Are you selfish like me or do you support your soldier?

United States
July 12, 2008 11:42am CST
So, my husband is deploying with the Air National Guard in about 2 weeks and will be gone for 6 months. I'm slowly starting to slip into panic mode. Everyone in my family depends on him so much, I have no idea what to expect. Have you ever had a spouse that has deployed or is deploying soon? I can't help but lean toward the selfish side and think about how stressful this is going to be on me and the kids. I know I should be more concerned with HIS well being and how HE will deal with this, but right now, I'm just more focused on how WE will get through this. Is this normal or am I just being seriously selfish and unsupportive?
2 people like this
6 responses
@gem4678 (220)
• United States
12 Jul 08
It is very difficult when our soldiers go away. Wether it is just a normal deployment or war. I had jsut married my husband not even a year before he left for Iraq, and our son had just turned 2 months old, his father had passed away while he was on training so he didn't get his training because he had to come back for that, and I didn't know anyone barely when he left. I was only 19 and had no clue what was out in the world and had never even imagined military life. I guess it was a good thing that I don't like people to see me cry or anything like that I don't let people in much so that made me hold it all in when he was around. But what is comes down to is that you need to try and be as strong as you can for him, just let him know you are there for him and you support him and then you can worry and be scared all you want. It is very scary to go through this and not know what to expect, but it is even harder on them. We will never understand what all they go through, but dont beat yourself up too much I think it is normal to worry about ourselves, because we have to live through it its just a matter of making sure you let them know you are thinking of them too. So straight up your not bieng unsupported unless you are so worried about yourself that your not even thinking of him or being there for him and from the sounds of it you are your just a little scared and nervous and that is normal so don't stress yourself out about that you'll have enough to deal with. Good luck and I hope everything goes well for you and your family.
2 people like this
• United States
13 Jul 08
That's so so sad. Thank you so much for sharing your story and for the advice. I do agree with what you said, that we will never understand all that they go through. I'm hoping I can just pull it together sometime soon. It definitely helps to hear from other women, like you, who have experienced this before. Thank you so much!
1 person likes this
@checapricorn (16065)
• United States
12 Jul 08
Hi cherylsousa, I believed that is a very normal feeling but try to overcome it and be supportive to your partner...I know it will not also be easy for him and he needs your comfort and support! I have a friend who experienced that and they were able to manage it properly by being with each other...
2 people like this
• United States
12 Jul 08
Thanks checapricorn! Believe me when I say, I want SO badly to be supportive. I just haven't figured out how to get to that point yet. I'm still thinking about how I will not only have to continue with my responsibilities, I will also have to take on all of his. Then I have 2 little ones that are attached to daddy so much they can't even handle him being away for 2 weeks out of the year. I honestly don't know how this is going to feel and am so not prepared.
1 person likes this
• United States
12 Jul 08
You are totally normal! This is not being selfish or unsupportive in any way. He's your husband and you are in love with him. In this situation you have to look on the positive side. He's defending your country and your freedom! He's only going away for 6 months (the army is gone for over a year and my hubby is a marine...if he goes it'll be for 8 to 10 months). Last, but certainly not least, he's coming back to you soon. You are being supportive by not wanting him to go....that's showing that you love him and want him to be with you forever.
• United States
13 Jul 08
It's definitely a relief to know that I am not a rotten human being for feeling like I do! You're right, I need to start looking at the positive side. Things could be so much worse. I can't even imagine him being gone for over a year. And you're right, he's coming back to us soon. It's really good to know that I'm not alone! Thanks fafinette!
1 person likes this
• United States
14 Jul 08
No problem at all! I must support all us military spouses! Make sure that these last two weeks are the best and more memorable for the both of you. Do things that you haven't done before and take tons of pictures. While he's away, make sure to send him plenty of things to remember you by including these pictures. This can be a thing that brings the two of you closer together. It all about how you treat the situation and what you do with it. I'm here for you if you need support or just time to vent.
1 person likes this
• United States
14 Jul 08
What GREAT ideas! I feel like we had so much time to prepare and now I'm rushing around trying to get so much done before he leaves. Thank you so much for your support!
• United States
14 Jul 08
My husband is Air Force, and he deployed recently. In the 2-1 weeks before he deployed, I was angry at him for leaving me out here, at a base 2,000 miles from my family, all alone. And I started dumb fights over minor things, but that stopped several days before he left. The first time I dropped him off at the airport I was so upset that I was actually nauseous walking back to my car. The first two weeks are the most stressful, but after that, things settle into place, and it's not so hard any more. Just don't try to go it alone, rely on your friends and family, their support will help the most. I kind of think that the guys have an easier time adjusting. They aren't facing the uncertainty that the spouse does. They are going, with a lot of their buddies, to do the job they were trained to do. It's a hard time, but the military knows how to handle a deployment, and take care of their deployed. I think that the problems the spouse faces are greatly overlooked.
1 person likes this
• United States
14 Jul 08
This is exactly how I have been feeling! Like he is leaving us alone. I've been angry with him, angry with the military, angry at pretty much everyone and everything. Today so far has been a good day. We only have so much time left to be together before he leaves and I really don't want it to be filled with anger. It's definitely reassuring to know that the anger does subside and I most likely won't feel like this the whole time he is gone. I'm pretty far from my family, as well. I'm here in TN and my family is all up north in MA. We have a family briefing in just a few days at the base and there will be other wives there. I'm hoping maybe I will meet someone there that maybe feels the same way and at least we can support each other while our husbands are gone. Thanks so much for your story. It really helps a lot!
• United States
14 Jul 08
I think the family briefing is a turning point. I hate that meeting, but it does give you good information, and the support resources that you may need (especially since you have kids). I think what I hate about the meeting is that it makes everything so real because is shows you the big picture, but it also helps me to not be angry at him anymore. I'm glad I could help, there are lots of spouses going through the same thing right now.
@aretha (2538)
• United States
16 Jul 08
my husband was deployed to iraq for a year,he has been home for about a year and a half. i know just what your feeling and its hard. i had a hard time with him going i had never been with out him like that and with him going where he was going it was the worst feeling. I DID IT!! its funny what we can do when we have too. you will do just fine. i had my days where i didn't think i could do it anymore but guess what i did. we had lots of pictures of daddy around the house and talked about daddy alot. the kids loved do projects to send to daddy so we had lots of paper and glue. a really good place to get fun things for the kids to do and send is orientaltrading.com. Then we would go shopping just for daddy and get his fav snacks and drinks and we always had to get double most of it cuz the kids had to drink and eat daddys favs too. We also did alot to keep us busy,the park and in the summer we went swimming alot. My family was great to and did what they could to keep us busy. you are stronger then you think you are and you will see just how strong. you should beable to talk to your husband alot on the computer and phone,i'm not sure what his job is so i'm not sure. my husband drove truck and was on the road alot but we still got to talk on the net alot i went and got a microphone and webcam and he got a headset so he could talk to the kids and see them and once in awhile he would get a computer with a cam so we could see him. I'm not sure how old your kids are but mine where 5and 1 and it really helped them i think. i know its gonna be hard but you can do it you will see.
• United States
15 Jul 08
I am sorry to hear that your husband will be going away for such a long time, but I am also thankful we have men like your husband who are willing to support and defend our country. I have friends who are in the military and thier husbands or sons have gone overseas. I know that that is their job but I also feel so bad for the wives and children left behind. I wish you all the best and hope your husband will be home safe in 6 months. We appreciate yours and his sacrifices for our country.