Should I try to get my Ex husband out of my childrens life?

United States
July 16, 2008 9:33am CST
My ex husband and I have two children together. He is a very unhappy person, very negative, and selfish. My oldest son idolizes him and is acting just like him. He will pout, cry, and complain over everything that doesn't go his way. here are some examples. Took them to a fun park full of great things to do. we rode rides and then went to watch fun kids shows. My son didn't want to and he sat there complaining about how stupid it was and pouting. Then once it really got going he enjoyed the show. Yet he tried to ruin it for everyone before he even gave it a chance. We took them to a zoo and it wasn't what he wanted to do so he complained and pouted most of the day. This type of behavior is one of the reasons I divorced my his dad. Okay so here is the real problem. My ex will not keep a job, he will go weeks without calling the boys or coming to get them. every time he does this my oldest son will cry and emotionally pull away from everyone in the family. My ex will tell lies when he does finally show up or call saying he had to work or go out of town and then I will find out he was not working because he quit his job and was out at the bar or somewhere else. He has went several months without a phone call or seeing the boys. About the time they adjust to him not coming around or answering his phone he shows back up. Then he will do better for a couple of months. I don't understand how someone who only sees their kids every other weekend can blow them off like that. He has all week and every other weekend to do what he wants to do. He has also been weirding out when I do talk to him. He acts like he has been drinking or on drugs. He asked about getting the boys a couple of weekends in a row and I said so you are wanting them fourth of July? He was like oh that is next weekend well never mind then. Another time he kept saying hello every time I would say hello like he could not hear me until I finally said what do you want. Then he called my husbands number asking if my husband would hire him. And my husband kept saying hey this is Travis. Finally my husband had to say hey man I thought you were calling about the boys. Then my ex was like oh sorry Wrong Travis. My ex said he would start picking the boys up on Thursday night during the summer and then don't show up again. He is back on a downward spiral again which means he is back to lying and not picking them up again. I don't know how long it will last this time before we hear from him again. I called and left a message on his phone telling him to man up and be a father to these boys and stop lying to them and pick them up like he is supposed to. My husband is a great dad to these kids and is there for them in every way he can be. We have talked about drawing up papers and asking my ex to sign away his rights so that my husband can adopt them. My husband backed out because he did not want to hurt the boys that way. But I am tired of my ex dragging out the hurt and I some times think it is best to just cause one big hurt and then the worrying and waiting on their dad will be over. They will no longer be hurt every time he don't show up. which is happening more and more all the time. Is it wrong of me to want my husband to adopt my kids? Should I have the papers drawn up and just see if he would give up his rights that easily? What are your thoughts on this delicate matter? I just want to do what is best for my boys.
1 response
@drannhh (15219)
• United States
17 Jul 08
This is a sad story, but I guarantee you that the one thing that will drive your boys right into the arms of their bad father is trying to keep them apart. Please, please never in any way compare you son to his father in a negative way, because you cannot give the boy a transfusion and make his somebody else. That is his father's blood running through his veins as well as your own. But if he is raised right, then he will not grow up like his father, he will grow up and see for himself what his father was. He is a child now, though, and cannot see this. I hope that he has positive male role models in his life who can step in and fill the void. A boy needs that. Actually, so does a girl. I don't see how adopting the boys can hurt them, though. Signing away his legal rights should not, however, preclude your son from seeing his father if and when the scumbag decides to pop back in and disrupt your lives. It should, however, make it possible for you and your husband to set up some ground rules after the fact. Good luck.
• United States
20 Jul 08
Thank you for the advice. I do fear that you are right that by trying to help ease the pain their father causes I may push them right into his arms even more. The only Reason I mentioned the negativity from my son is to explain the negative impact my ex has on his oldest child. My oldest is also very sensitive and has a great heart. He is a wonderful person. Raising him right is not helping to take the negative attitude away. He sounds just like his father when he says things like I might as well not even try to get into a program at school I want to get into because I won't get in anyway. My son is a straight A student and with a positive attitude might get into the program. He has to interview good in order to get in and with that attitude he won't make it which will reinforce his negative attitude. I have tried talking to him about it. I have tried to show him that when we take him places and he has that attitude it brings everyone down and ruins a great time for him and everyone else. Nothing helps and makes that part better. I just don't want him to grow up and be miserable and he will if he can not figure out how to be happy with the things he has and he has plenty and we do lots with them. He does have a positive role model in my husband who thank God is teaching him what a great father does. My dad, my step dad, my husbands dad, are all great men to show my children what good men are about. I don't plan on dieing any time soon but if I was to die before they are grown they would be forced to live with my ex husband. I hate that thought and think it is best to do the adoption. I really think that if my ex signs away his rights he will stop coming around anyway. He is getting worse and worse about coming as it is so I think even if he had the option to visit the kids he will not use that option. I just really worry that they might hate me for his bad behavior if we go through with the adoption. Thank you very much for the help and another point of view. It is a very tricky situation that is for sure.