what do i have to do with my 7 year old boy

Philippines
June 24, 2008 11:58am CST
i've been a single mom for several years. i still gave my ex the right to see my son even if he seldom has the time to do so. now i'm happily married and my husband has always been there for my son, bringing him to school, bonding time and all. but every time we discipline him, he threatens to leave and stay with his dad who doesn't really care about him. i really don't know what to do. i feel bad every time he does that but i don't show it. all i can tell him is to call his dad so he could come and take him (i know he won't). any advice? thank you guys.
1 person likes this
13 responses
• Philippines
24 Jun 08
Actually, what you told him is correct. Let him do what he wants and he will realize that he would rather stay with you than with his dad. If you will prevent him in doing so, the more he will insist in do so.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
24 Jun 08
yes that's what i thought. if i show him i'm afraid of letting him go to his dad, the more he'll threaten in leaving. Thank you very much for your response.
• United States
25 Jun 08
Oh man, this is a hrd one for sure. because if the father doesnt really care you cant let him go with the father to prove a point. i would just be like. okay you want to leave? see ya.. you go pack and ill have someoem come for ya. even if you have to go as far as packing for him:P.. start putting his clothes in a thingy. and have it waiitng by the door. has he ever been to his dads house?. or does his dad just come to your place to visit?. because mabey he has been there and is comfterble with the setting so it would be harder for him to give in because hes confterble there. now if he never. he might give in more easily because of the nervouseness of going somwere hes never been:P.
• Philippines
25 Jun 08
couple of years ago, yeah, he's been there. but his dad lets him watch tv all day or play computer games and no study time. he can do whatever he wants when he's with his dad and my ex doesn't care if it's gonna be good for my son or not. that is why my son thinks he's more comfy there. well i can't let him do what he wants, i've got rules.
• China
25 Jun 08
your son is only a children ,so you need to pardon him and he do not know that his dad do not care about him if you tell him the truth he must be sad.but you do not know how to deal with it.you can tell him that his dad has had a new family and he has many things to do ,so he will not come to see him
• United States
25 Jun 08
I am not sure where you are from, but your posting has really hit a nerve. Almost every state in the US has visitation guidelines. They are pretty structured and uniform throughout the US. For you to say that you "gave him the right" is WRONG. Being the child's father gives him the right to see "your" son. The courts "enforce" his rights. Just because you have remarried doesn't mean your son doesn't still have a father. Like it or not you do not get to dictate the life your ex leads. Why does he not have the time? How do you know he doesn't care about him? As a mother, it is your responsibility to assure that your son loves his father and to encourage the father to be an active part of his son's life. Remember - just because you and your ex split up/divorced doesn't mean your son had a choice in that. If you weren't in some way shape or form giving your son the impression that you did not like/respect his father, or that it would be some horrible thing for him to live there he would not be able to use it as a threat against you - especially NOT at 7. Think about changing YOUR behavior before you wonder what to do with your son.
• Philippines
25 Jun 08
i live in the Philippines, no rules for giving rights or whatsoever specially when you're not married. i did not want him to hate his dad or think he's not there for him that is why i have asked him to spend time with his son which he hasn't done in years now. i let my son go to his place and spend several days there. every time he comes home, he's got some attitude i couldn't take. he can't spend too much time watching tv or playing computer games like what his dad lets him do. i've got rules in my house and i won't let him do what he wants specially if it's no good. every time he tells me he wants to call his dad so they could spend time together, i let him. but guess what, his dad always says he's not available and is always busy: he's not even working. i know coz his mom told me so. my heart breaks every time my son feels his dad was never there. it's been years, i've had enough proof he doesn't care. you don't even want to know what happened lately. but thanks for your response.
• Canada
25 Jun 08
Hi, my heart goes out to you. I was also a single parent for a period of time and I've made some mistakes along the way. My advice to you would be everytime he threatens you(cause that's what he's doing)I would say, in a very calm but stern voice- Ok I'll help you pack- and only say it once- start packing his stuff. He will soon realize that his ploy isn't working and guaranteed he won't want to move. Children are so smart, they pick up on our body language and facial expressions. Just try this and let me know how this works.
• Philippines
25 Jun 08
i've done that. i've watched him wait outside the door for approximately 30 minutes. i told him i'd call his dad to get him, but of cors his dad said he can't, he was too busy hanging out. my son got tired of waiting, he knocked at the door and said he'd rather stay. every time he calls his dad, he was never available. never even visited him in my place. i have called him to at least bring his son to the mall but all he could say is "i will if i have time" my son probably got tired of calling coz every time i tell him to do so, he'd say, "i know he's not there" im just wondering why, out of the blue, when he's in trouble, he'd threaten to leave and be with his dad.
@m0mmy0f03 (364)
• United States
25 Jun 08
Hello Babysunget, Your husband sounds like a great guy. There are a lot of guys out there that wouldn't do that. So cong to him. I think you need to explain to your son that he is his sept father and what rules and the way he discipline him you both have agree apon and that he can't leave because he doesn't want to get in trouble. That he cant always run from his problems and if he did something wrong then he has do be disciplined. I think they are at that age they try to test you. Don't let him under mind his step father are you guys will always have problems. I would sit down with your husband and disuse what the rules are and what happens when they get broke then disuse it with your son while your husband is there so you son sees that you guys are in this together and you both agree with it. Hopefully that will help that he sees that you guys are in it together and and its not just coming from him. I hope for the best of luck to your family.
• Philippines
25 Jun 08
yes my husband is a great guy. he spends time with my son the way real fathers do. he brings him to school every morning, gives him food for lunch and takes him home. we talk to him like a grown up every time he's in trouble, sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. we think of some alternatives on how to discipline him.
• Philippines
25 Jun 08
I think you're in a very difficult situation. I can feel that you love your son very much and it hurt you so bad when he threatens you that he will leave and stay with his dad. I believe that even if he do so, he will come back again to you because by only then that he will realize how much you care and love him. Eventually, he will be more mature and will be more able to understand the situation. Also, try to talk to him and tell him that youre hurt everytime he threatens you. Its not good that he always do that to you. Hope everything will be okay.
• Philippines
25 Jun 08
he can do anything with his dad. he doesn't discipline him that's why he likes staying with him. a couple of years ago, i let him sleepover with his dad and every time he comes home, he's got this attitude. i won't let him grow up to be a bad kid so i have to discipline him. and yes, i do love my son so much..
• Philippines
25 Jun 08
kids are very sensitive and sometimes do things that they don't really understand. so if that will happen, juts let it be, because for sure he wont do it. Just show him that you care about him a lot and you both love him, for sure, when the times comes, he will definitely stay with you. :)
• Philippines
25 Jun 08
yes they really are. we're doing our very best to show him we care and we love him but we have to discipline him as well, he just doesn't like the idea of getting punished for being unruly sometimes.
25 Jun 08
This is a tough one ive got three daughters and although the youngest is 17 i still get this when anything doesnt go her way, its tough but ive learnt its best to let them if they want they soon find out the grass isnt as green as they think, its painful but in the long run your relationship will be strenghtened, i would say though that perhaps letting him make that decision to go to dads is best leaving until their about 12 as before that their really to young to make that decision and the consequences of it. As you say never let him see that this perturbes you in any way or he will use this as a weapon knowing full well it will upset you. Good luck.!
• Philippines
25 Jun 08
I act as if it's really ok for him to leave. i've thought of really letting him go only if his dad would take care of him. but it hurts like hell every time he says he'll leave.
@imsilver (1667)
• Canada
25 Jun 08
I know it's easier for me to say than for you to do but you really have to just try not to take it personally. Kids are smart; the figure out quickly how to push our buttons, how to hurt us to get their way. I bet if his dad ever did show up to take him (yeah, like that'd happen - i'm in the same situation), he'd change his tune pretty quickly. My son went through a phase where he'd say that to me quite often (or threaten me with gramma), it hurt the first few times but then I caught on and when he's yell it at me, I'd just tell him to go start packing while I made the phone calls. He didn't like that too much and stopped threatening me... well.. with that one at least... LOL
• Philippines
25 Jun 08
everytime i tell him to pack his things, he'd really do it. good thing his dad never came to get him. coz it will really drive me crazy.
@dmcollie (217)
• United States
24 Jun 08
My 8 year old is the same situation. It tears me up when she says that she wants to move in with her father. And dont you just hate it when they do go on visits they come back with attitudes from *ell. Honey I wish I could say there is a solution but I dont think there is. You try to punish them by taking things away and she has a temper tantrum. But it has only gotten worse from Christmas till now. So she know she has me over a barrel. Good luck with your boy and I will be watching this discussion cause If your ex is anything like mine you cant talk to him about the situation.
• Philippines
25 Jun 08
yeah, it tears me up as well. First time it happened i really cried. i think he was only 4 or 5. i told him to get his stuff and he did, he stayed outside waiting for his dad who never came. (good thing) I have informed him about the situation and he talked to his son but of course he didn't understand.
@ebsharer (5515)
• United States
24 Jun 08
I have to ask you - Do you back down or not punish him because of his "threats"? If so you need to stop doing that because he is playing you! You need to call a family meeting. You, your husband and you son need to sit down and talk. Do this when he is not already in trouble. Do it during a family dinner or set a date a week in advance. You need to explain to him - he is NOT going to live with his dad and if he says it when given a punishment it will be doubled. Then actully act on it. Don't just say it do it! Be sure your ex won't come get him before you offer that option! I would tell your ex what is going on and explain to him that if for some reason your son calls what to say - if he is a decent person he will do what you as the primary parent askes.
• Philippines
24 Jun 08
i just tell him to call his dad so he could come and get him. but every time he calls, his dad would always say no. i've tried talking to my son about it with my husband, and he would say sorry and says he will stay. but every time he gets in trouble, he threatens to leave. like it's his routine. it happened again today at the mall, we were telling him to sit properly while eating. he has done it again. i left him there, hid somewhere near to see what he will do, then he found me and held my hand. i'm just wondering why he'd say that, he's not even close to his dad, they never really spend time together.
@vera5d (4006)
• United States
9 Jul 08
i was single mom for a good while too before meeting my hubby. I am lucky, my son loves his step dad and doesn't really care too much for his biological dad, so when he's bad I threaten i will make him go live there. That makes me sad too though, since I know his dad wouldn't ever let them happen. I think at 7 he probably doesn't understand a lot of things. Maybe it is the way you are disciplining? I have had some success with my son by only rewarding positive behavior and ignoring the negative. It is a constant struggle though because at his dad's he's allowed to do pretty much everything and here he is always wanting to test his boundaries.