One little white pill...

June 12, 2008 6:09am CST
Today I am to start an anti-depression and anti-anxiety medicine. As I sit here looking at this little white pill I'm wondering how my life came to this point. I had a great childhood and up until a year ago a very blessed life. What was the changing moment that has led to this? The pivotal word or action that caused me to require a pill designed to help me cope with life. And why can't I remember it? Why can't I figure out how to make it all better? By taking this medicine, it almost feels like admitting defeat. That I am unable to deal and accept life and living for what it is. It as though it's putting a band-aid emotions. I never thought I would be at this point for I've always prided myself on being strong and having high expectations of myself. The one others looked up to and asked my opinion or view. The person who silently gets their name known for good reasons and gets the job done. Now it seems I can't even decide which movie to watch. I guess its time to swallow one little white pill...to change a life. BrokenAngel
3 people like this
16 responses
@Tetchie (2933)
• Australia
12 Jun 08
There are allot of therapies available out there. I hope you keep looking and find the one that will help you get through this emotional wave. It does not have to be a permanent condition. Most people go through difficulties in their life. Many people fall into a slump that's not easy to get out of. Some never get out of them. Others learn by the challenges these difficulties bring and become stronger and more compassionate as a result. Anxiety or fear is a part of life, for some it is the incentive to act, for others it consumes and makes them weak. And depression has all sorts of reasons for being there. Usually it's the inability to cope with an intensity of emotion and because of that inability to cope there is the failure mechanism. I hope you are not on medication for too long. Find that person who is going to get you moving forward again. Life is not easy for many people. Remember strong successful amazing people are those that overcome adversity. This is only a hurdle for you and not a sentence.
2 people like this
@dpk262006 (56764)
• Delhi, India
12 Jun 08
You have written quite a lot about your perceptions. But I would say please do not feel disheartened or disappointed, help of pill may prove furitful for you in the long run. You may please try to optimistic and try to be positive in your chain of thoughts and please do not lose your self-confidence or self-belief. I am sure when you can write such a nice posts about yourself and your grief, you can achieve positive results with positive thinking. Keep participating in discussions of your interests so that you could keep yourself busy and could take a leaf from others' experiences. Best wishes and best of luck to you.
• United States
13 Jun 08
Can I ask if there was a traumam in your life? You sound so much like me that it is scary. I am not on anything still just trying to get through the rough patches. I think mine is rooted in the fact that my life is not what I want it to be? There has been TONS of drama and trauma in my life but I have dealt with those. Im not sure how I got to where I am is the thing. I am a mother of five children who are all about grown and I am still living paycheck to paycheck! What the ..&@&^$(! I hope you get to feeling better I know I did not have any advice but sometimes knowing someone else is dealing tooo helps.
13 Jun 08
Oh my gosh! I cannot believe all of the wonderful heartfelt responses from everyone! Thank you so very much! Unfortunately my first day on Lexapro didn't go so well. It left me feeling very sleepy and somewhat hazy and I think it blurred my vision a little but that could've been allergies. It was a little disenchanting to say the least! Last night I signed in here to check if I had any responses - I almost cried because for once - I didn't feel so alone and scared. Just knowing that there are other people who have the same feelings...well I'm not even sure how to describe the feeling of knowing that there are people who care who don't even know me. I fell asleep before I could respond to everyone but I promise that tonight and tomorrow I will. I'm going to try taking the magic pill this evening before going to bed to see if that curbs the side effects a little so my mind will be clearer. Thank you again! BrokenAngel
1 person likes this
@fluffysue (1463)
• United States
12 Jun 08
Depression is an illness much like any other illness you would take medication for. You wouldn't question yourself for taking antibiotics for an infection, would you? I understand why you might feel you are admitting defeat, but you are not. If the medication helps, and I hope it does, then you are taking a good step towards getting your life back. Hopefully you are also seeing a therapist or someone who can help you work out your problems, so you will not always need to take the medications, but do not feel bad about it by any means.
1 person likes this
@rmuxagirl (7559)
• United States
12 Jun 08
Broken, I have been there too, and am still there. I take a little white pill for anxiety and I wonder what has lead me to have have panic attacks at the drop of a hat. Like you I had a very blessed life and cannot remember a point that leads to this. Taking the meds isn't defeat, its like taking control and saying depression and anxiety won't rule our lives anymore. It's an attempt to make things better.
1 person likes this
@di1159 (1580)
• United States
12 Jun 08
I read your post and got goose bumps. It was deja vu for me and it sounds like something I would have written a few years ago. My little pills though were yellow and I hated taking them, but I will admit that I did start feeling better. What you are experiencing is not uncommon or anything to feel defeated about. As humans, we all process circumstances and emotions in many ways and some of us can handle more than others, but everyone and I mean EVERYONE has a breaking point. It the natural human flaw the creator gave us. You seem to be a perfectionist type of person which puts even more pressure on you. Remember God sometimes puts us on our back so that we can look upward and reach out for help. You are not alone and have nothing to be ashamed of. With time (and medication) you will bounce back to your old self and have a new lease on life. Depression is a disease and anyone can get sick. You will start to feel better soon and gradually get back into your comfort zone. In the meantime, I will pray for you and look forward to reading posts about your progress soon! This is a great place to let your feelings out and it's a fantastic support group!
12 Jun 08
If the pill works the take it. It is not a sign of weakness to get help when you need it. I wish you luck in beating your depression!
1 person likes this
• United States
12 Jun 08
I have been depressed most of my life. I have read just about every self help book made and I have been on almost every antidepressant. What I have discovered on this path is that I feel depressed when I feel like I don't have much control over my life. I give that control to others. I do know how to overcome the depression and that is by all positive self talk and to block out the negative. Meditation and doing things occasionally for myself. I am in a slump right now that is more difficult to overcome than before but I know that if I keep up with the positive self talk and meditation I will be back to feeling good soon. Hang in there!
12 Jun 08
I know how You feel I am on paxill I never wanted to be on it. I like You felt I can deal with life I don't need to take something to make Me cope but I figured what's the worst that can happen You still are coping with life but if this pill can make things alittle easier why not. For Me I was very depressed because My fiancee left Me and My Son We were supposed to wed the next summer but She left My 5mnth old Son and I pretty quickly and without remorse so I was a mess I tried to take too many pills and tried to slash my wrist it was bad I was an utter Zombie all the while I was trying to put on a show when it came to My Son Kids are no where near stupid so I coould see He knew His Daddy was hurting so I said got to try something. Two years later on paxill I feel good,doing good at My Job. My Son's happy and I finally said goodbye to the past. Try it it will help You feel better in what ever strains You. It won't make You feel like a zombie in fact it will make You feel very uplifted and ready to do all that is needed. So give it a try and I wish You best of luck.
1 person likes this
@nixxi76 (3192)
• Canada
12 Jun 08
Hi BrokenAngel, If that pill works, then take it. Anxiety is one of the worst illnesses that someone has to deal with. It's beyond the feeling of being scared and more like frightening. I"m very glad that you are getting help for it. I inherited anxiety and panic disorder back when I was 25 yrs old. It's been 8 years since I've had it and I've gone through a roller coaster of emotions. I actually remember my first panic attack and that's an experience I"ll never be able to forget! My cousin began having them as well, and my best advice I could give to her because she didn't want the meds for it.. is just don't fight the attacks, let them pass. Another way of healing for me was to talk to a counselor and I would see her everyweek. She told me something that I"m going to pass onto you so the next time the panic/anxiety attack happens you can use this exercise. As soon as you feel the walls closing in do this... Name 5 things you see in the room Name 5 sounds you hear in the room Name 5 things you feel right now - feelings doesn't mean panic it means you feel your feet touching the ground, your shirt touching your arm, your hair touching your face and so on. Keep repeating the see, hear and feel steps until it's gone. I also started writing a journal about how I was doing everyday. My emotions and what I did. It sort of kept track of when, where and what I was doing when my attacks come on. I really hope these exercises work for you if you decide to try them. Good luck and have a great day Angel
@jimbomuso (950)
12 Jun 08
Hi Broken angel ! You've opened with quite a lot of stuff, and seem to be trying to find a reason. If you found one ..would it make you feel better? and sometimes their isn't one. you've prided yourself on your strength, so I'd gently remind you that no-one and I mean no-one is indestructible in body or spirit. I'd also suggest that you take charge of your well being by at least trying the treatment/s until you do feel a quantifible difference, you could help this by keeping a thoughts and feelings journal or diary.by doing these things you will be able to record and look back at your progress. I myself have been through various treatments for my anxiety disorder and other diffuculties that I wont go into here, and I still see a occupational therapist. One other thing that might help is talking to someone you trust. I know I sound a bit holier than thou but I've been battling or coping(do you see how much difference one word can make) with my condition for the last 8 years. Take care and remember "a journey of a thousand miles begins with one step"
1 person likes this
@jairgirl (2877)
• United States
14 Jun 08
hello brokenangel, sorry to hear about all this, i know what it is like coz i have grown up having depression problem but i feel lucky that i cannot afford any blue or white pill then to help me out so i just count on myself in times likes this. the best thing that helps me is that i think of all the kids and or animals and or humans who are suffering and dont have a better life compared to mine. with all those thoughts it makes me see the beauty despite the blackness around me. i know it is not easy but each time i think of one person and or animal it gives me a strength as well as extra hope that my situation is not as worst as the others and if there is someone who needs to feel down it would be them coz they have more reason to feel it. i try to go to places that will make me feel better like home for the aged, puppy mills, orphanage and the likes coz i see the beauty of life through them coz i see them smile, i hear them laugh, i hear all the hopes they are giving and sharing despite their situation and that makes me realize that my life is far better than them and here i am crying and feeling devastated about something when there are someone worst out there who still love life. btw, i know someone who uses a blue pill and decided not to take it after 20 years of taking it as it leads to a lot of sickness and more physical problem as well as emotional problem in the end. it makes me happy that he is over with that now coz he is feeling much better and he can share a life with the others without feeling that he is left behind. also, i would like to suggest to you that it will be best if you dont set any expectations nor feel guilty about something that you dont reach or do coz you are only human we all do the same thing, what matters is you are learning and moving on despite all this. the fact that you are here and scribbling your feelings will help a lot, maybe try to write more when you are feeling down and write all your emotions and just be true and be honest to yourself and hopefully it can make a difference. i wish you all the best in life, hope you feel better soon - i know it is easier said than done but if others can do it, there will always be hope in your case as well as the others. takecare
• United States
14 Jun 08
I had the same thought when I was fifteen years old. I had to be in two different types of medication just to make it through the day. And it was a horrible feeling. I felt like I was admitting defeat too. I had no control when I was on the stuff. I was in a vegetable like state. And it was scary. So I kow what you're going through. I'm currently thinking about trying some more pills again. I want to get rid of this before I'm any older.
@cher8558 (425)
• Canada
13 Jun 08
Hi friend, My heart goes out to you. I have been on anti-depressants for at least 20 years. We must thank God that we have these medications to take because before there were any meds, people went through hell. At least the doctors and scientists have figured out that it is indeed a chemical imbalance in our brain. It is nothing to be ashamed of, nor anything you can control yourself. As we get older, our bodies change in so many ways, especially women. Our hormones are so up and down with childbirth and periods and just day to day life. Just be happy that you have something to ease the pain because imagine how you would feel if you didn't have this option and had to deal with this with nothing. It doesn't mean you are weak. It means you are strong enough to ask for the help that you need. Take care my love. All will be okay. Cheryl
@4ofmyown (1119)
• United States
13 Jun 08
I too, take medication for depression and anxiety. When I started taking meds I thought I can't believe I am actually having to take medication to get me through a day and di the "what is wrong with me that I can't handle all of this on my own?"....For me, it is genetics. I have 4 siblings we all take something. My mom takes medication and her father took medication. I accept that it is in my genes. Plus, I feel better...alot better. I am happy and able to do things that I didn't realize I wasn't doing before. If you were diabetic and had to take insulin, you would do it to survive!!! This medication is the same thing. Don't feel down about it, be thankful that there is medication that helps you feel better.
@zaleweq (29)
• Poland
12 Jun 08
Hi BrokenAngel Well I take pills too for depression and I have schizophrenia. Enjoy that you don't have this problem. Yo can succeed and be cured but I will be taking pills untill the end of my life. I don't complain I just say that you can be happy even having depression. I take my life as it is and enjoy it as much as I can. I have learned one thing: don't complain yourself.