Domestic Abuse

United States
June 28, 2008 2:14pm CST
Well just wanted to update all the folks who read my life story... Its been quite a while since I have posted so Ill update everyone. For 10 years I was with a abuser emmotional and physical. I stayed because I thought somehow it was all my fault(as victims often do) I have 4 children and he raised my oldest two as his and we had 2 together. I thought I could not leave because I could not take care of four children alone that I couldnt live with out him because in all actuaility I loved him. What made this big change was the fact that the abuse started being aimed at my two oldest daughters, it started as mean name calling and insults then it became physical it started as wrestling but in the wrestling came them getting hurt and then finally my oldest being slapped in her face and thrown off the couch that caused a bruise for weeks and made it hard for her to even sit. I knew that as time would go on that we needed to leave as they get older I feared he would hurt them more and more so as a mother I made the decison to leave. Was it hard? Yes was it difficult to tell him I was leaving oh yes and of course he blamed the oldest children and all the people that I knew. I was secluded no friends no family and when a friend would stop over it was during his work hours or he would act awful in front of them. I did get a protective order and I tried to reason with him in getting my things he stole a pistol from me when I went back to get it it was mysteriously gone and I had to file a police report showing it was stolen. It hurts that he wont admit his wrong doings and he cant vist his 2 children until he takes the class for battered wives and domestic violence classes its been near 30 days and he has yet to sign up for the classes and Im so hurt that he cant see the kids until those are completed and yet he wont take them. Is it admission of guilt he fears or does he truly believe that women are supposed to be treated this way? Does he love his children so little that he cant do what the courts want so he can spend time with them? Doies he not want to see them grow up? What is sad is the way he berates them and asks so many questions and tells them the awful mean stuff about me.... Can you stop the abuse yes you can you have to be brave have everything ready a new bank account money, a debit card, friends, if possible a cell phone and get out. Material can be replaced so dont worry about it. You and your kids are what matters God didnt give us children to be used as punching bags and malicous sound boards and he didnt create women to be less than men but to be equal and to be able to live and be happy just as well and no matter what abuse is not right it doesnt matter the situation.My ex would look at me and say if you just shut up it wouldnt happen" you know God gave us all voices and if you cant give your oppinion about stuff then there is a breakdown in communication and when your oppinion infuriates the one you loive to the point they want to harm you then that is where control and abuse are starting.
2 people like this
10 responses
@jonesy123 (3948)
• United States
28 Jun 08
How wonderful for you to get out of that situation. I does take a lot of courage. Good for you! As to him not signing up for the classes. Well, that would be like admitting that he did something wrong, that he is an abuser. He may truely believe that this is a way to treat his spouse or any woman for that matter, or he just couldn't help himself. In the first case, he is probably thinking that you are crazy and that signing up for the classes will jsut proof your case. Why take a class, if you did nothing wrong? Just to see one's kids? That woman will come to her senses and come crawling back to me any day now begging for foregiveness on her knees. Now if he just couldn't help himself, then there is a chance for him to eventually admit to it and go to the classes and really learn from his mistakes. And just as it is difficult for a victim to get out of the abusive situation, to realize that it is not their fault and that they can live without the abuser, it is difficult for the abuser in that case to admit fault, to realize that it is wrong, to realize that there are ways to change that behavior. Either way, I don't think that right now you want those two around him. He'll eventually beat them, too. But what he first will try is to brainwash them into believing that you are a terrible mother and you are intentionally keeping them away from him. You are full of lies, things like that. Just as you already noticed anyway. I don't think that he doesn't love them. Deep down he probably does. But he seems to think he owns them, and you. And he treats you guys accordingly. And his thinking of being right and the 'master' forces the decision of not wanting to take the necessary steps to see his 'property'. He may think he shouldn't have to and is proving a point. Nobody can live without him anyway, and eventually everybody will just come back to him. And the judge is wrong, too, btw. The mindset of an abuser is a strange one. Now I don't know this guy, but I do know that some abusers can work themselves into such a funk and the world is against me attitude that they will take with force what they think is theirs. Please stay safe and protect all four of your kids! Your family will be in my prayers.
1 person likes this
• United States
30 Jun 08
Thanks for your words of wisdom and encouragement
@chej18 (915)
• United States
28 Jun 08
Hi smurfettewv, Ohhh my..Reading your discussions makes me feel so bad... I feel bad becouse i hate guy like that.I am so glad that it is over abusing you and your kids.That you get away w/ it.i dont understand how they can do that to thier wife and own kids.It has to be that he is going to protect his kids and his wife from harm not harm them.That is why he is a father and a husband.How could he do that it is so beyond unhuman. He though that if he marry you and he got his kid in his own that he own you and his kid so it ok w/ him to hurt them.And being a husband and father giving him the right to make you and her kids pouching bag.I hate him..Sorry i carried away w/ this kind of thing.he is hurting your kids not only physically but also emotionally.I hope that they can forget all of these after a while.Dont let you ex be near w/ your kids.He is insane psyco..Sorry for the words i am using about your ex.I cant help it.he doesnt have any respect at all.He thinks that he can just hurt you like that. I know somebody who got the same problem.He beated his wife up and his kids.She got 7 kids w/ him.She always talked my mother about it.If his husband beated her she stay w/ us for one day and cried,because she doesnt want her kids see her like that i feel so bad about her.I feel so sad that she doesnt have couarage to do it.She always said to my mother they have kids,7 kids and she doesnt know where she is going to stay if she leave him.She said she doesnt have job to feed all his kids.Life in Philippines is really hard but if i am that situations i rather choose to have a very hard life that beating up everyday by my husband.She took her 14 years to realized that she can do it.When his husband hurt even the 6 years old son of her.And she left him.When i hearded the news i was so happy.I am happy that my friend cannot be hurt anymore by her father.I hate man like him becouse i saw how difficult it is to her(i am friend of her one daugther).I saw her everyday crying and afraid to go home becouse she scared what his father do to her.She said she been tie in her feet and hang upside down.And while she hang upside down.His father slapped him,beated her.Its really hurable..It is nice that you open these kind of situation that the other woman who have same situation can have courage to do the same thing as you do.Sorry for my english i am not that very good w/ it! I am glad you leave him and its over for you that days..I wish you all the best smurfettewv and also your kids..Goodluck..and take care.. Greetings from Che!
• United States
30 Jun 08
Thank you Che
@bluemars (952)
• Australia
29 Jun 08
That is a very bad situation to be in but that is why sometimes we need to make decisions that is not only good for us but also good for the children lives if they are involved. It is very hard for the person being abused but it is so stressful and hurtful to those that are watching the abuse happening too ie. the children. My mother tried leaving so many times and always came back to the same situation for the sake of the kids but in the end she left with the kids for the sake of the kids and for the sake of a better life with some normalcy. I was so happy when she made that choice and I look up to her for that strength that she found inside of herself. I think many good things can come out of a bad situation and many women don't even realise the power that they have inside of them. They only need to look deeper and take hold of it. No one should ever really have to suffer like that and my heart goes out to women and children who are subjected to it and I pray they leave that situation behind and seek the help they need to rebuild a better life.
@guybrush (4658)
• Australia
29 Jun 08
I feel so sad for you, smurfettewv. Nobody deserves to be treated that way, and I know you must have felt so hurt for your children in this situation. I'm so glad you were brave and had the courage to take your children and leave - and I really hope there is a bright and happy future for you all. Your ex is the one losing out if he won't go to the classes and repair his relationship with his children. I wish you all the best.
@TessWhite (3146)
• United States
29 Jun 08
I am so glad that you got out of that kind of a situation. I know how you feel, I was in an abusive relationship for almost 22 years. Mine was mostly mental abuse though. My ex would scream and shout at me, call me every name in the book and raise his fist threatening to hit me. Occasionally I got a slap or a shove as well. Truthfully I never thought of it being my fault - I just didn't recognize that I was in an acutal abusive marriage. Finally I had enough. One day when he was mistreating me and shoved me, I shoved back. When he tried to slap me I hit back. He was so shocked he walked out. I laughed til I cried, then I divorced him. I'm no longer afraid of him, and now don't know why I ever was in the first place. I hope all people who are in such a situation will get out of it - and fast! I'm glad you are moving on without that kind of lifestyle.
@pinks17 (2192)
• Philippines
29 Jun 08
about being abused by your spouse..well at first you'll think that you need to stay for the sake of your children bec. you don't want them to grow up and end up having a broken family.Been there done that but I decided before i lose my sanity i have to make a decision for myself and what would be best for all.I had to leave my husband and my kids because i can't take my ex husband having an affair and him hitting me of doing nothing i can't think of why he has to hit me.my kids suffered.they hear me cry all the time,I sometimes hit them(pyschologically the reason why we accidentally hit our children..its bec. we can't fight back our husbands and our rage feeling or angry feelings will burst out and without us knowing it we hurt our children bec.we feel powerful and strong coz they can't fight back and bec. we can't fight back to our husbands)Women right now should not allow men to hit them and they have to know their rights as a women and as a wife.and don't be afraid to ask help from public attorneys for assistance and don't be afraid to report it to the police...that is if hitting will become worst.hope this help
@Shaun72 (15959)
• Palatka, Florida
29 Jun 08
I am glad that you got out and got your childern out also. That had to have been very hard. I know that God will take care of you and your childern. You made the right decision as hard as it all is right now.
@wachit14 (3595)
• United States
28 Jun 08
The only way to stop the cycle of abuse is to do something about it, but you also first have to admit that it exists. I can tell that you are someone who wants to do that. By leaving the situation you had to admit that the abuse existed. I think many women are afraid to leave their abusive relationships because they have no financial support, but you have shown that with careful planning, it is possible. Good for you for being so brave and for sharing your story with other women. Maybe you will inspire someone else to do the same.
• United States
28 Jun 08
I'm so sorry to hear that you had to suffer in such a situation for so long, but I'm even more glad that you made the move to protect yourself and your children! I've never been in a situation remotely close to yours, but I can only imagine how courageous you must be. I'll be thinking of you and your children and wishing you lots of luck in reestablishing your family in a happier, healthier environment.
@ZephyrSun (7381)
• United States
28 Jun 08
I am so glad to see you got away from him. I know that leaving is hard. I stayed after a stolen car, broken nose, being stabbed in the leg and finally when he raised a hand to my son (not his child thank God I didn't have kids with him) I left. I pressed charges against him and left. It wasn't a good thing and I am so happy for you! I hope that everything works out the way that it is suppose to for you!! May your life be full of happiness now and forever!