow, for a long time. Just like the song goes. Every day I wake up and it's today. Tomorrow never happens, it's all the same f%$k*&g day. My mom was an awesome, spineless, sweet, naive, cetifiable person. Go figure, right! Anyway, when I was little and would get hurt, like all littel kids I would run to Momma in tears. I was very young when I remember thinking that I would have to remember her words for the rest of my life. I stopped my kids tears, fights, any negative with, "What? You did? All over the floor? And picked it up and ate it? You sure must like popcorn!" Where she ever came up with that, I may never know. But it sure a tear stopper. And now I know it will be months before you can have any negative emotion creep into your life without bringing a smile with. Even if it is a sympathy smile for your friend The Rev. Love ya. PS. Do you really think I am certifiable? Thanks!! You are so sweet!! :)
2 people like this
• Regina, Saskatchewan
3 May 08
LOL! That was great and yes it will bring a smile to my face in my next dark moment. Of course you are certifiable. We all are if we let our sense of humor come out to play.
1 person likes this
• United States
3 May 08
You mean I am supposed to bring it in once in a while? Maybe that is why it has stayed a little dirty around the edges for so long. Maybe I better bring it in for a minute and give it a shower and sustenance. Naw, I'll just toss it a morsel of nutritional value from Comedy Central and let it run wild as always!
2 people like this
• Regina, Saskatchewan
3 May 08
LOL - right with you there Rev, for sure, for sure!
1 person likes this
@sid556 (30989)
• United States
1 May 08
sparks, I have to say that I read your post hanging on every last word and was so relieved to see the positive note at the end....thankyou because I was all set to be PMing you tonite and to be honest...i was not in the mood but I would have. You are so right. Life is ever changing...and the good is only good for a while but likewise the bad is only bad for a while and we have to understand that and ride thru it.
2 people like this
• Regina, Saskatchewan
1 May 08
Thanks sid for being willing to overcome your mood to offer me comfort - see, that's just the kind of little miracle I was talking about! It was such a bad day here yesterday for so many of my friends, and I needed to vent. Many hugs to you my dear friend. Many, many, many!!!!
2 people like this
@sid556 (30989)
• United States
1 May 08
hugging you back!!
1 person likes this
@dartman2 (124)
• Canada
1 May 08
Just a brief comment: My mum always says "There is a reason for everything". Although this is a loaded statement and can be taken many ways, I have found in my 57 short years that believing this tiny notion has allowed me to "see" the resulting growth or understanding, or new ideas, that are spawned from apparently negative experiences in one's life. Sometimes, as you have so well orchestrated, thank you, they have inspired others to new levels of thought or interaction. Have a wonderful day.
• Regina, Saskatchewan
1 May 08
Thanks for sharing dartman! And welcome to mylot. YOu have a very wise mother by the way. Good for her and you for listening to her!
1 person likes this
@theprogamer (10539)
• United States
30 Apr 08
Don't even attempt it. Your advice at the end is correct though Spark. Things are kind of sad and downing, but in terms of news and the world, just carve out your own space and live peacefully. Mylot can do this (to some extents), but so can other hobbies. If I feel detached or depressed I can just got to music, art or just relax for a bit. Look for the positive if you can. Its harder since news has to be negative for ratings -_-... but some positive stories are there. If that doesn't work, just escape for a bit. Shut off the TV and computer. Sit outside and just take in the moments like that.
2 people like this
• Regina, Saskatchewan
1 May 08
Wise words gamer. Sometimes though, I wish I had someone to share those down moments with, you know? The soon to be ex has absolutely no patience with 'finding little miracles' and his idea of nature is pissing behind a tree! LOL Thank god for friends here.
1 person likes this
@maddysmommy (16233)
• United States
30 Apr 08
Maybe never is the right answer. Life has lots to offer and even though the downs seem to outway the ups at the moment, things will get better sparky. They always seem to when you least expect it. All I know for now, is that my son keeps me going through the thick and thin, and gives me courage to keep on going, no matter what is happening in and around my life. He is my silver lining and my hope to keep going.
2 people like this
• Regina, Saskatchewan
30 Apr 08
They are better already mommy. Much, thanks to so many lovely people here. My sons do the same for me. Their courage astounds me and gives me such pride and hope and desire to be a better person myself. They too, are my silver lining. Hugs to you for pointing that out to me.
1 person likes this
@rhane7315 (5670)
• Philippines
30 Apr 08
it's my turn to give you a big hug right now. a big hugz for you (((((((((((((((you))))))))))))))) thanks for making me feel better the other day and now it's my turn to make you feel better. you can count on me and i'm here whenever you some friends and a shoulder to cry on
2 people like this
• Regina, Saskatchewan
30 Apr 08
Right back at you sweetheart. Aren't hugs just the best things!!!!!!!
• Canada
30 Apr 08
Don't think like that sparks. Do I have to come over there and spank you? Would you squeal? I hope so. It would make it so much more fun if you did. Please, squeal, eh? My joy comes from my animals. I love them dearly. They teach me everyday that 'tomorrow is a new day' and something good or bad could happen on any day. But it all evens out in the end. And the sixties are coming back, don't you know? MJ is almost legal again. It is closer to being legal now than it was then. And it was very close then. I better get my a$$ to the post office and send you some pronto to cheer you up. Yeah, that's what I'll do. Today, for sure, promise. Okay? I hope it will make it there before the weekend. There's something to look forward to, a gift. That way, you won't have to pretend on Saturday. hee hee Love ya, and I will not let you fall down. Not on MY WATCH, no way. And I try not to watch the news because I find it too depressing and I am prone to that. So why bother watching, when I am happy in my ignorant bliss.
• Regina, Saskatchewan
30 Apr 08
"happy in my ignorant bliss" - oh so YOU! LOL Nah, I'm ok. It was late and I was hurting so for my friends. Had to get it out of my system. You know me. Way too Irish to let life get the better of me! LOL
• Philippines
1 May 08
Life is full of trials...yours is still small compared to homeless people
1 person likes this
• Regina, Saskatchewan
1 May 08
No matter what a persons trials, they are NOT small to them! And has it every occured to you that most homeless people like their homelessness? I know many, where this is true. After all they made and continue to make, the choice to live like that. Think about it.
1 person likes this
@Ravenladyj (22936)
• United States
1 May 08
No matter what a persons trials, they are NOT small to them! Absolutely!! You can NEVER compare the pains of two ppl..EVER...and to attempt to do so is b.s.. also..being a former homeless person asawan, i can say with EXPERIENCE that I'd have taken being homeless again over some of my other trials in life in a heartbeat..
2 people like this
• Regina, Saskatchewan
2 May 08
Well said Raven. Thank you for emphasizing my point to this response. I've seen pretty much the same answer from this person on so many threads, that I'm beginning to wonder if that's all that's in his/her brain!
1 person likes this