Kicking around a new idea!!!

United States
May 1, 2008 8:28am CST
It was just before dawn when Sam decided to wake up. Turning over and turning of the alarm Sam got out of bed and went straight for the shower, once their Sam leaned into the hot stream hitting her lower back and feeling the tension drain out of her body. What was she going to do? She knew she couldn't hide in the spray of water from the shower forever. No, don't think of that now she thought to herself, but her mind kept going Sam my dear you can't go on like this forever, your going to have to face the facts and what you have done. Dammit that voice needed to go away but it was constantly harassing her. Telling her what she needed to do with her and her life. But it was her life not some little annoyance in the back of her head. So how do I keep you locked up she thought to herself, it had been at least five years since she had this little annoyance. But she hated the drugs why oh why is that the only way to get rid of you my dear? Sam got out of the shower and grabbed the towel off the rack and wrapped it around her lithe body and then wrapped another towel from the rack around her hair. It had been five years since she heard Janelle in her mind speaking words of warning to her. What would have made this start all over again. Damn damn damn double damn not only was she trying to keep a low profile and get out of dodge now she had to contend with Janelle. Grrrr. Nothing was safe for her. " Sam don't you think your being a bit over dramatic about this. I have always looked out and guided you before?" " I don't want your damn guidance I just want to be left alone!" " I'm sorry but it doesn't seem that your doing to hot without me there Sammy girl. Is that what you calling yourself these days. " " Shut up Janelle, I mean it I need a break from you and I need to think." In a lazy cat like voice Janelle said , " Go and rest my dear I'll take it care of everything. Isn't that what you want someone to take care of everything? "No, No , Janelle I can't let you take control .. I promised myself that I would not let you back out ever again." What was going on why is Janelle back. I thought I had warded enough against it. I knew the meds weren't what was trapping her but what is going on. I should have never made the packed, never no matter what help I needed at the time. I have done nothing but pay for it since then. Taking a cleansing breath Sam locked down her thoughts so that Janelle couldn't hear them and she started to get ready walking to the suitcase in the hotel and taking out her cream suit to go with her new cream dress shoes. She had come to far since the accident to let Janelle come back and ruin the new surroundings. Ok so this is all I have on this story so far and I'm pretty much here for some critism that is constructive. I'm also debating at this point where to go with this short. LOL!! So what do you think? Where can I improve?
2 people like this
5 responses
@mummymo (23706)
1 May 08
Ooh er Missus - there are so many options and my mind has flown through quite a few already! Fantastic start for a thriller or crime story! Maybe she had money troubles and accepted help from a 'friend' who wants her to repay them time after time by getting involved in illegal blackmail or she works for the police and warns them of any trouble and hides evidence etc! Good grief I have a lot of other ideas but if that one sounds silly the others sound ludicrous! Well done sweety - I wish I had your talent! xxx
2 people like this
• United States
1 May 08
It can be a blessing and a curse trust me. LOL!! I love to start the stories but takes me forever to finish them ... LOL!!!
2 people like this
@mummymo (23706)
1 May 08
LOL Maybe you should team up with another writer and you could do the early part of the book and they could finish it! lol xxx
2 people like this
• United States
2 May 08
that is a good idea. I'll have to talk to one of my friends about it. ... LOL!!!
2 people like this
• United States
1 May 08
That's a good start. It keep me interested the whole time. I have a thing for detail when I'm writing. I think it is necessary to make sure you create the atmosphere as clear as possible. The reader has to step into the character's shoes in order to understand where they are coming from.
2 people like this
• United States
4 May 08
Thank you I do try and let you see from their eyes when the story starts out at times. Thanks for your response and have a nice one.
1 person likes this
• United States
1 May 08
The impression I got was that Sam is skitzo. Time to get back on the meds. But as far as criticism all I have deals with your lack of punctuation so I will keep it to myself. Great start to what I am sure is going to be another great story!
2 people like this
• United States
1 May 08
You know me well enough by now that punctuation is not my strong point. LOL!!!
1 person likes this
@Hatley (163772)
• Garden Grove, California
6 May 08
Bella this could really be a great short story. can I suggest that in several places you might be overdoing the ing words like taking a cleansing breath could be Sam took a cleansing breath and then go on from there. too many ing words put this in an inactive mode rather than an active mode or so my creative writing teacher has told us. but i do like your writing and think it could really be a great story. do finish it and let us all cheer you when you get published lol. I am not published although i have a number of short stories I wrote and one novel. it got so expensive to send stuff out I just sort of gave up and so many rejections just knocks your self confidence allto hell.
• United States
6 May 08
Keep writing hun Rejection is something that gets us all down but it can also make us mroe determined and I hope that you actually got back to it and get more determined.. Try posting some here and see what kind of response you get. Thanks hun and have a nice one.
• Canada
1 May 08
I don't know that you could improve on it! You had my attention right from the start and I am disappointed that I cannot read the ending or even the middle! You have allowed us to know some about the character, Sam and also Janelle. They have a history and seem to be 2 in one. You kept me asking questions like where is she, why is she starting over, why is she dressing up and where is she going. How did she keep Janelle out of her head for 5 yrs, meds only? Has Sam been hiding from Janelle by starting over? All of these questions, give us more! LOL!!
2 people like this
• United States
4 May 08
All will be revealed when I start working on this one a bit more. LOL!!! Give me time. I have a week coming up that I'm going to be devoting some time to my stories that I have to finish or move further into .. Unfortunately I have decided to make this a novel and will not post a whole novel on line bits and pieces of it and I will let everyone know if I do get it published. LOL!!! Have a nice one.
1 person likes this