My Mother
By jasmine0728
@jasmine0728 (677)
United States
June 19, 2008 9:38pm CST
I have always had a difficult relationship with my mother.When I was growing up I never knew she loved me.I know that now because I understand her better.But as a child she never hugged us,or kissed us,or said I love you.She worked hard to support us.There were 6 of us so I can say that was not an easy thing for her to do.She was very cold,and when I was the last kid left home,I was 13.She didn't speak to me at all from the time I was 15 til I was 18.I mean she would answer me if I asked her a direct question,but only a word or two and then it was obvious I was bugging her so I gave up.
As an adult she doesn't talk to me much at all,I have to initiate the phone calls.I have lived where I am for 5 years she has never been here,and only called me maybe 3 times and that was just returning my phone call.
Now she has cancer,she is going through chemo,I call and ask how she is doing.She always says she is fine.I offer to go help her,bring her to a doctors appointment.She says no your sister is here ,she is taking me.I want her to let me help her and she won't.When I ask my sister how she is doing she says mom isn't doing well at all the chemo is knocking her on her butt.
I don't get it,I don't know why she won't let me help.Of her six kids she only speaks to 3 of us at all,by her choice.Of the three she does speak to my sister is the one she visits,and calls ,not my brother and I.She only talks to us when we call her,and then makes a lame excuse why she has to get off the phone.
Anyone have any ideas?I want to have some kind of a better relationship with her,and I would like o help her.It bothers me that she won't let me.
Jas
2 people like this
7 responses
@honeydew82174 (1720)
• United States
20 Jun 08
I would stop trying to figure out why she wont call and just go over there as much as possible. It's not like she is going to tell you to go home after you get there. If she has cancer there might not be much time left. If you are over there she will not turn you down to help. Some people have a hard time excepting help. Some people are not motherly or were never meant to be mothers.
@jasmine0728 (677)
• United States
20 Jun 08
I am sorry,I just noticed I didn't mention I do go there ,not very often but I do go.About once a month,I make sure my sister is there though because it is so uncomfortable when it is just my mother and I because I am serious she won't talk.I asked her once if I did anything to cause her to not like me and she said no.I will say I was a difficult child,but so were all my brothers and sisters.I clean her bathroom for her while I am there,she won't let me touch her kitchen because she says I won't put anything where it goes.
Thank you for your response.
Jas
@honeydew82174 (1720)
• United States
20 Jun 08
Ask her straight out what you did to deseve this. Tell her you need to make peace with it in your own mind. Tell her you forgive her for being this way but she needs to talk to resolve the issue.
1 person likes this
@doubloonie (535)
• Canada
21 Jun 08
Some parents just have a harder time showing affection than others. Perhaps there are characteristics in your 3 siblings that she can more easily relate to. But that doesn't mean you are any less her child and that she loves you any less. She might just have a harder time connecting to you. Anyway, you are an adult now and you should feel confident enough to just talk to your mom like an adult and tell her outright that even though you feel you don't have the same relationship with her that she has with your other siblings you still love her. You don't need to hear an answer from her. She may not even know how to respond. But it's good to spend the rest of the time with her knowing that she knows you love her no matter what. Time is precious and now is the time to spend it with your mother. Think of it as you have been given the chance to bond/spend time with her when others sometimes are taken from our lives unexpectedly. Good luck and regards.
1 person likes this
@jasmine0728 (677)
• United States
22 Jun 08
Thank you for this response.You make sense,it is true that at least I am able to see my mom and try to have a relationship with her.I am sure there are many people out there who have lost their mother and wish they could see her.I tell my mom I love her any time I hang up the phone,or I leave her house,she never says it back,but at least I know I have said it.I make sure to always say it to my daughter,so she will never be left to wonder.
Thanks,
Jas
@lucy02 (5015)
• United States
2 Jul 08
I don't understand why some mothers are that way but they are. My heart goes out to you. My mom is similar in the way she treats me. She has had problems with mental illness. Could that be the case with your mom? Mom always made it clear she preferred my brother and as remember told me so once when I was a small child. Just yesterday she said some things very hurtful to me. I try to let it go but I just can't. She is on her meds and sometimes I don't think its the mental illness. Sometimes I think its just her being mean. I hope your mother comes around but if she doesn't then don't blame yourself. You can't change other people. I'm so glad you are showing affection to your daughter.
@sid556 (30953)
• United States
6 Sep 08
Go to her. don't ask...just go and be there for her. As a single mom of 4, I know how hard it is raising kids alone...you never have time for anything other than to just do what needs doing. It is very difficult to fit in quality time. I'm sure with 6 of you, your mom was under a ton of pressure. You also get strong doing that role. I don't know your mom, but for me it would be really really hard to ask any of my kids for help. It wouldn't feel right. If I was in that spot, I'd probably turn to the oldest one ...not sure why but I know I would.
@jasmine0728 (677)
• United States
6 Sep 08
Your response would make sense as to why she acted that way years ago but it doesn't explain why she acts as she does now.However since I began this discussion I have gone to her.I couldn't be the kid that didn't help her mother when she was sick.I go there twice a week now,I do her laundry on Saturdays and clean her house and do her shopping on Wednesday.Our relationship is slightly better,she does not know how to show love I understand that,I also know not to get on certain topics of conversation.It is no longer important to me for her to explain how or why she treated me the way she did,she is in denial because it makes it easier for her.I do still have effects of what she did by not being there while I was growing up but that is for me to deal with,making her admit it or explain it is no longer important to me.I see how fragile she has become with age and cancer and all I feel is love for her,and a need to help her even if she resents me doing it.I took care of my father when he was dying.he was only 55 and didn't deserve my help at all he was a lousy father,but I still took care of him my mother wasn't that bad in the grand scheme of things she never physical abused me she was just distant and depressed,I understand that now.
Jas
@ketybhagat (4123)
• India
2 Jul 08
Some parents cannot show their true feelings. They hide their love for fear of being rebuked. She must have had a hard time with the six mouths to feed and then as teenagers we all say and do thngs we do not mean to or hurt. She may be very sensitive and hence she has hidden in her shell all these years. You go and meet her. Tell her you love her and want to help her out and then just walk out of the room. Let her chew on this, for she may feel uncomfortable at this show of emotion from your side. Hold her hands when you tell her and look her in the eyes. Let her see the sincerity in them. There re time when we are cut off from a person for days and hence do not know what to talk about. Its natural. Take it slowly one step at a time. good luck jas.
1 person likes this
@lemayan (188)
• Germany
17 Sep 08
dont give up on her she is your mother and always will be despite her shortcommings, remember she is on chemo and you never know with cancer, it might be fatal you really dont want to remember her as the person you could never call or talk to, do your part as a child,then let her play hers, if she doesnt atleast you have a clear conscience
