I'm screaming on the inside!

United States
May 2, 2008 9:20pm CST
So I don't even really care if this never gets a response... I just need to put it down and get it out of me. I feel like I'm slowly killing myself. Loving the one that doesn't love me. Living for yesterday instead of today. Praying that one day it'll all pan out. Pretending that I'm okay with who I am and who I have become. Biting my tongue when I see someone I love make a stupid mistake. Ignoring what my head says because my heart wants something else. Telling everyone that I know what I'm doing, when truly I don't have a damn clue. Going to sleep at night hoping that I'll live the rest of my life in a dream. I won't lie... Some days I wish I were a missing person. Sometimes I wish I was just gone. Not necessarily kidnapped or killed or in harms way.... Just gone. I wish it was that simple. That I could disappear and figure everything out and then come back and everything be right. I know that would only be a fairytale, but damn it all... Can't it just once happen to me!? To you who can't and won't ever read this~You#1: CAN'T YOU SEE I'M ABSOLUTELY IN LOVE WITH YOU! SERIOUSLY!! Are you blind? Def? And dumb? For god's flippin' sake, I'd give just about anything to be your everything!!! OH! And by the way, what my friends say ISN'T MY FAULT SO STOP GETTING PISSED AT ME!!! I can't control their thoughts! And as for not talking to them about "you and me"-- for one, there isn't even a "you and me"; for two-- THAT'S WHAT FRIENDS ARE FOR!!; and for three-- You talk to her too, and yea that's right, SHE TELLS ME! So get over it! You#2: You don't love him. You just don't want to be alone, and you don't want to be your mother. So really... Think about it. MORE THAN ONCE YOU'VE THOUGHT ABOUT LEAVING HIM! AND!! You constantly make comments like "I don't think we'll be together for more than 2 years..." Well honey, that's six months away so you might just wanna leave your stuff packed and prepare to find a place to live. And really, get your head out of your [edited]...grow up... and stop thinking of stupid things you want to do just so you aren't "weaker" than he is. More often than not, I just want to throw up on you when you talk about him! You#3: Look I know we've been through a lot... But I won't lie, a lot of the time I really think you're f'ing stupid. Oh and I think you're a bit too much of a [edited]! CLOSE YOUR LEGS!! No one's going to buy the cow if you're giving the milk away free! And I know you think you're doing good by putting your nose in my business with him, but all you're doing is ripping him completely from my life... IT BLOWS SO PLEASE STOP!Dear Self~ No matter if you believe it or not... At some point, all the crap will dissipate. Keep breathing, remember your pressure points, and do everything you can to not lose all sanity!
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