what would you do if you couldnt trust your mom with your kids
@easymoney75503 (1702)
United States
July 17, 2008 11:22am CST
ok i was taken from my mom do to abuse and since she has grown up some. she wants to see the kids and well i just cant trust her. she still smokes pott. she still uses men like towels. she is all about money. she is very demanding on looks etc. i have raised my kids to be themselves and not pretend she is oposite of that. we dont do drugs or drink she does. she thinks she can buy there love and they could care less about things liek that. she is wanting to see them and i usally let her see them about 2 times a year but on;y with me around and she doesnt come to my house. she isnt allowed. she doesnt even know where i live. well teh kids are 11 and 13 and she is wanting them to come see her for 2 days. i will not let her of course i dont trust her. she keeps saying she doesnt understand she thinks she was a prefect mom and we just had mean people in our family that took us from her. not true though she was horriable. psyically, mentally, left us alone at young ages , drugs, drinking, men, moving, everything. what would you do?
8 people like this
19 responses
@danishcanadian (28953)
• Canada
17 Jul 08
I would be totally honest with her and say that because of stu that happened in the past, the saest best for you is to be rather paranoied aout leaving your kids with people. You want the kids to have a better childhood than you did. If that hurts her, touch crap!! She made her bed, now she has to lie in it.
2 people like this
@loveromances (89)
• United States
18 Jul 08
I don't let my mom have my kids either. She is too busy with her 'stuff' to take care of my kids. She couldn't take care of me and my brother when we were growing up, she isn't doing the same to my kids. I told her flat out, she can't have them. She can come over to visit whenever, and we'll come over when we aren't busy, but she doesn't get them without my supervision. She made really harsh threats that she will call the state and tell them all kinds of nasty so she will get custody, and I told her to go ahead, that the state isn't stoopid. They'll know the truth the first time they visit her, and my house. Don't be scared or threatened. You wouldn't let a complete stranger off of the streets watch your kids, why should it be any different with a mother who won't grow up. It's not the 60's anymore. I hope you find this helpful. Have a good day.
1 person likes this
@Thoroughrob (11742)
• United States
17 Jul 08
If I let her see them at all, it would be supervised. I would not let her have them alone, no way.
1 person likes this
@xXxMikesWifeyxXx (3072)
• United States
27 Jul 08
well obviously you have made your mind up. does she live close to you?.
mabey you could just stop by with the kids and let her see them for a few hours.
i understand she made mistakes with you guys mabey she is trying to make them up by being good to your kids.
obviously your not ganna leave your kids with her.BUT i dont see how a little visit with her could hurt them.
supervised of course.
@Hatley (163781)
• Garden Grove, California
17 Jul 08
easymoney75503 hi dont let her take them for two days, its one'
thing for her to visit them at your home in yoiur presence
but God knows what she might do alone with them. do not
take the chance at all. Wherever you were when she last sawthe kids might be okay for her to visit with them as long as
you chaporone her. Make it clear to here that you do not'
trust her because of how she treated you as children. She has to know that that just will not fly now. she must not be allowed to touch them in any way.
1 person likes this
@mommyboo (13174)
• United States
27 Jul 08
I would absolutely not give in. She has no right to expect any good graces or bending from you, and as a wise parent, I see that you are on the right path. It would neither be good for you OR for the kids. It doesn't matter if she doesn't understand, and I would not care how much she complained or argued or put me down over it. I would stand my ground and maintain that AFTER my kids were over 18 and it was on them to pursue some type of relationship with her themselves, they could, but that by then they'd probably be wise enough to know that it wasn't a good idea. Sorry but sometimes there is no making up for mistakes you've made in your life, and you should never expect people you have hurt to that degree to forgive and forget. It is especially unrealistic for your mom to have these expectations based on her treatment of you when you were a child.
@sid556 (30960)
• United States
18 Jul 08
I think that your mom really probably does love you and your children and she probably really does want to be a part of your lives. The fact is that she really can't be what she wants to be for you because she is in denial about her own issues. As long as she pretends they don't exist, they will not go away. On some level she does know that she is not the mother or grandmother that she would like to be or that she needs to be in order to be a positive part of your lives. By denying her the kids, you are forcing her to see herself as you see her and obviously she doesn't like it. Still, you are doing the right thing. Stick to what you feel is right. If mom wants to be a part of their life, then she will just have to clean up her act. Maybe she will. Your kids are old enough to see her for what she is and to know the truth about her. Do they even want to go with her?
@newtondak (3946)
• United States
18 Jul 08
My mom has a mental illness, and while she takes medication and lives on her own, I would not trust her to watch or keep the kids unsupervised.
@Deea48 (1166)
• United States
18 Jul 08
I think you made the right choice,she lost her rights to you and because of that she lost the rights to the grandkids as well. Besides I thin the fact that you have in her your life at all and they get to see your mom with you there is more then enough. Like you I would of found it hard to leave my kids with someone who had her issues of abuse and neglect. She should just be grateful to have you in her life at all.
@tessah (6617)
• United States
18 Jul 08
i would (and have) do exactly what yer doing. tell her no. whether she understands or grasps yer reasonings is irrelevant. you already know from how she treated you as a child, and her behavior hasnt changed, that she cannot be entrusted with the safety of your children.. taking the risk so she isnt upset with you, only puts YOUR children in the position of experiencing what you did as a child, and the lengths you have taken to break the cycle of it and not be the kind of mother she is to give them a better childhood than you had, will be completely for naught. once the damage is done, you cant take it back. keep them free and clear of this woman the same way you have been.. how she feels about it is inconsequential. shes earned yer distrust and contempt.
@salonga (27775)
• Philippines
18 Jul 08
You are right in your decision! You have all the good reasons not to entrust your kids to her. My goodness, with all those vices, why do? If I were in your place, I would do the same. I will not let my children stay with her even for a day. Maybe just let them see and kiss her, some few moments of visitation but never to stay with her. I would never allow my children see bad examples from my own mom. She was supposed to be a good example to her grandchildren but with all those vices, what will the children learn?
@Ravenstorm3 (45)
• United States
18 Jul 08
I certainly believe in forgiving someone....that does not mean you FORGET the importance of why you had to forgive them. As unfortunate as it is that your mother did all those things and lost her children...that was not enough to make her stop and therefore she STILL cannot be trusted with children....and 11 and 13 are indeed VERY impressional and experimental! I would let her know the reality of why I was taken from her..........(personally I don't believe she doesn't understand)and why her continued actions make it impossible for me to trust her. There is no need for ugliness but being factual is called for regardless of her understanding or not........facts are facts and boundaries are boundaries...you are protecting your children with a boundary you made and you stick with it! Her not understanding is nothing more than her refusal to take responsibility for her actions. I would do exactly what you're doing....Moms protect their children. Stay strong.
@bellis716 (4799)
• United States
19 Jul 08
I would not let her have unsupervised visits with your children. Young teenagers alone two days with grandma who still smokes pot, NO WAY!
@honeydew82174 (1720)
• United States
18 Jul 08
My mother is the same way. I never left my kids alone with her when they were little. Now my son is 15. I do let him go because he is old enough to decide if he wants to see grandma. He is also old enough to call home if there is trouble. My mother did not see me kids much of there life so now she is careful what she does when she has them. When she has a chance to see the kids which is not often she walks the straight and narrow. She waits until they leave to do her business. I think the years I did not talk to her made her relieze if she wanted to be in our lives she had to go by my rules.
@kimbers867 (2539)
• United States
17 Jul 08
I would seriously go with your gut instinct. You know your mom the best and if you don't feel comfortable don't do it. Does she want the kids to come visit her without you? There would be no way, I would do this.
Could you possible go and stay at a motel near her so she could come visit or all of you do some things together?
@makingpots (11915)
• United States
18 Jul 08
Hi, easymoney.
It is pretty simple. You have many reasons to not trust her. I think you should not even consider letting them stay with her without you present.
This would be a no brainer for me.
@lvaldean (1612)
• United States
18 Jul 08
I think you have answered your own question. Like you I have a difficult relationship with my mother. Although our mothers have different vices the outcome is the same I think. There is no reason for you to give in to your mother,they are your children and you must do what you believe is best for them.
@jinglebee (61)
• United States
18 Jul 08
there's no way i'm going to let anyone like your mom watch my kids or even be around them.you are not responsible of your mom, you are responsible of your kids' well being so you'd rather hurt her feelings than let your kids get hurt. the key point though is to make sure that your kids understand why you are doing this and be sure that they wont get the wrong idea about it. it should be clear to your kids that it's not hatred, you are just trying to protect them from what can possibly happen. you can tell them about your past, they're old enough to understand it.
@fwangaa (3057)
• China
18 Jul 08
though,i don't know the general mean of your discussion. i know you don't want your mather to see your children,because your mother has so many shortcomings.
she don't know where your lives.and why your mother can communicate with you, and she told you that she want to see your children?
i think you can take your children to yor mother's home together. not stay there too more time,i don't think your mother will hurt your children.if she hurt your children,you can bring your childre out off your mother's home.
i think your children are not only stay with you.they also live in society .you can see your children anytimes.so you must teach you children to control themslef to leave bad habit.
