He is not respecting me at all!!

@cream97 (29152)
United States
May 3, 2008 9:17am CST
My father-in-law really gets on my nerves. When he comes to my house, he will just make himself at home. Once he spent the night without even asking me. I am sure that he did not even ask his son. I really dislike when he does this. I guess he feels that, since it is his son, then it is okay for him to just spend the night at our house. Today, he took some tools out of his car, and he brought the tools into my house. They are now on the top of my cabinet, where my washing machine is at. I don't want it there. I get uncomfortable just knowing that there are sharp and huge tools above my head. In my house, I don't have tools sitting up on top of things. My husband has a closet, that he will put the tools in. I understand that my father-in-law needs somewhere to store his tools until he comes back from out of town. I just don't want them there. At my father-in-law's house, he would leave tools down, such as a saw... The kids could get a hold to it. My father-in-law has a bad habit of not putting things up where they belong. I have three small ones at home. There are certain actions that I as a mom takes to make sure that they are safe. I want my father-in-law to respect my house. I want him to ask me my permission when he wants to leave something in my house. I know that my husband is his son, and he is a man.. I feel that as a woman I need to be included in things, especially when it concerns him bringing something into my house. My father-in-law is considered to be deep country. He acts like he is in the old days. I want my home to be safe. He is not in his own home, he is in my home. He can't just do like he wants to do in someone else's home. It just dosen't work that way. He has to respect my home and ask ME before he does anything out of the ordinary. Plus my father-in-law has a tendency to leave things at other people's home, and not come back and get it. Right now he has his trailer sitting in my front yard. We are renting where we are staying. He won't come and take it and put it somewhere else. His car does not have a trailer hook on the back of it. Still he has to put it in another location, but he prefers to leave it sitting out in the front of the yard. I am sick of it!
6 people like this
19 responses
@faith210 (11232)
• Philippines
4 May 08
Hi cream97! I know how that must feel. It must be really difficult dealing with him. If I were in your shoes, I will ask hubby to intercede and talk to him about his behavior since his children's safety are also somehow at risk with all those tools. I hope and pray that this will be resolve soon in the best way. Just my thoughts. Take care and have a nice day!
@cream97 (29152)
• United States
4 May 08
Hmmp! My hubby thinks it is no big deal that the tools are on the cabinet. He says that he put it there and they are not going to fall. I still feel uncomfortable with the tools being up there. Men can be so stupid at times! If it makes me uncomfortable, shouldn't my feelings as his wife matter? My fil does not live with us. He and my mother-in-law lost their home due to foreclosure a year ago. Ever since then they have been living with relatives and their grandson's other grandma. Well, my husband said that he will put it in the closet with his other tools. I hope so, because that is where it will have to stay!
2 people like this
@sid556 (30987)
• United States
4 May 08
Even if they won't fall...I work too hard in an attempt to make my home look nice and comfortable. I would not want someone coming in cluttering up my place with tools.
1 person likes this
@cream97 (29152)
• United States
4 May 08
True, I believe that my fil knows this too. He does not have any self- respect. My sil told me how he messed up her house as well. He has sticky stuff all on her floor. It is crazy! My fil knows how clean I keep my house. He knows that if he comes to my house and it is clean, he knows that is how I will want it to stay. I hope he ain't that dumb! Just the thought of the tools being on the cabinet makes me jittery. Suppose the kids get a hold to it by climbing on something tall.... Or they can bounce up and down and it could fall. My husband claims that he has it so secure where it won't fall, but I am not convinced. I still feel unsure about this....
1 person likes this
@katsmeow1213 (28897)
• United States
3 May 08
Have you ever tried to tell your father in law how you feel? Does your husband know how you feel? My in laws do things that get on my nerves on a daily basis, and I tell my husband, and he will talk to them. They don't always listen, but it has gotten to the point where I won't allow his parents to come over anymore because they don't respect me. The last time they were invited over was Christmas. I think you need to just set up some ground rules, and voice your opinion, whether you are asked to or not. Like you said, you need to watch out for your own children, so you need to stand up to your father in law so he stops doing this that are not safe for your children.
1 person likes this
@cream97 (29152)
• United States
3 May 08
Yes it needs to be done. Before my husband left out, I asked him about the tools being on the cabinet. He said that they were going to be picked up when they get back from Columbia. I hope so, my fil is not leaving his dangerous tools in my house under no conditions! Not unless they are put up in the proper place. My fil forgets that I have a say so in this house as well. When my husband leaves, I am in charge. And that means I am still in charge even when my husband is home. What it is, he, he is so used to his wife. She has no say so in things. Well it is different over here.
1 person likes this
@crazylady (470)
• United States
4 May 08
I know how you feel- even tho my FIL doesn't do those things, he comes to my house, plops down in my computer chair and stays there the whole time they are here- as if to keep me off the computer. I think its really rude and selfish. MY MIL and FIL just show up and never ask if its a good time, and I hate it.
@cream97 (29152)
• United States
5 May 08
That is mean. Hurry up and lock them out if they have a key. No key? Then act as if you are not home when they knock at your door. If you have a car, find a way to get rid of this too......
• United States
5 May 08
I know! I am just not balsy enough to actually do it tho. I could tell you some real stories about my Il's. I only tolerate them (mostly MIL is the evil one) because I know they are hubby's parents, but it scares me that he thinks her behavior is normal and ok.
@cream97 (29152)
• United States
5 May 08
Same here! I have enough issues about my evil mil that I could write a book on. You don't even want to know my horrible story with her!
@moondancer (7433)
• United States
3 May 08
To save your sanity, first say something to your husband. Let him know of your concerns. Ask him if he would like to say something to his dad or if it's ok if you do. Then gather all of his tools and tell him that he left them all there and he needs to take them with them with him when he leaves. Also that before your landlord says anything about the travel trailer in the yard that he needs to move it to another location. That you would appreciate it. And then on the nightly stay overs maybe you could a approach that a different way. Giving him an invitation to dinner and a stay over. And telling him that you might have a friend over on other nights or might be going some place or that you would appreciate if he would let you know when he would like to stay over and letting you have the option of declining for whatever reason you see fit. Make sure to let him know that he is loved and you do want him around but on your terms. That you are grown and want privacy. You just need to sit down and have a family talk. But talk to your husband and let him know how you feel. This has no reason to be upsetting you so. And you need to take care of it before your nerves get out of control.
@cream97 (29152)
• United States
3 May 08
I admit. It needs to be handled. My fil should know better than that. He has common sense to know that he can't just come into my home and make himself uncomfortable. He has no respect for me when it comes to things of this nature.
• United States
3 May 08
yes, he knows better. But he will do what you will let him get away with. Like a child. And if you don't do something about it he may get worse. Give an inch and he may take a mile. You need to make you stand.
• United States
3 May 08
In fact let him know that you respect him and that you need him to show you respect.
• United States
4 May 08
If I was in your place I would tell my husband how I felt and make him deal with it. After all you are the daughter-in-law you shouldn't have to be the rude one. Your husband should stick up for you and deal with his own father and lay out the rules.
@sid556 (30987)
• United States
4 May 08
Yes...at least your husband should have respect for your feelings.
@cream97 (29152)
• United States
4 May 08
Yes he should have respect for my feelings, and he will! I am not putting up with his father. Since they lost their home, they have made people feel so sorry for them. Well I can't. I have a life of my own. It is time that he became responsible for his own actions... I have things to do. I can't just be keeping his things in my house or at my house! He needs to find somewhere for these things to go too.
• United States
8 May 08
Been there done that. My father in law pulled the same kind of thing on me. His wife got sick of his hording and made him get his junk out of their yard or she was going to leave him. Where did he go with it? Yep, you guessed it.. to my house. I have acreage and he figured it would be okay if he stored a few things here. He and my husband had it all figured out I just happened to overhear them making their plans. I stepped in and told them you can store a few things but you absolutely cannot store anything dangerous because I had a three year old at the time. I told them to fence off a section of the yard with a wood panel fencing so my son couldn't get into anything and I wouldn't have to look at it. They agreed. Well the stuff started arriving by the truck loads, the fence never got past the planning stages. Finally one day I over heard my father in law telling my son to get up by the house that he had no business messing around down by the stuff. He said the stuff had been left alone for years in the place he stored it before and he expected it to be left alone here. That was the day that I stopped letting that man treat me and mine like cr*p. I told him to take his goodies back to that place that didn't have any little kids around who would touch them or look at them. He had obviously forgotten whose yard we were in. The yard belonged to the three year old. That was the last time he disrespected me in my own home in fact that was the last time he disrespected me at all. He didn't like me much after that but he never treated me like a doormat either. That'll work!!!!
@cream97 (29152)
• United States
8 May 08
Yes, that will do it!
@fifileigh (3619)
• United States
5 May 08
he is old. when people get old, they tend to act childish to get attention from their kids. ask his son to talk to him. if his trailer is in ur front yard, why doesnt he live in the trailer and put his stuff in it?
@cream97 (29152)
• United States
5 May 08
He can't live in this trailer. It is only made for loading material, lumber, containers, anything that deals with work related issues. As far as living is concerned, he was supposed to be in a trailer a year ago. He still has not moved yet. He is staying with his daughter.
@midautumn (219)
• China
4 May 08
I think your father in law just have no sense about it. you should do something to let him known what gets on your nerves. he have developed his bad habit for many year.it's really hard for him to change it.so you should first find the places for him,and then arrange everything well. gradually he will get used to it.
@cream97 (29152)
• United States
4 May 08
Yes getting him to break out of his bad habit will be hard for him to do. He is so accustomed in doing what he does. We all think he will never change. Once I thought so not, but know I am beginning to think differently...
@Hatley (164180)
• Garden Grove, California
4 May 08
cream you are the lady of the house so he has to respect you or else there must be a family talk to make things perfectly clear. first talk to your hubby then let him talk to his dad. if that does not stop the disrespect then you must have a confrontation with dear dad in law.you have your children's safety to worry about and he has has to abide by your wishes. Also confrontthe trailer issue' before your landlord gets grumpy about it. He has to have your permission to put something that large on rental property maybe tellhim your landlord is not happty about the trailer being there. Tell him this is 2008 not 1908 and he needs to moderize a bit.
@cream97 (29152)
• United States
4 May 08
Yes I think that my fil is still living in the old days. He just left his tractor trailer in the yard. He has never came to pick it up. And my husband is not going to make him come get it either. It will stay there, whether I like it or not. Also, I think the reason why my fil is doing this is because our landlord is a nice person and all. He has done some carpentry work for her. I believe in this same place that we are staying in now. I guess he feels that since she is nice and all, she won't have a problem with the trailer being there in the yard. He never bothers to put it somewhere other than at my house.
1 person likes this
@bubuth (1816)
• Philippines
10 Feb 12
Tell to you husband about it and try to talk to your father in law..Actually i can also relate in what you feel. I will tell mine, me and my husband is not having our own house,we are living in my parent's house,and when my father in law visit my husband just to ask for some money,he always act like his in his own house. He open the television without asking me or my husband,he take a nap in the sofa even he is full of dirt because he came from somewhere,i think my father in law not respecting my parents because he do all the thing he want to do even the owner(my parents) of the house is there. He act like uncivilized people,i just keep on try to respect him because he is still the father of my husband.
@jaclyng (19)
• United States
6 May 08
I think rather then you talking to him (cause I would guess you've already done that a number of times) DH needs to talk to him. He needs to very sternly explain to him that he backs you up 100 percent and doesn't appreciate him disrespecting you and that if it continues he won't be welcome in your home. You and you DH need to be on the same page with this and back each other up totally. I have found with in-laws it's always give an inch, take a mile. So whatever you do, don't back down. And tell him if he doesn't move the dang trailer, you'll have it towed!
• United States
4 May 08
Mine is very disrespectful as well. He lives in Ohio and comes down to visit quite often- every single holiday and birthday for any of us. This means we can not plan any of these occasions to do something that WE would like to do, like maybe travel out of state or have a just-us (my husband, son(1yr old) and I) occasion. When he comes down, he stays with us, doesn't ask if it's ok or not. He totally messes the whole place up, ruined my son's routine that we worked really hard to get him on, and places nasty stuff in my fridge. He also thinks that my husband needs clothing, and he doesn't- he has more clothes than anyone I know!!! It's not even nice, or clothing that he'll use- it's dressy stuff that he already has TONS of (and no occasions to go to) and has NICE dressy clothes that he himself bought, not the dollar store stuff my FIL buys, hate to sound mean :/. I feel bad for my husband because father's day isn't about him even though we had our son who's a year now. It's all about my FIL, he doesn't even credit my husband as a father :(.
@sid556 (30987)
• United States
4 May 08
wow...I don't blame you a bit. This is really a job for your husband to deal with. The man should ask you where he could leave his tools and things. He should also be asking if it is ok for him to spend the nite. Even if I didn't have little ones about, I would not like the intrusion or the disrespect. I don't know how you hold your tongue. As for the trailer....I don't know how your landlord is but mine is very very picky. I have a biker friend that on the first time visiting me, parked his harley on my front lawn because he did not want to leave it out in the parking lot out of his sight....within 20 mins, I had a knock on my door to have it moved. How does your husband feel? He should be the one to say something to his father out of respect for you. My mom used to just drop by and walk into our house unannounced. Once we were in bed and heard noises in our kitchen. I got up to find her going thru my cupboards. She was cooking a turkey and need poultry seasoning and did not want to disturb me. It bothered me that she did these things but I was so used to her. When my husband began complaining, I did says something to her. It was his home too.
@jhartana (1085)
• Australia
4 May 08
It's definitely better for you to talk to your husband since he's your father's in law son. Your husband is the only person who knew his father character. Your father in law definitely not a well mannered person so you will need to be more patience on him. Remember although you don't feel like it but you got still to show some respect to him as he's older than you. I know it's a pain for you to bear but you talk to your husband first so your husband can understand your feeling. Hope it would work for you.
@jesbellaine (4140)
• Philippines
3 May 08
If you can't tell your father-in-law directly, maybe you need to talk to your husband regarding about this so he can talk to his dad. Maybe your father in law was not really aware that you are really getting irritated... you know.. my grandfather used to just walk into our house then look for the things he needed without asking permission, my father told him that and he understood. Goodluck.
@nilanym (184)
• Philippines
3 May 08
Hmmm. Your father in law doesn't have a good habit at all. If you could talk it over to your husband on how you feel about his father.. Maybe that would lessen your frustrations. :)
@chrissieatu (1033)
• China
3 May 08
Hey cream. I am still not sure whether you have talk to your hubby or you fil after reading the responses. I agree with other that you first need to talk with your husband about this problem, asking him to talk with his dad. If your husband does not mind, maybe you can try yourself. It's important to let your fil know that you do not like it instead of just taking it in yourself. In this way, problem will always be there without solving. I am sure you are a good mum and good wife. It seems that you have a lot to take care. Maybe that's part of the reason why you are so angry with all those tings you fil did. Do not be that angry. It does no good to you. I hope after letting out all those here on mylot can make you feel better. Be joyful.
@itsmepinky (1301)
• India
3 May 08
Cream , i feel its high time u told your husband about it and the way you dislike things your FIL is doing to you and your kids. Maybe you should tell youe FIL too in a polite way. Also warn your kids of the danger. I think its only a matter of some days, i feel he will leave soon. ~Pinks~
@barehugs (8984)
• Canada
3 May 08
I can understand your problem! Your father-in-Law should respect you, and its obvious he does not! My Advise is- Its time you sat down with him and explained your side of the Story. As the saying goes," There are 2 sides to every story!" Pick a time when you and him can be alone and not be disturbed. Explain exactly how you feel, and then tell him why you feel like you do. You are good at putting your thoughts on Paper. Make a list of all the things that are bothering you and give it to him. Do not get excited or raise your voice, be calm and collected, and Just state the Facts. I'm sure that your Husbands Father will understand and not take you foregranted any longer!