My son wants to be a girl

@foxyfire33 (10005)
United States
July 7, 2008 2:26pm CST
Before we get into anything further...I am not interested in stereotypes. I don't care what he does or doesn't do as an adult. He's 5 years old now. I am an open minded person. I will love my children no matter what. Ok, so starting when he was just 2 years old, my son has loved pink, dresses and being pretty. I thought it was cute but didn't go out of my way to encourage behavior in either direction (more boyish or more girlish). Everyone said it was a phase. Three years later this "phase" is still going strong or stronger. As I type this he has dressed himself in what he considers his girl clothes(we don't have other girls here but I can guarantee he'd wear their clothes if we did)...a red polo, his little brother's jeans (the kind that have the snaps on the pant legs) which are unsnapped and look like a skirt, and red cowboy boots with heels. He has also put on my pink wig from Halloween and a toy necklace. That is what he loves to wear. He begs us to buy him dresses and girl shoes. We remind him often that those are for girls and that he is a boy. He has been to school, so he has had experience with other boys his own age in addition to his 5 brothers. He is simply more comfortable dressing as a girl. I am not concerned. He is just a little boy. On a more serious note, I have read articles about transgendered children and he does fit many of their stereotypical behaviors (liking opposite gender clothes, pretending to be the opposite gender, being sad that they are not the opposite gender, an obsession with mermaids). But again, stereotypes don't hold much with me. I'm telling you all this because...well because, he's my son and there's no good reason for me to hide the fact that at this moment in time he wants to be a girl. Maybe others here have experienced the same thing with their own children and can give advice. Maybe others are going through the same thing right now but were afraid to admit it. Maybe some people just want to prove to me why this isn't something parents try to hide or deny. So here I am...say what you will...Foxy's son wants to be a girl!
14 people like this
45 responses
• United States
7 Jul 08
I have a 4 year old girl that wants to be a boy. We have constant discussions where she argues that she is a boy. I'm sure this is easier than having a boy who wants to be a girl since she can wear boyish clothes and still get by with it. Dresses are out of the question since I had to recently force one on her (I felt horrible) to attend my grandparent-in-laws anniversary dinner. She's been this way ever since she was old enough to have an opinion. Her latest is taking her cotton shorts and wearing them with no panties so they will be like the boxers her dad wears. I worry sometimes about her being transgendered because she isn't exposed to boys much. She has two older sisters who are very girly and I've never had a problem with. I don't actually hide it either. I will love her no matter who she chooses to be and always be here for her. Yet, my husbands family is very judgemental and like to "keep up apperances." I worry that they may be a problem when she gets older if it's not a phase. They tried to get me to make my oldest write with her right hand when she was little because they didn't want a lefty. They'll flip over this. Your not alone.....Vickie's daughter want to be a boy!
5 people like this
@34momma (13882)
• United States
7 Jul 08
I tell you this site is just one of the greatest places to hang out. how wonderful of you to share your story with us. to help foxy with your own boy girl situation at home. thank you so much for sharing Viickie I have a little girl who is three. she is all girl, but wants to be called Spiderman. I call her spiderman. will she grow up and want to be a superhero, i don't know, but if she does, I will be her biggest fan. just like you and foxy, I will love her no matter what. my little girl wants to be spideran
2 people like this
@foxyfire33 (10005)
• United States
9 Jul 08
Thank you both for sharing your stories! S/o doesn't say anything to our son but he isn't exactly impressed with it either...but he did give in to the black and pink back pack, he didn't say anything when I got the pink Hello Kitty lunch bag (I claimed they were the only ones left in the store), and he only looked at me funny when I brought home the pink crocs. He did draw the line at buying girl underwear...but he doesn't dress the kid or do laundry so what he doesn't know won't hurt him lol. That is so stupid about the left handed thing! My ex FIL was a lefty so he was hoping my oldest son was a lefty too (first grandson). My current in laws have noticed that all 3 little boys still use their lefts equally but say it in more like a "I wonder" way not a "I hope not" way. (My oldest did end up being a righty but it wasn't clear until he was 6)
@lilybug (21107)
• United States
7 Jul 08
Well, I say good for him! I think that it is actually a good thing that he knows at such a young age what other spend their whole lives struggling to deal with. I think that in the long run he will be a very well adjusted person. Having a family that is willing to accept that this is who he is and this is what he wants is going to be really helpful for him. Better for him to get it out now then to hate himself for years because he thinks he is weird or not understanding himself.
3 people like this
@foxyfire33 (10005)
• United States
7 Jul 08
You are so right! If this is more than a phase, there won't be a huge "shock" when he's older...to him or anyone else. This will just be who he has always been.
2 people like this
@Hatley (163781)
• Garden Grove, California
7 Jul 08
well i have never encountered that with my own kids, but have known others who have encountered this and their kids turned out to be transgendered, and eventually had surgery to become a girl.anyway just love him as he is, boy or girl, and wait for time to tell if he will just become an ordinary boy or will want to become a girl. no shame either way.
@foxyfire33 (10005)
• United States
9 Jul 08
Exactly Hatley, he is what he is and it shouldn't matter. If he ends up being a stereotypical straight man when he's older then we can have a good laugh about the pictures of him in princess dresses and pink shoes. If he does "officially" become transgendered as an adult...at least "she" will have some accurate childhood photos (with the exception of the boy haircut because FIL will not let me grow his hair past his ears! )
@toosh21 (800)
• Australia
9 Jul 08
I really admire you for being so accepting - I would be the same, although my husband would struggle with it but still accept it. I think you are doing the right thing in not pushing him either way. I hope that as he gets older he doesn't get bullied and picked on...but having you as such great support will certainly help. More parents need to follow your lead & be more accepting - you are a champion!
2 people like this
@cjgrooms (4456)
• United States
7 Jul 08
I am with you i love my kids no matter what!
1 person likes this
@foxyfire33 (10005)
• United States
9 Jul 08
Thanks so much for agreeing!
@mescue (64)
• United States
7 Jul 08
All you can do is love him and accept him any which way. He may still be going through a phase. If he continues as he gets older, sit down with him and ask him how he feels about himself. If this is not a phase, don't see it as something wrong or bad. Lots of love and acceptance. He'll always be your child.
@foxyfire33 (10005)
• United States
9 Jul 08
When we talk about it now he says that he knows he is a boy but he wants to be a girl....you'd have to see his face when he says it to understand but it's such a sincere wish. The kind that makes me wish I could just hug him and make it all right.
@sunita64 (6469)
• India
8 Jul 08
At times it is really difficult to cope with the situation, then the only thing I would have done was to take my friends help. Here I would have asked my friends to give very good compliments when he is wearing boys clothes, as when children feel that they are more appreciated in some dress they have inclination to repeat the same. Do not force him to wear those but at times just coax him and tell him how smart he looks when he wears the boys clothes.
@foxyfire33 (10005)
• United States
9 Jul 08
But wouldn't that still be trying to make him be something he isn't? Sounds to me like it is just a sneaky way to make him conform. I would rather compliment him on being a kind, loving and smar person than on what his clothes look like regardless of what he wears.
@mksneha (861)
• India
8 Jul 08
I still think he is in a phase you said...simply because boys cant be girls.He might love pretty girls so he wants to act like them. once he is grown up he will realize everything about you know the boy-girl attraction etc. and how to workout things...
@foxyfire33 (10005)
• United States
9 Jul 08
Boys can be girls, and girls can be boys.
@James72 (26790)
• Australia
8 Jul 08
Good for you for having this type of attitude! Yes it may be a phase; and for all you know; six months from now he may wish to be Superman or a Policeman! And if this DOES turn into something more than just a current behaviour; then at least he will have a very supportive parent behind him. I am honestly not sure what I would do if I were in the same situation. As a Father I guess I would at first discourage it if it became too out of hand (whatever THAT is! But I guess playing with dolls etc is one thing and wishing to constantly dress like a girl etc is another if I were to give an example); but I would like to think that if it did not change over time, that I too could be as understanding. What I find interesting though is your statement that there are no other girls in the family. This is certainly a strong behaviour to exhibit in this area when there is not a considerable female influence around him other than yourself. Once again he is lucky to have a parent that loves him for who he is and always will!
@foxyfire33 (10005)
• United States
9 Jul 08
He does have 3 sisters as well as the 4 brothers but the sisters don't live with us and he doesn't see them often. So you're right, it isn't a constant influence. As for me being the female role model...I'm hardly feminine lol...couldn't tell you the last time I wore a dress or make up! So it does seem like strong behavior considering all of that. I will let him be as girly as he wants to be... a child deserves a happy childhood right...if it is a phase, he will have enjoyed it while it lasted, if it's more than a phase his childhood will be all that more meaningful when he becomes an adult.
• United States
8 Jul 08
Foxy, I applaud you for the way you are handling this. I know there are a lot of parents that would totally "freak" if their son wanted to dress as a girl. Your son is truly blessed for having you as a mother. That being said, I don't think I would really worry about it too much. He is after all, only five years old. He may wake up tomorrow and be totally different. Then again, it may be something he will stick with for the rest of his life. Whatever choice he makes, I know it will work out because he has such a wonderful, caring, open-minded mother.
@foxyfire33 (10005)
• United States
9 Jul 08
Thank you so much. I really do appreciate what you said. He is only 5 so there's no way of knowing yet anyway....but it's just not something I'm going to "worry" about.... "Think" about, "wonder" about, yes, but not "worry".
@excellence7 (3647)
• Mauritius
14 Jul 08
I think you must brainstorm the child and expose him to real life outside. Make him fit in group of boys in order to understand the behaviors and attitudes of other boys. Try explain him that he is a male- make him realize this. I am sure little by little brainstorming will resolve everything.
@foxyfire33 (10005)
• United States
14 Jul 08
He has plenty of exposure to the real world as well as 4 brothers. I don't have anything to resolve. He is what he is, regardless of what that might mean.
• Mauritius
15 Jul 08
In this case, you must not worry. He is what he is. He is your child, so accept him and keep him happy.
@TessWhite (3146)
• United States
8 Jul 08
It sounds like you have a unique little boy. I never understood why everyone has to say pink is for girls, blue for boys. My mother loved to dress me (her little tom boy) in pink frilly dresses and bows. Man did I hate it. I think my favorite picture of myself is when I was two, in my jeans and boys tshirt, all covered with dirt, shaking my fist at the camera. LOL My only concern for your cutie would be the other children. They can be so cruel in school. Hopefully they won't be to your little angel.
@foxyfire33 (10005)
• United States
9 Jul 08
Thank you so much! I wasn't much into frills as a little girl and no one thought that was too odd....so I don't really see the difference either. I do worry about the other kids. Preschool was fine but I know that elementary school can be rough no matter what it is that makes a child "different".
• United States
8 Jul 08
My nephew is now in his late 20's and was the same way as a child. Many of us, other than his own mother noticed things about his behavior that lead us to think he might grow up being ? . Well, he did but that does not matter to us, we love him any way. There are signs of these things and it might be helpful to talk to his pediatrician about this. I wish you the best and am relieved by your writing. You seem to be the type to be able to handle it, no matter what the out-come is! Bravo! That's being a great mother!
@foxyfire33 (10005)
• United States
9 Jul 08
Thank you very much for the kind words!
@92iqbal (121)
• India
14 Jul 08
this is only outwardly attraction.don't hasten to conclude.don't be indifferent by saying that it is no matter to you what your children like or dislike though it is a serious matter you are bound to perform your parental responsibility carefully.it is a very difficult situation for you.
@foxyfire33 (10005)
• United States
14 Jul 08
My "parental responsibility" is in part to ensure my child's health and happiness, that involves listening to what choices HE wants. It is not "indifferent" to say that I will love my child no matter what he chooses in life. "This is only outwardly attraction" -how would you know? You don't know my son.
7 Jul 08
I think its good to recognise things. if it isn't just a phase at least you may be able to help him grow up and become comfortable with who he is, whatever that path may take. Lots of people go thrugh such heartache because no one will help. However you son decides to grow up, I believe you will support and understand.
@foxyfire33 (10005)
• United States
9 Jul 08
Thank you for the understanding dragonstar!
@jty2005 (17)
• Morocco
7 Jul 08
When I was a little boy, I also did so.But when I grew up, I take it out.So, just don't worry,your son can become normal when he grow up.
@foxyfire33 (10005)
• United States
9 Jul 08
Thanks for the input
• Canada
7 Jul 08
this is something that has started early, it may be a phase as they say but, going strong for 3 years i would say not.... be proud of him no matter what and he will be the happiest kid going....
@foxyfire33 (10005)
• United States
9 Jul 08
I didn't think kids' "phases" normally lasted 3 years either. He's happy at home, I just wonder about school and everywhere else.
• United States
12 Feb 09
Hi there, came across you on a search- My son has been like yours since he was 2 yrs old. Heartbreaking to the point of crying and begging "what's wrong with me?" and "Mom can't you have a magic potion to make me real small so I can go back in your tummy and try to come out a girl?... I learned alot from a french movie- "Mie Vie en Rose" not sure on the spelling! it means "my life in pink" about a boy like ours and the issues the family has to deal with. GREAT MOVIE! Grab a box of tissues! My son is nine now, he still has the same personality or what ever you can call "it" I took the route of not saying girl toys are only for girls because that only taught him that he should be a girl so he can play like them. Or be like them. He has learned in time where and where not to show his true colors. I just make sure he knows he can be himself at home, and loved at home for who he is. He is a boy who prefers girl stuff. I do want to get more help with this, especially before puberty. Any good stuff throw it my way! Julie juliedanking@sbcglobal.net
• United States
2 Dec 09
Clothes, things and hobbies do not make us what we are. There is a difference between wanting to do what girls do, and wanting to actually 'be' a girl. When I was little I liked doing boy things, I dressed like one, I played like one and I hung out with them. As I got older I gres this desire to 'be' a boy, as in experience life as a boy, have a boy's body, pee standing up (woo!) and dare I say it often thought it would be cool to have a "little buddy" down there. I admit that most, maybe all, of my wants have stemmed from my negative experiences as a girl; puberty, periods ( to this day I don't wear tampons because of their difficulty to get in and the fact that they hurt like hell to get out), pregnancy, the aftermath of pregnancy (your body), menopause, the fact that it take more work and effort and a lot longer to please a woman in bed while most men don't even bother trying (excuse me for that one), and over all the things that we've had to go through since the beginning of time and still today. I often told my mom, "How come boys don't go through anything and we do?". It is just draining and a lot of times depressing. I am fine though, I have accepted the fact that I am a girl and try to focus on the good things of being one. My point is, that there is a possibility that he just has a mind of his own and likes what he likes; despite what the world says he should like. It doesn't mean he will end up gay, transgendered, or anything of that sort. You just keep reminding him that he doesn't have to 'be' a girl, to like what girls like.
• United States
2 Dec 09
Clothes, accessories, hobbies, do not make us what we are. There's a difference between wanting to wear girl's clothes, act like a girl and do things that girls normally do; and wanting to actually 'be' a girl. Growing up I was a tomboy through and through, I dressed like one, I played rough like one and I mostly had boy friends. As I got older I grew a desire to actually 'be' a boy, as in experience life as a boy, have a boy's body, pee standing up (woo!) and dare I say it often think it would be cool to have a "little buddy" down there. I admit most of my wants have stemmed from my negative experiences of being a girl; periods, to this day I still don't wear tampons because of the difficulty of getting them in and the fact that it hurts like hell to get them out; the fear of marrying someone on the chauvinistic side who will dump the responsibility of family onto me and leave me in the dust in bed (excuse me on that one); getting pregnant and going through torture for 9 months, the pain of giving birth and the aftermath of my body along with the worries that he won't find me attractive anymore and leave me; menopause; finished off with all the things that women have gone through since the beginning of time and still go through. I always told my mother, "How come boys don't have to go through anything, while we go through a lot." No, I do not have a psychological disorder, other-wise labeled as "Gender Identity Dysphoria". I swear, scientists and doctors make up names for everything that they think isn't normal and shouldn't be. I am fine though, no surgery transformations, no hormone injections. If I were to be a boy I would want to be born as one naturally, I have accepted that, that is never going to happen and I try to focus on the positives of being a girl as much as I can. All in all, it just seems like boys have it easier, more simple and are more fun to be. Sorry for the long paragraph, my point is that there is a possibility that he just has a mind of his own and likes what he likes; despite what the world says he should like. It doesn't mean that he will end up gay, transgendered, or anything of that sort. He may get teased and bullied, but you just keep reminding him that you don't have to 'be' a girl, to like girl things.