My friend is newly into a long distance relationship, what would you advice?

New Zealand
July 3, 2008 9:34am CST
My friend and her bf had been in a relationship for more than two years already but just recently her bf left to go to the States and work there... they didn't break up but she fears the uncertainty of the future... when her bf left he told her that is was for his family and for their future... she believes and trusts him but she's afraid that her bf might eventually apply for citizenship there which would cause them to separate permanently... she couldn't even bare imagining that they would be away from each other for three years... I've advised her to take it slowly... step by step... day by day... and think positively... I mean it it's meant then it will happen... How about you guys what would you advice her?
3 people like this
19 responses
@n30wing (4768)
• Philippines
16 Jul 08
I know how your friend feels all the mix feelings. I can't blame her. Until there is communication between them it's fine. She should feel stronger and have a lot of patience and trust. If it's really for your friend it's meant to be. No one know what lies a head. It's very hard to adjust that your love one is very far away from you. Let her time be busy doing so many things so she won't think to much. Now your friend really need friends to talk and be around her.
• New Zealand
16 Jul 08
Yeah she really needs someone to talk to... I knew that... and I was there for her... to listen as well as suggest options... but of course I can't be always right so it's very helpful that you guys gave you own point of views... thanks...
@checapricorn (16049)
• United States
16 Jul 08
You have a great advice to her and I hope she will do it..It will not be fair also to herself if she will just live each day longing for her bf and being sad... I know how hard it is and I know it will not also easy to live a life far from the bf...But, that is life, she has to trust the guy and she knows also that she is part of his plan... She needs to keep herself busy and also, they need to set a day and time to talk everyday if possible! I hope she will be able to handle everything perfectly and tell her to think positive all the time and pray always!
• New Zealand
16 Jul 08
Hmmm setting a day and time to talk... I'll to suggest that to her.. thanks...
• United States
16 Jul 08
Hi, yes it's so hard for your friend most especially for the first few days/weeks/months. The only thing that I could advice her is for her not to spend a 100% of her time thinking/missing him. Let her get busy of something and let her cry and cry until she gets tired and fall asleep. Yes i's painful to imagine and feel but if you keep concetrating the positive side of it, it will help her ease a little bit. Just keep herself busy and don't worry about the time. Three years is a long time but if you don't mind it, time actually flies and for all she knows, they will be flying together to the states soon. Just make sure that constant communication is alwyas mainatined Goodluck and hope she will be ok!
• New Zealand
16 Jul 08
Right! I should keep her busy on other more productive things... maybe I could try taking her out to enjoyable places and the likes... thanks...
• United States
16 Jul 08
I too would caution your friend to take it day by day slowly. Perhaps at the first sign of things changing she should think about abandoning ship. If she knows there is a chance he'll apply for citizenship and he'll never come back she should take precautions sooner than later. No sense stringing on a heart that's bound to be broken in the end. All luck is wished for her though. I am sure there are many many successful long distance relationships that succeed just fine!
• New Zealand
16 Jul 08
yeah I think you're right I'll tell her about that...
• China
4 Jul 08
All depends on trust and communation.GOOD Lcuk.
• New Zealand
4 Jul 08
I agree...
• China
4 Jul 08
you made a good advice. it is useless to worry something we can not predict. let nature make its course. Maybe it is a good course to test their love.
• New Zealand
4 Jul 08
thanks... you've got a good point there...
@shilpa_p (198)
• India
4 Jul 08
Hi drsparkle.Well,she's reacting very normally.Thats expected in such a situation.What i can say is- when in a relationship,always be prepared for the worst.But if her bf says he's doing it for their future,a little faith would do good.I know its very difficult to trust him at such a delicate time but i think its best to trust in him and hope for the best.If he does apply for citizenship and settles abroad,that would mean he's a jerk anyway and she doesn't want to waste her time in a relationship where her bf isn't sincere.And if he comes back like he says,their relationship will get stronger than it ever was.So which ever way,only the best is in store.
• New Zealand
4 Jul 08
hmm... good point... thanks...
• India
4 Jul 08
it has two ways may be he is not interested with her bcoz of the surrounding that prevailing in d abroad and second one is he is thinkin to marry her after he got well settled or...........? better think it once
• New Zealand
4 Jul 08
hmm... I'll tell her about what you said... thanks...
@magojordan (3254)
• Philippines
4 Jul 08
The advice I could give is that they should have a lot of trust and patience with each other. Also I think they could at least make up for the lost time with the use of the Internet. They could chat if they want and it's cheaper than calls right? If their love is really strong enough then whatever happens they could surely conquer this temporary separation.
• New Zealand
4 Jul 08
I agree if they are really serious about this relationship then they can work this out no matter what...
@subha12 (18449)
• India
4 Jul 08
i would have advised her same. she should wait. in the mean time sghe should be carefukl to look all the signs from her Bf. she can better makeout what can be the intention. thetre are many rlationship where the distance make it uncertain.
• New Zealand
4 Jul 08
yeah uncertainty is her #1 problem as of now... I'll remind her about your advice... thanks...
• India
4 Jul 08
if she belives in him then no need to worry
• New Zealand
4 Jul 08
hmm... you're right...
@aj2006 (1536)
• Philippines
4 Jul 08
Trust,patience,endless love... that's the thing that crossed my mind while reading your post. it entails a lot of sacrifices,and constant communication is a must. We are fortunate because we have high edge communication tools now..so communication is just a text,email away.
• New Zealand
4 Jul 08
I agree... I think my friend needs to be really patient...
@raclie (1732)
• Singapore
4 Jul 08
i think i will just tell her to talk to him, but i will be prepared to get ready for a breakup..
• New Zealand
4 Jul 08
well that's one thing as of the moment I believe she can't do...
• Philippines
4 Jul 08
Hi drsparkle314... :) I've seen two relationships gone in two different directions with that set-up. Mine and my friend's. I guess you can say that between us, she's the lucky one. We both entered a long distance relationship and she succeeded on it while I failed, HARD. The reasons for failure was mostly TRUST, the lack of it. Oh, there are so many problems because of the distance but it all boils down to that one word, trust. I can truly say I've known my ex and trusted him that much that I was assured he won't betray me, but the feeling wasn't mutual. Though my ex loved me just as much, he never went out to trust me wholeheartedly. He was always jealous, always doubting, always picking a fight that I sometimes think if he's doing it because he's found someone else. I had to let him go at last, I know a happy person when I see one. I don't wanna build my happiness on another person's miseries, especially if that person is so dear to me. THE POINT HERE is that, TRUST is of paramount importance especially in long distance relationships. My friend's boyfriend, trusted her so much even if my friend was so naughty and was never really serious until they got married. I mean, the guy was miles away, but he held on to my friend's promise that she belongs to him no matter what he hears or sees. Talk about TRUST. So, I suggest your friend make it a point to build on each other's TRUST. It's just a word, easy to promise, but is she willing to accept the consequences of trusting her man? Is she willing to compromise? Will she squash away all doubts whenever she detected something amiss? Will she be able to talk openly about her fears and doubts to her boyfriend? Well... It's trust.
• New Zealand
4 Jul 08
you're right that's what I've been reminding her from the start... well she keeps saying she do trust him but the way I see it... she does but not so much... thanks for the advice...
@muxicka (216)
• Philippines
3 Jul 08
I've been around with my girlfriend for more than 2 yrs by now. Before, we share the same situation, I had to leave the country because I got employed working in abroad. And me and my gf was just new back then. It's quite very hard to endure, since I didn't know my gf that much and she has some personality problems, she has a lot of flaws. Often we fight about her getting involved in another guys and things like that. But in the end she learned and see things as I view it. I think you're friend could endure more than this since they have already known each other much longer than I have knew my gf back then. Also if they really trust each other, things would work out.
• New Zealand
4 Jul 08
I agree... I think I need to make my friend really calm so that she could understand the things in a different way...
• United States
3 Jul 08
So what your saying is that he will be here in the states for the next 3 years and after that he might apply for citizenship? That would be a hard pill to swallow but what can she do? There isn't any use in her stressing over it because as you said drsparkle, if something is meant to be then it will happen. Personally, I do not like long distance relationships because you never know if your man/woman will be faithful to you, although they can be in the same town and still cheat. Tell your friend not to stress or at least try not to. Go on with her life and do what she has to do and yes, think positive! Take care.
• New Zealand
4 Jul 08
yeah I'll tell her that... thanks...
@SomeCowgirl (32254)
• United States
3 Jul 08
A lot of people like to assume that long distance relationships won't last. They are wrong. They can last but, yes they are very unheard of. The key is to remain faithful and keep in contact with your gf/bf - husband/wife or fiance and remind them of how much you love them. The best advice I can give her is to stay positive, remember how much you love him and he loves you and try to stay in contact with him as much as possible. Have a Great day.
• New Zealand
3 Jul 08
that's one thing I told her... to stay positive... because if she keeps thinking about negative things she'll just end up having suspicions which may eventually result in an argument... thanks I'll pass her your advice...
1 person likes this
• Philippines
3 Jul 08
good day..In reality long distance relationship don't last. I don't want to say it but its true. What to do? simple. Either she goes there or he comes back. Long distance relationship at my own statistics can last up to 2 years max. Imagine your talk time is even limited specially when you're in a different time zone. When you need physical connection then what? Voice and videos can ease the absence for only as much but then touch, eye contact, moments and family gatherings are lacking and these would be a major factor, not to mention other people. This is sad but this is true as well if they really love each other then I suggest they marry before parting. my 1 cent.
• New Zealand
3 Jul 08
hmm... good point...
@sirfsuraz (468)
• Nepal
3 Jul 08
yeah, it is hard to face such condition. I'll also face the same problem if it happens to me even i am a boy. You will be aware about it, isn't it? But all we can do is keep in touch my the means of communication. She can call him after certain days of gap or even may be daily. But daily calling him may disturb his work. But still you can stay in touch with each other by telephone instead of mail.Well this is all that i can suggest. Be brave at your heart. You trust him and he too trusts you. Best of luck for your friend.
• New Zealand
3 Jul 08
thanks.. I'll pass her your advice and message...