Second chances

Canada
June 4, 2008 12:13pm CST
I'm in a delima. 2 1/2 weeks ago I broke up with my boyfriend. It was something that felt I needed to do and I've been thinking about it for OVER a year. We didn't have a falling out. I just saw an opportunity to end it and took it. I just wasn't happy, I didn't see a future, he is not where I want him to be in his life... We are trying to do the friend thing and I think I can do it but he really wants to work things out and wants to make me happy and said that we've invested too much time to just end it. (we were together 3 1/2 yrs) Part of me wants to get back together and part of me doesn't. I don't know what to do. I think I know what to do and that is to stay single....but I do miss him and wonder if things will change. I don't want to get back with him and then realize that it was a mistake. I don't know what sign I will get or when I will come to my decision. He said I love you this morning and I couldn't even say it back. I haven't said it in a while cause my feelings have changed. I care very much for him but I don't know if I can reach the love again. When we talk I see reason why I ended it and I'm glad I don't have to put up with that any more. But then I miss talking to him. I am so confused. What should I do?
1 person likes this
15 responses
@sk66rc (4257)
• United States
4 Jun 08
You have broken it up for a reason... Not only that, you said when you guys talk, you see the reason why you ended the relationship... If you have any doubts of relationship, then you shouldn't be in that relationship... Doubts will lead to insecurities & those little insecurities will lead you guys into fights & those little fights will unlimately lead you to same reason why you broke up in the first place, the same reason that you see now when you guys talk...
1 person likes this
@sk66rc (4257)
• United States
4 Jun 08
Oh, and those feelings of "missing him"... You guys were together for years... You'll naturally feel that... At this point, I don't think you're really missing him... You said it yourself, you've been thinking about this over a year... You're missing the "idea" of being in a relationship... You ever heard of "being in love with being in love"? Of course you're gonna miss him... That's natural... Being in a relationship will leave you with empty feeling when it's over... You are missing the feeling of "relationship"...
1 person likes this
• Canada
9 Jun 08
Thank you so much sk66rc for your words. I've actually read it over more then once and am coming back to it 5 days later to read it again. You're words reinforced my decision to break up. Thanks again.
• United States
4 Jun 08
I am delaing with simular situations. I been with my husband for 7 years amrried only a year. The thing is, im emotionally tired of all the fighting and when he touches me I feel nothing. But when i tried to leave him, he said all the right things and yes, I miss him alot. I think a biggest fear us women hold is could we find a better person? Will we always be alone? Change is a hard thing especially when you been with someone for so long. It will get easier as time goes on. Go out and do those things that you were held back on being in a relationship, go out and have some fun. Your heart will tell you when you are ready if you ever are, if not another man will sweep you off your feet. I know all this is easier said than done, but with me being in a simular situation I understand the circle of confussion for I am in the same boat. We will figure it all out when it's time, I feel very confident. Good luck Sweetie ;)
1 person likes this
• Canada
9 Jun 08
I feel better that I have someone who is in the same situation as me....not like this is a great situation to be in. But I have someone to relate to. Everything you've said reflects what I feel. To make matters worse everyone I know is getting married and having babies. I guess that is neither here nor there. I don't have no doubt that I can do this.....but for some reason I am still unsure.
@trickiwoo (2702)
• United States
4 Jun 08
If you can't see a future with him, then what's the point of getting back together? People change and feelings change, and it sounds like you're heading in a different direction than he is. I know you want to be friends with him, but it obviously sounds like he's still in love with you. So it's probably better to distance yourself from him for the time being. Let him get over you. Only after both have you have moved on is it possible for the two of you to be friends.
• Canada
4 Jun 08
I was just thinking that maybe things would be different since he knows that I mean business. Even saying that is not really comfortable with me. But it is so true that if I don't see a future then there is no point...(maybe the vision will come back...???no...???) I will try to distance myself more. He is very much still in love with me and I don't like hurting him.
@ravinskye (8242)
• United States
4 Jun 08
stay broken up. if you don't feel you love him then its over. you miss him and feel like you are making a mistake because it is a scary thing to be on your own after such a long time. i had that problem with my ex. we kept breaking up but because we had been together for awhile we got scared and kept getting back together. Finally i had had enough and we stayed broken up. shortly after that i got together with a great guy, who is now my husband of 7 years :) Enjoy being single for awhile and rediscover yourself after being part of a couple for so long. You'll be great :)
1 person likes this
• Canada
4 Jun 08
Talk about postive reinforcement. I actually sat straighter after reading your reply. Thank you very much. I really appreciate it.
@beybes08 (125)
• Philippines
11 Jun 08
I personally think you've fallen out of love. It's not a bad thing, you've just moved on without you knowing it. Missing him is just you missing a part of how you both were together before. You do miss the love you both once had. But that's natural. Everyone misses something important that's gone away. Even if you two were meant together, maybe it's just not now. I don't think you two should get back together YET. You both need time apart. Time to think for yourself, time to socialize and meet other people, time to be with other people, time to know yourself more. He may love you, but he also needs to move on. He should start going out, stop pining and move on. When both of you have realized what you want and still want to get back together then go ahead. Good luck!
• Philippines
5 Jun 08
I believe that to end a relationship, one must have a viable reason and the people involved did everything they can to make the relationship work. I mean EVERYTHING! Cause there is no such thing as falling out of love. There is such a thing as wanting something more and not being happy, like what you are feeling. You made the right decision and of course, there'll be regrets, but hey, you had to make a decision which you know and you feel is right(^^,)
@Valenas (1509)
• United States
5 Jun 08
Maybe this will give him a wakeup call and he will better himself and get himself where he needs to be. Do not completely mark him off your list. Tell him exactly how you feel, and see if he will change himself for you.
@n30wing (4768)
• Philippines
5 Jun 08
It is better to feel love then not feeling it! Love makes you stronger with the pain your having... you only want's the best for your love once and for your self then in the later part you will just still let it go! I believe if it's really yours is your's no matter how many years have passed if it's really for you it will go back...God be with you always to give you strength to know what lies a head... love is patience...If he loves you he will always understand and respect your decision just be firm with it. Space will answer a lot of your questions when you already will to be that way to be single. Loneliness is part of love missing yesterday but waking up a new day! SMILE!
@salonga (27835)
• Philippines
5 Jun 08
Take your time Simoneetah! Give yourself some rest and give your self some time to think things over. You cannot make right decision if you are confused. Help yourself. Only you can really say if you want him back and if you really are in love with him. If you want him back for other reasons then forget about him. Do you know how to pray? then do...ask the Lord to give you the wisdom to know the right decision and how to carry things over! God bless!
• Philippines
5 Jun 08
My dear I truly understand what you feel. But if you have all this confusions going on in you, I think it is much better if you try to to stay away from him for awhile. That would be a challenge for you cause, I know how you misses him and how care about him, but it seems like you are dependent on him and you want to be always around with you. It would absolutely unfair on his part, where he wanted to try to work things out with you and yet you are having doubts about the relationship. You can never work things out if one of you are not sure of what you feel for the other person, it should be equal and balance. You have to think hard on this, and try to sum up things how things will be without him and when you are on your own and when he's there for you. I think you are like to have someone like him who tries to understand you and tries to work things. The problem is not him, it's you.. And you really have to figure it out, and think wise and do the right decision for it. I hope I helped you. =)
@Timothy31 (649)
• United States
5 Jun 08
I would say do what feels right in your heart. If you truly don't love him anymore you should stay broken up. I'm sure its gotta be hard when you have been with someone so long to completely let go but people change things change. From what you've said it think you probably made the correct decision. It sounds like he hasn't grown up to where you need him to be to have a healthy relationship with him. Maybe if he changes in time you can try again if you want but for now i would say stay broken up and see if he puts in effort to change and grow up.
• Philippines
5 Jun 08
Good day. i know it's hard to be in your situation. all your uncertainties. This is the question you have to ask yourself do you still love him if the answer is No, then end it no reason to continue, at least be honest with him rather than love him out of pity, it would never work out. If Yes. then tell him what you want from him and the future that you want with him. Tell him that love can only do as much and there are responsibilities in keeping the relationship as well as marriage when it comes to that. Now ask this of him, If he truly loves you he'll do something about if not enough you'd just be back to ground zero and ask yourself if you're gonna be happy in that situation and weigh it against your love with him, you'll get the answer from there.
@Sherry12 (2475)
• United States
5 Jun 08
I would say as long as you are unsure then you better not get back together. It doesn't sound like things will work out for the two of you together. It would be better to stay broke up now, then to invest another 3 years in the relationship. When you meet the right person, you will know it and you won't have any reason to question if it is a mistake. And, if you are really apart for awhile from your x-boyfriend, you may decide he is the right one. In my experience trying to be friends doesn't work out. It is too hard on both of you. Wishing you the best in whatever you decide. You are the only one who knows what is in your heart.
• United States
5 Jun 08
If you couldn't say you love him, then stay broken up. Happiness is so important in life. We only live once. It took me 6yrs to get out of a bad relationship/Marriage. I kept taking him back over and over and a bazillion chances later I left and now I'm FINALLY happy.
• Isle Of Man
4 Jun 08
an Ex is an Ex for a reason... stick w/ your decision because it took a lot of courage to be able to do what you did... you are a girl who knows what she wants and it so happen that he doesn't fit w/ your definition of the man for you... i don't know how you are faithwise but when that happened to me many moons ago... i held on the idea that God has got a precious gift to give me but i cant grasp it/grab it/have it because my hands are full... i know for a fact that the Lord won't leave me empty handed... my vision was blurred then like how you are feeling now... but i assure you that in time it will be a lot clearer.. you can't see the picture now because you are in it... but just give it time, and the message will unfold in your very eyes... it's normal that you will miss him from time to time because you got used to being in a relationship with him... in time you'll find out that you were inlove with the idea of falling in love... but you are not inlove with the person anymore... you might still care for him but you are not inlove with him and that ok... if you go back to him because you felt guilty of leaving him you'll only be unfair to yourself and to him as well because surely he would want you to come back for the right reason... and the only reason to stay in a relationship is LOVE.