I have to live!

United States
June 5, 2008 7:26am CST
I am planning to leave my husband of 15 years. I scrabbled through my brain so many years aleays feeling sorry for him and only leaving when we have a fight, and then returning after a apology and tears. This is so hard for me but perfect timing because my kids are out of school and I don't have a job that he can come look for me at and I am not going to my family where he can look for me. I have been struggling with this for years of and on always staying for my children. But, I will not be here much longer if I stay stressed every day, worring when he will lose his temper and blame me for life's problems. I'm very scared. Idon't know what will be of me in a month or if $2000.00 will last us a month. but if I don't go now I may be in this abusive relationship until I die. My three girls 13,15,17 know what I go through. I need to prove to them and my self that I am a strong women! Please pray for us! With tears I end this.
8 people like this
21 responses
@Timothy31 (649)
• United States
6 Jun 08
This sounds like a very unhappy and very bad situation for you. If you have the opportunity to finally get out now please do. You don't need to live like that in constant fear of when he will snap next. There are many places that will be able to help you with a place to stay or whatever you may need. So please if you can leave please do so. No woman deserves to be abused like this ever.
2 people like this
@sweetdesign (5142)
• United States
5 Jun 08
I don't know where you are from but there are organizations that can help you with protection and stability and financial resources to help you get out of this relationship. No one should suffer from abuse. I was married for five years to a "man" who used mental and emotional abuse to control me. I got out on my own with my daughter she was 5 at the time. It was hard but I knew it was that or go crazy. You deserve so much better and you can make it on your own.
1 person likes this
• United States
5 Jun 08
Also you want to stop that cycle of abuse before your girls enter into abusive relationships. Daughters tend to date and marry men like thier father. I know this cause I married a cheater and manipulator and my dad is one too. I love him because he is my dad but I don't agree with his ways.
1 person likes this
• United States
5 Jun 08
Your right. I married a man like my father because I thought that was love. He is this way because he cares about me and maybe it is my fault I struggle with that daily that something is wrong with me and not him. My 17 yr old is scared of love but, is loney at the same time I hope I have not ruined her life, because I thought I was doing the right thing.
2 people like this
• United States
5 Jun 08
You might consider councelling for you and your daughters. This could help. Abuse is a vicious cycle that is perpetuated by silence. The more you talk about it the better. I don't think you have ruined any of your children and you are not to blame for the abuse your husband has inflicted upon you it was not done out of love or his caring for you. Abuse is not love and is not caring about someone. You do not abuse the ones you love and care about.
1 person likes this
@laglen (19759)
• United States
5 Jun 08
Go to a women's shelter. You will be safe, and they will help you get your act together, housing, job, food etc.
1 person likes this
@laglen (19759)
• United States
8 Jun 08
Good luck to you and I know it will work out for you!
• United States
5 Jun 08
I fear women's shelter thats why I never went to one. I just think maybe I never was ready to go Fearing the future. I am stronger now. I just hope my strength stays and I don't wimp out.
2 people like this
• Bahamas
5 Jun 08
I'm sorry to hear this, but i understand how you feel. Starting over maybe hard, but staying in an unhealty situation is even harder.{trust me i know} When anyone is in an abusive relationship, not only are they a victim, but any children they have become unwilling victims. Your first priority is to yourself and your girls, i think you are already proving how strong you are by making this discision, as i can imagine that you didn't make it overnight. I will pray that God gives you the strenght to stick to your resolve, and guide you on your way. I wish nothing but brighter days for you and your girls... {{{GOD BLESS.}}}
1 person likes this
• United States
5 Jun 08
Thank you. I am a buddle of fear not noing whats ahead. But you all are helping me stay strong. I'm just sorry it took me 15 yrs to get strong. We have one daughter together 13 yrs old. She is not very open in sharing her feeling. Scared to get hurt I guess.But very sweet and caring. My 17 yr old was 1 1/2 when we got together and I had a one month old when we got together she is now 15 yrs old. They ask me why do I stay and it was always because he makes good money and loves you and buy's you everything you want. But I can't let money get in the way. Me and my girls mental well being has to come first.
1 person likes this
@spalladino (17891)
• United States
5 Jun 08
If you're in an abusive relationship and you have a way to get out then, please, get out. There are many agencies and groups who can help you with your new start so, if you haven't already been in contact with them, call them now and see what they have to offer. Leaving is hard...it's a HUGE step...but it sounds like you really need to and that you have the strength to do it. You're right about what you need to show your daughters, especially if you don't want them to end up in abusive relationships where they're unhappy and scared for years. Show them a strong mom who can stand on her own two feet even if those feet are a little shakey right now. Also, if you're worried that your husband will cause any problems for you after you leave, get a restraining order from the court. It might not stop him from trying to contact you but it will allow the police to step in if necessary and your husband will not be able to sweet talk his way around them like abusers are so often good at doing. Hang in there.
1 person likes this
• United States
5 Jun 08
Thank you! I didn't know it but this is the support I need. I need to hear this. I am so use to doing everything on my own scared that I am bothering others with my problems. But. it is a heavy load to carry on my own.
1 person likes this
@spalladino (17891)
• United States
5 Jun 08
Yes it is so stop doing it. There is help for you and, once you are out and settled into a safe place, you will realize how happy you are and wonder why you didn't do it sooner. You really should get in touch with a support group so you won't feel so alone and so you'll have some personal support when you need it. The hard part is going to be staying strong. If he manages to contact you and uses tears and promises again, don't be fooled this time. He hasn't changed and he won't change but you can change what you're willing to deal with and you're capable of running your own life.
1 person likes this
@Lock_Heed (210)
• United States
6 Jun 08
Never be afraod to start anew with your CLOSEST friends and family. Close are those who support and love you not put you down. Surround yourself with the emotional support you need and get away from all that negativity. Best Wishes to you and your daughters.
1 person likes this
@mykmari_08 (2464)
• Philippines
6 Jun 08
Somehow, I know I can feel your aches being a married woman myself. Though I'd like to discourage you from leaving him; I just can't seem to find enough reason for you to do this. I don't personally know you but my heart goes out with you. What I don't get clearly from your post is if you're going to leave tagging your children along. But I assume that you're not. Sometimes, a woman only discovers her faults on making decisions when she's already in hot water. I just wish you find your own true happiness and that someday, you'll be able to look back at your experiences in life with a smile. Take a lot of care as you are traversing an unfamiliar road. I truly make a silent prayer to God that He keeps you safe always, and more importantly, He guides and protects your daughters. Do remind yourself, however, that even if you're about to leave them, you're still a mom who needs to be with your children. Good luck and always speak with the Lord.
@sid556 (30960)
• United States
6 Jun 08
I am so glad to hear that you are doing this. You CAN do it. It won't be easy but nothing will feel as hard as staying with an abusive person. I left my husband when my girls were very young. That was years ago. It was hard and yes, he did make it very scary and difficult but I stuck with it and got some councelling and help in dealing with him. Financially we struggled but we made it. They are all grown now except for one who is 14 and we are all doing well. There is a lot of help and support out there for you so take advantage of it and please keep us posted. You say you stayed for the kids. I think you should leave for the kids. They deserve a happy home environment and a mom who is not all stressed out. I wish you the very best!!
• United States
6 Jun 08
I was in your shoes about 14 years ago. I lived with a man who could go off on me because of the magazine I was reading! I wont go into the horrors I suffered at the hands of this man but believe me when I tell you there are invisible scars that take a long time to heal. The womens shelter at first may seem like a prison of another kind, you may feel helpless and not in control of your life but it will be better than living in fear and loathing. I wanted to help strengthen you for what you will face so I will not lie to you. If your decision waivers remember your children, children in abuse are 50-60% more likely to be abused or in the case of boys be abusers themselves. Get out now while you can. The single most helpful thing for me was to realize that I did NOT deserve to be treated that way no matter what I had or had not done! I got angry and knew it was never going to be different. I have been married to a wonderful man now for over 9 years and I never ever have to worry about making him mad. There is hope cling to it and message any of us anytime you are scared.
@Hatley (163781)
• Garden Grove, California
29 Jun 08
americanwoman leave him, take your kids and get to a abused womens shelter if need be.your kids need you happy not being abused by their father. I know you are scared but you know you have to get out of this realationship at once.You have to go'as the life you save may well be your ownI willpray for you with all 'my heart and for your three girls too. You are much stronger than you think, tell yourself this and belive. an abusive womens shelter can help you and your kids get on your feet, and getyou a job and place to live. do this at once. please.
@mommyboo (13174)
• United States
29 Jun 08
How are you doing? Did you leave like you said you were going to? There are shelters and other places that will help you and your girls. I myself left an abusive relationship but I had no children yet, so I was able to put away a decent chunk of money since I was working full time. I planned carefully and I left the state. It can be very scary but it is worth it to have that kind of stress gone. Being in fear for your life or worrying about somebody hurting your children is a huge horrible burden. Best of luck to you, this is the best decision you can make.
• Philippines
6 Jun 08
good day..I'm single I don't have any idea about battering woman personally but I do have a chance to watch it on some TV shoes. As a man I can't imagine controlling my fiancee using mental, verbal and physical force so I can't imagine why other man do it. I just hope you'll be ok with your children believe you'll make it through.
1 person likes this
• China
6 Jun 08
I hope you could more grim,because in the world ,we should depend on ourselves first,you could find some simple job firstly! Don;t worry about the fee of like ,the time will deal with all things!
@jephone (118)
• Canada
29 Jun 08
I have the same feeling as you. Stay strong. God bless you.
• Philippines
5 Jun 08
I am so sorry for whats happening to you I believe you can live through this. I have been in a situation similar to yours but I stayed because of the kids. He is a much better person now unlike before but he still doesn't have work but I live through it and still stand strong. I don't know if I can last forever with him which I don't think so but I am trying if I can't bear it anymore I guess I will leave too. We have been together for 16 years now. I do hope you will find you way. Be strong and take care of your children and yourself always. Remember: God will find a way when there seems no way. God bless.
@Grandmaof2 (7579)
• Canada
6 Jun 08
Yes I will pray for you. I pray for everyone on myLot whether they're on my friends list or not. Yes you absolutely do need to show the girls that you're a strong mother, but more importantly it's up to you to show them that it's not OK to live under these conditions because sending them mixed messages can and will have them believing that this is the way people live. You sure don't want them going through this same stuff. I have a hard time telling anyone to leave their husband. I lived through two lousy marriages and it's always eazy for everyone else to say what's best for you but not always so eazy to make the right choice. Because you have children it's even harder I know. God bless and please take care. You are in my daily prayers. (((BIG HUGS)))
@jhenn22 (1242)
• Philippines
6 Jun 08
what a sad story of yours....i guess you made a right decision...its better to go out with a relationship like that..its right that we may love ourselves and protect it from any harm and abusive persons..what you did is right....just trust and hold on God's hand and trust yourself of course im sure you can surpass it..you inspires a lot of women that undergoes like you have experience...im sure your children will understand why you did it...i'll pray for you and your kids....keep on holding God's hand..take care and God bless
@sunkissed (4330)
• United States
5 Jun 08
Americanwoman, I am very sorry for what you are going through right now. But you are doing the right thing, this man will not change, and he is ruining you and your children's lifes.I know because i too was in a very abusive relationship for over 8 years. I had to think long and hard as you are as to how to get our of it. I moved while he was at work one day.It was the best thing I ever did in my life, that man had my sel-estemm so low it was not even funny. I felt like I was walking on egg-shells all the time, never knew when he would go off on me.Every time we had a fight, he would say he was going to change, never happened, he just got worse.I could not do anything right in his eyes.I too did not want to move with friends or family so he could not find me..If he has physicaly abused you, you should get a restraining order, or order of protection against him.I had to get one.I got an apartment.There are womans shelters out there that are very good.They will help you get on your feet. You are making the best move for you and your children.i know for a fact this is very hard for you to do, because it was hard when I did it, but it will be the best thing you ever did in your life..I will be praying for you and your family.God Bless. Stay Strong!!
@snowy22315 (171153)
• United States
5 Jun 08
Wow, Check with social services in your area they may be able to let you know what resources are in your area to help with your situation. If they cant help you your local community mental health center should be able to. Women's centers are also a good place to look. You need to put some planning into this so you can stay gone and not look back.
@Hatley (163781)
• Garden Grove, California
6 Jun 08
american woman you are to be admired and I will pray for you an your three lovely children.you know'what you are doing and its going to workout just great given the help of God and your own intelligence.you owe it to your girls to have a happy life so they can know a happy life also God bless you. and good luck too.