letter from a friend!

I think sometimes what you have to do is be more giving to get more in a relationship. My hubby is a saint in being patient with how much attention I give my computer and my kids. What they need is to take some time away - go somewhere new or maybe out on a date. A job would help her a lot or even a hobby. It sounds like she needs something to keep her equally as occupied. Maybe this blog post I wrote awhile ago could help?? http://www.itmightbelove.com/2008/05/05/rekindle-your-relationship/

I think maybe I would suggest to your friend to arrrange a weekend trip away to break the routine. As sometimes relationships can too easily get stuck in a rut. Maybe if they go away together and spend some quality time together she may not feel so alone and she can feel close to her husband again. I do not think it was very nice of her husband to tell her to get used to it, he sounds a bit insensitive to her needs. If he cared about her, he would not speak to her that way. Maybe she could try using I statements when you do this I feel...... I would like it if you could.......

This is hard, since you really don't know what type of person he is. Has he always been that way, fixing things first than his wife. And if she already knew that he was that type of person than I really don't know what she wants. For being a newly wed. there should be more romance going on. Getting home to his wife would be something more than fixing his PC. What she needs to do, is be frank and let him know exactly what she wants. For her to ask him to give her an hour and explain why he is being tht way. Does he still love her? How long have they been together before they got married? It could be so many different things. and tell her instead of her being at home all day, she should go shopping, find a part time job, do something for herself, this way she won't feel lonely. Getting out of the house would make her feel better. Than maybe her husband will notice that she is gone. You know, maybe she should do the same thing he is doing to her. Use the same treatment.

Hi dear its not that tough situation as u are potraying i can understand her situation and frustration, but do u think it will bring some results, other then fight??, well i am male but i am sure girls know and must know how to distract and attract their husbands, why she is complaining, why dont she use other tactics and slowly and gradually change his routine, he might be really busy and gradual change can be excepted and no notice able. you know 2 things patience is a key and any thing in hurry may result in regrets other, stay their and things will be change and its also urself to do it, no one else will do it for u forward the same to her

hello che, i know this post was been a week old now but i didnt get the chance to see it that early, my bad haha! anyway, i am sorry to hear about your friend you didnt mention how long is the dating process, how much she knows about him as well as how much he knows about her, and how they end up being married and all that. i asked this coz i know there are some people who have married for other reason other than love, but i think hers is not the case. the thing is, you mention that they are newly wed like you so i cannot assume how long is the dating process. i said this coz some couple get used to the sweetness during the dating period and after marriage they realized it is a complete difference and that gives a shock to either or both. i dont know if they spend long enough time before the marriage or they just knew each other by words or online. THOUGH some relationship who are together personally still suffer from that during the marriage period. knowing each other is very important and it will be hard to be there when either dont even really know each other or the other is not giving the other the chance to know them well. i understand that your friend feels alone as she comes from a different country and there could also be a culture shocked in case she havent been away from her country that long. so there are so many factors but despite all this her husband should understand her situation. i dont have an answer for her but i can only share mine. my hubby works a lot and he does loves to read and be on the computer after work., i have learned that it is his personality so i have to respect that BUT i make him know that if i need time then he have to spend time with me and nothing else as i need it to make sure that i am not feeling alone or would rather want to have it with someone else other than him. your friend should approach her hubby and opened up completely and told him at the beginning of the conversation that she is not complaining and just only saying what is in her heart and that is for the betterment of the relationship. if she cannot say everything face to face THEN her other option is write him an email. my hubby and i communicate a lot be it verbally or printed, it helps us understand what we are feeling without worrying that the other will interrupt us. if her hubby is the kind of man who seems to be defensive to whatever she says then it is better to write him an email coz some guys realizes what they are doing wrong as well as right when they have it on their eyes and not on their ears. also, if she needs attention she should let him know upfront BUT make sure that she not gonna nag him for that and just ask in a very sweet manner. i always tell my hubby if i am missing him even if he is at home, or if i want something, i will write an "i love you or i miss you" note to a place where he is always present, then he will ask me why i miss him so that will be the start of the conversation. your friend should not expect a lot and just be who she is, she is married to a foreign guy and some guys even same ethnicity have different personality so she have to understand and learn her hubby and be bale to come up with the solution that will match his personality. i hope she knows her man well that she can communicate with him with no fear. an email is the best start as far as i know coz there will be no confusion and just have straight words on it. my hubby respond to my email a lot though we are together almost 24/7, in such way he can express himself and i can understand him more. also, patience is good BUT if she is hurting often and she sees it is not working out there is no other way than face it. no need to worry about the out come JUST express herself and let her hubby knows what is inside. i guess that is the secret of my relationship, we are not perfect but for almost 5 years we never fight like most couples do and others see us as if we are honeymooners coz we take each time a time to get to know each other more and as we learn the love grows and not just die. nurture is important, and if you cannot talk to your partner how can you nurture such love? wish you all the best as well as her, i hope by now she get the chance to answer all her worries and hope she feels much better. takecare

I wonder why they have that arrangement. If they are newly wed, they must have been spending more time together this time. I am also thinking if the husband do it (fixing or using his pc) for the whole day. Anyway, I think you have to know more about their situation before you could a draw a good and wise advice.

i appreciate your response. that guy must be busy. but he also need to think that when he newly married this person. the lady also wants something in life. work is good but not too much of it.

Hello checapricorn, It's been two months and I hope you already got what you're looking for. Sorry for digging your old discussion *winks* (One of my friends here told me that not all people like us digging their old discussions!) I think I can relate the same problem with my own. I guess as an ordinary human being, we are selfish - we always complain though in fact when we think carefully, there are others whose lives worse than us. My husband and I are very much in love (but...he's not a romantic type of person) but our daily lives is just like a routine. We both working and we only have time when we reach home - that means, at night. When my husband reaches home, he will help me to take care our son like watching TV with him, play with him and etc. while I will go straight to my room, change my working attire, cleaning the house a bit and start to cook for dinner. Right after dinner, my husband will go to his computer room till the time he feels sleepy and it normally means almost or after midnight. As for me, my house chores are never ending till I close my eyes. I complained once to him that I hate the routine and he doesn't really help me at home. He told me that he takes care of the son while I preparing meals and always, always there to help me. He didn't understand why I still complaining and asked me to look at other couple's life as comparison. I thought about it...and yes, he's right! Then, he complained once to me that we don't really spend time together and it's time for me to give a reason - I told him that we need to divide our times fairly between our jobs and family. Whenever I am at home, I try to do my best to always be with him and our son. I can't just sit all night doing nothing. I still need to cook for his dinner, still to attend our son's needs and so on. Since he complained about it, I made a point to spend at least an hour with him before we go sleeping and talk or discuss whatever we need to and sometimes, joke with each other. Dear friend, I think when you get what you really want before, you tend to ask for more!

Hi checapricorn, I feel that he is not doing this purposely, i feel she should help him in his work or ask her to do someting else where she become busy.( ask her to join mylot and other home business) If this doesnt help then i think she should speak to him (not complaining) aboud spending valuable time together. or she should plan a 2 hr or one day outing which will refresh the romance in betweeen them. hope this will help... enjoy :)

tell your friend that she should actually talk to her' husband and communicate just what she has told you,that she feels alone and unappreciated and needs some attention from her own husband, he surely can give up a few minutes of computer time to make his wife feel she is appreciated by him as a fellow human being not just a fixture. Communication in marriage is so very' important and no she doesnt have to get used to it, he has' to have some compassion here.

Oh,I think your husband maybe also don't want to be like that.He just want you two have a better life.I think you should have a babby and find a job,then you will find that your life is very different.

I am not sure about your culture and how loyal a woman must be to her husband. However, I think that you should have her talk to her husband and ask if he could spend more time with her and if not if she could do anything to help him while on the computer researching or fixing the computer. I hope that she gets her answer soon and that her relationship with the husband goes better. Did she live with her husband before marriage?

Maybe this is his routine even before they were married. Tell you friend to try to open up the issue to her husband. He maybe think that your friend wouldn't mind if he continues this routine.

I think your friend and her husband should really take the time to talk about it. Since he married your friend, his duty is not only with his gadgets but with your friend too. For me, he can't just say that your friend should get used to it. He must also adapt to the life that he entered, a married life. My husband was also the same as you friend's. But before things get worse, I talked to him about it. I told him, his responsibility now already includes me and our kids, not his laptop, not his internet. If it's work, he has 8 hours a day to do it in the office, so he shouldn't bring it at home. If it's just recreation, well, are his recreations worth more than us, his family? He should give us part of his time, since we are building a family here. Our kids also need a father. Eventually, my words sunk unto him, and agreed. Your friend needs to talk to her husband and make him understand the importance of family, so that it will never be broken.

There is only so much computer fixing and research one can do. They need to make some time - pick a couple of nights where they spend time together, a good movie, a romantic setting, some of their favorite munchies and just enjoy the night together. Whether he's working on his pc or watching sports on tv every night of the week and basically ignoring the family is causing a problem now and they need to make couple of family nights a weeks. I think she should also find something of interest for the times that he wants to escape on his computer, she needs to find something to occupy that time. They each need their own time but also time together.

If its an at home business hes doing research for, then maybe she can help in some way. Otherwise perhaps they could set up a day off where he only spent his free time with his wife.