My Marriage is falling apart

United States
July 7, 2008 12:12pm CST
July 31st I will be married for 4 years. It feels like the longest and hardest 4 years of my life. I truly love him from the bottom of my heart and soul. It seems like we fight more then we have good times. We fight over the Little's things that don't even matter. I look at life like life is to short so why worry about it. My brother passed away 7 years ago and ever since then I have had that out look on life. My husband worries about ever little thing and ever little thing sets him off. One comment he doesn't like the rest of the day is gone to hell. I have tryed and tryed to just deal with it but its getting to the point of just being unhappy. I have left him in the past because of it. Yes I always go back; why because I love him. We have 3 kids together, well 1 is only is by blood but he treats the other ones like they are his blood. I'm home with the kids all day and in the back of my head I'm hoping he comes home in a good mood. When we walks through the door I'm on edge trying not to say or do anything that is going to upset him. But, I'm only human and I make mistakes to. I have a lot of my own faults like; sometimes I don't like to say I was wrong, when I'm upset I like to be left alone to cool down, Jump to conclusion, that is just some of them. I'm always trying new ways to talk to him about how I feel but its like he just puts a wall up so I cant talk to him. We can almost never go any where and not fight about something. I just want to be happy, I want to have that feeling of joy not fear when I know he is coming home, I want someone to be there for me no matter what I do, I want someone to love me for the worst in me and the best of me, I want someone to notice that I try hard with the kids and house work, I want someone that just loves to be around me and can't wait to see me when they have been gone all day. He is not all bad he brings me flowers sometimes and he is great with the kids. He plays with them a lot. But that is not all what a marriage is about. I believe if we didn't have kids we would not be together and he wouldn't think twice about leaving me. Why does life have to be so hard? What should I do? He says he won't go to marriage counseling and we can't fix it are self because if we could I would be writing about how happy I'm instead of how unhappy I'm. I'm just so confused I don't know what to do or what to say I don;t know anything. I'm so tired of feeling this way, so tried of feeling sad,mad, angey, lonely. I schouldn't feel this away. God I just don't know what to do or say anymore. I hope he will change his mind and go to counseling with me because I truly love him and want to be with him. But we need to be happy in are marriage....Right?
2 people like this
21 responses
@Balozi (244)
• Kenya
7 Jul 08
Dont give up. When u married him he was an angel. Think positive and you will attract all that is positive to you.
1 person likes this
• United States
7 Jul 08
Balozi, Thanks for the comment. I will be postive and postice will come my way.
1 person likes this
@Balozi (244)
• Kenya
7 Jul 08
There is a saying, 'you make a bed of bayonets, you lie in it yourself. I am intrigued, were u cheated into this marriage? If we say we have no sins we deceive ourselves. If u think negative, then u must get negative effect. Do you think the woman next door has a good husband?
1 person likes this
• United States
7 Jul 08
Thanks for the comment but it is really confuse. I dont always think negtive I try to stay postive. I know that no ones marriage is 100 % happy all the time.
1 person likes this
• United States
7 Jul 08
I am sorry to hear that. My wife and I are having the same problem. We argue about everything and no matter what I do it is my fault. She could say something to the kids and it is ok but if I say the exact thing I am wrong. We dont even sleep in the same room anymore. I think if we did not have kids we would not be together and I often think of leaving her but I have not yet. I am not sure what to do either. If you ever want to talk let me know.
• United States
7 Jul 08
Thanks Married, My mom told me about a book Men are from mars and women are veuns. I'm going to start reading it. Hopefully it helps. Do you love your wfe? Do you want to stay with her? I was think about all that stuff and then comments people left and relized that I need to give my husband what he needs Make him feel appercatied,loved,wanted,needed and so on. I hoping that this will help and he will be in a better mood and return all those feels back to me. I wish the best of luck for you. If you even need someone to talk to let me know.
1 person likes this
@tutul0045 (2630)
• India
7 Jul 08
Hi there, Well iam too young to comment on something like that but what i can guess is that atleast u r looking to get it right. I know people who gives it up soon and later on they repent. I firmly believe that when there is a will there is a way. I believe that u r going through a rough phase and if u can convince him to go to a councellar slowly and gradually u will get through it. Iam always optimistic about things and really its helps when things are going not so well. Think positvely .. if u r upset and feeling down its bound to show in your face and in your activities. So look fresh and cheerful no what what the situation is. Its going to emit postive vibes to your husband and the rest of the things. So wish u good luck and stay sfe and strong. Cheers, Tutul
1 person likes this
• United States
7 Jul 08
Thanks for the comment. I do beleave my feels refesclt on my face. I think if I get out more feel more cheerfull maye it will rub off on him and then it will all come together. We have been throuth alot and I know it will work out its jsut hard right now.
• United States
7 Jul 08
I am sorry to hear you are so unhappy. I think marriage has it's ups and downs. I do not think anyone's marriage is always happy. Leaving is not going to help. You will fined someone else and after the honey moon stage , you will be in the same boat again. It is best to deal with what you got. Love isn't always fireworks all the time. Love is many different things. If he is that crabby all the time try not to have an argument with him. Let him be right. From my experience men need to feel like they are kings and needed. Give him much praise and maybe his attitude will change. It might take a while but slowly it will change. Most people I know that have been married for a long time say they fight like cats and dogs but always work it out some way. As you both grow as your own person things change and you both need to adapt to it. Being married does not always mean being happy 100% of the time.
• United States
7 Jul 08
I totaly understand your comment. I don't want to leave I love him and when I left in the past I felt sick knowing he wasn't there. We do fight like cats and dogs I wish we could find a middle ground. I think if I start doing suff for him like making sure he knows that I love him and make him feel like a king maybe just maybe we will grow together. Thanks again for the comment.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
7 Jul 08
Well, I;m sorry to hear that but remember you are not alone in this situation. You just don't know that others have worst situation than you do. I know how hard it is to deal with a husband like that. The fact of the matter is that we, the wives also would check our attitude because things gets worst just because of our own doing too. If we can just ignore and see it in a positive way. meybe it would help. Sometimes, we are always thinking of ourselves and how we are treated. We want the best treatment from our husbands. I think all wives do. But if we tend to forget ourselves sometimes and find ways that our husbands would be happy for what we do, I mean giving them importance and let them feel that they are special, then maybe they would return back the kindness we showed to them. I know this is hard to do epecially when we are hurt of how they treated us but am sure this would help. Good luck.. Wish you all the best.
1 person likes this
• United States
7 Jul 08
Ok so I didn't read all the comments you got on this discussion because there was a lot of them. But heres my 2 sense. I know you. You are very stubborn and so is he. Finding that middle ground is gonna be hell to find. You guys LOVE each other. And I truly believe he is not there just for the kids. I seen what you guys went through the last time you split up. Somehow some way things will work out. But he really needs to break down and go to counsiling. I mean come on the least he can do is try it out and then if it doesn't work out at least you will know. You guys make an awesome couple and when things are good they are great ! ! And you know that. I am always here for you girl ! ! I love you guys ! If you ever need to vent or anything give me a call or something.
• United States
8 Jul 08
Thanks girl I love you so much. I think I wrote this all wrong becuase Iit didnt comeout the way I wanted. but o well....i lov eyou
@Hatley (164168)
• Garden Grove, California
7 Jul 08
hi I am a widow now but I was married for 34 years. you said the little things set him off, so maybe if you two could work out the little things the big things would not be too bad,you love him so you should care if little things bug him, try to smooth out some of the little things, make him feel he is the man of the house,if he is good with the kids praise the heck out of him, you know him better than we do mommyof03,so make him feelsuper good, then talk to him, tell him you do love him,but you want to be happy not scared of him,that you hate fighting with him.to a lot of people its the little things that irk the heck out of one, so workon that. also admit to him your faults and talk to him in an ordinary way like you are talking to us, guys get leery when you try new ways. he sounds like my own husband was and we fought and made up and lasted for 34 years. you love him you fight for him, If you are wrong say so, surprise the heck out of him. you and he have completely opposite characters so you have to step out of your usual mode, and try to understand the little things he worries about,and I think this will clear up a lot of problems. good luck God Bless
• United States
7 Jul 08
As I read your comment it made me cry. You are totaly right. I need to make him feel good about himself and then he wil return that to me and then we will slow become happy again. Thank you so much.
1 person likes this
• Canada
8 Jul 08
I'm very sorry that you're going through this:( Remember you're not alone. I'm not sure if you can afford it but maybe you could get a babysitter and get a job or go to school and do something for yourself. The best thing you can do is do something for you. It seems as though you're doing alot for him and the family. You are waiting for HIM. I think you should stop. Be happy with you first and then maybe he can be happy with you. I truly hope this isn't coming across as being mean or insensitive, I only want to give you some advice that I believe would make you feel better. If you are happy, the kids will be happier and so will your husband. but he can't make you happy sweetie, you have to do that for yourself.
@carolbee (16231)
• United States
8 Jul 08
First let me say I am so sorry to hear life is not going well at home. Have you tried counseling for yourself only, if he won't go? I'm not saying you need it but a counselor may give you some ideas how to handle the situation and make you feel better. We have 3 kids and have been married a long time, 39 years. When the kids were small, it wasn't easy. It's a difficult job to be home with kids. We have had an issue or two but always worked things out. Nobody I know has a marriage that is just perfect. Hopefully you can work things out and stay together, carolbee
• Philippines
8 Jul 08
It seems to me that you don't see eye to eye with your hubby. Or that he doesn't want to, rather. I think it is important to be working together on the relationship. Because no matter how hard you do your part, if there's no effort from his side, it will never work. You will just stay married but will remain unhappy. It's important to sit down, talk about it and, if needed, seek help. If he doesn't cooperate, then maybe he's not really interested in making things work between the two of you. Let him know how you feel. If he won't listen when you talk write him a letter and pour out everything. Writing is sometimes more effective because you get to sort out your thoughts and spill out your feelings without interruption.
@snowy22315 (101873)
• United States
8 Jul 08
You dont need him to go to marriage counseling. You can go on your own. THe only person you can change in this marriage is you, and if you want a differnet result you have to be different. I dont know if your marriage can be saved or not but if you think it is worth a try, and I'm sre it is if you have kids give it a try.
@Muelitz (1592)
• Canada
8 Jul 08
Like you said, you have faults and so does he. What must happen is for both of you to accept these faults and try to live with it. Find or count things that are good in each other. Love should not keep records of wrongs. You must keep the marriage in-tact. DO what ever it takes for you, your husband and most especially for your kids.
@lingli_78 (12834)
• Australia
8 Jul 08
i'm sorry to hear about what is happening in your marriage... i don't understand why your hubby doesn't want to go to councelling with you... you don't have to put up with all his craps and you definitely deserve a better life... may be you have to ask help from one of your family members to talk to him if he won't listen to you... good luck and i hope everything will be better for you... take care and have a nice day...
@foxyfire33 (10007)
• United States
8 Jul 08
I know exactly what you are feeling. Here's an idea though...even if he says he won't go to marriage counseling, you can go there alone. It won't solve your marriage problems directly because that will take the both of you. But it could help you sort out any issues you have so that you are in a better position to decide what to do about your marriage. A last resort would be to leave him again and refuse to come back until a set number of counseling sessions. Ultimatums are tricky though and can backfire easily so they should only be played if you are truly prepared to deal with the consequences regardless of which way it goes.
@Kemboi (341)
• Eldoret, Kenya
8 Jul 08
Thank you for sharing you feelings concerning your marriage. In marriage you agree to disagree there are so many marks behind the marriage. I have realize that the smallest issues that men normaly took lightly, are the biggest issues in women. I have had a problem almost like yours. My wife wend away for 13 days she didn't want to respond to my phone call later she called my two parends, her parends, her two brothers and her two sister, to discusse the issues that erupted as a man I calm down and accepted whatever was fingered at me. So generally there should be understanding in the family, Men should learn to accept their wives the way they are, my friend was telling me the other day he finds hard to forgive his wife which is common in many men, so look for ways you can make your man take you the way you want.
@cncoke (439)
• China
8 Jul 08
There's some trouble in life here and there.Each family has its different trouble and happiness.You should face to these.You should be brave and intelligence.
@rsa101 (29843)
• Philippines
8 Jul 08
Well I think what you should do is what you did here at Mylot you wrote everything what you feel about what you want and what you hate about your relationship. Try weighing things yourself maybe some of those things you've written may not be so serious and you could just temporarily discard them at the moment. Try choosing from those two columns which is top 5 on the list and which one do you think most affects you. If you two are not communicating well or is avoiding communicating well maybe try writing a love letter perhaps may do. Write those things that you liked about him and those you do not then find a solution maybe perhaps that will paved a way for both of you to open the line of communication back again.
@TessWhite (3147)
• United States
8 Jul 08
I'm so sorry you are going thru this. I've been there. I reached the point where I'd almost cringe when the garage door opened, never knowing what his mood would be. I wish I had all the answers, but since I divorced mine (even after trying counseling) I guess I don't have them for you. All I can say is I understand, and I hope things work out for you - in whichever way is best for YOU.
@jammyt (2822)
• Philippines
8 Jul 08
I'm so sorry to hear that. If he does not want to attend counseling with you, are there times that he listens to what you have to say? Does he know you are THAT unhappy? Why not try to write him a letter. Try to see what is ticking him off. Maybe you can ask him if you can get a job to help him with expenses. That could be a reason why he is always cranky... because he has to find money for all of you. You can also explain to him that you want the marriage to work out. However, if still to no avail, I think you should rethink about all your options. Would you like to stay like this for the rest of your life? Maybe he knows that if you leave, you will always come back. Goodluck!