Spouse's best friend

@SViswan (12071)
India
May 10, 2008 4:03pm CST
Would you mind if your spouse's best friend was someone of the opposite gender? I know some of you consider your spouses as your best friends....but besides you, does your spouse have a best friend? I just had a friend tell me that his wife was upset because his best friend happened to be a girl he grew up with. That got me thinking...and I figured if my husband's best friend happened to be a woman and I knew about it...maybe I'd be fine with it (but I can't really say....I don't think I might like them discussing me unless I was in good terms with the woman). So, what's your opinion?
9 people like this
30 responses
@wayz12 (2059)
• United States
10 May 08
For a long time, my husband's best friend was his ex-wife. They were married for over seventeen years and practically grew up together. To be honest, I didn't mind the friendship the least, and I considered her a friend. The divorce was amicable because of certain irreconciliable differences, but they remain in contact for some time. Lately, after a few strong disagreements between, they decided to totally cut off communication. I'm actually bothered by that. I would not want to lose a long time friendship like that. Maybe I'm just not the jealous type. All my friends think I'm crazy to tolerate such, but I don't see their point. So for me, I have no issue with it..but then, that is me..
@wayz12 (2059)
• United States
10 May 08
I forgot to add, my own best friend is a guy and I expect hubby to give me the same trust. So I guess it works for both of us...
1 person likes this
@SViswan (12071)
• India
12 May 08
I guess it's fine if you and your partner are okay with it. It involves a lot of trust...and I'm glad both of you have found it in each other.
@SomeCowgirl (32255)
• United States
10 May 08
It's true, women do like to talk... and I know I wouldn't like it if my Fiance's best friend was a girl. Luckily, he is not. He's actual a cousin of some relation to me, so I don't mind them being friends at all.... I would be completely jealous of he was a girl though, and I know i'd be worried about what might be said.
3 people like this
@SViswan (12071)
• India
10 May 08
I think that would be the common reaction though I have a friend whose wife's best friend is a male. He's okay with it as long as she's happy and he says he's confident in their relationship (husband-wife) and so it doesn't matter. I guess it's not for everyone.
2 people like this
@SomeCowgirl (32255)
• United States
10 May 08
It's really uncommon for a man to be okay with a woman having a male for a best friend. It's good that he's fine with it and it just makes their relationship that much stronger. It isn't for everyone, and I think that a majority of people would agree. The fact that women like to worry more then it seems men do, and men are likely more jealous... I don't know it's just a hard thing to think of, people being okay with an opposite gender best friend.
2 people like this
• United States
10 May 08
WEll , I understand that people in most of this society would frown on it. But as a woman that has mostly guy friends and is married i can actually speak from experiance. It can cause alot of drama between a spouse and even roomates and friends. Sometimes I get accused of cheating becuase i had to many to drink and got mad and went to a near by friends house and pass out. If it was at a girls house it be fine. Basically alot of it has to do with trust. Do you trust that your husband wont cheat on you? Would he turn and look the other way? Would he be able to set healthy boundires and maintain a friendship no matter what? To me if you dont have trust you dont have a relationship. Everyone needs a best friend And in my opinion the best friend is ushually someone of the oppisite gender and can actually help a relationship out, seeing the others gender's point of view!
@SViswan (12071)
• India
12 May 08
I can totally understand what you are saying and even though my best friend is not someone of the opposite gender, I have married friends who do. But sometimes, even when the spouse is fine with the fact that their partner has a best friend of the opposite gender, things can get bad later on. But again, it depends on the person. "the best friend is ushually someone of the oppisite gender and can actually help a relationship out, seeing the others gender's point of view!" I liked this comment because it's right and maybe the partner can get another point of view but that can also lead to conflicts as to....'you need someone else to point out what I am trying to say'. Like I said, it depends on the people involved in the relationship.
@katsmeow1213 (28910)
• United States
10 May 08
I personally would be very uncomfortable with it. I am not a trusting person, as I've been with a cheater. He always had a lot of female friends, and very few male friends, and later I found out these female friends were actually girls he was cheating on me with. My husband, I've never been able to trus someone more, but I still worry sometimes. He doesn't have any female friends, he really has no male friends anymore either, except for the ones he works with. I wouldn't trust him having female friends. But that's just me.
3 people like this
@eagle_f15 (2052)
• Malaysia
11 May 08
Of course I would mind most defintely but I thank God my spouse does not have any other best friend other than me. All I can quote is this " I am my beloved and my beloved is mine"
@zweeb82 (5713)
• Malaysia
11 May 08
Hmmm, my woman definitely knows her man
@SViswan (12071)
• India
12 May 08
lol...I'm assuming you two are a couple:) I'm glad you two are best friends to each other.
• Philippines
14 May 08
he's not really my husband yet but my fiancee has his girl bestfriend. at first i was okay with it because as a matter of fact her bestfriend is a common friend of ours. but when i started to notice that when we were together with her bestfriend he puts too much attention on her rather than me. thats when i started to feel anxious about it. and besides, even before she even came i was his only bestfriend. we've been best of friends before he has been my boyfriend. i tried to deny the fact that i was jealous of her but i don't really feel well, seeing her from then on. i don't really know if i was just acting too much or exaggerating myself but that's just how i feel about it.
@SViswan (12071)
• India
19 May 08
That's what I meant. Most people are afraid of losing that attention to the other person. and it is a matter of concern.
@anonymili (3138)
13 May 08
I have a few close friends and of course I include my husband in that circle! He has only maybe 1 best friend who he would talk to about everything and he's known him for 20 years from back home in India and I can't compete with him, nor would I want to. When we have arguments, I can talk to my friends about it to let off steam but my husband doesn't discuss our marriage with his friend as he says it's a taboo subject between them to discuss their wives. I think that's a bit sad as I can talk to my friends and say stuff like "GRRRR, he really annoys me when he does this...." but he has no one that he feels close enough to that he can let off steam like that - when it comes to serious arguments, we sort it out between ourselves but at least I know I can talk to my girlfriends about his obsession with buying expensive designer clothes (I don't mind it but sometimes I want to whine about it lol). I think it's sad that he doesn't have someone close enough to let off steam about me from time to time! As for female friends, he doesn't have any apart from mutual female friends we have although he is very close to both of his sisters and can talk on the phone to them for hours. But I don't mind that :)
2 people like this
@SViswan (12071)
• India
19 May 08
I'm like your husband and don't like to take about marriage to anyone...even when we have problems. If your friends know you are only venting, then it's fine...especially if it's only little things that annoy you. But if it;s something deeper....you never know what might hit back at you later (that's how I feel...not necessarily the right thing to do....but I prefer it this way)
@Hatley (164226)
• Garden Grove, California
10 May 08
no absolutely no, as it takes just a bit more bestfriending between a man and a woman to be something that destroys a marriage.I was very uncomfortable with my husband and a so called best friend who was twenty years my junior and much prettier and so on than I was. also she was looking for more than just a friend. When I at last threatened to divorce him my husband began to realize that his school buddy' was indeed looking to break up our marriage] and hook my husband. She had no interest in being a friend at alland when she found out my husband did not have a lot of money she disappeared at once.
2 people like this
@SViswan (12071)
• India
12 May 08
It's very easy to cross that fine line between friendship and 'something more'. And like in your case, most of the time, that's what happens. My husband did have a friend who asked for his help when her marriage was breaking up. He did help her....but I could see where it was leading to...and that she wanted my husband (especially since my husband did confide in her when we had our arguments)....but my husband never realized it! But personally, I wouldn't mind if he had a best friend who is female....but I would be worried if he was meeting her alone or talking to her all the time.
@dpk262006 (56760)
• Delhi, India
13 May 08
SV, you are trying to be positive and trying to make you understand ........when you say that you would accept a woman as your husband's best friend..........LOL! (Please do not take it otherwise, I am just kidding..) I will have to check up with my spouse, whether she would agree to it that my best friend is a woman........LOL! I doubt if she would agree to it. I do not mind, if she says that she has a best friend who is a man, because I know it is not easy to make good friends and when you say that someone is your best friend, you would have done soemthing special to cultivate your relationship with that fellow and vice versa. As is our culture and social conventions, most of the wives may not agree that their husband's best friend is a woman.
1 person likes this
@SViswan (12071)
• India
13 May 08
Oh, there's a clause I didn't mention in the original post. If he has a female best friend....that I am not aware of or not included in...that will get me worried. Especially if he's confiding in her about our problems or silly fights, I definitely will not like it (I actually don't like it if he confides in a male either). You have hit the nail on the head...'best friend' is beyond a 'friend' and unless and until the couple are secure in their marital relationship, neither one will be willing to let the other have a person of the opposite gender as a best friend.
@dpk262006 (56760)
• Delhi, India
14 May 08
So, any clandestine relationship of your hubby with any of his best 'woman' friend, is not going to be appreciated by you........LOL! this is what I conclude from your comments. According to your comments, a married man's best friend cannot be a friend from an opposite gender, I also endorse your opinion. Because if it is so, there is possibility of marital discord and disbelief between a husband and a wife. It would be in the fitness of things if a husband's best friend is a man. If at all your hubby shares something about his married life with any of his friends, I think, there should not be any problem in that, what matters is his loyalty and inclination towards you should be strong. You also, may be inadvertently, tend to share some of the matters of your married life, with your woman friends, I suppose.........LOL!
@dpk262006 (56760)
• Delhi, India
19 May 08
I appreciate your thoughts that you do not confide in your women friends about your hubby's attitude, you ask their advice only. You say - "If one has good trust in a relationship and a strong foundation, I don't think a best friend of the opposite gender is a problem", you are using 'IF', 'if' can change many things, a friend from an opposite gender rings the alarm bells.....LOL! It would be better if you do not go for taking any kind of risk........LOL!
@mimpi1911 (25474)
• India
12 May 08
If she would be a 'best friend' in true sense of the term, if my husband would consider her very close and hang out together and if they have stuffs between them which I do not know (like office politics and all...), I would have taken it otherwise for sure. I know I am being mean and selfish but that's how I am. I think that would not bother my man if he loves me truly and knows how dedicated and truthful I am to the relationship. Thanks.
1 person likes this
@SViswan (12071)
• India
12 May 08
You mean you will be worried if he does have a 'best friend'? I think most woman would and that's not being mean. Most women expect this sort of time and attention from their husbands when they get married. They would want to be the ones their husbands confide in (even office politics). From the Indian context, it's definitely a no-no as far as the wives are concerned.
@mimpi1911 (25474)
• India
13 May 08
I shouldn't be judgmental about Indian thing for things have changed immensely since our mother's time but definitely it's subjective and I am an individual who would rather not want her husband to have a female best friend. Thanks.
@SViswan (12071)
• India
13 May 08
I understand. I just mentioned the 'Indian' mentality in general and didn't mean any offence. I, myself do not have traditional Indian viewpoints in many things. And besides culture, there are a lot of equations that need to be solved when a married person is best friends with a person from the opposite gender. Would the spouse be insecure when the husband/wife goes to the best friend with all their problems...even things that they need to celebrate? That kind of things which don't matter which culture one comes from. Like you said, it's an individual opinion and subjective.
@balasri (26549)
• India
11 May 08
That is a great discussion Sandhya to which many would like respond immediately as I do not mind. My wife has no boy friend.And I don't mind her friend being a man.All these years of married life will become totally meaningless if I mind it.
1 person likes this
@SViswan (12071)
• India
12 May 08
lol..Balaji...most of them said they would mind. It's not friends of the opposite gender...but best friends that I am talking about. If I am very content and happy in my married life, I wouldn't mind....but when we have an argument, I wouldn't like my husband confided in a woman....somehow talking to a man about it doesn't worry me....but a woman...I wouldn't like it.
1 person likes this
@balasri (26549)
• India
12 May 08
Confiding to a person needs closeness and true understanding which in the case of a man and woman spark into something.You may be right in being beware.
@SViswan (12071)
• India
14 Jun 08
That's exactly what I meant.
@kamran12 (5555)
• Pakistan
11 May 08
Hello SViswan, My wife has friends from opposite gender, mostly from her medical college and her parents' friends' children, and I don't mind it. I have even befriended some of them. I don't think any of them can be described as her best friend, though. She has a very few 'best' friends besides me but all of them are females, again mostly from her college. So, given that she already has friends from opposite gender with whom I don't have a problem, I like to believe that I'll be OK if any of them would become her best friend. I think my reason to think that way mainly has to do with the unwavering trust that I have in my partner. I can't believe or even think for a second that she even has the ability of cheating on me, given her love for me and the values she hold dear. She would never, that's what I know for sure about her. So, in this particular sense, it wouldn't be a bothersome thing to know.
1 person likes this
@SViswan (12071)
• India
12 May 08
Most of us have friends of the opposite gender and most spouses are fine by that. But best friend goes a little deeper. I'm glad you have the confidence in your wife (and I hope that's the same with your wife too) and wouldn't mind her best friend being a man. Not everyone can do it and some mistrust sometimes creeps in. I'm glad you are one of the few who can:)
1 person likes this
@kamran12 (5555)
• Pakistan
12 May 08
Yes, SViswan, best friend is something different than normal friends. It may still be a problem if I am not given due time because of it, but knowing her it's also not possible to happen. The mutual trust, however, is unshakable. She may leave me but will never ever cheat, it is more true for me than the fact that I am alive or that I am writing these words. We are already living separately for over an year now because of our studies, I am in France and she is in Pakistan, our homeland, and even if we live separate for no matter how many years, we are for each other and we both know it. I Wouldn't like to spend one extra day here, however, and the day I finish my studies, I'll be flying back!
@SViswan (12071)
• India
19 May 08
That's great and I hope you both are together soon:)
@msedge (4012)
• United States
15 Jul 08
I could surely say that i am my husband's best friend because we shared everything in life but aside from me he has his cousin that is close to him but a man.I don't think theres something wrong if he has a bestfriend thats a woman other than me but it depends the closeness they have.If they mean friends then thats just it!
1 person likes this
@SViswan (12071)
• India
25 Jul 08
I can understand and I'm glad you are your husband's best friend.
@msedge (4012)
• United States
1 Aug 08
Thank you
@kwenge (2492)
• Kenya
12 May 08
Hey Sviswan, For me, my spouse has a best friend and she is one of his cousins they grew up with. She is my age and I really don't mind. I would have not minded even if it was not his cousin. The fact that I trust my husband and he trusts me and there is nothing I do or he does behing each others backs, I can not feel bad when they discuss me. I know best friends can break or make a marriage but we agreed not to listen to anybody even our mothers when it comes to love and marriage matters. So dear, just set your hubby free, allow them to talk and joke with each other as they used to when they were growing up as long as they are not exe's. All the best.
@SViswan (12071)
• India
12 May 08
lol...I'm glad you have a great relationship with your husband. But this discussion is not based on my husband's best friend (he insists he doesn't have a best friend - male or female!) I was just wondering how I would feel if he had a best friend who was female when my friend told me his wife's best friend is male and they talk to each other 10 times in a day. I have male friends (I grew with them....because our parents are friends....and also guys I studied with). My husband knows all of them. But I won't term them as my 'best friends'.
@kwenge (2492)
• Kenya
13 May 08
@ posters, thanks for your comments, my husband and I had known each other 4 5 years till we tied the knot last month. I know his friends and he know my friend. I have male friends we grew up with and also colleageus and he is ok with them. I find this best friend of his who is a lady so understanding and supportive, she has thought my husband so many thing regarding the female system and this has helped him understand me and treat me better! He knows that when the mood swings surround me that my periods are near and he treats me softly in that period so as not to provoke me. All this thanks to his best friend.
@cupid74 (11394)
• Pakistan
12 May 08
i think obvious that no one will like it, so would I as then element of suspicious will be there and its nature how broad minded u pose to be, at the back of ur mind u will have suspicion creeping and bothering u
1 person likes this
@cupid74 (11394)
• Pakistan
12 May 08
May be u r right Aur
@keyzme (21)
• Brunei Darussalam
14 Jun 08
I think I WOULD mind! yea, I would because there are some issues in my past which makes me think so. You see, my hubby and I had been lovers eversince High School, and that makes me KNOW his every little story. Girls used to love to chase him around, and he's got this something that makes girls develop a crush on him even when he didn't really intend to do flirt or whatever, you know. And the girls who's had a crush on him would try to get him no matter what. He's kinda like "irresistable" not to get with. And I seriously don't know why! Yeah, I mind. But well, maybe I'm just too paranoid. But maybe I'm just a normal jealous (but not too over-jealous) girl. Hehe Nice topic!*waves*
@SViswan (12071)
• India
13 Jul 08
lol..sounds like a 'normal' jealous to me!
@secretbear (19463)
• Philippines
9 Jun 08
i don't have a husband yet but i think i wouldn't like it if he has a female bestfriend. i easily get jealous when the guy i love is talking with a girl, especially if they seem like having a good laugh or enjoying each others company. i'd burn with jealousy! but if his female bestfriend is also my good friend, and she would always take my side whenever me and my husband gets into an argument, then i think it would be fine by me. especially if the girl treats me as her bestfriend and not my husband anymore.
1 person likes this
@SViswan (12071)
• India
13 Jul 08
lol..you sound just like me!
@4mymak (1793)
• Malaysia
12 May 08
i find it very awkward if my husband's best friend is a girl... even if they are not romantic about each other.. i just wont feel comfortable knowing that my husband would share secrets with another girl other than myself... and 'discussing' me with another girl.. hmmm... not good... not good at all...
@SViswan (12071)
• India
12 May 08
That's exactly how I feel.
@subha12 (18452)
• India
12 May 08
I think it depends. if the relation is only till friendship its ok. i believe in pure friendship. that can be between peopla of different sexes. but when this is beyond friendship, obviously i would mind.
1 person likes this
@SViswan (12071)
• India
12 May 08
It's a very fine line and it can be crossed anytime. It also depends on the trust you have in your partner AND the other person to be confident about their friendship.
@aseretdd (13736)
• Philippines
12 May 08
I really don't know what my reaction would be... since i am not a jealous person... and my husband's best friend is male... and most of his friends are my friends too... so i never had a problem with that... but in my case... my best friend during college was male... and i did not see any indication that my husband was jealous even a little bit...
1 person likes this
@SViswan (12071)
• India
12 May 08
Good for you. I'm not a jealous person either...but somehow I don't think I'd be comfortable with the idea...especially if I wasn't friends with the woman too. And I'm sure that would crop up only when we have an argument. That's when I'd be insecure especially if he was confiding in the woman. Actually, lol....I don't like my husband talking or discussing our arguments with anyone (male or female). So, I guess it's not the gender really that I have a problem with.