can you be friends with your EX who treated you so bad?

@mkchaves (532)
Canada
May 1, 2008 11:56am CST
i have this belief that when lovers broke up, you wont/cant be friends anymore. me and my bestfriend would argue about it because she wanted to be friends with her EX and i told her that she cant be friends with her EX after all the things he have done to her, how could she be friends with him?... he really did a lot of bad things to her..im just being protective. i dont want her to be crying again and get hurt again. so... can you be friends with an EX who treated you soo bad? im thinking that maybe her reasons to be friends with him is that, she still hopes for the reltionship to go on.. grrrrr!!! i hope not, i hope that she would move on. she deserves better.. but she never listens.. love can be so compliated.. gggrrr
15 people like this
66 responses
@sid556 (30987)
• United States
2 May 08
I had to make peace with my ex husband who treated me very badly because he was also the father of my children. It was very difficult to reach a point where my anger and hurt had subsided enough that I could even stand being around him. Do I consider him a "friend" ? No...none of my friends would treat me as this man did. Can I be on friendly terms with him? Yes...that I can and do do. I actually am friends with most of my exes but then again most of them didn't treat me really bad. If there are no children involved, then I can't imagine why she'd want to be friends with someone who was mean to her.
1 person likes this
@mkchaves (532)
• Canada
3 May 08
she really is in love with him. i always asks her if "is love enough?" for you to loose you self respect. i always tell her that she deserves better and she deserves to be happy.. and with him, its just pain and tears. but she tells me that, she is ready to just take all the pain than losing him. calling her a martyr! gggrrr
@julyteen (13256)
• Davao, Philippines
7 May 08
that would be my attitude even we no longer have relations but our friendship will continue but some girls don't want maybe because of their ego. most of my ex are my friends until now except the one that we broke up lately because of jealous. she never text me anymore after she texted that she want to restore our relationship and i refused her offer because i have now priority in life my business.
1 person likes this
@_Honey_ (781)
• Philippines
4 May 08
mkchaves, I wonder, how long has it been since their broke up? Days, weeks, months, years?? How bad was she treated way back then? Was he caught butt-naked with a woman. Was he flirting? Or was he using your bestfriend to to have money instead of making his own? I can't say that I am in good terms with my ex's. It's because, after the break up, I changed my numbers so as not to start a communication that may trigger what can be triggered and remind me the pain of how it went on. I believe though that time heals all wounds. I think you're bestfriend is still in love with her ex. You might want to tell her if she's really after the friendship or just groping for a second chance. If she's after friendship, tell her that it doesn't seem to be right time to start anew as friends. It takes a long time. but if she just wants them to get together again, then let her go for it.
1 person likes this
@jesbellaine (4140)
• Philippines
1 May 08
I think I cannot be friends with an EX who treated me badly not because I might fall for him again or so but because the respect and trust have long way gone. I prefer "casual" with him when I see him. cheers!
@mkchaves (532)
• Canada
1 May 08
i told my friend that, that they could be civil with each other and just go on with their lives. but she is soooo hard headed!!!! ehehe.. she was treated sooo bad. to the point that my friend tried to get drunk and do crazy things.. im trying to be there for her, but sometimes, i just want to leave her because she just doesnt listen!! thanks for the reply
• India
1 May 08
Sure. There are friends and there are friends. If he is an ex, he is because I did find something I liked a lot in him, and I didn't like him enough to continue sharing my life with him as a partner. That doesn't mean that the good things in him disappear. I believe that it would be a reflection on my own abilities to relate with people if I can blow so hot and cold that I can't see between extremes. No one's perfect, and no one is so bad that they are absolutely evil. As long as he can respect my space in the current state of the relationship, I'm fine.
• Philippines
1 May 08
Is she still in love with her ex? I mean, she gets drunk or did crazy things just to get intouch with her then it means that she is really not after the friendship thingy... For me, I would lay low for few weeks or months so that I would clear my mind out.. You can advise her to give her ex a space or so...
@wendilyn (60)
• Philippines
2 May 08
Well,, hahah i dont either make friends anymore to a friend who betrayed me, how much more to to a guy who treated you soo bad.. godamn it! ha.. what says in a boy song( boys are cheats and liars, theyr sucha big disgrace, the only thing a guy wants from you is a place to put his cockroach and beetles) have you ever heard of that? i think thats what a kind of guy that you mean.. why dont we girls look for another who is going to truly love us and treat us like a princes? ang mga babae sinasamba hindi bianbastos? anybody can translate that in english? heheh
@mkchaves (532)
• Canada
3 May 08
oh well.. girls should be treated like diamonds. so precious and kept with security. hahay... pag-ibig nga naman.. kakaloka!
• Philippines
3 May 08
ooh friens yeas! thanks for the translation,, i just got trouble on my english,, heheh yes,,we girls should be treaten like a precious diamonds or a crystal that is taken care so that it wont be broken,, but mostly guys only want to broke the most precious thing in our life,, hehehe
@faith210 (11232)
• Philippines
2 May 08
Hi mkchaves! I don't think I could be friends to an ex who has treated me so badly ion the past. I could forgive him but I wouldn't want to give him another chance to treat me that way again. I do know that I could be civil to him but I can't and won't be a friend to someone who has hurt me badly. I do however, agree with your instinct that your friend might be hoping that she could rekindle the old flame which I hope she won't. She should move on and realize that there are other fishes in the ocean. Just my thoughts dear. Take care and have a nice day!
@mkchaves (532)
• Canada
3 May 08
yes, its good to forgive when you're really ready to give that and when it really healed you. well, my friend is just ssooo.. stubborn. hehe.. God Bless her! time will heal her. and when that time comes, i will still be here to listen to her. :) Thanks for the Reply!
1 person likes this
@faith210 (11232)
• Philippines
4 May 08
She is very lucky to have you as her friend! God bless you dear! Take care.
@Rozie37 (15499)
• Turkmenistan
2 May 08
Yes you can be friends with an ex who treated you badly. As long as they are no longer treating you that way. You can forgive and forget. It helps if they apologize. But it takes great maturity.
@mkchaves (532)
• Canada
3 May 08
uhm from what i know, he havent apologized to her YET. but they talked already with what happened and the GUY explained to her why this and that, but he NEVER said sorry why he did those things. hmmm.. high pride i guess.. the guy ended their relationship by the way... and offered friendship. the girl accepted, but i guess her reasons were because she still wants him back. she still cries over him because she know that the guy have moved on. thats why i told her she cant be friends with him NOW, not this time yet. but when the time comes that she is really healed... thats the perfect time that they could be friends again. so sad for her. :(
1 person likes this
@Rozie37 (15499)
• Turkmenistan
3 May 08
You are right. If she is still crying over him, she needs to put more distance between them.
@underdogtoo (9589)
• Philippines
2 May 08
Life is complicated, you're absolutely right. And love is even more complicated. People are complicated they they often do things which we disagree with and there is little if anything that we can do to dissuade them. Cheers!!
@mkchaves (532)
• Canada
3 May 08
enough na unta ang complexities of LIFE, dungagan pa jud sa LOVE. tsk tsk... :(
@gkthegr8 (163)
• India
2 May 08
I've got no ego and I'll be friends with anyone who betrayed me.. I love making friends and I'll do this on humanitarian basis..
@mkchaves (532)
• Canada
3 May 08
its a case to case basis i guess.. depends on why they broke up.. but for her case, she cant be friends with him as of this moment. because she needed to give herself some time off from the pain and tears he have caused her.
@anex08 (868)
• Philippines
2 May 08
No you can't unless you have hidden feelings afterall. Friendship established with trust, confident enough that you have it so you could have good friends. But with the case of your friend, I think it's not possible, I still believe she has a feeling for her ex.
@mkchaves (532)
• Canada
3 May 08
i did found out on my own that she have hidden agenda with why she wanted to be friends after all the things he did to her. she just wont let go. so sad .. she is more than that and i hope she would realize that soon..
• Philippines
2 May 08
i think it's really hard to be friends with your ex after you broke up with him. some say that it depends on how and why the two of you broke up but i think it would be really really hard especially if he really did something bad to you. When me and my ex broke up, we talked and decided to be just friends...at first we we're okay. we are still sending text messages to each other and talk about how each of us is doing but after sometime i decided to just ignore him cause i am having a hard time moving on and letting go. so i think it's much better that we go seperate ways.
@mkchaves (532)
• Canada
3 May 08
yes. thats what i told my friend. she would really have a hard time moving on if she constantly text, call or meet up with the guy. she even know whats been happening with the EX love life and after they would talk, she would end up in tears.. :( ggrrr
@popocan (222)
• Hong Kong
2 May 08
I agree with you, your friend shouldn't stay friends with her ex, but love is blind. I guess your friend still has feeling for him. You've done you part as a friend, giving her the truthful advice. There's nothing you can do if she doesn't listen.
@mkchaves (532)
• Canada
3 May 08
yeah.. oh well.. i'll always by her side even if she doesnt listens.. :) Thank you for the reply!! :)
@best_jr73 (258)
• Philippines
2 May 08
Hi there and Good day. I have noticed that you are from CDO. All I can say from my very own experience, I am a guy and I had 2 girlfriends already. The first one did not work out but I am happy that despite the fact that we broke up, we are still friends and she is already in the U.S right now and she is happy with her new man and I am also happy for her. For me, I am also happy because I think I have already met the love of my life. It seems that when there are break ups because somebody treats someone so bad, all I can say is that it depends for them and I know they are mature enough to think for themselves but I am glad that you are still there for your friend because you never leaved her behind during her hardest days of her life. I have also experienced something like that. Goodluck with your love lifes... ^_^ and enjoy life!
@mkchaves (532)
• Canada
3 May 08
thank you for your reply! :) im happy for you that you have finally found the "one" .. good luck!! yes, im from CDO! hehe
• United States
2 May 08
If an ex treated me bad, then I couldn't be friends with him. I would rather not have anything to do with him at all. You are probably right about your friend, though. And love can be very blind and complicated. All you can do is be there for her and try to remind her why they are no longer together. Hope it all works out!
@mkchaves (532)
• Canada
3 May 08
i hope it all works out for the better.. i pray that she comes into her senses.. :) thanks for the reply.
@nengs10 (3183)
• Philippines
2 May 08
I believe that time heals the wounds and heartaches of the past. It will some time finally recover from a dreadful relationship. If the right time comes, it would be very nice to be friends again to settle everything and move on.
@mkchaves (532)
• Canada
3 May 08
yes. i agree with you.. she should just give her self some time and find her self before she could be friends with him if thats what she really wants..
• United States
2 May 08
You really should make sure you move on before talking to ur ex again.. ive been going out with a guy for over a year and he dumped me a month ago, because we were both hurting each other, 3 days after the break we were flirting (its also cause we're in teh same class) and even though i thought i wasnt in love with him anymore and was ready to moved i was still hoping a little for us to go bak together. now during this past month most of my friends were told me that they did not want to see me crying again and that he was treating me like a toy.. and then i changed and we're now going out but when it comes t this situation the girl should give herself time to move on, before she talks to him again...and if she does talk to him their discussion should avoid their past at least untli she's moved on.. i would recommend 2 week or a month... cause even if she thinks she's ready there might be smthing she's trying to hold on to, i was honestly really glad that my friends were there for me to yell at or slap me when i was hoping or just humiliating myself so she really should ignore him for a whle, until shes completly moved on to make sure she doesnt depend on him... a friend told me ssmthing that really helped " you first gotta be happy with yourself to be with someone else" if you're happy you'll know you dont need anyone and moving on will be easier .. however even though it didnt work out as a couple it could work as close friends, cause afterall they shared passions, memories and great moments together.
@mkchaves (532)
• Canada
3 May 08
its has been like 4 months after their break up and still she cries over him. i dont know.. it takes time to heal.. she would initiate the conversation with him like calling him etc etc. i dont know.. she is the martyr type kind of girlfriend and it pisses me off because she is more than that...
• United States
2 May 08
I am still friends w/ my ex. I still think he can be really hurtful at times w/ things he says but he says he is only kidding but that's just him and he'll never change. He has always been there no matter what when I needed him I guess that's what counts and when he needed me I was there for him. I find that when he is nice at times and not hurful that he is a better friend. I guess it really depends on the situation.
@mkchaves (532)
• Canada
2 May 08
yes.. i think it depends upon the situation.. im happy for you and your ex that you have overcome your differences.. :) Thank you for the reply.
• India
2 May 08
No I don't think it can be happen in all life's ... How can we friend, when he/she treated me so badly ? It can be happen .... Its all depend upon the persons.... I can be friend of my ex , if she will come in some other mood and thought .... thanks !!!
@mkchaves (532)
• Canada
2 May 08
thanks for your reply!! yes, i think it depends with the person.. its really your own decision to be friends or not to be friends with an EX
• United States
2 May 08
you can be if the party who did wrong actually changes thier ways.and if the person hurt forgave.but i wouldnt suggest allowing feelings to cloud the friendship like the whole i used to love or the years we shared instead i would look at it like any other friend i enjoy thier ideas or we have alot in common.but not to be put in a position to do bad for this person or go out of my way for this person like i would be more inclined to do in a relationship
@mkchaves (532)
• Canada
2 May 08
yes.. she could do that.. but not right now.. right? she is still in process of healing.. i mean she is not even there yet. so... maybe soon they could be friends again if she really wants to be friends with him.. thanks for the reply.
@mbs730 (2151)
• Canada
2 May 08
It depends on the situation. I am not really a forgiving person so I would probably say no. But again it depends on what he did to me. If he cheated on me and was genuinely remorseful, I could possibly be friends (more like civil) with him but I wouldn't trust him enough to go back to him. But if we are talking about real abuse, then I would say no!
@mkchaves (532)
• Canada
2 May 08
though she was not hurt physically, cause if she was i would be the one to call the police and report the abuse. :) thanks for the reply.