I need help, opinions, advice! - I can't be a brides maid!
By sameroad
@sameroad (3179)
United States
August 16, 2008 9:20pm CST
Is it wrong that i feel this way? Am I being selfish?
what can i do?
My cousin is getting married in September of next year and
The other night i was talking to her and her brother and we were talking on the phone and they were saying that i am gonna be one of the "brides maid" and that means that i have to wear a MAKE-UP and a DRESS! and they were going and on and on about how i have to wear a dress and put make up on and crap.
I have not worn a dress since i was a little kid and my parents dressed me.
and I have never in my life worn make-up.
I can't wear a dress and i can't wear make up. (and i really can't wear make up because of my skin, not that i would anyway :P but still...)
I am not sure what to do.
I feel like CRAP because i am refusing to wear a dress and i feel like i am being "selfish" BUT i can't help how i feel! and i also feel like crap because I would LOVE to be a brides maid for my cousin but I can't do the "girly" stuff.
no one knows how i feel about this and i don't know how to tell them or if i even can!
sticking me in a dress...seriously would be like telling a STRAIGHT MAN he would have to wear a dress.
That is how i feel. That is how out of place and uncomfortable i would be..
i remember the last time i had to wear a dress(and i only did wear it because i was 6 years old and forced) but I remember standing in front of the mirror and looking at myself and thinking "ewwwwwww" and i felt like something in me was wrong and out of place.. like, I wasn't looking at myself, I was looking at someone else and i had an awful feeling in me and this was back when i was a CHILD.
I think about that and think there must be something wrong with me to have felt that way even as a child, right?
This is a year away but i am already stressed out from it!
2 people like this
17 responses
@SomeCowgirl (32191)
• United States
17 Aug 08
You need to tell them soon, because it appears you already "semi" agreed. A wedding is a lot to plan, and they'll need a year to figure out everything so telling them now will be a relief. Just tell them you don't feel comfortable with a dress and that because of your (fill in blank) skin you can't wear makeup. I'm sure if you tell them up front, even if they don't understand, they'll appreciate you telling them now. Don't let them try to guilt you though, or try to tell you to "think" about it. Tell them you have, and that you wanted to tell them early so that they can plan. letting you "think" about it will only be a loss of planning time, and would make you look bad as they would think you're "seriously" thinking it over.
Also, suggest maybe doing something else in their wedding if you can. I hope that this helps! I am getting married myself, and one of my friends is, I know i'll be wearing a bridesmaids dress in their wedding...
I hope that you have a wonderful an dlovely day! Good luck to you in this situation!
@sanzi1201 (644)
• China
18 Aug 08
Yes,I aggree with what you said.Tell the truth and they will understand you ,I believe.There's no trouble.
@dragon54u (31636)
• United States
17 Aug 08
I would explain this to your cousin. She wouldn't make her brother wear a dress, would she? If you put it that way, she may understand. If you simply feel you can't get out of it (although I think she'll understand), pretend it's a masquerade party or Halloween.
I may have missed something, are you transgender? Always be true to yourself.
@dragon54u (31636)
• United States
18 Aug 08
I've never really liked dresses, either, but only because I don't look good in them.
You just tell her how you feel and if she doesn't understand, don't do it. I hope it works out and no feelings are hurt!
@sedel1027 (17846)
• Cupertino, California
17 Aug 08
I understand your aversion to dresses, I feel your pain. I hate dresses, but decided to wear one for my wedding. First off, if you aren't comfortable you shouldn't do it. However, maybe you can compromise on the dress? A nice pants suit or even a dress that covers you a bit more but fits in with the wedding party. Secondly, they can not force you to wear make up (I didn't wear any when I was married; I really think most people do not need make up at all and ruin their skin by wearing that junk!). They can not expect you to be someone other than who you are! 
@lilaclady (28207)
• Australia
17 Aug 08
I think you just have to sit your cousin down and tell her how you feel, if she knows you and loves you she will understand, I remember years ago a friend of mine asked me to be her bridesmaid but she said i would have to wear a green dress as it was her favourite colour but i detest anything green except in nature, i said no for months i said no but then gave in and i must admit i had the best time...but I know your situation is different...just talk to her and tell her you are getting upset about it all...maybe she could have a different type of wedding, maybe you could have a nice pant suite made in the same colour and material as she wants and the make up part well that can be done very suttle if not completely natural...if she loves you she will try to work your way...good luck my friend....
@sameroad (3179)
• United States
18 Aug 08
I didn't even think about that.. getting a pants suite but i am not sure if anyone will go for that... i will bring it up though and try and explain to her my feelings.
I do want to be there for her...but without having to be made into something i'm not.
thanks for your response!
@foxyfire33 (10005)
• United States
17 Aug 08
I think you should have a nice long talk with your cousin. Tell her that you love her very much and want her day to be completely perfect because that's whjat she deserves. And then explain that you feel you would be a less than ideal bridesmaid because you will not wear a dress and you can not wear make up. Tell her that you are very flattered by her request but you would not feel comfortable serving in that capacity. Perhaps you can suggest another wedding role such as greeter or usher and let her know that you will gladly help find attire more suitable for you.
You are not being selfish at all! You are being honest and true to yourself. The only selfish thing about this is that obviously you must be close to your cousin if she wants you in her wedding so she should know how you feel but is apparently putting your feelings aside for the sake of tradition. The world is changing and dresses on bridesmaids do not need to be the normal attire. Pant suits are completely acceptable and even tuxedo's as more and more men are even serving in the place of the female bridesmaids....I do not have female friends so if I were to get married again there would be a lot of pants standing at the alter!
@sameroad (3179)
• United States
18 Aug 08
thank you. I will talk to her about a pants suite. I didn't even think about that before hand.
but i am not sure if she will go for that or not... but i will try!
and i hope i can explain to her my feelings. i do want to be in her wedding, i just don't wanna be made into something i'm not..
@APE131313 (11)
• United States
18 Aug 08
That brings back a memory for me. My best friend insisted that I stand up with her for her wedding. I detested her boyfriend so much for the way he already treated her and for his obnoxious personality that I felt it would not be right for me to do so. She was insistent tho and said it is something I had to do for HER and not him so I couldn't refuse. I was miserable but got thru it somehow.
I was proved right tho as he quit his job after they were married and made her life a living Hell with beatings and financial ruin. She stuck it out for 5 years and had 2 sons which she has raised alone since the divorce. She has NEVER re-married and never WILL.
Sounds like YOUR cousin doesn't KNOW you very well or is being led by other family members to try to test you.
Do you know who Rachel Maddow from Air America is? She was forced to undergo the feminization treatment to make the jump from radio to TV.....sometimes ya do what ya HAVE to do for your career but your situation doesn't rise to THAT extreme.
To thine own self be true.
Good luck!
@checapricorn (16061)
• United States
17 Aug 08
Hi sameroad,
I undersdtand your feeling..I was not also used to wear dress but just try it..Get a nice and comfortable dress and wear it, try to wear once in awhile and for all you know, you will like and love it..That is what I am doing now..
I know you will do good...just give a try!
@di1159 (1580)
• United States
17 Aug 08
I suppose you should speak with your cousin and tell her how uncomfortable you feel. She will either beg you to change your mind, or she will ask someone else to be the bridsemaid. It is her day and her wedding and it should be perfect for her. If you feel you cannot cooperate with her wishes, I guess you shouldn't, but then again it is family and sometimes we need to make sacrifices for them. Maybe you can wear the dress for the ceremony and then change into comfortable clothes. Whatever you two decide,will be best for both of you. It's not something that should cause you that much stress. Hope you feel better.
@bunnybon7 (50973)
• Holiday, Florida
17 Aug 08
you have a right to tell her NO! a big no. either you will not be a brides maid and wear a dress or not even go. they need to decide if its that important to them how to hanle it. just dont let family tell you your own mind or you'll be like me. regretting every thing you do.
@tamarafireheart (15384)
•
17 Aug 08
Hello sameroad,
I feel really sorry for you, you shouldn't be forced to something that you don't want. Why don't you write or e-mail her explaining how you feel and maybe the bridemaids can all wear matching trouser or someting you know compremise and see what she says, and if she refuse you may just have leave the bride's to someone else.
Tamara
@tigger44 (144)
• United States
17 Aug 08
Well think of it this way it is only going to be one day and one day only. Most of the time after the ceremony you can change out of the dress into something that is more comforable for you for the rest of the day. Plus it is your cousin and it seems like she really want you to be part of the wedding. If I were you think about what I just said. Or you can sit down with her and let her down easly and tell her that you dont want to be in the wedding because you dont want to wear a dress.
@jazzjafunk (28)
• Indonesia
17 Aug 08
calm down and think possitive...
you gotta help your family..
when you are success beat your feeling, you are a good person.. and you will be better..
The real enemy is our feeling..
just beat it( michael jackson's song )
@allurejan (197)
• United States
17 Aug 08
You know what, they want you to their brides maid because you are a very important person to them. So why refuse? If you don't like to wear make-up, so don't put make up on. You can tell them to make a slacks for you if you don't want to wear a dress.
@lira23 (208)
• United States
17 Aug 08
Like some of the others here suggested. Tell your cousin you don't feel comfortable, or maybe if you try on a dress before hand to see what it looks like,still not comfortable tell her no.Surely she would understand, and sometimes it's hard to tell others about our feelings, just do your best, and as for make up, you wouldn't catch me wearing that nasty stuff.Don't cave in if she begs and pleads with you, that only makes you feel more guilty, but surely she would listen to your thoughts and feelings. Good luck with this.
@mhayfie (241)
• Philippines
17 Aug 08
its a good feeling for you. Its not an advice to be followed... Maybe you just pressume that it doesn't feel good if you wear that such kind but its a twist of life...Common be adventurous, it may counts on ur life or it may degare (i hope its not)..but face it...once in a while learn things didn't evr do...
and i know your couz will be happy to see you as her brides maid...
focus your mind that your going to do that as the greatest gift your couz will be receiving from you...take it fren!!!!
@lyzabelle (1668)
• Philippines
17 Aug 08
You have no choice but to tell them about your problem.
No one can force you to wear something you are not comportable
wearing. Maybe you could convince yourself to wear dress just
for their special day. That means so much to them.
@949011 (99)
• Singapore
17 Aug 08
I think you should give it a try. Its time for you to experience something different and new, should try to experience something different and new everyday just like a newborn to get your life exciting.
When is the last time you did something for the first time?
