Im not happy with my husband

Philippines
August 16, 2008 10:58am CST
More than a year ago, i was living a single life, with no obligations other than take care of myself. Work when i wanted to, go to parties and hangout with friends. I met my husband 2 years ago in an event that involves having fun in the outdoors. Like hiking, mountaineering, rapelling, doings aquatics, horsebacking etc. We became instant friends back then because of our common interest. A year went by, i still did what i used to do, he then began to communicate with me, as friends. I would invite him over to my hangouts and have fun...being happy. WE sort of became the best of friends until our feelings developed in to more than friendship. I got pregnant. Next thing i knew i was getting married. Some of my relatives and friends told me that even though i will be having a baby soon, i am not obligated to marry him. But i did. I thought i knew him well since we became friends first. I guess i made a mistake. It's not that he's hurting me physically or anything. It was more of his actions. He does what a husband should do. Take of the necessities we need. But i guess the passion is gone. He does not kiss me anymore. He would just peck me on the cheeks before going to work. Sometimes i would catch him giving a big SIGH! whenever i might be at fault on something. He's a good man. He is good with his friends, relatives and on my side of the family too. But when we are alone with just our baby. We don't talk anymore. Knowing how his day went, what's his feelings. His relatives would sometimes talk to me telling me how lucky i am that he's my husband. I would only smile, yet, i don't feel lucky inside. I'm telling all of you this because i have to let it out somehow. Right now, i'm crying...alone...my baby's asleep...He's not at home yet. If i want to express myself to him, i might burst, and im not that kind of person. I just keep it inside. sigh! This is our 1st year together...he even forgot our anniversary! and i didn't remind him of that. What more in the coming years??? I don't intend to be miserable all my life. Maybe i'm just scared for the future of my baby, that's why im silent. Any views all of you can give? help...:(
6 people like this
26 responses
@lvaldean (1612)
• United States
17 Aug 08
Well lets see, you just had a baby. Lots of responsibility and probably not what either of you were looking for right now in your life, pretty scary stuff. You with hormones flowing all over the place, him with all this added responsibility of a wife and child. Wow lots of stuff for young people to deal with. Then there is just the idea that you have been thrown together in marriage maybe before either of you were prepared for it, more scary stuff. So lets talk about passion, it ebbs and flows. Of the course of any relationship it has its ups and downs. Passion for hobbies, passion for bodies, passion for minds, passion for each other; all ebbs and flows. Hard to find passion sometimes when there is a little one you have to work at it. Hard to be passionate when you are tired and he is tired and both of you are scared, add to that there is a screaming baby. Wow again, got to work through this. Ask yourself what do you want? Right now, what do you want? What do you think he might want? Maybe some of the same things you want, really. A night alone with the beautiful woman he remembers? Could be. Can you find someone to watch the baby for an evening? Can you set aside a night every couple of weeks for just the two of you, put the baby down early dress up and have dinner alone, just the two of you? Have you talked to the doctor to make sure you aren't experiencing post partum depression? Check off the obvious physical stuff first. Then talk to him about what you both need from marriage. Don't wait for him to initiate a kiss, kiss him! Don't wait for him to initiate a hug, hug him! Don't wait for him it be the aggressor in bed, you start it! He might be scared too.
2 people like this
• Philippines
18 Aug 08
yes, i really scared for our future...He got home late last night...I haven't really talk to him yet. Just waiting for the right moment. Thanks for the advice Ivaldean, I will initiate at the right moment too:)
• United States
17 Aug 08
I'm sorry to hear that you're having such trouble. Have you tried talking to him about it? Most men are pretty dense when it comes to women, and he may not even know that you're upset or concerned about your relationship. If he's a good man, I don't think you'd have to worry about the future of your baby. Some people aren't meant to have a longterm relationship; and, if you got thrown into the marriage because of your pregnancy, he may not be 'the one'. Also, you might want to try talking to your OB-GYN next time you see him/her about post-partum depression. I'm not saying that you're depressed or that this is the case, but I had a girlfriend that divorced her husband of two years because she was suffering it, unbeknownst to her or her husband, about six months after the birth of her baby. They reconciled when she started adjusting to the new baby and her hormones settled down, and she'll be watched closely for it after her next baby is born for 18 months. Either way, I hope you're feeling better soon. I don't have any other advice, suggestions, but I just thought you might like some virtual hugs and to know that there are people out there listening and wishing you the best.
• Philippines
17 Aug 08
I think i want that hug...i've forgotton how to be hugged...and how it feels to be secured and comforted...thanks fluffnflowers
1 person likes this
• Philippines
17 Aug 08
how can i know if i'm suffering from post partum depression? I feel fine, just have episode of being sensitive...my baby's 4 months now...do you think i have it?
1 person likes this
• United States
17 Aug 08
Not being a doctor, I couldn't say whether you have it or not, but it might be something to look into. Women are at risk for about 12-16 months after giving birth, so you'd fit into that period. Talk to your doctor, if you think it's a possibility and one that you'd be willing to pursue. Hope you're feeling better!
• United States
16 Aug 08
I used to be like you and keep quiet. I will eat you up honey. You need to sit him down and have a long serious converstion with him. Yell,scream and cry if you have to.You need to tell him how you feel and what you need or he will never know. Tell him all the little things and the big things that bother you.If I had never had the conversation with my husband we would not be together today.If he loves you he will work with you on fixing some of your issues.I am sure he,like you,is just starting to get used to the idea of actually being married. Maybe what the 2 of you need is a date.No baby,no friends,just the 2 of you. Try it. It can be rewarding and lots of fun too.Good luck and God bless.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
17 Aug 08
How did you initiate that long conversation with your husband? Sometimes, when i wanted to talk about some of our situations, not just ours, he just avoids it. It was better conversing on the phone with him rather in person. At least i know he's focused. Screaming? when i scream, i cry, oh my! i'm just too sensitive...any tips?
1 person likes this
• United States
18 Aug 08
Cry then.How did I do it?I told him we had to talk now or one of us was gonna have to go.I was scared he would say ok and leave but he didn't.I was afraid to tell him everything that upset me but aside from the occasional interuption by him it went relatively well. I cried I screamed and in the end he held me and told me that he was sorry and hadn't realised I was so unhappy. We are doing well now.Just try and talk to him. What ever happens is meant to be.Don't be miserable and hold it in.That will cause more problems in the end.Best of luck to you.
31 Aug 08
If he used to listen to you on the phone go out when he is at home and ring him. Maybe a good friend will let you borrow their phone. If that does not work go home again and tackle him. If he will not talk to you tell him that if he will not sit down and talk things through you will have to leave. He maybe feeling the same as you. He may be afraid of the commitment he has made and once he hears that you have the same problems he ma be really relieved to sit down and discuss them. You really have to work hard with a marriage. I have been married for 39years and there have been quite a few times when we could have given up on our marriage but we managed to work it out. Good luck.
@misty99 (736)
18 Aug 08
Use to have that same problem freshsoda.What i did was do the usual thing except that i try not to be in contact with him too much.If he's in the living room me and my kids were in the bedroom joking,laughing,playing with the youngest. After a while he'll come in and join us.I use to iron the clothes in the living room while he's watching or doing something in the computer-now i do it inside the bedroom...he'll come and ask me to continue ironing outside.There was a time when he asked me--where is my wife?what did you do to her?bring her back to me?I don't think that is harsh.
1 person likes this
• Pakistan
18 Aug 08
hahaha..lolzzz...thats what m telling u...men is one creature that is attracted if u act the opposite... you jus try it gal...
• Philippines
18 Aug 08
hmm...nice, subtle...a subtle reverse:) okay! thanks misty99!
@ravinskye (8242)
• United States
16 Aug 08
Here is my advice after 7 years of putting up with the same stuff. Talk to him about it, tell him what you want. If he can't adjust then get out. Now I'm 3 kids into a marriage and the stuff that I had trouble with when we were dating still hasn't gotten better and I'm unhappy. But it's not as easy to get out when I'm this far in. Try counselling so you feel you've tried your best, but if it does't get better then get out. You deserve to be happy too.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
16 Aug 08
Good morning in my side of the world... I just woke up with a puffy eye. He took off around 4 am, an errand for his uncle. He knows I'm upset. Maybe after letting some steam off my mind, I'll talk to him. Thanks ravinskye, i thought i'm all alone.
1 person likes this
• United States
17 Aug 08
i just wanted to know what kind of errand does someone have a 4am?
@jolope (988)
• Philippines
16 Aug 08
its not always sunshine when you get in these kind of things.. i mean, im still single but i think that your husband loves you..he's just preoccupied with other things at hand.. you know its not just a one way street.. you should try to initiate to..be sweeter..be more than what he thought you could be.. i read your post and i do feel for you.. i guess you just have to be more optimistic about this.. love your baby..take care of your husband too..make him feel that you love him like you do when you first did..^_^ best of luck..^_^
1 person likes this
• Philippines
16 Aug 08
thanks! I've been in the dark for sooo long...I only get to see him smile and laugh with other people around, but not around me anymore. I love him, i've shown it to him, i get mixed signals though. He does not reciprocate. If he does, he just want to go in bed with me.do you know what i'm saying? I make him breakfast, cook dinner fo rhim, launder his clothes. Everything what a wife does to a husband...sigh! i'm just too emotional right now.
1 person likes this
• United States
16 Aug 08
honey, All except the going to bed part, you are doing everything a mom does. How about making him part of the daily life. The two of you cook together the two of you do laundry together. Do not change as a person but just change the way you do things. Reverse psychology works wonderful with men they like to know that you "need" them they need to feel important. Just be careful and pick and choose what you want him involved with.
1 person likes this
17 Aug 08
Hello, I am really sorry to hear of your situation and, that of your baby and the father of your child. That first date often gets to us because everything is so new, fun, adventure, and only your love is a true love. What happens to others won't happen to you, but, unfortunately you are human as is he and your baby. You are both living a life of hell right now, have you considered splitting up getting counselling and deciding what you would like to be in life? Staying together will only breed pain for yourself, your child and the dad as well. So you made a mistake, that can be fixed if you love your child you will always be there for him or her, as for the dad, you and him may not work out, but hopefully he will take ownership and responsibillity for his child and help you financially and emotionally by spending time with the child. There is a great deal of support out there for the three of you and I would offer that seeking that support is a strength not a weakness. You know you have a problem now, then now is the time to do something about it. Also, let it be your decision and not one force on you like getting married. Take care and good luck to you and your family.
• Philippines
17 Aug 08
Noo, we havent done that yet, because we haven't really acknowledge our problem. This is the first time i came out of my silence. To my MyLot community. I had my dreams before, took the first step on getting a Pharmacy equivalency exam in the exam. I passed it with flying colors. I can get job as an intern, and become a full pledge Pharmacist in california. But all of those are put into a halt because of my family. I can go there anytime i want. But i want our family to be there as well. My husband is the head of the family here. If we move...It will be another story. He might feel some insecurities. If we keep on living like this, i would really freak out. I hope i can get to talk to him one of these days...He's not yet at home. Thanks gwfraser.
@bmorehouse1 (1028)
• United States
17 Aug 08
COMMUNICATION!!! That is the key to any good relationship. You need to tell him how you feel. Maybe he is feeling bad also and is afraid to talk to you about it. If you don't get this worked out it will not get any better. Try to initiate a simple conversation with him. Ask him about his day. Tell him about your day. Ask if he would like to take a walk or go to a movie. Set up a date night for just the two of you. SMILE! If you look like you are down and out, then that is not giving him a very pleasant impression. He might be feeling like he was forced into this marriage because of the baby, and maybe deep down you are feeling that too. Have a conversation about that. Get it out in the open. If you really love him, then tell him so! Don't sit and mope about this. It will not go away on its own. Marriage takes work from both partners. If you want it to work, then take some action girl! If the two of you can't do it on your own, then see a counselor. There is nothing wrong with that and it shows that you are really trying to make it better! Good luck and keep us posted!
1 person likes this
• Philippines
17 Aug 08
I was hoping for a great communication before, because we started out as friends, but it never did. Maybe you're right, he might be also afraid to talk to me about it. oh i don't know, i'm waiting for him to come home today. I don't know how to approah him yet and probably he is too. He knows i'm upset with something. I guess my glass overflowed. thanks bmorehouse1
1 person likes this
@Amberina (1541)
• United States
16 Aug 08
It sounds like you two need some marital counseling, or just sit him down and tell him what your feeling. We can't read each others minds we have to say what we feel otherwise the other person just goes on with his or her day like always, unless you tell him how your feeling your going to keep getting the same out of him.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
17 Aug 08
thanks amberina, sometimes when i start conversations with him after dinner, he just looks at the basketball game on tv, I'm going crazy with that sport! it was ok first, i know he loves the game and plays it very well, Im a sports player too, but everyday?!?! Sorry, had to let it out, i know its not in the concept of what you just responded. I'll keep that in mind too. Everyday is a cycling for me.
1 person likes this
@grammasnook (1877)
• United States
16 Aug 08
First of all take a deep breath! Just like you being thrown into a different relationship so has he. I am sure between the pregnancy and the birth of your child both of you have been pulled in 20 different directions. It is time for you to pull your relationship with him back in order. I sense there is a little post partum blues sitting here feeling "stuck" but I sense it as a family. I have been married for 20 years and yes at times things are challenging, but you can deal with the challenge without going crazy or getting into arguments. He is thinking as a father not as your lover and companion. " totally normal" If you do not communicate what you need as his wife! I will make a bet that you now walk around all comfortable, jeans and a t-shirt or sweats and a t-shirt, no makeup no nothing to make yourself feel good about you. As a young couple it is important for you to make time for just the two of you. Maybe going to the movies or out to dinner. This is vital to keep a relationship going. Why does he have to be the aggressive one?? When he is leaving and goes to give you a peck on the cheek maybe you should just give him that sensious kiss. For relationship to stay balanced and exciting for the couple whether they have children or not it takes communication and lots and lots of work. I wish you the best of luck and lots of planning
1 person likes this
• Philippines
17 Aug 08
You made me cry again! ugh! these tears keep flowing! You've been right with your hunches, yes i do wear comfortable clothes now...Thanks grammasnook...I'll keep that in mind..
1 person likes this
• Pakistan
17 Aug 08
first of all let me tell you the psycology of men... they are totaly different before marraige... they do not show you their true colors before it... men think " women are like cats, if you follow them you will never catch them, and if you ignore them, they will come into your lap themselves" so here is a plan for you...back fire... ignore him... make new freinds... dnt get physical with him... give room...keep distance... act the opposite.... find activities...involove your self in those activities... ignore, ignore, ignore..... just dn't lose control.... just try it gal...good luck to you
• Philippines
18 Aug 08
whoa! that's harsh, probably that will be my last resort if everything else fails. Reverse Psychology. thanks!
@misty99 (736)
18 Aug 08
Second the motion saroodebolan!!!
@allurejan (197)
• United States
17 Aug 08
It is kind of really a problem but it can be resolve when the two of you will take time to talk. For me, it is the communication makes the relationship fresh also. May you can be very sweet to him like you did before. In this way, he will feel your warmth and sweetness then he will respond to it.
• Philippines
18 Aug 08
I know i'm sweet, but when it comes to him, i'm scared of showing my feelings again. I might get a negative reaction. But who knows! I'll try it.
• United States
18 Aug 08
Yes, there's no harm in trying. I believe wives are naturally sweet to their husbands :). You can do it. Don't be scared. Your goal is to keep the relationship harmonious and that's what really matters, right?
@rsa101 (21120)
• Philippines
17 Aug 08
What will make you happy then, your husband is just being a responsible husband by doing whatever he can as a family man. He may not be as sweet as before but I think you should expect that in every relationship things will change and would not remain as before. What is important is you adjust to it and just support him as much as you can. Your relatives are saying the truth for a married couple the problem that you're in compared to those abusive husbands. You have a husband who may also be adjusting to the new lifestyle you've jump into so you should understand that. Married life is not a bed of roses most of it may have more thorns and less of the roses. Go back and try to look at your husband in a more and deeper sense. It may be just that you're looking not deep enough why your relationship is like that. Communications is also an important tool in your relationship, if that is what is lacking then it's about time that you remind him of that. Fight for the decision you've made and let him realized that. One year is not enough for you to give that up. Try to make it last and finally say "I quit".
• Philippines
17 Aug 08
thanks rsa101, I want our marriage to work. Ot os too early to tell if everything is hopeless for the two of us. I belive we can work this out. I just have to take the courage to talk to him, i hope he does listen to me and vice versa. Keeping my fingers cross. We really lack communication ever since our ordeal.
1 person likes this
@rsa101 (21120)
• Philippines
17 Aug 08
Yes i think that is what is lacking in your relationship. Talk and be as calm as you can be crying will just distort any thought that you have. Be strong and hoping that you will have a compromise between your issues.
• Netherlands
17 Aug 08
I went through this and just left the situation. I was with a man for 3 years and after the second year he became like this. When I finally got him to speak about it he told me he had doubts that we wanted the same thing. He felt like maybe it was a mistake and wouldn't work in the future. Instead of just telling me this he put me through a year of unhappiness. I left because I wasn't going to live this way. I hope for you that it is a different reason of course, but you have to talk to him about this. If you don't you may never know. You should not put yourself through this unhappiness. I wish you the best of luck.
• New Zealand
17 Aug 08
Attagirl - this was a while in coming. I have been away from mylot for a while; and it looks like things have changed for you. Good on you!
• Philippines
17 Aug 08
if i may ask sirensanssmile, how did you initiate 'the talk'?
• Philippines
17 Aug 08
sometimes its hard to pretend that your ok or good but we need to do this coz of our child, maybe that is the role of s woman in our society but that was before now was different we need to say what we think and feel if you think that your not happy say it, if you think you have a problem talk to him. i think that is the best way to do to improve your relationship.
• Philippines
18 Aug 08
I will...thanks!
@jewilim (495)
• Philippines
17 Aug 08
Awww. :( I think you two really lack communication. Its really important for couples to communicate and share what they feel to each other. I really hope that you could work that out, i know it is really very heavy to your feelings being with someone everyday and not knowing what he feels and just gives you a silent treatment. Would it be ok for you if you would be the one to initiate the communication? At least you tried and i think i would really be nice if it would work out for the both of you. I hope you would try to be open with each other about anything, since i assume you would already be partners for life. :) Good luck and don't forget to always pray. :)
• Philippines
18 Aug 08
I will, thanks jewilim. Just waiting for the right time to do it. I don't know when will that be, i hope soon.:)
@Arien63 (41)
• Australia
17 Aug 08
Sounds like you need to have a hot steamy affair with another man (or woman).That way you would be happy (sexually, romantically and all the excitement and newness that comes with it). You would still have your beautiful baby and also a man taking care of the necessities you and your baby require. A win / win situation for all as long as you don't tell him.
• Philippines
18 Aug 08
haha! you made me laugh, is that a joke? I can't seem to do that...yet. As far as i know, I'm loyal to him, and I hope he is to me.
@michfroi (413)
• Philippines
17 Aug 08
you should talk to him girl before its too late... i have experienced same thing, i always cry alone, i dont feel telling him that im not happy anymore because of the things happenings to us and it is a big mistake i guess because it has been getting worst and we decided to part ways because we dont understand each other anymore, we are both quiet, we dont talk what we like or dislike.. based on my experiences, communication is important, tell him the things you like and ask him his likes and dislikes.. im telling you, move now...
• Philippines
18 Aug 08
thanks michfroi, i'll do it as soon as i see a good opportunity to do so. Add me as you friend. Im just nearby you place.
@gladeez (63)
• Philippines
17 Aug 08
i am so sad that you are feeling that way about your relationship with your husband. I met my wonderful hubby the way you did yours. We both love the outdoors and became a hit as friends once we realized that we have so much things in common... After several years of seeing each other on events that we both enjoy attending to or trips that both our organizations organized, we became lovers and eventually got married... When it was just the two of us, life is much easier but when we had a baby we both know that things will be different cause of the new responsibility. We don't get to go to parties anymore, we don't go out often but we always make it a point to open our lines of communication. You have to understand somehow that men don't normally talk of how they feel, you have to encourage them to open up, you have to show them that you are there beside them to support them in every step of the way... You should be treating life more lightly than how you see it... Be more appreciative with what you have and make an effort to reach out to your partner... Only you and your partner can make your family life works and not the other the people around you... Have faith in what you started and try to get a new hobby for yourself to ease your mind... I hope everything will work out fine in your married life... Life is not always a breeze, though, but you can make it worth living if you make an effort.
• Philippines
18 Aug 08
Thanks gladeez, i appreciate your response. It made me reflect more. I might have been too sensitive. Everything that i used to do when i was single is gone. It is really the Next Chapter in my Life that i have to get used to.
@Kemboi (341)
• Eldoret, Kenya
17 Aug 08
Men are created to be silence, I being included, Iam a person who is silent and my wife talks alot. And she has learned to adjust to my attitude and behaviour. So relationship and marriage needs to be developed you agree to disagree in some areas. Look for ways your husband likes most and work on them wholeheartedly. Provide a loving atmosphere. When he is resting get close to him and give him a smile and even a kiss. confirm with him how was his day and yours too. You need to be there for him fully led him feel you and become a reall submissive for him.
• Philippines
17 Aug 08
Kemboi, i do those things you mentioned, he does not reciprocate. Isn't it equal to say that he also has to adjust to me...it takes two to tango...meet half way. I can't go all the way just to please him. Especially if i don't get any response out of him. Thanks for the advice though