How do I encourage my adult daughter to get out on her own?
By jillbeth
@jillbeth (2705)
United States
May 20, 2008 1:06pm CST
Here is the situation: Our oldest daughter, who is 31, has been living with us for three years now. She left home at 18 to live with a boyfriend, was back home for a short time, then moved out to live with the next boyfriend. He asked her to move out of his home and she has been here ever since.
Please understand that I love my daughter and she is really not causing us hardship by being here, but she has no desire to get married to or even move in with her current boyfriend; she enjoys her independence right now. I can understand that. But she can't afford to live on her own, since she only has a minimum-wage job at a fast food restaurant. She doesn't even have her GED and seems to have no desire to get one, so she can get a better-paying job. She's even turned down an offer to be manager where she works.
She also has three kids by the first two boyfriends who are here much of the time. They are holy terrors, sibling rivalry to get her attention, although they're usually pretty good for me when she's not here. I am not looking forward to spending too much more time dealing with this problem.
I guess what bothers me is that at her age she seems perfectly content to live at home, but I feel if she wants her independence then she needs to get a better job and support herself. We aren't always going to be able to put a roof over her head. I'd really love to sell this house and get one much smaller, but hate to force her into a living arrangement she will be unhappy with.
She has looking into government-assisted living but hasn't followed up on it. She seems content to just let others take care of her. I think she needs to be more self-sufficient. How do I encourage her to do this?
10 people like this
25 responses
@sisterjinx (1135)
• United States
20 May 08
First, talk to your daughter. Explain to her that you are concerned. Explain that people her age need to be out on their own. Tell her that you love her and that you understand that she needed you for a time but the time has come for her to become more self-sufficient.
If this doesn't get her moving then it's time for tough love. You need to set boundries. Tell her that she has 60 days to get into her own place. You can tell her you love her and that you want to continue to be her friend and her support but emotionally not financially.
I haven't lived at home since I was 19. I have lived through tough times. I have had to use state help on occasion to get through those rough times. There are programs that can help her.
It's wonderful that you made her feel welcome and loved but there comes a time when it is you being taken advantage of. She may not mean to take advantage but she is so comfortable that she is not realizing it.
@hockeygal4ever (10021)
• United States
20 May 08
I think sometimes tough love is the only way, especially when what she's choosing to do is actually causing her more harm than good. Turning down better job positions, having 3 kids to raise and not wanting to better herself is not healthy for anyone. It's time to give her some ultimatums. Take her over to fill out the paperwork for the government funded housing. You're making it too easy for her to NOT take responsibility. It's not a matter of independence, it's a matter of responsibility. At 31 she should be on her own and responsible.
3 people like this
@maddysmommy (16230)
• United States
21 May 08
I know of someone that is 40 and still living with his parents, single with no kids. He lives in their basement apartment. I couldn't believe it when I first was told but he seems comfortable there and pays his own way in everything and he has a good job. I think the main reason being is that his parents are elderly so I can understand him wanting to stay there but still, it was hard to comprehend.
Talking to her about how you feel is a start. She may have issues that she is finding hard to deal with herself (after the breakup) and may not know where to begin, or how to start out on her own again. She sounds very lost to me and may need guidance on how to get back out there on her own again with her children.
@jillbeth (2705)
• United States
21 May 08
Well, it's been three years since the last breakup, so you'd think she'd have dealt with those issues by now! I've always been willing to talk with her about her problems, but for a long time she wasn't sharing with us. We didn't know the first boyfriend was abusing her until she finally left him! She's never really been on her own, and I think that's part of the problem.
I can understand grown children living with elderly parents who need cared for; that's the right thing to do. But her dad and I aren't ready for the rocking chairs yet!
2 people like this
@maddysmommy (16230)
• United States
21 May 08
Well maybe she needs counseling. Do you know the extent of the abuse she endured? Three years is a long time but the scars he left don't go away that quickly I would think. Just a suggestion.
1 person likes this
@sunshine4 (8703)
• United States
20 May 08
Here is my rule~ my kids can live here rent free until they graduate from college.
After they graduate, get a job and start paying rent if they are staying in my house.
If they choose not to attend college, they go out, get a job and pay rent.
I will save the rent money for them and give it back when they do move out, but until then I feel they need to pay their fare share.
@jillbeth (2705)
• United States
21 May 08
We don't charge her rent, but she does help out with groceries and untilities bills as much as she can. Almost half of her monthly income goes toward her car payment and insurance, and with three kids, that takes up much of the rest! She does give us a large portion of her income tax refunds, which really helps.
1 person likes this
@sunshine4 (8703)
• United States
20 May 08
I forgot to add~ you are enabling her to take the easy way out. She needs to get her diploma and get a better job.
You have raised her, now it is your time to enjoy your life without having to take care of your daughter too.
She isn't setting such a good example for her children either.
2 people like this
@sunshine4 (8703)
• United States
21 May 08
It is a good thing that she helps with bills.
Does she have custody of her children? If so, she should be getting child support for them.
All I can think of in a situation like this is one day you are not going to be around to help your daughter and then how will she live?
She is teaching her children that it isn't important to get a good job or an education.
My boys are teenagers and they all 3 hold jobs, go to school, participate in sports, pay their cell phone bill, their car payment and their insurance.
My 19 yr old graduated from high school and decided he didn't want to go to college. I told him that he needed to go out and find a job that paid more than he was making at the pizza parlor. He looked and looked and finally found a great full time job with benefits and all.
He just bought a house and realizes in order to live to his standards, he has to work full time along with delivering pizzas on theweekends.
I am not saying anything is wrong with helping out our children, but I would say that at 31 yrs old with children, your daughter needs a reality check.
1 person likes this
@newtondak (3946)
• United States
21 May 08
Sit down and discuss some goals that lead to her becoming independent - set timelines for her to reach those goals and insist that she stick to them. Put them in writing and both of you sign that you agree. If she doesn't want to do it - she can immediately move out on her own.
2 people like this
@hanirose (307)
• Philippines
21 May 08
In all the family problems I always believe that communication works wonders.
Why not just talk to her? If she seems like she doesn't care about her life them maybe she's one of the people who would care more about others.
Tell her that since she has kids, her decisions do not only affect her on life but the life of her kids too. Every decision parents make, the children are always, always affected. Let her know that her lack of ambition and actions to make her life better might run down from you her parents to her kids and their future families.
Also just be straight-forward and tell her that you are only there to guide her and help her not lift weights for her. Make her realize that life isn't all about her but also for the people around her who cares and loves her.
Like eagles, parents are there to provide for their child, nurture them until the day it's time for them to fly. The will to spread one's wings cannot be taught or done for. I hope that you will be able to make your daughter understand this some time soon.
Goodluck!
@jillbeth (2705)
• United States
21 May 08
We have talked about this; she's concerned that she is a burden on us, but she really isn't and that's not my main concern. I'd just like her to have more faith in her own abilities so she has more control over her own life. She knows what she needs to do, she just isn't doing it!
1 person likes this
@cloud_kicker_32 (4635)
• United States
21 May 08
Ohh Myy..this is the same thing that is happening with a friend of mine..she is 35 and has been living with her parents forever!! she never has been on her own..though she makes great money at her job..and she has no kids..she just likes the dependency of her parents..as for your situation..i feel she is kinda the same..she has no worries..she has you takin care of her and the kids..or help her. wit them im sure..she is enjoying her own dependency on you..and knows u wil never make her leave..so why get a better job? why better herself when she knows she doesnt need to..especially since shes daddys little girl..i know farr too well about being that lol lol..!! If you truely want her out and make her become a grown up again..and independent especially for her kids sakes..they wil end up just like her is what i fear..you need to put your foot down..give her teh tough love..and tell her a time frame for her to get a better job or go to the low income housing..follow up with or for her..u have to..or hunny i fear she will never go..shes old enough to take care of herself and not have mom and dad support her forever..i really wish u the best luck..plz kep us updated..have a good one April
@jillbeth (2705)
• United States
21 May 08
She has looked into subsidized housing, she is on a waiting list, I think. She knows we have been wanting to get a smaller house, too. I need to remind her that she needs to get her butt in gear and get that GED finished so she has more opportunities.
1 person likes this
@k1tten (2318)
• United States
21 May 08
I agree with everyone else. A little tough love is what you need. She needs to realize she needs to step up to the plate and take responsibility for what she's done. You need to lay down rules and push her to do better. She's 31 she should know better.
2 people like this
@randomosity_prevails (1112)
•
20 May 08
It might be that because she has a family home to fall back on, and parents who are willing to support her (financially, as well as emotionally), that she just doesn't see the point in applying herself to anything more difficult. I don't mean this as an insult to yourself, or your partner, but maybe she needs a bit of a shove. She needs to see that she has to support herself, and can't always rely on you.
On the other hand, have you considered that she might be depressed, or similar? You say that her boyfriend told her to leave; maybe that affected her? It might explain why she can't discipline her children, or hold down a better job, or do her GED (I don't know what that is,so don't know what it involves; I live in England).
If you are thinking of moving house, then tell her. It may be the incentive she needs. Have you offered to look at houses with her? Or go to viewings? Maybe she needs a little support there?
Good luck with whatever you decide to do xx
@jillbeth (2705)
• United States
21 May 08
Yes, we really need to push her a little bit. I don't think she is depressed, I spend enough time with her that I think I would see signs of that. I think part of the problem is that by living with her boyfriends, instead of getting out on her own for a while, she has learned to let others take care of things instead of relying on herself. I spoke to her dad again yesterday about this issue, and told him we really need to start encouraging (nagging!) her to at least get her GED, which would be a step in the right direction.
1 person likes this
@phillygirl606 (1112)
• United States
21 May 08
First nicely explain your concern to your daughter. Cause it sounds like she likes the sound of independence just as long as she isn't paying for it. I can completely understand why she wouldn't want to move in with the boyfriend because of her past experiences. Just don't put her out. Explain that with the cost of everything going up that you would like to purchase a smaller house. Sounds like her self esteem may be a little low because of past boyfriends, just talk to her and let her know that you know she can do good for herself that she just needs to believe that now. Good luck with whatever you do.
2 people like this
@jillbeth (2705)
• United States
21 May 08
I think she has always had a self-esteem problem, actually, the boyfriend issue may have made it worse! She doesn't have faith in her own ability, I think. I guess my main concern is for her own future, because even if she does decide to get married, she still needs to be able to take care of herself if something would happen to her husband! In today's society, women really need to be prepared to fend for themselves.
1 person likes this
@Hatley (163781)
• Garden Grove, California
21 May 08
Talk to her just as you have talked to us,honest'and
forthright. she is much too old to just let others'
take care of her and she needs to learn a better
paying job and get out and get her own apartment.
As long as she has free room and board and baby sitters
she will never move.she needs some tough love right
now.
2 people like this
@jillbeth (2705)
• United States
21 May 08
Well, I hate to refuse to babysit my grandchildren, and I really don't have them all that often, usually just on weekends when she's scheduled to work. They are here most evenings but she is also home then. But summer is coming up, and she's asked if I could help out, not babysit everyday but maybe once or twice a week. I've told her I would, but she has to understand that I am looking for part time work right now and might not be available. Also, I'd like to think I have some influence over the kids' behavior; they really need to learn to use some manners. I know they have them; I've seen them, but its not a habit with them!
1 person likes this
@alkhan77 (21)
• New Zealand
21 May 08
encourage her to talk to you i think there is something inside her she doesnt want to share or she is simply relying on you to look after her and support her. talk to her that she can do it by her self. i think she is afraid or what the future holds for her and she is so sure you will be always be there for here. so instead of doing things for her force her to do it her self if she keeps on refusing jobs offer tell her where can she end up having three kids you have to be firm and straight i know you love her but for how long will you be able to keep your thoughts to your self?
2 people like this
@jillbeth (2705)
• United States
21 May 08
Well, I have taked to her about this and tried to encourage her. I think she just doesn't have enough faith in her own abilities, since she has never lived by herself. She is not really a bright girl, but not totally stupid either, but has a lot of common sense. I know that she has expressed an interest in nursing, and a local retirement home offers free CNA classes if you agree to work there a certain amount of time afterward. But the classes are on third shift, which I think discourages her. Maybe I need to bring the subject up again and see if she still has that interest.
1 person likes this
@vicneedscoffee (1259)
• United States
20 May 08
This is a tough situation. It's a situation many parents face. I hear it all the time. My sister and her husband actually moved into a smaller house to try and keep his grown children from repeatedly moving home. They have one (and her children) moving back in within the next two weeks and always will until they put their foot down.
You are right, you will not always be there to support here so a little tough love may be in order. I would sit her down and talk to her explaining your fears for her future. Explain that as parents part of our job is to make sure our children can fend for themselves. The hard part is to do talk with her without it sounding like an attack on her. Point out the opportunities rather than her faults to try to keep her from getting defensive.
I would suggest to her going back to school. Explain to her it is the perfect time for it because you can help with the babysitting and that she may never get the chance again. Explain to her that as a parent herself she has a duty to do her best to provide security for her children to the best of her ability.
I truly believe the only way to put an end to the cycle is to be honest, but loving. My daughter is 12 and already knows the rules. She can live here free as long as she is in school. After that she knows there will be a discussion if she wants to stay longer. I will let her live here until she can stand on her own, but I will not support her for her whole life. My hope is if she stays I can charge her a small rent and put it in a bank account and hand it to her when she looks at her first house.
It is not easy to be a parent, but sometime we must push the chick from the nest so she can fly on her own.
2 people like this
@jillbeth (2705)
• United States
21 May 08
That is something we'd love to do; get a smaller house so there's no room for anyone else to move in! With the way the housing market is now, though, that probably won't happen in the near future. We took out a second mortgage (stupid idea) to repair this house and buy a box truck for our business, so we really don't have much equity left! We'd be lucky to get what we owe on this house, and we don't have savings for another down payment.
1 person likes this
@zyann0102 (43)
• United States
21 May 08
I think the best thing to do is to be honest with her. Let her know you don't mind supporting her, as long as she is working torward bettering herself, like while she goes to school, or while she takes time to study for her GED so she can go to school.
I do not think it is a good thing to push her into marrying or moving in with another man.
Just tell her you want to see her make a good life for herself and her children. Offer to help with child care and giving her a home while she does her GED and gets into college. Then let her know if she is not willing to do this, that you are not going to contribute to her letting her life waste away. You will have to kick her out if she is not going to let you help her. I think it's import to stress how much you want to help her become something great, but you will not let her sit in your house and fail. Also make sure she knows you love her and your grandchildren.
2 people like this
@jillbeth (2705)
• United States
21 May 08
That's the thing; I'm afraid that if we push her too hard, that's exactly what will happen, she'll take the easy way out and move in with her boyfriend. They have been seeing each other for over a year, and he's asked her to move in, but she isn't interested. I don't think she is being fair to him, actually, I would prefer to see her married as opposed to just living with another guy.
I've spoken to her before about this matter, but with gentle suggestions. I am going to have another talk with her, but more firmly. Her dad is really not being much help, although he knows how I feel.
1 person likes this
@subha12 (18441)
• India
21 May 08
i understand your situation. youtr concerns are correct. make her understand that you do not love her less. but she should be at least financially independent if she wants to live on her own indepence. if she wants to marry it good.
@highflyingxangel (9225)
• United States
21 May 08
Have you actually talked to her about her situation? If you have, or even if you haven't and she doesn't show any desire to leave home, maybe you need to light a fire under her and let tell her that if she doesn't straighten up and improve her life, she has to go and take her children with her. If she's gotten really comfortable at home she may not feel like she has to improve herself because you'll let her stay with you forever and she won't have to get a better job, pay bills and keep a house.
1 person likes this
@sirnose (2436)
• United States
20 May 08
Well sounds like you made a bed you wish to no longer lie in.It seems that its your fault,you always took her in everytime her relationships failed.I really don't know what to tell you, a woman with three kids, no husand,and no real education.And what I read from your own discussion,she has no desire to succeed in life.There is a thing called "tough-love" but I don't think that will work because you always came to her rescue whenever she slipped ,she knew you would help her.I think if I was in your shoes I would sit her down and tell my daughter how I feel about the choices she have made in her life and that it's about time for her to grow up and take responsibility for her and her kids future.Let her know that you will be there for her but shes has to cut the apron strings and go out into the world and live her own life.I wish you the best in whatever you decide.
2 people like this
@jillbeth (2705)
• United States
20 May 08
I admit that I do share some blame for the situation, but we couldn't very well let her live on the street when we had room to take her in! She left the first boyfriend because he was physically abusive, so at least she had sense enough to get out of that situation. She had just lost her job before #2 asked her to move out, so I got the feeling he didn't care enough for her to support her until she found something else. I have had gentle discussions with her about finishing her education so she has more job opportunities and can support herself, but it just doesn't seem to be sinking in. I really don't want to get angry with her, and order her out, but sometimes I feel that's what it's going to have to come to.
1 person likes this
@Deea48 (1166)
• United States
21 May 08
It sounds to me you made it far to comfy there, why would she leave.. My motto is , make them uncomfortable, she has to pay rent. Has to find child care for her chidren when she is at work.Or pay you, that is a job most get payed for. She has to purchase all her own the personal things such as cloths, food ect... for her and her children. Have her do much of the chores as well. There is no going out with the new boyfriend if she has not found a sitter, not you . To watch her children. Make it uncomfortable, and she will go. But as long as you support her, do for her what she can do for herself, she won't leave. Why should she,it is nice having mom and dad do for you for life. Best of luck to you. Sometimes things are just not easy.
1 person likes this
@kenzie45230 (3560)
• United States
21 May 08
I would never encourage anyone, especially my child, to live with someone outside of marriage. But that's just me, I guess. Old fashioned. Following what the Bible says.
I would also never push out a child, no matter how old he/she was. My son - age 24 - lives with my hubby and me. (Hubby is his step-dad.)
I think with the way the economy is headed, we're smarter to all start thinking about gathering family around to help support each other. It's the way life used to be, when folks all live on farms.
In fact, many of my extended family members have talked about doing that - making a family compound where we could all have small homes and help each other out. It may come to that, as gas prices keep going up with no obvious plans for alternative fuels.
1 person likes this
@jillbeth (2705)
• United States
21 May 08
I would prefer to see her get married, but her dad and I lived together three years before we got married. I think it's what is in your heart that counts. I know that many families live together because of the economy, and that's not necessarily a bad thing; in the "olden days" it wasn't at all unusual! I just worry because she seems to content to just let others take care of her, and in today's society women really need to be able to take care of themselves.
@kenzie45230 (3560)
• United States
21 May 08
It sounds to me as if she's still trying to find herself. Once we do that, it's hard to keep us down (or home), I think. Perhaps the encouragement you need to give is in the way of more education so that she can feel more confident about being out on her own.
Just because she is that old, doesn't mean she's confident - even enough to explore opportunities. Why don't you suggest doing something together - like taking a college class together? That would get her looking in that direction.
