'I'm Sorry For All The Hurt I Have Caused' - Would you forgive?

@ellie333 (21016)
July 28, 2008 2:32pm CST
I HAD a friend who is now living with my ex-husband, okay he is an ex but she knowingly went out of her way to cause hurt and harm not only to me but to my children too. I am a very forgiving person and have forgiven as I don't want my life to be full of bitterness and waste my energy on it, but now suddenly she wants to be friendly again. I DON'T THINK SO, just because I have forgiven doesn't mean I want to associate with her in anyway. Could you forgive and then remain friends, to me for her to have done this she wasn't much of a friend anyway so I don't want her in my life at all and nor do my daughters. Would you forgive? Am I being reasonable in not wanting anything to do with her but at the same time forgiving her? Ellie :D
28 people like this
78 responses
@novataylor (6570)
• United States
28 Jul 08
Ellie, you've gone way beyond reasonable - forgiving her and being civil is enough. No way do you have to have anything to do with her at all - I certainly wouldn't. Of course I don't know the surrounding circumstances, and I don't have to either, but considering the fact that she once went out of her way to hurt you and your children, who's to say that she won't do it again, if she feels she has a reason to. I wouldn't trust her as far as I could throw her, Ellie. You've done the right thing by your way of thinking by forgiving her, but you don't have to go even an iota further than that. Keep her out of your life and out of the lives of your children. I think she's probably got way too much poison in her to want her anywhere around me or mine. Take care, Ellie. And don't worry about it. You've done enough.
@ellie333 (21016)
28 Jul 08
Hi Nova, Thank you, I intend to keep her away, I have blocked calls from her and put email as spam too, to forgive is enough as you say and she is manipulative and strategic and I do not want that type of person in my life ever and gut feeling tells me she would again so I'm taking your advice on this one as this is what I am telling myself too. Ellie :D
4 people like this
28 Jul 08
Hi ellie, I agree with hundred percent,no I wouldn't have her as friend either if it was done to me. Just ignore her or wright her a polite note and say thanks but no thanks or just ignore her. There is a saying forgive and forget but in your case you can't forget and it must have very hard for you to forgive, not me. Love you lots Love & Huggles. Tamara
6 people like this
@ellie333 (21016)
28 Jul 08
Hi Tamara, Love you too bless. I have done all I will do and that is to release myself from it all by forgiving but I don't want anything more to do with her and never will. Friends just don't do that do they. Huugles. Ellie @:D
3 people like this
@babykeka80 (2084)
• United States
28 Jul 08
I would not only not want her in my life but I also would not be able to forgive. As an adult you do not make a point to hurt children. Even if it is an ex if those are his children they will always be his children. Either way I would not want her in my life. You do not have to be bitter or put any energy on it. You also do not have to feel bad about not wanting to associate with her. My sister in law had a best friend that slept with her husband in their sons bed and she forgave her. Now she still is good friends with her and spends a lot of time over there with her along with her husband. I would have not been able to stay with my husband nor would I ever trust those two to be around each other again. My saying to her is "fool me once shame on you...fool me twice shame on me".
6 people like this
@ellie333 (21016)
28 Jul 08
Wow I love that saying and so very true. No she can stay where she is and well away from me and mine eh! Ellie :D
6 people like this
@di1159 (1580)
• United States
28 Jul 08
What a difficult situation for you! I think that like you, with time I would be able to forgive, however to be "friends" again would be out of the question. I would not be able to trust a person like that again and I would not be able to forget or erase it from my mind. You did the right thing by forgiving and getting on with your life and I applaud you for that. You are absolutely right that your energy is not to be wasted on her.
6 people like this
@ellie333 (21016)
28 Jul 08
Hi Thank you for understanding and agreeing with me in that I cannot and will not allow her back into my life but for me to move on I needed to forgive. Ellie :D
5 people like this
• United States
28 Jul 08
Ellie you forgave her for what she did and to me that was big of you. I feel the way you do in that it is best to forgive so that you will not be angry in your heart but Hell no!! I wouldn't be bothered with her either. There wasn't anyone else she could have gone to? That's not right ellie but don't worry about it.
6 people like this
@ellie333 (21016)
28 Jul 08
Hi Linda, They are welcome to each other but she shouldn't expect me to want to be friends after that, stupid woman, she has now realised what she has lost by doing this, but that her problem not mine eh! I am not worried just thought I'd run it by you guys to see how you felt and if you would have reacted the same. Ellie :D
5 people like this
@gemini_rose (16264)
28 Jul 08
Hiya ellie, I had a similar sort of situation to you, I say similar as it sounds similar to the bit I read here. The difference between us is that I will NEVER forgive because what she put me and my children through when she was supposed to be a friend can never be forgiven in my world. OK it was not just her but she took things too far on her side of things. If this girl ever came to me and wanted to be friends with me again, which is not likely, but if she did, well. Lets just say what I would say would not be ladylike. So no, I could not forgive and remain friends and no I would not even forgive.
• United States
29 Jul 08
Hi Gemini, Unforgiveness does not hurt the other party in as much as it hurts you. Forgiving releases your soul from the chain of anger and bitterness. You dont have to forget, ever. And you dont have to associate with the person who has hurt you. Forgiveness is not the same as allowing someone to take advantage of you. Its not saying "you were right", but rather, yes, I acknowledge that you were wrong and I choose to forgive you for you shortcomings, however, I will now protect myself (and my family) from this happening again to me.
6 people like this
@ellie333 (21016)
28 Jul 08
Hi Gemini_rose, It was strategic like it sounds yours was but at the same time I have to forgive to release me from the hurt if that makes sense. I don't want to associate with her at all and actually cannot say for certainty how I would react if I came face to face with her as this was over the phone, probably punch her lights out , me, know but I admit I have felt like it LOL. Its in the past and that is where she can remain too, no way can I ever be friends again, friends don't do that. Ellie :D
4 people like this
@gemini_rose (16264)
29 Jul 08
I understand what you are saying, but unfortunately I am not a very forgiving person and sometimes some things just cannot be forgiven.
4 people like this
• India
29 Jul 08
You have dignified yourself by forgiving her, but she certainly doesn't deserve your friendship any more. As such she has inflicted sufficient damage to you, you should not give her opportunity for more.
@ellie333 (21016)
29 Jul 08
My way of thinking exactly, thank you she will not get another oportunity. Ellie :D
3 people like this
@suspenseful (40193)
• Canada
28 Jul 08
I would be wary of being friends with her. I would have to let some time come between her and me. I want proof that she has become a nicer person and you cannot get that in a few months. You need at least a year, and as much time or more than the time she caused the hurt. So I would be wary, as I would still remember what she did.
5 people like this
@suspenseful (40193)
• Canada
30 Jul 08
I would not trust her. I have too long a memory to trust someone who has hurt me. The damage that that person did to you cannot be undone. I know. I had friends who were supposed to help, but their advice and their lack of help when I needed it hurt me for life. You are well good to be rid of her.
1 person likes this
@ellie333 (21016)
28 Jul 08
Hi Suspenseful, I have no intention of letting her be my friend again she never was if she done something like that was she but I have forgiven that all I can do. Ellie :D
5 people like this
@n30wing (4767)
• Philippines
29 Jul 08
I think your right! It's enough that you forgiven her. But talking out and being friendly it's against my will. Trust is earn and what she did to you was unfair and your children too. If I were in your shoes I'll even tell her the mess she did to my family. Who wants a broken family? It's not easy to forget just like that it's not easy also picking all the pieces of your life starting all again. What is done is done. It's finished! She can just go to hell and just shut up. Nothing can compare the wasted years, the hurts and the pains what she brought to your family. God bless! God is always with you and your children.
5 people like this
@ellie333 (21016)
29 Jul 08
Hi, Oh she knows what she has done alright and delibrately set out to do it which makes it worse, but I have forgiven and yes I thank God every day for my blessings especially those of my children. God bless you too. Ellie:D
3 people like this
@jillhill (37354)
• United States
28 Jul 08
I had a friend in high school....she was my best friend. Well I had been dating this guy for over four years when one night while I was waiting with another friend...he was supposed to pick me up for a date....He drove right by me and went directly to her house and picked her up. So I lost both my best friend and the man I loved in just a matter of minutes. She has been trying to make up to me for over forty years. I now see what kind of life she ended up having with him...and it's no picnic....I have forgiven her but I have a hard time keeping someone in my life that has betrayed me. So I don't blame you one bit....why drag yourself down with someone like that....you can forgive and forget....you just don't have to choose to have that person in your life!
5 people like this
@jillhill (37354)
• United States
28 Jul 08
Thank you sweetie!
5 people like this
@ellie333 (21016)
28 Jul 08
Hi Jill, Yes you summed it up pretty well there, I have chosen to forgive and I have also chosen not to allow this person back into my life. Your friend sounds like she got her Karma then with this guy afterall eh! Things always happen for a reason eh! I was crying over your Reggie last night bless, enjoying, thank you. Lovely pic of you meeting Grandpa Bob too, lucky you, he was so made up with those candles you know. Ellie :D
4 people like this
@PearlGrace (3171)
• United States
28 Jul 08
Hi ellie333. I think you've been incredibly kind to have forgiven her. And all that hurt and bitterness would just destroy you if you hadn't forgiven her. I think what you are saying is quite smart-you forgive her to relieve yourself of those ugly feelings, yet you do not like her as a person (or I got the idea you don't). Thus, I can't think of single reason to have any sort of relationship with her at all! Of course, you have to decide for yourself what the "right thing" is, and I think you already have. I think you are being incredibly reasonable. I think you have this lady's number, and it's 00...
5 people like this
@ellie333 (21016)
28 Jul 08
Hi PearlGrace, NO I DEFINITELY DO NOT LIKE HER LOL. You got the right feeling here. She is after something I guess but she won't get it from me. Forgiveness is as far as I going but that doesn't mean I have to be friends with her eh! and I won't be either. Ellie :D
5 people like this
• United States
28 Jul 08
You go, girl! Boy, she's gotta be sorry she lost you for a friend. I like your spunk! And to think she chose ANY man over your friendship...
5 people like this
@ellie333 (21016)
29 Jul 08
Ah bless thank you for your kind words, her loss eh! LOL. Ellie :D
4 people like this
@tessah (6617)
• United States
28 Jul 08
im of the same mindset.. altho i dont forgive really.. i reach this point of indifference and said person becomes inconsequential. i sure as hell wouldnt wanna get cozy with someone whose already proven theyd betray me when it suits their purpose. youre not unreasonable at all in not wanting anything to do with her.. fact, id be wondering wtf she wanted from you. ..;nod;..
5 people like this
@ellie333 (21016)
28 Jul 08
Hi Tessa, Yes I was beginning to wonder that myself, what it was she now wanted from me, but not letting her anywhere near. I've done my bit in forgiving so I can move on and now she has to live with herself, she's probably realising what he is like as he could be quite controllong if you allowed him to be and wants advice, tough she'll have to learn the hard way
4 people like this
@ellie333 (21016)
28 Jul 08
ooops, pressed button too quick, I love the way you do your nods, LOL. Ellie :D
4 people like this
@tessah (6617)
• United States
28 Jul 08
lol
5 people like this
@guybrush (4658)
• Australia
28 Jul 08
I'm afraid I bear a grudge for a very, VERY long time - possibly forever - so I doubt there would be any possibility in the world of me ever forgiving this person, let alone wanting to associate with them again. If you have forgiven her you are a very good and decent person indeed, ellie - but the woman should understand you and your daughters do not wish to be reminded of past hurts and betrayals and would rather live your lives without her involvement. Forgiving her is a good thing for your own health and wellbeing - but you certainly don't need her throwing herself in your face, and she should respect this and stay away.
5 people like this
@ellie333 (21016)
29 Jul 08
Hi Guybrush, I have no intention of letting her, I have forgiven now and that it as far as I am concerned. I don't need someone like her in my life EVER. Ellie :D
5 people like this
@guybrush (4658)
• Australia
29 Jul 08
Good for you!
5 people like this
@mommy7 (84)
• United States
29 Jul 08
There is no way that I could ever be "friends" with someone like her again. You are not at all being unreasonable. If anything you are being too nice. You are going to have to make it very clear to her that even though you are a forgiving person, you will not be made a fool out of and you will not longer have ANYTHING to do with her ever again. With friends like her, who needs an enemy. Good Luck.
@ellie333 (21016)
29 Jul 08
Hi Mommy7, Oh she knows all this but at least I have forgiven which allows me to move on eh! Ellie :D
4 people like this
@carolscash (9492)
• United States
28 Jul 08
No, I would not want to have her in my life or that of my children. She did apologize and you did forgive her,but that doesn't mean that you have to like her or have anything to do with her. She should not expect you to be her friend! I feel sorry for your children if they have to deal with her when they visit your ex husband!
5 people like this
@ellie333 (21016)
29 Jul 08
Hi Carolcash, My children won't visit him fullstop if she is there so he makes sure she is not around for most occasions, that is their choice not mine. I don't want anything to do with her either. Ellie :D
4 people like this
• United States
28 Jul 08
There's a difference between forgiving and allowing someone entrance to hurt you again. Plus the fact, you have children to consider. I think that because she is living with the children's father, you need to be civil but being friends with someone who has deliberately broken up your marriage and done so much damage to your family would be unwise.
5 people like this
@ellie333 (21016)
29 Jul 08
Hi Whimsystoryteller, There is no way I am going to be friends with her, I will be civil if I do have to speak but if I need to discuss the children I will phone my ex-husband at his work so she won't be answering the phone there or he will phone me from work, it is his business so he has no boss to upset with personal phonecalls so I don't think I will even have to do that much. I have forgiven so I can move on not to make her feel better. Ellie :D
4 people like this
@snowy22315 (168434)
• United States
28 Jul 08
You can forgive the person. you dont have to be best friends with her. I dont think that you should actually. You could say hello to her in a store but you dont have to have lunnch with her. You dont have to go out to dinner and you dont have to take her calls. I would probably ignore the person if I saw them out actually.
5 people like this
@ellie333 (21016)
29 Jul 08
Hi Snowy, I will probably ignore too, I don't want anything to do with her but I have forgiven no more. Ellie :D
4 people like this
@p1kef1sh (45681)
28 Jul 08
I think that if you can forgive her Ellie that would be a fantastically honourable gesture and one that you and your daughters have not been offered. I think that if she has any sense she'll take that and back away. She has caused too much hurt for a reconciliation now.
5 people like this
@ellie333 (21016)
28 Jul 08
Hi P1kef1sh, Well you know the whole story but it makes me wonder what she wants eh after all this time but she has forgiveness but no way is she getting anything else from me or the girls so severed now completely and by forgiving I have released myself, that the only reason I have. Ellie :D
4 people like this
• United States
28 Jul 08
You can forgive, that allows the hurt and pain not to consume the good in you. But you don't have to be friends, there's no common thread or thought that you could possibly have with her. Its your choice but I wouldn't be friends with someone like that. Are you going to sit around and compare then and now? I don't think so.
5 people like this
@ellie333 (21016)
29 Jul 08
Hi Gitfiddleplayer, I have forgiven but no I don't want her ever in my life again. Ellie :D
4 people like this
@amanda08 (647)
• United States
28 Jul 08
Girl, I do not blame you for not being able to be friends with her again.... you can forgive someone but that does not mean you have to be best friends with that person... you have chose to forgive them for something they have done and after that you should feel free to completely part ways and never have to deal with them again... I am sorry that such a "friend" betrayed you like that, and I hope everything works out fine for you and your daughters... God Bless.
@ellie333 (21016)
29 Jul 08
Hi Amanda, Thank you, these are my thoughts too, I will have no more to do with her now at all. God bless you too. Ellie :D
4 people like this