If this happens to a wife in the marriage, what should she do?

@cream97 (29152)
United States
July 11, 2008 3:58pm CST
My husband got mad at me, once a week ago, and he told me to die like my mother. He got in my face, and he touched my chin, and I remember the smell of his breath.... He told me that I was acting like a B****. He said it very slowly, like as if he hated to say it, but he did. He told me that he was going to call the police on me, before he put his hands on me, he stormed out the door. He really scared me when he said this. My mother died when I was 7 years old.. We all believed that someone killed her. She got ran over by a car. Why would my husband even through something like this up in my face, when he got so angry? About three weeks ago, I said something to him that made him mad, and he was standing right behind me and he put grabbed me by the neck and with his arm. It felt like he was choking me. It really did hurt. There were no bruises, but, the pain was there. I don't know what I should do.. I am very scared of him, having no money and no decent job, I am afraid to leave. He has told me many times that he can take all of our three kids away from me. I am scared for myself and my kids. I don't know what steps to take.. I am so scared to continue to be with him, and I just never know when he will go off on me again. The next time may be too late. He always says that he will call the police on me, before he ever puts his hands on me again. He told me once, that I must be want someone to knock the s*** out of my a**. Is this something for a husband to say? He is disrespectful to me. And when he does these things, it is in front of the kids.. They see what he does to me. He blames me for everything bad that goes on in this marriage. I am beginning to feel that it is all of my fault. But, if it is, does that still give him a right to touch me in a harsh way. I have never threatened him like he has done me. He accused me of throwing water on him many years ago, and he says that I spitted on him. But, I have never attacked him, like he has done to me. This is not the first time that he has done this.. In the past he has said and done very cruel things to me.. I am scared to leave him, I feel that if I stay a little longer than things will get better, but, i just am too scared to take that chance to find out. What should I do.
14 people like this
59 responses
• United States
11 Jul 08
In no way should you ever be treated the way you are. It sounds like your husband is getting violent and will continue to get worse not better. He sounds very mean and you need to get you and your kids out of this very dangerous situation. I would go to the police and get a restraining order. I would find a place to stay be it a friends house or a woman’s shelter. I would wait till he is gone to leave or call the police to escort you and the kids out of the house. They will help you and make sure that you are able to take the things you need when you leave. If you stay things will not get better they are more than likely going to spiral out of control. He will beg and promise and may even threaten and try to scare you back but for you and your children’s safety do not go back until he has gotten counseling and anger management courses. Best wishes to you and your kids.
3 people like this
@cream97 (29152)
• United States
12 Jul 08
Yes, the first time that I left him, he has taken anger management classes. He now says, that I am the one that needs it.. I am wondering, how is that so. When he is the one that is extremely violent. When I left the last time, I had the police escort me out of the house. I don't want to draw any attention. And I don't want his parents to be present when I leave..
2 people like this
@chertsy (3804)
• United States
12 Jul 08
Maybe him seeing his parents seeing you leave, will be embarrising to him to the point it wakes his a*s up. Draw attention, men hate having attention especially negative attention brought to them. They want the outside world think he's Mr. Perfect, #1 dad and husband. When you leave, don't come back, he will be like a baby, begging you, just tell someone else to take the call. The person you love, shouldn't make you cry. Plus as a mom, you have kids, put yourself aside, and think about them.
1 person likes this
@cream97 (29152)
• United States
12 Jul 08
Yes, I see. But knowing his dad and mom they will want to know hat they can do to help him, like before. When we had the court hearing, his dad came along with him. And he sat in the court room..
1 person likes this
• United States
11 Jul 08
I wouldn't stay will someone like that.... that is horrible even though you don't think he means it he does you can take back what you have already said..
2 people like this
• United States
11 Jul 08
wow girl! I have been in your shoes. He grabbed my by the neck in our front yard infront of our 2 kids and I ended up calling the cops. It wasn't the first time he did that to me. And I would suggest you do the same. It's not an easy thing to do, especially if you love him, but especially with him threatening to take your kids, you need to do something. that's why I did it. With a police report backing it, it would be impossible for him to take them. I don't know where you are from, but here in the State of Oklahoma,even if he says you did something to him, you will still win, being the mom. You have to do what you can to protect your babies too. Even tho he isn't physically harming them (or so I assume) he is still hurting them mentally when they see this. I don't know about you, but i didn't want my daughter seeing that and thinking it is ok for a man to treat her that way, and I didn't want my son to see that and think it was ok for him to treat a woman like that just because daddy did. I hope you can work this out. My thoughts and prayers are with you!
@kaytee717 (188)
• United States
12 Jul 08
Run and run fast. Go speak to your local Assembly/Congress member , local shelter, cops!!! and they will give you local shelter information for battered women. Emotional abuse is abuse and your are dealing with both emotional and physical! Neither you or your children deserve that ! Get yourself and your kids out of the house and start a new life. You kids know what enviroment they live in and its just as unhealthy for them. You can find a job and take care of your family if you want to! Wishing you and your family nothing but the best
1 person likes this
• China
12 Jul 08
poor guy ,what I want to say is you must try you best to be safe at all time. no matter what happens ,no matter what you hubby do to you `,you should guarantee you yourself are OK.... Good luck ,God is with u
1 person likes this
@risris24 (712)
• United States
12 Jul 08
If I were you I would seek legal counsel and get directed in the right steps because no matter how financially unstable you are, it can not in any way be compared to the value of your life and especially your childrens. He had no right to say what he did and although words hurt and can leave scars, if he can hurt you emotionally and pphysically you need to get away. You can move on from the words he used to hurt you, but if he hurts you really badly physically there may be no turning back. You have a right to save yourself and it is your duty as a mother to protect your children from him as well. He can threaten to take your children away from you but the truth of the matter is if you go on record with authorities and and submit complaints to have on file, then the chances of him gaining custody especially with domestic abuse on file against him, would be slim to non. I highly recommend you take action because if this is not on record then there is nothing that can be done.
12 Jul 08
You need to get out of this marriage for yourself and your kids. Don't think about money- there are people who will help you. Your children should not see this and you should not suffer like that. I cannot stress enough how important it is for you to leave before it is too late. If I was in your shoes I would be at the police station writing up a statement and asking what type of support is available. What do the kids think about all this? Does he hit the children? How old are they? In the mean time please call the police if he ever hits you again.
1 person likes this
@TessWhite (3147)
• United States
12 Jul 08
I don't want to sound to abrupt in my answer, so I'll try and word it carefully. I've been in your situation, I lived with abuse for over 20 years. What you need to do is leave him. If you aren't able to do it fast, then you must plan it out. You need to have a stash of clothes and money hidden somewhere. You also need to report this to the police. And ask them for a referral to an abuse center or couselor. They can help you. Then you need to plan to leave when he is gone. Staying and putting up with this is not the kind of life to live. Some will say stay, make it work. And maybe thats what you want to hear, I don't know. But I do know you asked what you should do - and I gave you the answer I think is the safest and smartest thing to do. Good luck.
1 person likes this
@zion45 (70)
• United States
12 Jul 08
Dont walk away. RUN!!!! As fast as possible. I am a man, and I would never, I cant imagine saying those things to the mother of my children. Mothers are the most important people in the world they should be held up on a pedestal not torn down by words and threats. I know you are scared but there are shelters for battered women. The damage this is doing to your children is far worse the you can imagine. Don't worry about him taking you children right now just get you and them out of that situation. I have a saying that you need to remember-Mother is the name for God, in the lips and hearts of children-William Makepeace Thackeray.
@fiona08 (454)
• United States
12 Jul 08
It doesn't matter if there are bruises or not. He has no right to touch you in a way that causes pain, or even fear. I would not put up with this even one more time. Your kids will suffer mental anguish for years, over seeing their mom hurt or in fear of their father. And if they think it is the way things are supposed to be with husbands and wives, they may perpetuate abuse in future relationships. Take it very very seriously. I'd make him attend counseling, at the very least. Anger management is important, he needs to get control or leave.
1 person likes this
• United States
12 Jul 08
Leave him now!!! I was in an abusive relationship for 3 years and as a result I was in many shelters. Leave him and don't look back. His behavior will not improve. Just compare it to a child, when a child gets away with a certain behavior he will repeat it. If you stay with your husband HIS BEHAVIOR WILL GET WORSE! So don't stay and think things will get better. I can't stress this enough believe me, I have been through hell and back, and now I am still trying to get my life together...please be careful!
@amanda08 (647)
• United States
12 Jul 08
you should leave... i know it can be hard, but you do not want to to leave your children without a mother do you?.... the court system will not give your children to an abusive father.
1 person likes this
• Bahamas
11 Jul 08
Hey cream! This is troubling for me to hear this, it brings back some bad memories for me. I dont care what you've done, that doesn't give him the rights to say such horrible things and he definatly has no right to put is hands on you period. I've been the recipient of some harsh and spirit crushing verbal abuse before, and even now years later they still hurt when i think about what i was told by someone i loved at the time. I believe that once abuse of any kind begins, it becomes easier for the abuser to escalate. I dont now the full story behind your husbands rage. but i do know that you have to take steps to protect yourself, and if that means leaving you have to seriously consider that option. Please be careful about what disicion you decide to make, and remember that you dont know what you can do until you try. {{{hugs}}}
1 person likes this
@bfarrier1 (2082)
• United States
12 Jul 08
No one can tell you what to do but I suggest you figure out away to get out of this relationship. Do you have family that can help you? Do you both or one of you have a drinking problem? Why I ask this sounds just like myself and my ex-husband we both drank and then we fought after and our kids were there to see it all.The fighting and everything.I am very lucky because I took my girls away from that abuse and they grew up to be very wonderful women that dont take much from their husbands.Someway you need to get out if not for you then think of your children.Go to a church or call the police yourself.Dont let him hurt your children before you do something about this abuse. Good luck and God Bless you and your kids.
@cream97 (29152)
• United States
12 Jul 08
No, we both don't drink. To my understanding he never has.. This is the same question that was asked in 2003. And once again I told them no.. I know this sounds very strange..
1 person likes this
@bfarrier1 (2082)
• United States
12 Jul 08
This has been going on since 2003 then you really do need to GET OUT NOW because if its been 5 years nothing is going to change,as I said earlier do this for your kids if for nothing else.He isnt going to change.Leave while he is gone somewhere,plan your move in advance,give yourself a day and time to do it and GET OUT OF THERE before its to late.Good luck!
@cream97 (29152)
• United States
12 Jul 08
Yes, I seperated from him in 2003. And then I went back to him like a fool. He says, I called him, and he did not call me. The abuse started this year again. We had off and on problems once, and he was mean and what not.. But now, it is taking place all over again.
1 person likes this
@chertsy (3804)
• United States
12 Jul 08
I think if my husband told me that he was going to call the cops on me, I would laugh and say go right ahead sweetie. My husband and I have our fights, and believe me we get loud. If he lays a hand on me, he better know, it won't go without me knocking the crap out of him. Why would he call the cops on you for, for standing there and taking his crap, letting him grab you by the neck. He's really stupid, especially if the kids seen him do it, they can easily tell the police what happened. You need to wait until he's gone, pack enough clothing for you and your kids, call the police and get the heck out of there. You might love this man, but he doesn't love you, if he tells you that you should die. He doesn't love his kids, if he thinks it's ok to physical and verbal abuse you in front of them. If you think he won't go after them, give him time, he will. If you don't leave, you need to learn to defend yourself. A man has a area, that all you have to do is when he has you by the neck, remain calm, reach down and grab the heck out of them, pull, squeese, do what you have to do to get him off of you. Then call the cops, and report his a**. If he trys the she hurt me card, say it was self defense. Just remember, once you become a mom, you have to put yourself aside, and think of your kids. If you have a daughter, do you want your daughter to grow up and marry a man that abuses her, or if you have a son, do you want him to grow up and abuse his wife, because he saw that as normal behaviour for a married couple.
@cream97 (29152)
• United States
12 Jul 08
No, I don't want any of this to happen to me.. Or too my kids.. Nor do I ever want to see them do this to their spouses..
2 people like this
@Hatley (164171)
• Garden Grove, California
12 Jul 08
cream for gods sakes dont dilly dally, leave him now and get thehelp you need, okay so the shelter is not rosy,well neitheris your life with him,.and you know it, just get up your nerve and go to the shelter and get the h elp for your kids,please I beg of you, you know this has been going on and you went back to him, why do you really want him to kill you, he can do just that, please my dear woman leave, get help you do not deserve to be treated like dirt you have fudged around the edge of this for a long time with the cellphone bit,youknow what he is like so why ask for more punishement, leave him and get help while you can.
1 person likes this
@chertsy (3804)
• United States
12 Jul 08
Then this has to stop, either by him or by you. Either you stay, and your kids learns from seeing, or you get help for you and your kids. Please though, if he does grab you again, do not hesitate to grab him in that one spot that he will not be expecting. Once you ring them one good time, he will be like ok, I better not grab her again, or she will seriously hurt me. Put the power in your hands. Once he's on the ground crying in pain, tell him if you EVER lay your hands on me or say crap to me, next time, you won't be so lucky, I will rip them off and shove them down your throat. Then tell him, go ahead sweetie, call the cops, because once I say self defense, your a** will be going to jail with a ice pack on your b***s. Then once he's in jail, file a restraining order, so he can't go near you or the kids. Make him stay with mommy and daddy, and pay your mortgage payments at the same time. It's time you put the ball in your court. Men only think they are powerful, but those two round things in between their legs, says other wise.
• Canada
12 Jul 08
I don't think your telling the whole story. Yes, he shouldn't react this way it's not healthy and not good for your children to witness such behaviour. Maybe, when you see that he is angry, you could leave with your kids to visit and relative for a few days. The time apart will be good and maybe both of you could go for counselling. If he doesn't want to go then maybe you could just go. It will help you with making a descision of leaving or staying and how to handle things. They will also give you all kinds of resources in getting a better job or programs for children and family.
@cream97 (29152)
• United States
13 Jul 08
I am telling the whole story up until this point.. He has abused me other times, in the past. He has an record of Criminal Domestic Violence in 2003.. This is not the first time that this has happened to me. He told me years ago, that he will kill me and to leave..
@vanities (11409)
• Davao, Philippines
12 Jul 08
i have never experienced that n my life....i guess when the first time he hit you or something you had call the police..and maybe it will not reached this far of hurting you physically and emotionally..he is a bad person you dont deserve to be treated like this..is there any organization that will help you on this kind of situation (dealing with abused wife or battered wife)? maybe you should contact them..or if only if you got the financial then maybe you could leave him...have you seen the movie "enough" by jlopez? its somewhat the same story..
@cream97 (29152)
• United States
12 Jul 08
Yes, I have seen the movie, Enough.. She kicked his behind in this movie. I wish I could play her role in this movie, to know whom is calling my husband's cell phone and, she ended up calling back the number. And actually spoke to this woman. Well, that is what I want to find out.. Every time, I am around my husband he will look at his caller ID,nad then he will put it back down. Most of the times, I want to know whom is actually calling him like that, to where he does not answer it. I am so unsure whom it is. But, I do plan to check it tomorrow. Hopefully by then he does not erase the number out of the phone. If he does, then I know that he has something to hide. Catching him will be the hardest thing that I will have to do.
1 person likes this
@chrislotz (8200)
• Canada
29 Aug 08
If you stay you need to work this out, as it has become a really big problem once he starts saying those mean things to you, to say that about your mother. He has a problem with his own happyness and is taking things out on you, by the sounds of it. He is not happy and he needs to find a way to be happy again. So you need to talk to him about all of this and ask him if he is happy and if not what would make him happy. Maybe he wants out of this marriage too and is afraid to tell you. Because of your kids, you need to do something about this, as it isn't good for them to grow up in this abuse. The kids see what is going on and since you put up with it, they think it is okay behaviour and sorry to say this, but kids learn from their parents and they are learning the wrong messages. You can get a divorce and he can still see the kids. Maybe he would see them more often if they didn't live with him and maybe he will get closer to them by doing things with them. Now that two months have gone by since you posted this discussion, can You tell me if things are different now or have they changed? Are you still with him?
@msedge (4012)
• United States
21 Jul 08
My first marriage was unsuccessful.I was a battered wife.I suffered alot for the sake of our child but the most painful part was i couldn't take my daughter watching her father beating me.I knew there was a mixed emotions of nervousness and fear.Since i couldn't decide to leave.She made it for me that give me the courage to do it.Now, we found a new happy family again.I am glad God finally gave me a man that i love and loves me and my daughter in return.
@jdyrj777 (6541)
• United States
18 Jul 08
If he doesnt agree to counceling then you need to think about your kids and yourself. Get out! I dont know where you are but in the USA we have safe houses that abused women can go to and they will help with schooling, employment and housing. I had to run away 2 time in my life. Both times i had children. The first time they didnt have safe houses. I just took the rent and bill money and bought a bus ticket back to my home state where all my relatives are. Without counceling it will not get better. Dont fool yourself into thinking that it will.