Husband's expectations

United States
July 21, 2008 11:25am CST
We've been together for 15 years and yet the same issue errupts year after year - what my husband expects from me. I feel very fornutate, he truly is loving and supportive and treats me with respect and honor. However, he allows things that "bug" him to fester for months, maybe even years and then it becomes a huge fight/discussion/difficult situation. Little about me: I'm 35, I sufer from hormone problems and believe that I may have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (still seeing lots of doctors to figure out what's wrong with me). I'm a stay at home mom of three (4 year old and twin 2 year olds)and we have a new home (4000 sq. ft.). He tells me that I have a full time job that I only work part-time. He also tells me that he provides, provides and provides and feels like he's not getting the same from me. I'm looking for some insight. On the one hand I feel like taking care of three small kids day in, day out, is in itself a huge job and that he needs to get over himself. But the part of me that wants to be the best wife possible feels that I've HAVE to find the stregnth and energy to do what he wants. Now keep in mind that I keep a clean home (yes it gets messy, but it's not shameful - and remember the size of the house!). I engage the kids daily and work hard to make sure healthy meals are made for my family each and every day. Yep, dinner is on the table EVERY night! I don't want to make my hubby out to be a tirant, he's not in the least and he helps with the kids and will do housework if I ask. But it's when he feels that he's forced to help because i've gotten behind that it once again becomes an issue. It's as if I should be able to read his mind. We talk it out, but it always circles back again in time. I'm not sure if I'm just not "getting it". Or if his expectations are too much or I'm just not trying hard enough. I feel that I am working hard enough(especially considering my health), but I just don't know anymore??? Any insight would be so wonderful! Thanks!
2 people like this
12 responses
@carolscash (9498)
• United States
22 Jul 08
I don't exactly know what your husband expects from you. You seem to get enough done to me. Taking care of children is a full time job and then you have a large house to keep clean, laundry to do, cooking and I am sure that you do more for him than he realizes. Start making a list of all you do and show him and he will realize that you have a full plate! My husband lets things bug him too until they explode into an argument over something stupid. It drives me crazy!! He knows not to ask me to do more around here or I will tell him to do it himself. I work part time,home school the kids,cook, do laundry, clean house, do most of the yardwork, do all of the shopping, and help him out with his business.
1 person likes this
@AnnaB7 (757)
• United States
22 Jul 08
Your life sounds like mine except the shopping part, up until recently my husband did that, But now I have been doing most of the shopping,. ANd current I am working on trying to get a degree so maybe I can eventually get a job that pays well enough so I can afford to be away from the house, my classes start in the morning, I also homeschool, and just recently started selling avon, plus I make things to sell, and I am fed up with laundry because there is never anywhere to put it, lol My husband though is not well so he does not do much, he is unemployed currently so it makes it hard to get much done around the house, I don't know why it just does,,, Anyway, I hope you have a great day, and I hope your kids are old enough to help out, if it were not for my daughter I don't know what I would do, she is a verybig help to me...
@sunshine4 (8706)
• United States
21 Jul 08
First off...being a stay at home mom is more work than a full time job. At a full time job you usually work 40 hours a week...a sahm works 24/7. It sounds like your husband is a wonderful provider. Is his concern that you aren't bringing income into the house, or that the house isn't the way he would like it at times? I would suggest that you have a date night~ get a sitter so no kids are around, once a week. During this time, you can go to dinner and discuss different things that are concerning both you and your husband. If you are out in public it will be more of a conversation that won't get into an arguement. If you have some girlfriends, schedule a girls weekend. This will give your husband a little taste of your life day in and out. He will be responsible for the house and the kids, so he will see what you do daily. If that isn't a possibility, tell your husband that you would like to start a journal so he can see exactly what you are doing each day. Some men think that we spend our time watching tv or online when we are actually doing laundry, taking care of the kids, cooking and cleaning all day while we sneak in a little time for ourselves. Hopefully your health issue will be resolved soon and everything will work out for you.
1 person likes this
• United States
21 Jul 08
First, welcome to myLot. It's really a wonderful community! Those kids really are a full-time job! What a great job it is! At least until the doctors find out exactly what's wrong in your system, maybe you could gather info on Chronic Fatigue (internet's a great place ro do that, of course), and ask him to read some of the things you find. Highlight what's most relevant. Once there's a verdict on your diagnosis, te doctor should talk to your husband, too. Many people don't think chronic fatigue syndrome is nothing but self-indulgence, but it's been proven to be a very real and very difficult illness, many times. If people who suffer from it respond to your post, print their reponses out to show your husband. He sounds like a good guy who just needs a litle help to fully understand. Good luck, and good health!
1 person likes this
@snowy22315 (99844)
• United States
21 Jul 08
There is no doubt about it, You do have a fulltime job with those kids. Even jsut having the twins would be enough of a job. It is a miracle you are able to work at all. I think your husband is expecting much too much out of you. I would let him know respectfully you are doing a great job. You probably are tired just from doing all the things you do each day. I would let him know that if he wants more earing from you he has to particpate more in the childcare. You cant do it all.
1 person likes this
@clstar08 (68)
• United States
21 Jul 08
I am sorry for your situation. I think that you are doing the best that you can considering you circumstances. If I were you, I would ask your husband to be a bit more understanding while you figure out what is wrong with your health. Also, as your children get older, you can ask them to do some of the easier tasks around the house. Make it into a fun game, or award them for helping. Good luck with whatever happens. I hope things get easier.
1 person likes this
• United States
22 Jul 08
Simply being a mother is a full time job. Thinking back to when I was 35, it's sad to see a person your age with no energy. Have you seen a doctor and talked about this fatigue issue? For some reason I am picturing the need for exercise to increase your metabolism? Is that possible? Do you ever take a break and have any "by yourself" fun time? That is very important for us all. Is this a "man thing", does he want more romance or one-on-one time for the two of you? For some reason many women seem to put the child before the partner and this can lead to marriage problems. Look in your mirror, smile, try to find time for just you and him and hear him out when he talks to you. Don't let children interfere with the bond that made you and him be together. Love bloomed once and it can again. Don't ever forget that fatigue can lead to getting over-weight. A responsible, hard working man isn't so easy to find these days. Appreciate him more and put some bounce back into you and your life may get better.
22 Jul 08
I think you are definately doing your best, but then again I don't blame your husband either. It can be very difficult for someone out at work to understand what a stay at home mum does all day, even if they are working very hard. I went through a period of unemployment, and was rapidly fed up of people presuming that just because I wasn't out at work I sat around all day. Make a list of all the things you do in the day and show it to your husband- it will help him to appreciate how hard you work.
• Philippines
22 Jul 08
i'm sorry to hear that from you. but i guess every relationship has its own story to tell and own problem to solve. your's, no matter how you try to make everything stay on the right track, is not an excuse. i think there's no better way to solve a problem than to have a constant communication with each other, and to treat each other with respect and patience. try to talk with your husband constantly about the issue. lay your cards, and try to do something about it. i am sure he will understand, considering your health condition. just stay strong and keep on praying for the best. hope things will be more easier for you. good luck!
@4ofmyown (1119)
• United States
22 Jul 08
From one stay at home mom to another...your job is definetely full time!!! I struggle with 4 kids that are in school and a house half your size. I give any parent credit that stays home with her children and cares for the house because it is not easy. It is non-stop and can be lonely at times. My first husband was kind of the same way...he just didn't get it why I thought he was lucky that he got to leave and go to work sometimes. He used to tell me Ihad it easy and didn't know why I couldn't get it done when I had all day. So, one week I wrote down everything I did...for the whole week...EVERYTHING. I even wrote the time down. When I handed it to him, it was literally pages and pages. He never said another thing to me. Good luck and I hope your husband "gets it" soon. ****Welcome to Mylot, by the way!!!
@shinymood (406)
• China
22 Jul 08
You are really doing a great job taking care of three kids and more! I know how things would be for a family without a mom. My husband wouldn't do any housework if not asked either. I would suggest you go get him read some of the responses here in mylot and see if it helps. Or you two can swap roles for a day or two, let him takes care of the kids and the cleaning for you and you enjoy going out for example. I'm sure he'll soon be much more understandable having experiencing all those house chores himself. And i want you to keep healthy too. Health is the primary element for a person to be able to love,to help and anything. Make yourself happier and your whole family benefits!
@rsa101 (29007)
• Philippines
22 Jul 08
Well I guess you two are both doing you part in the marriage. The only thing that lacks from both of you is that you don't appreciate what the other is doing for the family and vice versa. I think what he is needing is that you appreciate what he is doing like working and providing what the family needs. That is why maybe he whines that he keep on providing and providing. Well one solution for that maybe you tell him what good he has done for the family and you do share what you have done with also. I guess by letting him be aware that you did a good job being at home and being a mother to your children and also let him see that you are doing your job at being a good wife to him. Don't tell this in a manner that you may look boastful about that as it may send out a wrong signal. Do it lightly and with glee, then when he arrives at home welcome him and appreciate him of being a good father and a husband. Do not confront him immediately about bills and everything just be happy being around him and let him feel that he deserves the rest for the hard days work he worked for you and the family. Let your children appreciate their father too.
@AnnaB7 (757)
• United States
22 Jul 08
I just wrote you a really long post and the computer ate it, it was full of helpful advise too, lol anyway, I think that so long as your doing the best that you can in the areas that you can you should not worry so much, okay, There are some things you can do to make life easier for you such as making meals ahead, buy several crock pots (at least two or three) and use these to make some meals ahead. When you make any meal that will freeze such as meatloaf or chicken pot pie make two, one to eat now one tor freeze so you'll have that for later in the week when you may not be feeling as well. So you don't have so much to do. Take your children out for two daily walks a day if at all possible put them in a stroller and try walking at least 30 minutes to and hour twice a day (in time this will increase your energy levels but you have to keep doing it every day) Plan for a daily quiet time for both you and the kids, also have a certain amount of time each day devoted to household chores, during this time your kids can either help (within the limits of their age and ability) or you can set them up with some toys in a restricted areas that they have to stay in (where you can see them) while you get done with what you have to do. Then plan your meals use a menu and follow that, also learn what portion sizes are, I did not know what they really are until the doctor referred me to a specialist who helped me with that, okay besides that if you have as I do a hormonal problem then you need to be extra careful with what you eat and how much because you can gain weight easier than others and then not loose it, I know because that is where I am now, but now that I know what I am supposed to be doing I am working on the things I need to but it takes a lot of time, and right now I have decided to work on one problem or goal in my life at a time, I have been working on the house, and now it is not exactly as I would like it but it is livable so now I have started on something else, when I have at least reached a point where I can see I am making progress I will be working on something else, Just remember to do your best in everything you do, take one day at a time, and when the house needs a catching up cleaning call up your best friend and ask if they feel like coming over for a cleaning party while your husband is at work, then repay them teh favor when they need a helping hand, maybe even have a weekly cleaning party, PS Want to know who your real friends are? Well it's the ones who will come over and help you clean up a mess that they did not help make. and that is really needing fixing, :o) Hope you have a great day, and enjoy your babies while they are small, I spent way toop many days and hours trying to please a lot of people when my kids were that age, and my house is still a mess, not life threatening messy or anything like that but messy none the less and not like I would like for it to be, Maybe one of these days I'll write a best seller book, and when I do I am hiring a maid to come in several times a week, especially if I can get rich enough to do that, lol. Hope you and your husband have a long and happy marriage...