Dictatorship or Partnership?

Perhaps this quote from one of my favorite authors will help. Takes some thinking about it though.....: "A psycholgically mature person looks for the positive in every situation, for no experience is entirely negative." People who act as you describe are definitely NOT psychologically mature. And frankly I think they are supressing or hiding a lot of anger. And under that anger is a 'sewer of self-pity', so it's always, 'my way or the highway'. Just my tired thoughts on the matter.

As a man I would like to put my 2 bits in. I totally agree that any guy that would treat their lady like that. I just want to say that all guys arent like that. I absolutely worship the ground that my wife walks on. We are best friends but she also is free to have her own friends, she has her own credit card, I just bought her a brand new car. My wife works full time and she is a definate great woman. Not to mention a great mother. I dont know why some guys go on these power trips but for some of those ladies that this is happening to I just ask that you be careful because this can be interperted as abuse and I sure wouldnt want the abuse to go further. So just one more time, please dont paint all guys with the same brush. I know you didnt but I just dont want others to see it that way either Thanks for the great post to respond to Dale

I think it's something passed from generation to generation. Strong behaviour patterns are mirrored in children and they assume the role of either parent and then attract or attracted to people they can dominate or be submissive to, whichever the case of the parent they emulate. I think it's also the company people find themselves in. It's all about dysfunction. My father firmly believes that women are inferior in every way to men especially in intelligence and he thinks coloured people are inhuman, as in, not human. This of course is in no way an explanation. I would also like to know where people get off behaving this way.

Hi Tess, I really don't inderstand this either, they just seem to want to control. Relationships should be about mutual respect and understanding not about one dishing out the rules and the other obeying. If any man tried to clip my wings it would be them that was flying, straight out the door! Ellie :D

hi tessah I have wondered and wondered about that. Ihave seen discussions where the husbands are given a set of rules, and others where the wife cannot do this or that, what is with these people. dont they trust their mates? After all no adult likes to be given a set of rules by his mate or her mate, that is part of being grown up, we do not need to be shaped anymore, we are who we are, and we are adults now. If you dont trust your mate why in the wo rld did you marry him or her?Would a woman really want a mate who she can boss around and treat like a wimp? Would a man want a woman whom he treats like a child? I dont understand some of the thinking thatshows up in these discussions. I had never given my husband any setof rules, he was an adult and I trusted him so never worried about where he went and he never did anything to make me distrust him, nor I with him. he never questioned me if I wanted to go someplace alone, as he knew I would never do anything wrong, and he trusted me.

Oh...I should be doing laundry or studying my text book, but I had to comment on this one first...hehe My last relationship was one of these. It went both ways. I grew up watching my mom be controlled and abused by every man she ever knew, from her dad to boyfriends to bosses. I hated it and vowed it wouldn't be me in her shoes. SO I became a dominant independent woman. I "tried" to control my husband. He tried to control me. In different ways, we were doing the same thing. But in all reality it was the doom of our relationship, because neither of us were allowed to be ourselves. It wasn't that we didn't love each other, but we surely didn't respect each other, and I'm not totally sure if we even liked each other. After the demise of our relationship, I took a good hard long look at myself. I can say I am a totally different person, and see things in a new light. I know that my mother's issues weren't that she was weak, perhaps she was too strong...I don't know. I am still a strong and independent woman, and that is what makes me who I am. But I know that it is not my place to control my man. He has all the freedom he deserves, and then some, and likewise so do I. We are completely in love with each other for the people we are on the inside, not who we think the other should be. We allow each other to be them self, and continue to discover who that person is. It breaks my heart to see and hear about people in these situations. I want to say to the few here who think they are stuck....you are not, you chose to stay. There is always another option. It may be difficult and go against everything you believe in, but it IS possible. You just need to find you, the one who is buried under all that grief and resentment. Once you find, You, develop a relationship with You, and learn to respect You, and fall in love with YOU.One of two things will happen. Things will change and your significant other will gain the same love and respect, OR you will finally find the motivation and courage to get out. ~peace and blessings!

personally I think people like this who control another person in this way are very scared people, having this control I feel is their way of controlling their mind so is also their way of keeping them away from anything that may attract them away from them...I think they are very insecure people who need to tie theit partners into their world.

why do some people feel the need to rule over their partners like some tiranical lord or treat them like their children rather than their partner? NO SHYT!! I'll never understand that way of thinking..EVER...If ANY man/woman or partner of mine EVER thinks he or she can "parent" me they are not only out of their damn minds but they are also going to get a serious kick in the throat...I've no been parented since I was a child..there is no way in hell anyone is going to start now....and I gave birth and have been raising children..I dont need to add to that by trying to parent my partner I also dont understand why the need to change the one a person is with cause like you said, "if you didnt want them the way they are why the hell are you with them?"

I lived 11 years in such a relationship, I was not allowed to go anywhere and when I did I had a time limit, and God forbid I be late. I did get out of it and promised myself no one would ever do that to me again. Men it seems more than women, have this control problem, and I find that it comes from being so insecure in themselves. They treat their women so bad that they believe the woman is always looking for something better. Sometimes you don't find out how these people are till you are into the marriage, my husband told me that once I signed the marriage license, I became his property, just like the living room sofa. He thought it made him look big in front of people to belittle me, to hit me, he had his woman in control. He ran me down saying I was ugly and no one else would want me, they spit it out daily till you begin to believe it, that is their way of keeping you in toe. Soon as a woman finds out this is what the man is like, (men too) they need to seek help in gettin out, what he is, he isn't going to change, and once they see your weakness they will play harder on it. Don't ever let any one own you, I lost 11 years of my life to this man, but never again.

Women need to stop being doormats, plain and simple. They need to get off their butts, grow a backbone and start whipping some "wife beaters'" a$$'s. It's just like in school when you had a bully picking on you how do you solve it? Stand up to them, don't show them your gonna be their doormat to walk all over, punch them in their low self esteemed faces and walk away. Of course you can't do that now as adults but you can "punch" them by standing up for yourself, if it's not safe for you to do that then call an abuse helpline when the low life is at work or passed out from drinking, and have them help you. NO man or woman for that matter can have THAT much control over you unless you LET them. Good question to ask Tessah, maybe some women or men out there will read through all the responses and get some help.

I think a relationship shouled be a partnership.. I have been in a relationship that the guy was very controlling and abusive... I'm a ferm beleiever that relationship should be a partnership.. I works alot better that way.. In this relationship i couldn't even talking to our friends that we had.. If i was caught outside the house when he got home from work there would have been a big fight. If i was caught with anyone in the house or had been talking to someone on the phone without him there there would have been a big fight.. I couldn't even go out with my friends or family i would be held back if anyone called me and asked me to go somewhere i would have gotten a a dirty look and i would have to tell them no.. So my friends and family just stopped calling me.. No i am married to a nice guy and we have a partnership i love my husband and we have been married for three months now..

2 people in a relationship should have equal say. Men and women should both be able to say what they want to say and do what they want to do without the other saying, "NO! You cant do that, Im the man". I dont think that men should have any authority over a woman, especially if she if faithful and good to him. Women should also be respectful to their boyfriends or husbands. There is no reason why one partner should feel like a "leader/dictator" and the other one should feel like they have no say in anything. A partnership is the only way to run a good, long lasting, healthy relationship.

To have a harmonious relationship there must be a good partnership. Ruling over the other is not good attitude. If someone want to prolong relationship they must have equal rights.