What Do You Do, When Your Kids Are Starting To Lie?

@eihdra (3116)
Philippines
June 22, 2008 11:48am CST
I hate liars and now my kid is learning to lie. He was not supposed to play and run around in school because he was recently sick and just got well. He said he didn't play but when I called the school and asked a teacher, she said, he did. I was so mad because ever since he was small, we always tell him that it was wrong to lie. I don't know what prompted him to say that but then maybe he got scared because he knew I would be so mad if he disobeyed. I don't want him to lie again, specially to me. Is there anyway to prevent him to lie again in the future? What am I to say to make him realize that lying is a sin?
3 people like this
17 responses
@Hatley (164171)
• Garden Grove, California
22 Jun 08
/we all fudge the truth at times and he is just learning the world around him now. Be patient and explain that he will never be punished for telling the truth so he does' not have to fear being spanked or struck because he disobeyed and played. he is just a little boy and you have to explain why he has to keep still so he will not get sick again.this will tell him you will not punish him for telling the truth.
22 Jun 08
I think your going over the top! Everyone, even yourself has lied once in your life. I understand your angry, and its not good to lie. I believe he had his reasons for lying, maybe he just had too play. Just talk to him, and find his reason for lying, or bending the truth. Wish you all the best!! Thanks B
@Debs_place (10524)
• United States
22 Jun 08
I had a rule in our house, you do something bad you get punished. The punishment for lying was much more severe. For example - child breaks a lamp for playing ball in house. punishment - no tv one week Child lies about how lamp got broken - 2 weeks no tv. Make the punishment for lying more painful
2 people like this
@avidwhit (1492)
• Mexico
22 Jun 08
Let him know that as long as he tells the truth he you will never be mad at him for the things he does. This is a hard thing in American and alot of other societies with people who want to be accepted. Let him know that you love him whatever. I think about the story I read about the aztecs they supposedly didnt lie. They where incouraged from one to pursue their individual gifts. Its very hard when a person is not treated or accepted as an individual. This is very hard? Ask him how he felt when he lied and if this is the way he wants to feel in the future.
@Valenas (1509)
• United States
22 Jun 08
I am laughing because I am so amused, and I am trying not to sound like I am making fun of you, because I am not. Part of you should feel proud that your son is learning to lie, because it is showing a great advancement in his intelligence. The fact that he is starting to lie shows that he is taking a giant step forward in understanding the world around him, and that he is thinking abstractly, something that is unique in human beings and separates them from the rest of the animal species. I understand how you feel, though, and lying is not always a good thing. But, everybody lies, and lies are usually unavoidable. You need to work with your son to help him realize when it is ESPECIALLY wrong to lie. You cannot tell him to never lie, because that is something that, as a human being, he could never live up to; people not only lie to others, but sometimes to themselves. You need to make him understand that lying to you about playing outside is jeopardizing his health, and that is something that he should never lie about. If he would have gotten sick again, you would have needed to know why he got sick. I really hope that you are able to work with your son and make things better. Just know that everyone lies, and it is unavoidable, so do not hold that against your son, he is just a human being like the rest of us.
• United States
22 Jun 08
Hello Valenas, I am in agreement with you. Although it's not a good thing that a child would lie, sometimes they lie and don't even realize that they are lying. In America, we call them little white lies. And they are more annoying than harmful. If my child told me a white lie, then I would be upset too. But I think that I could understand the mind of a child to know that she is immature and still learning the right ways to behave. Children often exaggerate and tell fables. They do not mean to be bad. It just happens. They may know that they have done wrong, but they don't want to be punished for doing so. They figure that the punishment for a lie would be less than the punishment for disobedience. I grew up that way. I knew that I would be beat with a belt if I disobeyed. So, I learned to tell good lies. What's the purpose of telling the truth if you know that you will only be punished for it. Now that I am an adult, I do not believe in lies, either. But as I am merely human, I do slip up. The other day, I accidentally told a little white lie to my child. She asked for cookies and without thinking, I opened my mouth and told her that I had lost them. She smiled, accepted my answer and left the room to play with her dolls. She didn't ask for cookies again. But, she did eat her dinner. When I confessed my little white lie on MyLot, other members were mad at me, saying that all lies are wrong. They got so irate and said they would never lie to their own child. I'm a new parent, so I tried out some of the advice given to me. I tried telling the absolute truth the next time the situation arose. So, the next time she asked for cookies, I told her that she could not have any until after she ate food. I offered no excuse or reason, only that she was required to eat dinner first. She threw the worst tantrum that she has ever thrown. She screamed and kicked and refused to be bargained with. This went on for over two hours. She refused to eat dinner, too. She would have none of it and I could do nothing to persuade her otherwise. I will go back to my way of telling a little white lie to spare her the emotional upset. If I can sugar coat the truth to her advantage, then I will do so. Her tantrum caused much distress and crying in our house. Everyone was arguing and we all went to bed unhappy. While I don't condone lying. I do understand that there is a time and place.
2 people like this
@eihdra (3116)
• Philippines
4 Jul 08
hi valenas....i know that we are but human so we commit mistakes such as lying..But, God made us the highest among all the species because He knows that eventually we can avoid lying and committing other mistakes. If I can help my son to stop lying at an early age, the better. If I can make him understand, that he can always tell the truth to me without me judging him and punishing him the worst way, the better person he will be someday. If I condone his lies now and just let it pass, he will become accustomed to lying and he will grow up thinking that even a white lie couldn't hurt. It hurts me when he lies and he needs to understand that it's killing me everytime he does it. He may be just a kid now, but isn't it only proper to start teaching them what is right and wrong at an early age? But, I do appreciate your insight and you got me thinking..thanks..
@miamilady (4923)
• United States
23 Jun 08
First let me start by saying I was a little taken aback by your first sentence. "I hate liars and now my kid is learning to lie." Does that mean you're going to hate your kid? I expect the answer is no. I also want to point out that you talking about lying being a "sin". In my opinion "hating" should be a sin too, if it isn't. I was taught at an early age that the word HATE was pretty bad. I'm not here to lecture you, but I had to share my thoughts on that. Now, I'll just say that unfortunately kids do lie. I don't think lying is such a great thing. I used to have some really high standards about that too. I had some pretty strict standards about what lying was. For example if you bought a TV for 312.00 and told someone that you got it for 300.00 you were lying. Anyway. I'm not so rigid in my opinions about lying anymore. I just think there are way too many grey areas when it comes to lying. For example. Did you tell your kid that there IS a Santa Clause? Cuz if you did. Then you LIED. So your kid isn't the only liar. If you didn't teach him about the Santa lie, then you are one of the very few. But, even so, I don't think there are many people who can say the have NEVER lied. Now, on to answer what I've told my kids about lying. I've told them it's wrong. I've told them that when people catch you in a lie, they won't know when to trust you anymore. I've told them that I don't know what to believe since I have caught them in lies. Do my kids still lie? Unfortunately, sometimes they do. I'm not sure how you convince someone that lying is wrong. I think it is something that just comes to them or it doesn't. Good luck with your child. I hope that regardless of what he does that you will let him know that you love him no matter what.
1 person likes this
@eihdra (3116)
• Philippines
4 Jul 08
yeah, I realized that what I said wasn't good. I didn't say that to my kid because i know what he'll feel.I am very careful in what I say whenever my kids are around. I don't want them to use it on me or to other people. I should have said "I hate lies". I used to lie when I was a kid. Every adult member of the family was so busy with their lives, there's no one to teach me what is right and wrong. I grew up lying, because I thought that would create some attention. There are many sad stories in my life and I don't want my kids to suffer the same. Eversince I became a parent and a wife, believe me, I never lied. I realized all to soon that if I continue lying, they would be gone too. So, I told my son the truth about the "Santa Claus" thing. I am sometimes tempted to lie but what happened to me when I was a kid always pop up in my head, so I do tell the truth. Even if sometimes it hurts. But, if I explain it extensively, they understand.. I always tell my son that I love him no matter what he does. But, I also tell him, that I intend to help him to be a better person than me someday.. Thanks for your "thoughts". It kinda cut me deep, but,I know sometimes, other people see what one cannot..thanks again..
@gemini_rose (16268)
22 Jun 08
Children hate being told off by parents, by anyone. They hate the upset, the punishment, the feeling that they have done wrong and people will be disappointed in them. So they learn that if they lie then they will not get into trouble, and everything will stay happy. Not realising that it actually makes the situation worse. If I try to get my children to admit lies by saying they will be punished then the lies just get worse, for me what works with mine is sitting down with them as young child to adult and talking to them about it, and I tell them that if they tell me the truth then they will not get into trouble. I find that they are more willing to talk to me and tell me the truth as they do not feel under threat. Of course depending on the severity of the lie then I cannot always tell them that they will not be in trouble but so far it works and they tell me and they tell me why they lie. I am not sure that anyone can ever stop the lying it is just part of being a child, it is just a case of trying to get them out of it before it becomes a habit, my eldest son cannot hold a conversation without lying, he is 16 and we have told him he will end up in big trouble.
1 person likes this
@eihdra (3116)
• Philippines
4 Jul 08
hi there..That's precisely my point. I don't want it to become a habit. In the case of my kid, I know him very well. So, if i don't put a stop to his white lies, he will grow up still lying... But, I do agree with you in the sitting down part..That's what I have been doing now and it works for us too.. thanks for the advice...
@kerriannc (4280)
• Jamaica
22 Jun 08
Are you believing the teacher over your child. Give him the benefit of the doubt right. There are alot of children at that school and this teacher is under pressure how are you sure that the teacher is telling the truth. Your son can be telling the truth. You are the one who grow him and you should know when your child is being truthful and when he is telling a lie. Now if your child is telling the truth and you beat him, the next time he will be afraid to tell you anything because he is going to say that you doesn't believe him and takes him for a liar. Parents who does not know their children does this alot. My father used to beat me because he does not know me. After beating me then he will tell my mother what he is beating me for, after hearing Mama will makes him know that it was not me but the older one because I am not the type to do what cause the beating. Our names are close and people tends to mix us up. In ending just remember that it is not everything someone tells you about your child you should believe. You are the one growing him up. Observe him and you will know when he is telling a lie yes or no. All the best.
@eihdra (3116)
• Philippines
4 Jul 08
I wouldn't just believe anyone. This has been going on for quite awhile now. I have to the school and talked to all the teachers and some of his schoolmates and they have said the same thing. It's a small school of about thirty students with 7 teachers. And, once I caught him in the act when I myself picked him up...Of course, I know my kid very well and most specially when he lies. I dont beat him up and even if he has done the worst thing, beating him up will only make things worst. I have decided to take away some of his privileges like tv and video games, which I know he loves doing. But thanks anyway for your response..
@Ravenladyj (22920)
• United States
22 Jun 08
I have zero tolerance for liars too...In fact that is one of the WORST things you could bring around me (lies and liars) and when it comes to my kids, family and friends, lying to me is probably the WORST thing one could do.. My son tried to start on that road a few yrs back and how I put a stop to it is by punishing him and MAKING SURE he (and his sister) understood JUST HOW BAD lying is.....
1 person likes this
@eihdra (3116)
• Philippines
4 Jul 08
May I ask how did you punish them?
• Philippines
23 Jun 08
The only thing I could is that.. kids lie because they don't want to be punish. If we parents will not show to them that we are angry and punish them when they disobey, this kids will not sort to lying. My kids lie when I threat them to be punish, but when I explain to them in a calm voice, letting them know that I am not angry that I understand them.. they will really be the one to tell me what happens and what they did. Then I would just tell them that when they get sick because they disobey, they have to suffer it. I might not be able to help them. I will explain to them in a calm manner. Kids really love to play and they must be given a chance to do it but.. with caution and condition.
1 person likes this
• India
23 Jun 08
Well, I don't have kids yet, but If I find my kids started to lie, I initially think of the reason why they would lie and what they're lying for. I think well before acting upon them. If the reason appears genuine and if I feel my reaction can act upon them severely, I just get back. If I feel they're making any escape plans, I'll teach them a lesson of good habits and Good behavior.
1 person likes this
@Margajoe (4718)
• Germany
23 Jun 08
Hi, You cannot say anything to prevent that from happening in the future. Just give him the example by always being honest yourself. Then when he lies, ask him if Mommy has ever lied to him. That would get him thinking. Getting angry will not help either. Rather let him see that you are disappointed, because you want the family to be honest to each other. This way you don't have to punish him, because he will start thinking about what you said. He will feel bad that he hurt you. And remember, for children it is normal to try to see how far they can get away with things. That makes him a healthy kid. Did you ever lie? Did you ever tell him Santa Claus was real? You now what I mean... Take care, Margajoe
1 person likes this
• United States
23 Jun 08
um dont go over bord it will make the situation stressfull talk to the chile be there with & for him & his benifit.
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@cream97 (29152)
• United States
22 Jun 08
I will tell them that they are not to lie.. This is very wrong. I will indeed give them the 411 on this..
1 person likes this
@jdyrj777 (6541)
• United States
22 Jun 08
I have always taught my children that it is better to tell the truth bacause if i catch you lying the punishment would be much worse. They usually fessed up what they did even if they were in the wrong. Scripture study could help. Satin is the father of the lie.
@irishidid (8712)
• United States
22 Jun 08
Punishing a child for telling the truth isn't going to convince them to tell the truth.
@jdyrj777 (6541)
• United States
23 Jun 08
Well, if they are already going to be punished for the crime and iof i find out they lied they will get more or worse punishment they usually fuss up with the truth right off the bat. A least it worked with my kids.
1 person likes this
@irishidid (8712)
• United States
22 Jun 08
First off kids bounce back from illness faster than adults. If he felt well enough to play then he was. Secondly, don't sweat the small stuff. He wasn't playing with matches or putting himself or others in danger. He was playing. Thirdly, I always told my kids if they were ever in trouble to tell me. If you lie to me I can't help you. Don't lay the sin guilt on his head. That's a horrible thing to do to a child.
@eihdra (3116)
• Philippines
4 Jul 08
hi. thanks for responding.. First off, I didn't mention anything about "sin" to my son because he would just be confused and it's a BIG word to use on a kid, I'm well aware of that..My son is a special kid with slight physical disabilities. Last year, when the same thing happened, he got sick again after playing, and it took him 2 weeks to recuperate the second time..I am just protecting him because I dont wanna see him sick always.
@qhwater (393)
• China
7 Jul 08
well, if my child lied, i will tell him that he did thing wrong and will be punished. such as, will give him the tools he likes playing, not buy food he likes eating, etc. and also tell some story about how bad it is be to lie. and often talk with him when i am free. i will listen to him whatever he tell me just like friends.