how would you tell an adopted child about the truth that they're not yours?

Malaysia
June 12, 2008 10:30am CST
okey i dont know why,i feel like asking this kind of question since i heard my friend's experience about being adopted.she's an adopted child,but she has been told by the family that she's only an adopted child when she was young so that she can accept things as it is.but sometimes there's also some cases where the child hardly can't accept the truth and blaming the guardians because didnt tell them earlier whilst the guardians didnt do so because they thought that the child were still young and that wasn't the appropriate time. i would like to ask,if you were to adopting child;how would you tell them the truth and what is the suitable time to tell them?
3 people like this
14 responses
@SomeCowgirl (32254)
• United States
12 Jun 08
I am a bit confused, your friend was told at a young age and accepted that she was adopted? The way you wrote it, it seems as if your friend whom was adopted was told that she was only an adopted child thus of no importance to them. If I adopted a child, I would gauge their reactions to things and see how well they take them. I would not put them in a situation where they could get hurt, but I would gauge reactions to their friend's comments or comments made by other family members. If I felt the child could take it, I Would tell them... If not, I Would wait until I felt it was appropriate to tell them.
• Malaysia
12 Jun 08
what i mean is she has been told the truth when she was still young that she is just and adopted child,thats what the family decided to do for the sake of not hurting her feeling and avoiding the cases like i have stated above where child can't accept the truth baceause the family wasn't tell about it earlier :) thanks for sharing :)
1 person likes this
• Malaysia
12 Jun 08
correction; "...just an adopted child"
1 person likes this
@SomeCowgirl (32254)
• United States
12 Jun 08
It still seems as if your friend was told in a mean way, as if she has "adopted" has no real family within the family. Thanks for your clarification.
13 Jun 08
i am a adopted chiid,actually i knew it from the first place,my parents didn't tell me anything about my birth parents,but i heard all the things from my ralatives,kind of sad,i alway wodering what my birth parents like,in the end it turnd out my birth parents is my uncle and auntie,we never addmit,my parents tell me the whole adopted things when i went to the college,i told them i already know,i don't care,beause they love me so much,they give me everythings,that's it.
@maryannemax (12168)
• Sweden
13 Jun 08
yup. that's the right attitude. just be thankful for every good thing that is happening in your life. be thankful for your parents even if they gave you away. they are still the ones who gave life to you. and be thankful that someone adopted you and gave you a better future. anne
@ladysakurax (1163)
• Canada
12 Jun 08
The truth is still the truth. I think the sooner the better. It's just something important someone should know. What about if the parents and the adopted child has different colors? I don't think the lie is going to last long. If you want to know, just try to put yourself in the shoes of that adopted child and think of what you want to know. As long as you give affection and love, the child will understand thta her/his parents's love is real. But to tell the truth at a young age is less painful than being older. As we get older, we think alot...more in depth.
• Malaysia
13 Jun 08
agree with you. :)
• United States
12 Jun 08
The TRUTH is not that an adopted child is not theirs! When you adopt a child, that child becomes part of the family...how is that NOT belonging? (not yours- were the words you used)....We are planning on adopting and our children will know that they are ours...we have biological children and will will be adding to our family through adoption...they will be no less our children and treated no differently. They will know that they were very much wanted, are very much loved and we wanted them so much that we CHOSE them....there will be in no way any discussion of the children not being "ours".
• Malaysia
13 Jun 08
what i mean is not biologically yours. sorry if its confusing.thanks for sharing anyway :)
@sk66rc (4257)
• United States
12 Jun 08
Two things... Once a child is adopted, he/she is YOURS... I believe child should be told that he/she is adopted as early as possible... I know few adopted cases myself & they were told since there were very young... They way it was told was different in each case, but they were told at a very young age... If it was me adopting a child, I'd buy a child's book about being adopted, yes they exist, & read it with him/her every so often...
• Malaysia
12 Jun 08
owh there's kind of book seriously? good way anyway,i believe child can slowly understand what is adopting all about and easy for them to know the truth :) thanks for sharing.
@ieeko89 (1054)
• Malaysia
13 Jun 08
Wow, I don't know whether i have the guts to tell someone that actually they're an adopted child;| I could feel their feelings. Urgh, But i think, the suitable time to tell them is when they're in high school. I think they're matured enough to think and understand. Altho it's quite difficult to accept it, somehow they'll understand. That's just my opinion;)
• Philippines
13 Jun 08
good day. For me it depends if the child needed to know like we know the child's true parents and siblings then I will tell so that our child can accept us and them as early as possible and to know and understand the situation. On the other hand if the child's identity is lost like we don't know the child's parents or the child's roots where h e/she came from then I think there's really no need telling him/her, she might get confused and lost and possibly angry.
@maryannemax (12168)
• Sweden
13 Jun 08
if i were to adopt a child, i will surely let him know the earliest time possible. in that case, i won't be hiding any secrets from him about his life. it's up to the kid to do what he wants to do after. he can rather be thankful for me adopting him and giving him a better future or be angry about the truth of being adopted. it's only him who can choose what he wants to do with his life after knowing the truth. truth hurts sometimes but the truth will always set us free. anne
13 Jun 08
I don't really see the problem with being adopted. If I learned that I was adopted I'd want nothing to do with my biological parents for giving me up.
@Madona1 (2098)
• Gibraltar
13 Jun 08
For the adoption issue, personally I think it depends on the individual. If a child is smart and has an open-minded, I think the adoptive parents can gradually make him/her aware that s(he) was adopted. This has to be done very slowly to monitor how much a child can understand and take in. For a child who has a quiet, private and sensitive character, I won’t suggest to let him/her to aware his/her background earlier due to the situation may get worse. They may get it wrongly and misunderstand the whole issue. There are too many factors (physiologic, surrounding, behaviour and personality etc.) need to be taken into account. However, when an adoptive child is getting older and has received an education, which will give him/her a better understanding why their birth parents had to give them away; how to accept the past and face the fact etc. After all, I think the most important is the adoptive parents. If they can give their adoptive children a warm, comfortable and love life, they will be happy and adapt the life as normal as any other children.
• China
13 Jun 08
hey, i am still a young boy in campus. but in that case, i shall prefer to tell my adopted child the fact when they are adults or over 18.
@lexus54 (3575)
• Singapore
13 Jun 08
I think anyone who is adopted should be told about the adoption once they are adult enough to understand the situation and accept things. I am aware not all parents want to reveal this to their adopted children for personal reasons. I think mostly, it is because they don't want any complications in the relationship. If they had adopted the child at a very young age or right after birth, then it is only a biological factor that links the child to his/her real parents, and nothing much more. I know a couple who couldn't have children, and they decided to adopt two children, one boy and one girl. These children became theirs within days after birth. I think the birth certificates named them as the parents and the original parents gave an undertaking that they will not claim these children in the future. This couple has taken very good care of this boy and girl for the past 20 years, and showered them with parental love and care like any other responsible parents. They have decided that they will leave things as such and didn't feel the need to reveal to them about the adoption. In this case, I respect their decision and don't think there is any harm even if the truth is not divulged.
@Hatley (164216)
• Garden Grove, California
13 Jun 08
adindaanne I think the earlier the better so that its not a horrendous shock. to tell a half grown' child that he or she is adopted can cause a lot 'of pain and hurt whereas if the adoptee parents 'tell a little child that out of all the children that were up for adoption they choose her because she was so special that would take a lot of sting out of things and help the process a long surely.
• United States
13 Jun 08
I come from experience I was up for adoption right after I was born along with my two older siblings. The adoption didnt go thru until i was 4 years old. I knew all along that i was adopted. I know when i was growing up i told my parents that i wanted to meet my biological parents and all they did was come back with negative information which made me want to meet them even more to find out if it was really true or if they were making it up. Finally when i turned 18yrs old i met my birth parents and they were right but i had to make sure that i was letting my parents know just because i wanted to meet my birth parents that they were my real parents because they raised me and loved me as there own. It is every parents hardest decision is to tell the child or not but it is up to each parent.