Mummymo crumbles!
By mummymo
@mummymo (23706)
May 24, 2008 6:49pm CST
Ok all my friends here know that I adore my kids and only ever want to do the best for them and would never want to hurt them! I do believe that a Mum has to have a good relationship with her children and that she is not there to be there best friend and make life as easy as possible but that she is there to help guide, support and teach her children to ensure their lives are the best they can be not the easiest. Tonight I have blown my own ethos out of the water and I feel like crap! I am not here looking for reassurance or sympathy believe me - I just need to vent and this is the best and safest place for me to come vent knowing my friends will not despise me!
My son has been through a lot and is almost 15. We had a year or 2 of some amazingly spectacular tantrums and rows but they seemed to have settled a lot lately, not as intense nor lasting so long and much less frequent to boot! Til tonight. We were all sitting watching The Eurovision Song contest and I had had enough of the way he was talking to my other half so I told him off big style and I called him a nasty name and of course one thing lead to another and all guns were blazing on both sides. My daughter who was up late was really upset and threw her head back bashing it off the wall. Next thing my son slammed out of the front door! Almost 11pm on a Saturday night and he disappears! I couldn't have chased after him anyway because of my back and leg problems but I also had my daughters head to deal with, luckily it wasn't cut but she does have a huge bump! I was getting really worried and had a bit of a wobbler where I almost passed out which of course upset Niamh more. almost half an hour had passed and we were trying to figure out where to send my other half to go looking for him when the phone rang - It was niall , very upset and in tears at a friends house. His friend came on the phone and we arranged for my other half to pick him up! He is now upstairs asleep in bed, he has apologised and is calm again but I could not discuss it as I was afraid all would kick off again and I or he would lose my temper! We have agreed to discuss things - that is what I get for getting complacent I suppose. I feel awful for losing my temper , for upsetting both my children and for the fact that my son put himself in danger as he felt he couldn't stay in my house! I am sure I won't sleep tonight but I know I have to try. Sorry for taking up space with this vent and please do not feel you have to respond - I just had to get some of this off my chest and this was the only place I could do it!
13 people like this
27 responses
@faith210 (11224)
• Philippines
25 May 08
Hi mummymo! My dear friend, I wanted to respond to you not to give an advice or anything like that. I just want you to know that I will always be here for you to listen to you. We're friends and it will be my happiness to know that I have let you know that you have my shoulder to lean on anytime.
Take Care and God Bless!
@mummymo (23706)
•
25 May 08
Faith you are a lovely and loyal friend sweetheart! I thank you from the bottom of my heart - you have no idea how much that shoulder and your friendship means! I am so sure that you will make a wonderful caring and patient mother one day soon. Love and Hugs xxx
3 people like this
xxx
Always take care and God Bless!
@kamran12 (5526)
• Pakistan
25 May 08
Hello mummymo!:-)
"she is not there to be there best friend and make life as easy as possible but that she is there to help guide, support and teach her children to ensure their lives are the best they can be not the easiest."
You sound like a real, responsible good mom to me, mummymo, and you clearly know your responsibilities. As much as I would like to befriend my children, I wouldn't be able to support anything that may hurt them or their personality. Like you, I think it's parents duty to give their children the best upbringing, not the easiest, the two may come together often but it's not always possible. We, sometimes, have to opt for hard choices in their best interest.
I know for a fact that if my parents haven't thought and, in their sense, done the best rather than easiest, I wouldn't be this successful that I am now. There have been times when I slipped into things that weren't good, but I felt comfortable with them at that time, and my parents were tough on me and now that I think about it, I only thank them for being the guides, protectors and guardians that they are.
I hope it settles down and things eventually come back to normal. Teenage is difficult to handle and the fact that you are still holding is encouraging. I hope Niamh to get better. I know it is difficult for you but I can tell you that it will be fine though it may take some time. Don't stress yourself too much over it. I am glad that you got it off your chest, it's good to vent sometime. I wish you best of luck!:-)
3 people like this
@mummymo (23706)
•
25 May 08
Kamran I cannot imagine that your parents ever had too much trouble with you! lol Yes I know my responsibilities and I do try very hard to make the right decisions but I guess none of us are perfect and being a teenager is a very difficult time! I am 'friends' with my children but my duty to them always comes before that! i think we have made a breakthrough though and I am sure tomorrow we will get back on track although there is a lot of talking to be done first!
I hope I can be there for you when your gorgeous little one is going through this! Thank you Kamran as always , you really do have a beautiful heart! xxx
2 people like this
@mummymo (23706)
•
25 May 08
Kamran I didn't think it was possible but you have just gone even further up in my estimation! How brave you were and I am glad that you followed your principles but I am also very pleased that your parents were strict as I would have hated for anything bad to happen to you! You are very right to be proud of your actions and bravery! xxx
3 people like this
@quiltedblessings (1066)
• United States
25 May 08
oh hun, that stinks. Hang in there. I'm sure many others have been in similar situations. Of course you lost it, you are human after all. There are no real "super moms" we all have lost it at some point.
Glad he got home okay. Hope your daughters head feels better soon.
3 people like this
@mummymo (23706)
•
25 May 08
Thank you for that quiltedblessings and you are right - I don't expect perfection from my children but I do from myself as a mum! I will try and stop stressing - thanks for that reminder! My daughter is doing a lot better - sleeping on an ice pack and with her mum! xxx
2 people like this
@janisspaggiari59 (656)
• United States
25 May 08
Things could always be worse.All will get better.
3 people like this
@sparkofinsanity (20471)
• Regina, Saskatchewan
25 May 08
Mummy - don't beat yourself up too badly. All mothers have been where you are - or will be.
My youngest would make the devil weep in frustration and there have been times when I truly wondered if he had a soul at all. Your son is home safe. He called you and he came home. That speaks VOLUMES to his real feelings, so you have done a lot right along the way in spite of the tempers and fights and other happenings that have made you kick yourself in the butt mentally. Tomorrow, take him outside if the weather is good and talk to him privately. Tell him how you feel, how you felt and how sorry you are for losing it with him. He needs the example set for him now that it's ok to be angry, ok to be wrong and ok to talk about it and give and be forgiven.
I've raised two boys through the stage your's is facing now. They need to know from you that anger can be controlled, outburts forgiven, love is unconditional, that you are always available to help him through his confusion, that even though you are his mum, you are just a person too who makes mistakes and needs forgiveness too. It is important at this age that kids feel connected to their parents because this is the time of their life when the are finally separating their identity from their parents and forging their own, and on a deep level that is a very scary thing and acting out is their way of venting that fear. Am I making sense mummy? The important thing is to let him keep his dignity while letting him know that kind of behaviour on BOTH your parts means you both need to forgive and put it behind you and that your love hasn't changed.
2 people like this
@mummymo (23706)
•
25 May 08
You know Spark you make so much sense! I definitely believe in setting an example and I will be talking with him later on and I will apologise for losing my temper! He is at church right now but we talked a little before he went and he knows I love him - he even told me he loved me! We do talk a LOT but there are times when he just won't let me in - that is just his age I guess! Thanks for the advice , the love and support as always my darling. I don't think we will go outside - I kind of fainted a little after he left last night and am really quite sore - we are sending David and Niamh for a walk instead! xxx
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@mummymo (23706)
•
25 May 08
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post commentnt great spark honey - and I really paid attention to what you said about his dignity - I promise! Things are much better now and the air is well and truly cleared - I know it probably won't be the last time but for now all is well! I used to like taking time out to walk and talk when the weather was up to it I just can't manage that any more sweety! Hugs xxxx
@sparkofinsanity (20471)
• Regina, Saskatchewan
25 May 08
That's good and whatever works for you. I used to take my boys for a walk when we neede this kind of talk. It made them more comfortable to be out in the open and not confined to the atmosphere of the house. Whatever works for you though. And yes it's his age. There will be things that he will keep you distanced from - it's natural. But if the lines of communication are kept open and 'available' to him, eventually they do tell you everything - even though there are some things I've found I'd rather NOT have known! LOL Kids feel rejection very easily these days and the bedrock of home and MOM is very important to them. That's your ace in the hole really. YOU know that, but they don't fully understand it until they become parents themselves. And yet it has to be there, because somewhere deep down, they DO recognize the need for consistency, boundaries and unconditional love.
Good luck with your talk, and go easy on yourself mummy. You are a good mom, a great person and need to give yourself a break as well as your son. Hugs
1 person likes this
@weemam (13372)
•
25 May 08
Sweetheart you are human, you are in constant pain , so please don't beat yourself up . you and Niall love each other to bits , I can see that every day , He is growing up and think he knows everything as they all do at that age , He is a very sensible guy and he knew to phone you when he cooled down a bit . I can imagine how scared you were though , I have said as often to you but I will say it again , " you know where we are " just across the street , take care
xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
@mummymo (23706)
•
25 May 08
Thanks Mam! part of me thought at first he was heading to you but I knew after a few minutes he hadn't as you would have let me know! All is well and sorted now - well at least til next time! I know you are both there ~(well all 3 cos my wee brother would be too) fo all of us and you have no idea how comforting that is to me! Love you xxx
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@SViswan (12051)
• India
3 Aug 08
I know I am a bit late with my response....but reading your post...I remember how I was when I was a teenager and that sounds exactly like the kind of situation we had at home. And I also remember storming out of the house in the middle of the night.
But let me tell you...not once did I hate my mother....I wished that I didn't have to stay with her but I didn't hate her and now I understand her setiments in doing what she did (not that I agree with the way she reacted).
As a parent now, I can understand how you feel. Though my son is too young to be storming out of the house, he storms to his room slamming the door and I can see a teenage me in his behaviour and sometimes I react exactly like my mom (and you) did (though I try hard not to). But I've noticed one thing....my son loves me no matter what and just proves that kids can see the love and affection despite your actions.
I hope by now things are fine with your son and you.
1 person likes this
@SViswan (12051)
• India
19 Aug 08
I'm glad things are fine (that's how it is in loving families:))
I also remember I would answer back and storm out only when I had an argument with my mother and not with anyone else. Though I didn't know it at that time, I now know it's because of the way SHE reacted and I would naturally get defensive.
1 person likes this
@mummymo (23706)
•
19 Aug 08
LOL I can remember the feelings of frustration only too well from when I was a teenager SV but I never reacted the way he does sometimes - I was raised by my Grandparents and I never even raised my voice to them in any way! I do understand the way he reacts sometimes and I try hard not to react the way I did that time! It was very unusual for me to lose it that way and I hope it doesn't happen again - or at least not anytime soon!
All is well with us once again! xxx
@mummymo (23706)
•
19 Aug 08
It is really weird though with my son as he only wants to talk to me about things that are troubling him and he tells me it is great to have a Mum who is so understanding and will try to help him work through anything without taking over but I am the one that makes his temper flare! Oh well I do my best and I try to put myself in his shoes before I react to anything as I do remember how hard it could be and he does have added pressures too. Thanks sweety xx
@Angelwhispers (8978)
• United States
25 May 08
What Me not respond after what I have just been through with my kids? Not on your life Woman. Mo I understand those out burst and family distentions with teenagers very well. The fact is you can not allow them to talk to you or your husband in that kind of manner and it has to be dealt with. The anger to the point of calling our children names is when we lose the control. I know Sugar, I have done it to many times. I think its wonderful that he called to apologize, and in tears, this proves to me how much he loves you, and he knows he was wrong. The younger siblings always seem to be caught in the middle don't they? I want you to know that this gets better. LMAO they get older find their minds again and begin to act like adults. (then you have a whole new set of problems to contend with LOL)
One thing Mo you have to remember that their nervous system is under going changes to, that there are hormones because of their age that are imbalanced. This causes them to act impulsively. This too gets better the older they get...
LMAO am I helping yet? I am going to tell you just like you tell me, Don't go there with the guilt. You are MOM, not perfect but a wonderful loving caring mother, who would give up her own life for those two beautiful children... I love you, I want you to know that. I admire you so very much.
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@mummymo (23706)
•
25 May 08
Of course you are helping - you are you and always do help! I think I just get so angry when we have tried to explain how he is talking to us and he doesn't get it and keeps going and it overwhelms me! He doesn't even realise that he is speaking in that manner - I think I am going to have to tape him so that he realises what we are talking about! Thank you for the wonderful advice sweetheart and for the support and love - where would I be without you! Hugs and love! xxx
@MsTickle (25180)
• Australia
1 Jun 08
I think you are lucky. I think Niall has grown up this last 12 months from what I can read of what you tell us.
Yes, he sounds like he was in the wrong but it was between him and your other half. It sounds like he is a lot like you and he did the only thing he could think of to stop the nonsense. Then he got scared because what he did was a pretty adult thing to do.
I used to get very cranky at my girls when they played u and when I came home from work and found them out I would go off my brain. They took to running away from home at 13 and 12 and I ended up losing them. I had no control over my anger and emotions.
You need to remember mate to try counting to 10 before you say things you shouldn't say. Hugs to you all...Tickle. xxx
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@mummymo (23706)
•
15 Jun 08
Tickle honey I am so sorry - I have no idea how I missed this response! Niall has grown up a lot and I know I was wrong to lose my temper with him but I have apologised as has he and he even said he realised he had pushed both me and the other half beyond the limits - that is indeed maturity and taking responsibility and I was very proud of him! He has had a couple of moments since but this last week to 10 days he has been wonderful and a joy to be around! I am so sorry that things went bad between you and your daughter and I really appreciate your advice tickle! You know I will take heed of it don't you? Hugs to you my darling friend xxxx
1 person likes this
@MsTickle (25180)
• Australia
22 Jun 08
That's ok my dear one. You have lots on your plate. I had noticed that he returned home so I knew all was well. You are all blessed to have each other...there will always be good days and not so good days. You are a wonderful Mum and I hereby give you permission to go off the deep end every now and then...just make sure there is someone around to pull you out. Loving hugs to you all....Tickle xxx
1 person likes this
@mummymo (23706)
•
19 Aug 08
LOL Thanks for that as I feel I may need a life guard to get me out of that deep end when I am there - Thank Goodness weemam is so close by as she always knows how to calm me down and get me out when I am in too deep! Hugs tickle! By the way Niamh is now 7 and niall is 15 - that is how long I have been gone! lol Hugs xxx
@raydene (9871)
• United States
25 May 08
My poor Sweet Darling
As you know I have raised 7 children
and guess how many of the seven have slammed out
of the house after a heated discussion
with Mom?
Yes Doll you guessed it.... SEVEN!
And some of them did it more then once!
You are one of the best Mums ever
and both Niall and Niahm know it
and love you to peices...But Doll
life is not smooth....We have our ups and
downs...Without the ups we might never appreciate
the downs...It will all be ok
He will grow into a wonderful man and someday
come back and tell you how sorry he is that
he worried you back when...And the funny thing is
you will be wisfully looking back and wishing
he a 15 year old again!
I love you Sweets
You are perfect!
Mom
2 people like this
@mummymo (23706)
•
25 May 08
Thanks Mom! You are the first to make me cry - I wish I had your wisdom! I think I was more upset cause Niamh was still up and so upset too - although I was terrified of where Niall was his little sister was breaking her heart cos she knew I felt bad and kept saying " I know you think you are a bad Mum but you aren't - you're the best Mum in the world" and she had a splitting headache!
I guess you are right - without times like this I woouldn't appreciate all the good times - Thanks Mom - Love you dearly! xxx
2 people like this
@beautyqueen26 (16030)
• United States
1 Jun 08
Hi Mummymo! My heart goes out to you. And, I'm not trying to sound like I'm talking down to you. Because I do feel for you and your family. I have a very little child and she throws spectacular tantrums, too. But, she is a baby. I cannot offer you any advice on what to do in a situation like this. Nor, would I.
As a mom, I know that you already have all the answers you need, and they're located in your heart. My best wishes for you and your family. I am sure that things will settle down again and be as normal, very soon. I guess teens and kids go through things like this, while trying to find their own path.
You are a good mom. And, don't let anyone tell you otherwise. I've read many of your posts and your love for your children is very evident. I hope that everyone can see that. Be well and have a bright and beautiful weekend.
1 person likes this
@mummymo (23706)
•
1 Jun 08
I don't think for one minute you would ever talk down to me! I know that you have found the update post on this and am glad you know all has turned out well! I know I was in the wrong for losing my temper too but I guess there are times when we all do the wrong thing! xxx
@beautyqueen26 (16030)
• United States
2 Jun 08
Oh my goodness! Don't even get me started on losing tempers! That's why I'm not the right person to judge. I have a fiery temper. But, I am working on keeping it in check for everyone's sake. Having a temper is just a natural part of being human. I am still working on being more divine!
1 person likes this
@Hatley (163781)
• Garden Grove, California
25 May 08
Mummymo dont feel so bad. we all lose our tempers at
times. and our family members lose theirs then the
'war is on. later everyone feels just awful and '
they all wish that they had stopped before the
war escalated. Seems to me that raising a teenager is
so hard. its been years since my son was in his teens
but we had a few explosions between the two of us
but we managed to sort things out and later became
really good friends too. yes this is a safe place as
we will not dispise you at all but just wish you the
best and maybe even give you a couple of hugs.okay?
2 people like this
@mummymo (23706)
•
25 May 08
Thank you Hatley! Sometimes I need to remember my own advice and realise that I am not perfect! I am so glad that all worked out so well with your son and I am pretty sure it will with mine too - or I will die trying! Those hugs and best wishes are most welcome indeed sweetheart! xxx
@Gollywog (1092)
•
25 May 08
Oh Boy you as well? We are baddies arnt we!!! Kids always know best. lol All 4 of mine have done the old dissapearing act!!??!! It is called frustration, they have to be right, they know best, we have never been young.lol They always come home tail between there legs! You did nothing wrong, it happens we flip at times, kids know we love them to much to be angry for long. All it needs is a sorry from both sides and a chat about why this happened? Get things in the open say what you feel it will clear the air? Parenting is the hardest job!! we are all here for you. Pat xxxx
@mummymo (23706)
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25 May 08
LOL Me too! I am the one who always gets on at people telling them no one is perfect but I HATE to lose my temper over this kind of silly thing and felt so horribly bad - what if something had happened to him and how could I live with the guilt! lol You are right though it is one of those things - next time I will try to stay calm and take the sting out of things but I know it won't happen! All is well now - we have both apologised to each other and talked things through - he even hoovered and tidied up this afternoon without being asked or anything - the whole situation had an upside I suppose! Thanks pat you are wonderful and how did you survive 4 of them? I am already dreading Niamh being at this stage! xxxx
1 person likes this
@mummymo (23706)
•
25 May 08
No you didn't put me in shock honey - I already knew that! lol I am dreading her teenage years already but maybe she won't be as bad as I fear! lol I have always said that is I had my daughter first she would be an only child - much as she is a joy she is also a handful and has been since the day she was born! lol I am attaching a picture of her when she was still in hospital= looks sweet and innocent but she really wasn't! lol xxx
1 person likes this
@Gollywog (1092)
•
25 May 08
Survive? Did I .lol I hate to tell you this you better be sitting down!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Girls are worse than boys, my daughter was a real B***h a madame from the age of 11 she new everything. We just never saw eye to eye untill she was 19 it was a bad time, I still told her I loved her but didnt like her much at times. She would never back down she spent a lot of time with my mother over the 8 yrs we saw each other most days. but thats that? The boys are different if we have a dissagrement they wash up vacum just like your lad, they are much easier? I hope I havent put you in shock. lol. Pat xxxx
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@makingpots (11915)
• United States
29 May 08
Please do not appologize for 'taking up space with this vent'.... that is why we are here. I'm sorry for the difficult evening you endured. I see another message that I am going to read now, hopefully telling us that all is well.
1 person likes this
@mizcash (685)
• Canada
16 Jun 08
These times are hard for kids, they are trying to find themselves and alot og them are lost. The only way they think they have control is to lash out because it's the only control they have. see trhey are between the ages where the are not quite children and they are not yet adults, 2they need a place in their minds where they belong. It's hard on them, but you as a parent has got to stand your grounds and demand respect because when they start this at home they will leave home with the same mentality. Stepparents you can only do your best to be supportive to these kids.
1 person likes this
@mummymo (23706)
•
16 Jun 08
Thanks for this response mizcash - I do know how hard it is to be a teenager , I still remember it but it is so hard sometimes to take the attitude they give out at home. I tend to forget that they lash out at those they love and feel safe around. Thanks for the reminder here mizcash! xxx
@gemini_rose (16264)
•
29 Jun 08
I have only just come across this discussion, and I certainly know what you went through. My son has done that on a couple of occasions, he was the same age too. He is now nearly 17 and still just as volatile, such a worry they are. It always upsets everyone that is the worst thing, my son always apologises too and then usually we leave it til the next day and then talk about it and try to figure it out.
1 person likes this
@mummymo (23706)
•
29 Jun 08
Yep Gemini honey they are a pain these teenage boys aren't they? I have found that giving mine time to calm down works well when that is possible - you know where I am if you need to vent or just a bit of support - you know that right? Love the new avatar by the way! hugs xxx
@gemini_rose (16264)
•
29 Jun 08
I know and thank you, but I find it a bit hard to go to people! But thank you and I will.
Glad you like my new little friend, he is choice of the week, I have decided that Sunday will now be my avatar changing day from now on. Fresh week n all that! xx
1 person likes this
@angelmarie1003 (88)
• United States
25 May 08
Don't worry, mummymo :) Nobody's relationship with their parents/step-parents are perfect. My relationship with my mom when going through puberty was "rocky". It was rocky when I became an adult (18) and I thought I knew everything. It is rocky now that I am also a mother and we disagree on parenting.
My relationship with my son, who is 6, sometimes doesn't go the way it should. And most of all, the relationship between my step-son (12) is very rocky.
So don't beat yourself up too much even though it is hard not to. I completely agree that your a mother not a "best hang around" friend. Mother's are not ment to be best friends with their kids before being "best" parents. But that does not mean that you can not be a best friend :D
Everyone loses their cool, temper, reasoning, or what ever u want to call it. It is human to do it. So when it happens, you wait and calm down and know that the other is calm and apologize for how you or things turned out. And explain/talk about the situation and how you feel. Tell that person how much you love or care and that you just want the best. Make a mental note to try to prevent these events again (which sometimes happens anyway).
Evveryone loses their temper it is how you react afterwards that matters :) Atleast this is how I go about it and most of the time works for me. I have so far learned that being a mother is the hardest job out there but is the most rewarding one too. Take care, Best Wishes, and definately Good Luck :D
1 person likes this
@mummymo (23706)
•
25 May 08
Thank you so much angelmarie! I am glad to say that we have both apologised and talked everything through! I guess it is normal to have these 'rocky' patches - it is just that I have always tried to lead by example and I hate to lose control of myself that way! Mind you I think it is good for him to know that none of us are or should think we are perfect! I really appreciate your support here , thank you again! xxx
@angelmarie1003 (88)
• United States
25 May 08
Oh and if it make you feel better I have lost my temper many times with my mom (puberty what can I say) and she has charged right back. She has even sat on me and made me beg for mercy, don't worry I deserved it LOL! And I love her very much for it. I know- now anyway how hard it was for her and that how guilty she felt when I pushed her to those limits. And now that I am a mother I too have been pushed over my limits and have acted badly. I just had to try to turn it into a positive thing. Of coarse easier said then done but I am sure that when your son sees that you feel bad he will try to listen as well as you.
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