Would you do this for him : Staying with his family

@SomeCowgirl (32254)
United States
May 11, 2008 3:09pm CST
My fiance and I recently had a discussion about our wedding and also about us moving out. He feels that he owes his parents by staying here and helping them with their mortgage and other stuff so that his father can retire, and his mother can possibly stop working as well. My fiance was frightened to tell me as he knew that I would be okay with it, but he was unsure of how to tell me. I, ofcourse, agreed and told him that it would also help us save and understand what it's like to pay all the bills. My fiance has never had the responsibility of paying the bills, and the only bill I have paid is for my cell phone. I told him that we could get a job and possibly pay his parents bills every other month for them so that we would be able to experience what it would be like to pay for a lot of things. My question to you is, how would you feel if your fiance was to ask you to do this? Would you? Would you have suggested what I had? I also suggested taking out a loan to help them get further ahead on their mortgage, would you do this? I would not expect them to pay us back for it, as I would be doing it to help them.
3 people like this
14 responses
• India
12 May 08
Yes, I would have stayed back for him and tested the waters so to speak. His parents are the people because whom he is here for you today…you must not forget that and also overnight no son should change so much so as not to want to help his parents. So if you had not agreed, it would have caused unnecessary friction in your married life. On the other hand, if you do stay back and help and then they are not nice to you, your hubby would have nothing to complain against you. But if they are nice, it would be an added bonus to your new life, after all good in-laws (and then grandparents) are the greatest gifts which we miss in today’s society.
3 people like this
@SomeCowgirl (32254)
• United States
12 May 08
Thank you for your response, I love the way you said they are who he is today. You are right about staying back and helping and the possibility of them being mean. I already live with them, and they treat me great. I know that might change once we do get married, but she knows we're engaged and she approves.
3 people like this
@hellcowboy (7378)
• United States
11 May 08
Yes we had a long discussion about it,because it is something I had been thinking about it for a while,and I believe I do owe my parents alot,because they have always put me before themselves,even now that I am 23 they still put me and the bills first,which causes them a lot of stress,which is why I feel like we should help them with the mortgage and the bills,so that way they wont have to worry and my dad wont have to keep working his butt off just to try and stay ahead.My fiance suggested that we talk to my mom about waiting until after we get jobs,and get our first couple pay checks,and make an arrangement where we help with the mortgage or one month we pay the bills,and then they pay the bills and go like that or,every couple months we pay all the bills,and then the rest of the time we buy grocery's and just help them with the mortgage,I think that living here would be better than moving out anyway,because we can learn to budget,with my parents help,and we can learn what its like to pay bills,without getting in over our heads,and besides living here we can save our money faster,and even if we are here,at some point we can have children,because here my parents can help us with them,and there is room for children here,and besides it would help us learn responsibility's because not only would be doing for ourselves,we would be using our money to help them.I also think this would help us not to be as stressed either,so that way we wont get into as many fights,because we are overstressed and not sure what to do.I also think that loans arent risky especially if we get a small loan like between 500 and 5000 dollars, then we could make a dent in the mortgage and besides we wouldnt have to get it for a while,and then we could pay it back on time so that way it dont hurt our credit.
2 people like this
@SomeCowgirl (32254)
• United States
11 May 08
First off baby I am really happy to do this. It will help us budget and finance better and also help them with their bills and other things so that they can be less stressed on all that they've been stressed about. We will talk to her and get everything straightened out and she'll be able to help us with it. I told you, I don't care if we let her see the payment stub, and I don't care if we do give her a blank check. I suppose we should tell her that your name is already under our account, and I don't believe she'll get too upset. You still have your own account, and she knows this. I think she'll be glad that we didn't touch that money and that we put the money back into your account. She'll also be happy to help us I am sure, with everything as we are taking things into our own hands and showing that we can be responsible with everything. She'll also be able to help us understand what we can and can't do financially as a couple in terms of what it means to file jointly as well as how we'd go about getting the loan. She'll also be able to tell us what to expect, and be there for us when the finances go a-phewie. I love you very much baby and am glad that you did emphasize more on the loan as it's better to hear all of this from your point of view as well. The loan will not be that big, and depending on whether we talk to them about staying we may be able to get the loan for a bit higher and pay for a few things to help with the house, or a bigger bed for us. I love you with all of my heart and soul, you are my everything.
2 people like this
• United States
11 May 08
I know your happy to do this,yeah I know we could show her the paycheck stubs and I know we could give her a blank check.I guess we should tell her about my name on our account,since I still have my other account so she shouldnt get upset.I think she will be very happy that we havent touched the money,and that we put it back as soon as we could.I think she will be proud that we are trying to be responsibilty,and she can help us learn what we can and cant do when it comes to finances and whether it would be better to file jointly or not,and yeah she could help us understand exactly how to get a loan,and she will be there to help if we start to fall.I love you too,and I figured it would help people understand if I give them my point of view on this subject.The loan wont be that big,but I guess we could always try to get a bigger loan so we could get a bigger bed for us.
2 people like this
@SomeCowgirl (32254)
• United States
13 May 08
I love you with all of my heart and soul baby, and you know this. I love you and I will never change my mind on this. I am doing this and want to do this for us, so that we can learn to budget. I am glad that your mother has agreed to help, and that she did not react in a bad way. I love you with all of my heart and soul....
1 person likes this
@sedel1027 (17851)
• United States
12 May 08
I think it would be okay to do, but as a new couple, I would think that you would want to build a life of your own. Living with them will only hinder doing that.
2 people like this
@SomeCowgirl (32254)
• United States
12 May 08
Not really. We are doing it so that we will be able to think for ourselves.
2 people like this
@sedel1027 (17851)
• United States
12 May 08
In my opinion, you would be better off on your own. It is cool that they want to help out, but you both need credit, you both need to learn how to take care of yourselves. It is not your responsibility to care for them, you have to consider what you and your fiance want for your future. By staying in their home, you are hindering yourselves.
3 people like this
@SomeCowgirl (32254)
• United States
12 May 08
We are staying with them and will be helping with bills. They will sit down with us and help us by showing us their budget and helping us create our own budget. This is helping us as we prepare for what amount of money we need to have....
2 people like this
@Pitgull (1522)
• United States
11 May 08
I understand helping his parents out. But what kinds of jobs do you and your fiance have? Have you gone through school, educated yourselves to work and do what you need to survive in this world? If you both think it would be good for your relationship, and your economical future, then do it. But realize you and your fiance will end up with a family of your own, and your children will need a house that you both pay everything in. If it's training for your kids, I understand, but I'm not sure if I'd be willing to assume all of their bills, on top of his. That's a lot, when you are engaged. Getting out a loan, just remember you have to repay, with interest. It depends on your finances already and what you want to do with your life, your house, etc... You also need to be sure that you have financial security, and that not everything is going into his and his parents house. I'm sure you love him and trust him (why else would you be engaged) but you need to make sure, if anything was to happen, that you have something of your own. Sorry to say, but I've seen it happen too many times.
2 people like this
@SomeCowgirl (32254)
• United States
11 May 08
Although I am sure you will say that you've heard this before, I do love my fiance and I am prepared to do this for him as well as my future inlaws. This is also a growth period for the both of us, and yes it will prepare us for our own children. We will still respect their rules and go so far as to not try to conceive until we are financially set to buy our own place. We are thinking for ourselves as well as for his parents.
2 people like this
@Pitgull (1522)
• United States
13 May 08
Are those also in their rules, for you not to conceive? I'm just wondering because the two were linked, but I also understand. It may be a great learning experience for you and your fiance...:)
1 person likes this
@SomeCowgirl (32254)
• United States
13 May 08
No, that is our own morals for respect.
1 person likes this
@cupid74 (11388)
• Pakistan
12 May 08
hi dear we love in joint family system so me and my lives with parents and its really fun. take care
@SomeCowgirl (32254)
• United States
12 May 08
I am glad that you enjoy living with your parents. Thank your for your response.
2 people like this
@cupid74 (11388)
• Pakistan
13 May 08
Yeah its nice you are welcome and take care bye
1 person likes this
@jen4kids (32)
12 May 08
I honestly have not read everyone else's response to this, so if I repeat others opinions/suggestions, I apologize. At this point in your lives, you need to look to your future. Having the opportunity to stay with your in-laws to save money, and help them along the way is great, but maybe instead of alternating paying monthly obligations, you should sit down with your in-laws and talk about what their monthly costs are, what your budget is, and agree on a monthly amount for you to pay them each month for YOUR living expenses. When I chose to become a parent, I knew that I was choosing to put someone else's needs ahead of my own for the rest of my life (not for the next 18 years). It is not my child's responsibility to pay my debts (and believe me, I have a lot). As far as getting experience paying bills, my suggestion is to continue paying cell phone bills, get one credit card DO NOT max it out, use it responsibly, pay on time every month to build your credit, pay your in-laws the cost of your living expenses on a given date every month, so that they know they can count on that money each month to pay your share of the mortgage, utilities, groceries, etc. In the meantime, put away every penny you can in to savings so that when you have grown children, they do not need to be concerned about helping you pay your bills.
@SomeCowgirl (32254)
• United States
12 May 08
Thank you for being honest about not reading all of the responses. Thank you for your great advice, and I believe that sitting down and agreeing what would be fair to pay is exactly what we'll do, as we outlined last night in a discussion. We already have a "piggy bank". I am sure we will set a date for everything according to what we're paying is due, and if more then one thing we will set a date for it. Thank you again for your response, as it is much appreciated.
2 people like this
@roanne05 (1290)
• Oman
12 May 08
i think i would agree and suggest the same thing to help them...i mean, they are family right?but just make sure to set your limit with helping them.good luck!
@SomeCowgirl (32254)
• United States
12 May 08
Thank you so much, but I think they've set the limit for us. They won't let us help them as much as we wanted too, but it's good to know that they do care enough to help us with budgeting.
2 people like this
@subha12 (18450)
• India
12 May 08
i think its good to stay together. there are obviously some pros. you can share the bill and also there are some elder persons who can guide you. but always it is not all good. best of luck.
2 people like this
@SomeCowgirl (32254)
• United States
12 May 08
Thank you for your opinion. I do agree that in some cases it is not good to stay with your inlaws, parents, or older people then you that are of any relation to you or your husband. Thank you for the well wishes.
2 people like this
@Adelida2233 (1006)
• United States
12 May 08
According to your replies, you've already pretty much decided to move in with them, and I'm not in your situation, so I won't begin to try as dissuade you from that. First thing, I would not take out a loan to help his parents with their financial difficulty. It will seem like a quick fix, but will cost you more in the end. It sounds as though you and your fiance do not have much credit built up, so the interest you would get on the loan would be very high and not worthwhile. Is it possible for you to split the bills in half with them each month, as opposed to what you said, where you will pay everything every other month. That would make it easier for everyone involved I would think. You don't want to shell out all your money one month and have nothing left over, then the next month have an influx. Better to do it as an even progression in my opinion. If I were to move in with them, BEFORE I make the final decision, I would sit down with your fiance and his parents and write down exactly what you will be helping them with so everyone is clear. This does not have to be a huge deal. Just ask them if they would mind going over everything so you and your fiance can write up a budget for paying bills, saving for the wedding, and saving for the future. Just make sure everyone is clear on what they are providing/getting. Even if you don't expect them to pay you back this is a good idea, so you know where you stand. Some things to ask while you are there discussing the mortgage: Are you going to help them pay off their entire mortgage? Does your fiance have siblings that would get the house as part of a will or will he retain full ownership after their passing?(morbid, yes, but important) What other chores are you responsible for?(ie who is paying for food, who is cleaning, etc.)
@SomeCowgirl (32254)
• United States
12 May 08
I have not really made it clear, but we already live with them. I do appreciate all of your reply, please allow me to clarify on a few other notes that seems that I have not made clear. We have talked to his mother tonight and she has actually reiterated a few points that we had in the back of our minds, and some points that you had come across. Such as the loan, she tells that for a loan the only thing we should do for is a car or house. She thinks that we should not get a loan unless we need it, and said basically no to that. We do not have credit built up. I did have credit but need to establish more then I have. Our idea of the bi-monthly bill paying was only an idea, and one that me and my fiance both felt would help us in understanding finances and what we could expect. We now understand, as she has talked to us about it, that we will only pay for things that we need as well as maybe a water bill or etc to help them each month. You are right though, that we should keep it at an even rate. We will write down everything that will be done, and keep a record of it for our own sakes, for budgeting. We asked about who would get the house and cars, as well as other things and she has told us that he solely would, even though he has a half brother. We are responsible for the cleaning of our own bedroom as well as bathroom, and to clean up after ourselves when we eat. Thank you again for your response, I hope I covered all that you'd ask.
2 people like this
@kykidd (6818)
• United States
11 May 08
I think if you get along fine, then it is great if you can stay there and save. But you must think about yourselves. It is nice to help out, but I wouldn't go as far as getting a loan. This would be way to risky.
2 people like this
@SomeCowgirl (32254)
• United States
11 May 08
By risky do you mean that they would start becoming demanding on us and asking us for money always? Or do you mean in terms of damaging our credit if we were not able to pay it all back on time? I am a bit confused by your meaning, and must reiterate also that I did say if we did do so we would not expect the money back. We have not yet talked to his parents.
2 people like this
• United States
12 May 08
You must get along with his parents very nicely. That is the thing that should be looked at in a situation like this. You don't want it to be a stressful situation. If in your heart this is what you are offering than that is great. In my situation my husbands Mom and I got along fair but if I ever had to live with her I am afraid there would be friction more between us. One thing I would also do is all four of you sit down and discuss what is expected from each of you so that there are no surprises once this happens. Good Luck To You
1 person likes this
@SomeCowgirl (32254)
• United States
12 May 08
Thank you. I do get along well with his parents, and we plan to sit down and budget.
2 people like this
• United States
12 May 08
My son and his wife moved out of the house too soon and found out it isn't easy to make it out there. They had no experience in handling bills and just wanted to be out on their own. They ended up moving back in until they got a little better on their feet. So the way you are doing it is good as you will get some valuable advice from his parents on how to manage and pay the bills and in turn you are helping them out. It is a win win situation.
1 person likes this
@ch88ss (2270)
• United States
5 Jun 08
great for you. IN today's soceity everything cost so much that I don't know what I will do. But I do feel that you fiance will not be moving out. If he does move out and buy a place with you, the talk about "his parents moving in with both of you" will be next. Since both of his parents will be retiring, there will not be enough money to pay mortgage etc. If you both take out a loan to help them with the mortgage, what will happen to your financial status. You be stuck with a loan too and no money for a home for the both of you and your future kids. I hope you find a solution to this and one that will make you and him both happy at the end.
1 person likes this
@SomeCowgirl (32254)
• United States
5 Jun 08
Thank you for your response. I've responded to a few others on here with updates on this financial situation. My Fiance and I will be staying here and earning money to help them with their bills. If we do get our own place one day and his parents want to move in, then I would have no problem with that. I hope he knows that, but I am sure he does. However, if they wanted us to stay here and take care of them then we would be happy to do that as well. His mom , My fiance and I have had the talk about children, and we made it clear that we would not be trying to conceive after our marriage. That if it happened, we would take responsibility but that we know we have a lot to learn before we take on the responsibility of a child. Thanks for your response to this discussion. Have a great day and Happy Mylotting to You!
@ch88ss (2270)
• United States
6 Jun 08
that is great that you are open to living with them. Thanks.
1 person likes this
@kenzie45230 (3560)
• United States
22 May 08
I think with the way the economy is today and the fact that it's getting worse, more families and couples should think about living together and helping each other out. Sometimes young people used to do that in the past. Now everyone thinks you should jump out there with both feet, get lots of credit, buy houses that are too big. I think you're going to be better prepared.
1 person likes this
@SomeCowgirl (32254)
• United States
22 May 08
Thank you and I am glad you agree. I already jumped out on my own and found that it isn't so easy.... Neither my fiance and I want to make that mistake, so we've decided to stay here to help out.
@aowaow (1516)
• Indonesia
13 May 08
I supported him by telling I trust what he is doing, even though it's weird to me at that time, but my heart as if commanded me to told him that. Funny, he got brighter since then, and now he always lives in his full-confidence. I never tell him to do this-or-that, I just told him, "I trust you whatever you do."