Doctor's and professional conduct
By Myrrdin
@Myrrdin (3599)
Canada
May 22, 2008 12:32pm CST
for a background on this subject check out http://www.mylot.com/w/discussions/1518135.aspx
Ok I know I am beating a dead horse and this is the third post on this subject, but it is the major issue of the moment for me and I feel the need to vent.
Due to the violence my daughter witnessed that was perpetrated by her mother I felt that she might need some counseling to deal with any mixed emotions that are bound to arise. I took my daughter to her doctors to discuss the issue. Now her doctor is also my ex wife's doctor and my ex wife had been in earlier to talk about the stress she was feeling over her assault charges and me taking her to court for custody. While I understand and sympathize with my exwife to a certain extent, my sympathy only goes so far and when my daughter is in danger the only thought I have is for my daughters safety. Ok back to the topic at hand.
I am extremely angry at the doctor for how she handled things. The doctor asked me to recount the events while my five year old daughter was within the room. I have not brought up the events of that day in front of my daughter to anyone, I do not want her to unnecessarily relive the events. While I understand the doctor would be talking about the events to my daughter anyways, the wording would of course avoid much of the violent issues, and the stuff Lilley didn't directly see or stuff I am unsure if my daughter saw or experienced would not need be brought up to my daughter directly.
The doctor outright told me I was being unreasonable in MY actions, and that my daughter should return to school and resume a normal shared custody routine with my ex, and that this would aid in my exwifes recovery. I was shocked at her comments and felt she was being very unprofessional. First off it is not a doctor's place to intervene in Family Law, secondly to suggest that my first concern should be for my exwife and not my daughter (which is essentially what she was doing) is terrible. I feel that the doctor was acting as my exwifes doctor alone and not as my daughters.
Now I can understand where this situation puts her in a morally questionable position, and knowing what is best is difficult, however if she felt she was incapable of ignoring my exwifes condition and position and focused solely on my daughter then she should have referred us to another doctor, there are three other doctors in her office that could have seen my daughter instead.
6 people like this
8 responses
@Stiletto (4579)
•
22 May 08
Well as far as the doctor goes I think her position as your ex wife's doctor is compromising her and affecting her perceptions of the situation so I don't think she is the best person to talk to about it. I agree that from what you have said it sounds as if she was being very unprofessional. If you think it necessary to discuss the possibility of counselling with a doctor I would recommend making an appointment with one of the other three doctors in the practice.
On the general point of counselling though are you sure it's really necessary? Children can be much tougher than we often give them credit for and maybe you just having a chat with your daughter about it will resolve any residual concerns or mixed emotions that she may have. However, I understand it would possibly be difficult for you to do that. If someone behaved that way in front of my child and left bruises on her I think I would have a hard time discussing it calmly!
3 people like this
@spalladino (17891)
• United States
22 May 08
Take your daughter to another doctor, preferably in a different practice. This doctor acted very unprofessionally and, because her empathy for your ex has already over-ridden her professional responsibility towards your daughter as her patient, she cannot be counted on to adequately treat her. I would also be leery of the possibility of this doctor being called as a expert witness in any court hearings and giving a recommendation, based on her feelings for your ex, that could be not in the best interest of your daughter. Good luck with this and kudos for stepping in and protecting your child.
@Myrrdin (3599)
• Canada
22 May 08
I have already discussed with my employer's Employee Assistance Program to enroll my daughter in a therapy group for children. I know the doctor is competent for physical health, but I have long questioned her ability in psychosocial matters as her diagnosis of my exwife for anxiety disorder seems off base and doesn't fit her symptoms. Now with her inability to set aside her review of my exwife in order to treat my daughter as a separate patient I would love to find a new family doctor. Unfortunately in my area family doctors are hard to come by.
3 people like this
@flowerchilde (12529)
• United States
22 May 08
I think you are very right. I also think it's like when there's trouble and someone calls the cops, too often it's the first person who calls who gets believed, no matter what the circumstances (I've heard some whoppers.) Also it should be like with lawyers.. your wife's lawyer could never be your daughter's! And lastly, I hate to say it, but people don't seem to give a hoot about the rights of kids! Or at least they are low on the totem pole when it comes to rights to life and safety.
3 people like this
@CanadaGal (4304)
• Canada
22 May 08
You need to find another doctor to see your daughter. Her doctor is showing an obvious conflict of interest. That will not serve the best interests of your daughter.
Here is a link to a program I used for my older son when he was disclosing some very traumatic instances from his past: http://www.chwo.org/programs/a_intro.htm . You could try to contact them with your concerns, and see if they can help you out (it's covered under OHIP btw, just like regular doctor's visits are).
It says that you can get referred to them via a school... so you don't need to worry about finding another doctor right away. You could also get in touch with the CAS worker that was assigned to you, and ask advice on where you could go to help your daughter, or how to find out if she needs any help.
Is your daughter showing any signs of emotional distress over all that went on? Because if not, it might be best to just let it be. Children can be far more resilient than we think. And focusing on keeping her in a consistent routine, and showing her the stability that YOU are in her life might be all that is needed.
2 people like this
@CanadaGal (4304)
• Canada
22 May 08
OH OH OH!! I just remembered... apparently there's a children's walk in clinic up in the Masonville area that is often open after hours. One of my grandma friends at school was telling me about it just yesterday, b/c her grandkids get brought there all the time. I can get the name of it for you if you want... maybe you could go see them and use them for your daughter's assessments and referrals at this time?
2 people like this
@zigzagbuddha (4601)
• United States
22 May 08
Has it ever occurred to you that maybe you are making too big a deal out of it? There is no reason that you could not handle any problems your daughter might have over it just by talking it out with her. That would be of more value than any outside 'counseling'. Unless of course you were unable to remain sane in the conversation yourself. In that case maybe you are the one who needs counseling. You do seem to be involved in the pretty futile activity of trying to wrestle 'issues' to the ground. Good luck with that one.
And I would have to wonder what you were thinking to take her to your wife's counselor anyway. Has your daughter told you that she has confusion over the events that she is having trouble dealing with? Or have you just assumed that she does?
2 people like this
@Myrrdin (3599)
• Canada
22 May 08
No it has never occurred to me that my wife assaulting someone with my daughter present, and being rough with my daughter, breaking a police car window, and everything else that occured was not grounds to protect my daughter from that atmosphere. Coupled with a history of threats to leave the province with my daughter with or without my knowledge or permission I am secure in my knowledge that I am doing the right thing. Add to this I have discussed at great lengths with Children's Aid Society (equivalent of Child Protective Services) and they agreed that my reaction was exactly what they would recommend.
I did NOT take my daughter to my wife's counselor, I took my daughter to my daughter's family physician to see if counseling is needed, my daughter's family physician is also my wife's physician.
My exwife being rough with my daughter (to the point of leaving bruises) and assaulting someone in front of my daughter is not an issue I can talk out with my ex wife who is convinced that she did nothing wrong. Family court seems the logical place to get the issue dealt with and to try to ensure my daughter remains in a safe environment.
Tell me if you had an ex who turned violent after a year of witnessing her gradually worsening temper, would you be willing to leave your children with that ex?
3 people like this
@Myrrdin (3599)
• Canada
22 May 08
When I first read this I assumed you ment that I should be talking it over with my exwife. I was not taking her to a physician to necessarily get counseling, but rather see if counseling was necessary. It was to assess her state of mind. I have briefly discussed the incident with my daughter several times, I have simply told her that her mother made bad choices. But I will be perfectly honest I do not know how to handle this situation and am looking to see what I need to do by seeking professional opinion.
3 people like this
@Myrrdin (3599)
• Canada
22 May 08
Oh and my daughter is confused over what happened, she does not understand why she can't continue to go over to my ex's on the regular schedule, and she is not entirely clear on what occurred. As I stated CAS has suggested I consider counseling for her and were pleased that I had already taken steps to get her into her doctor to discuss the issue of if my daughter needed counseling.
I do apologize for my snappy first reply, I read your reply as something other then it was.
3 people like this
@Hatley (163772)
• Garden Grove, California
22 May 08
You should change doctors as this one is too bent
on your ex wife and not on your daughter. also
it sounds to me like she is not being very
professional and is too sympathetic towards your
ex wife. a professional would not let his or her
own emotions get in the way of her professional
opinion. So I think you need to find a more
competent doctor .
3 people like this
@AnnieOakley1 (5596)
• Canada
23 May 08
Yep, unprofessional, I agree.
I sincerely hope you are able to see a different doctor than your ex's to get a consult on your daughter's needs. I know family doctors are hard to get here. I would change doctors or see another at a walk-in clinic or see if the CAS has one you can take your daughter to for assessment.
That Dr. is seems to be being biased and they are not supposed to be. Unless there are issues about the assault that I am not aware.
The only reference I can find so far in the threads is that she was mad at her boyfriend for not giving her money to get drunk.
2 people like this
@thebeaddoodler (4262)
• Lubbock, Texas
23 May 08
I don't know that I would necessarily call your daughter's doctor incompetent, but any time there is an event such as this it's better for each party to have a separate Dr. I can understand you taking your daughter to a doctor she's familiar with, but since her mother's already been to that Dr. and told her side of the story, the Dr. can't truly be objective. I believe you need an outside, unbiased source to refer her for counseling.
I disagree with the poster who said children were tougher and more resilient than we give them credit for. I used to think "kids are kids. they're resilient and bounce back quicker than adults" From experience I can tell you they're not. They are great at burying unpleasant events in the back of their minds, and getting on with their lives, but at some point those memories fester and cause problems. Get your daughter and yourself counseling. Yourself because you need to know how to deal with her.
1 person likes this
@Myrrdin (3599)
• Canada
23 May 08
I wouldn't call the doctor incompetent, I do call her unprofessional in this one matter.
I have put a call into my social worker with Children's Aid Society to seek advice from her since the doctor obviously overstepped her bounds and forgot to act as the doctor for my daughter, or to refer to to another doctor.
1 person likes this
