is it all just me?
@kissmyamstaff (41)
Australia
August 22, 2008 6:07pm CST
dear my lotters. i need your advice. ive been with my partner for nearly five years. its been a rocky relationship (blissful when its good, hell when its not) i have two children from a previous relationship (five and a half and seven) and and my kids call him dad by choice.
i don't know how to explain what been happening... so bare with me please. i dont know what to do any more. hes always been a bit judgmental, quick to make his mind up and acts a lot out of anger/frustration. But over the last few months it has become unbearable. i cant do ANYTHING right. the way i cook, the house is never clean enough, i don't word things right or i use words that he wouldn't and he gets cross with me and i don't understand why. he refuses to explain to me why he is like this other then to simply blame me - its my fault because of the way oi speak to him, its my fault because the house isnt clean. its my fault because i was out delivering a litter of puppies and when i got home my kids were late for school (so his new rant is that i put my dogs in front of my family)
hes started calling me a bad mum in front of the children and saying that i never do anything right so he doesn't know why he bothers.
apart from work he doesn't do a lot hes an IT person and works on computers. i understand that im the at home one and im more then happy to be mum and home maker but he doent even take his plate out any more and tells me i should stay home all the time so i can clean.
he wont let me use the heater when he is not home (for me or the kids) as he gets nothing from it and has to pay the bills. He has never done this before. i keep wondering if it is me and i am doing something wrong for him to be like this but i have done everything thing he has asked of me and its gotten if anything worse.
my children s biological father was physically violent, my other half knew him quite well and knows all the history and last night i am shocked to say he said that he understands why he hit me. now i am frightened and feel like i have no more choices but to leave. after his recent behavior around the kids i was planning for it any way if he didnt stop but i now feel it has reached a point where i will just have to go - i wont let how i feel about some one affect my children s home life like that - home should be a safe place, not a war zone.
sorry i have rambled, and i know that this probably dosent make a lot of scene. but i ask you this - is it all me? can one person be blamed for the relationship falling apart? what should i do?
thank you for taking the time to read this,
kym x
5 people like this
13 responses
@lilaclady (28207)
• Australia
22 Aug 08
well to me I think it is just one of the changes people can go through in life, this is where i think marriage is a risk we all do change, now i am not sayin his has lost love for you but i think his love has changed, people in love do not act like this, I personally think maybe he wants out, maybe not but it sounds like frustration acting up...you should be happy with this wonderful life you have, it is a once off as we know it, maybe if you pick the right time and sit him down and put all the cards on the table and see what you come up with...we is obviously not happy and he is making you unhappy and the kids can't be happy seeing it... I hopt you can work something out my friend, life is way too short...
@lucky_witch (2707)
• Philippines
24 Aug 08
Oh my dear...
Why did you have the idea that you are the one to be blame by his misbehavior? We all have our mistakes and faults... and he should have known that he cannot expect you to be perfect. He see all your faults, but cannot see his own behavior. A good wife deserves a good husband.
I am sorry to say this, but I think he just want his way out. I think he just don't love you as much as he loves you before? Why? because if he does, then he should not be treating you that way.
Once and for all... talk to him. try to figure out whats going wrong. If things won't change between you... then it would be better if you would go with your kids. Do you want your kids to grow up thinking that family should be like that? a home is where they should feel loved and safe.
@n30wing (4767)
• Philippines
23 Aug 08
I know how you feel and do understand you.I know how hard to be blame always, but your not perfect,your just human and you make mistakes,and your not perfect same with him. Men have a lot of excuses,just to make you feel not love sometimes and that is a big question why? I find it very shallow!Their is a reason why his like this? Don't you ever talk to each and discussed and seat down.Problems are temporary but their is a solution to this. Can you not open up? Now if he can't understand your point of views and your mistakes and it's already affecting your children leave the house and let him have his own space and let him think. You only know him more when you live in the same roof. How old is your children? Try to talk to them also. Tell them your reasons why leaving him if their close to him. So they will understand you more. I think it's your children that is not important now you tried everything I guess to work it out,but not all relationships better it works out. You let your children also talk. When their is no respect anymore and treat you abusive even it's emotionally get out of it before it's too late. Have a nice day! God will always make a way!
@sweethomecatring (1563)
• India
23 Aug 08
I think there is some behavioral change in you as well as in your husband. Your husband is irritated with your actions and your performance at home. I do not blame you for all that. I can not think, if woman like you can put question to the mylot community in such a descriptive manner, why you can not mend your habits. Dog and puppies would not go with you and with your life. It may be your partner who accepted you and your previous children knowing that you have left your earlier partner due to the reasons you mentioned.Your partner is not illustrate person He is an IT professional and u can think that what made him to behave like this.Try to sort out the difference otherwise your kids life will be hell. I would request you to mend your habits also.
@agnes4mail (131)
• Indonesia
23 Aug 08
You just should go with your kids, that man doesnt worth enough the three of you. The truth is I dont know whats wrong, as I could only read your side of the story and not others. But however in this matter of the water heater and etc, he didnt treat you right as a man, nor as a human being that been living with his couple for years. You'll find someone much better than him, I'm sure... so I guess you should stop blaming your self and just go...
@alpram96 (95)
• United States
23 Aug 08
The part that frightens me is that he said he understands why your ex hit you. Has he gotten physically aggressive withyou in any way? Is he verbally abusive? If you feel like you can and want to salvage this relationship you can try couple's therapy. But some of the things he is doing (like not letting you use the heater) is definetly not typical behavior. Something is going on with him andit could be anything from stress at work to a mental health issue. Be alert for any more behavioral changes and I wish you the best.
@Ithink (9980)
• United States
23 Aug 08
NOONE deserves to be treated like this, It blew me away when I was reading this. The point that sticks out the most is your not allowed to use the heater! That is neglect and abuse. If he is acting this way and in front of the children that isnt healthy let alone for them but for you too! I have to say I dont know why he changed but he obviously has and I would say it is time to get out. It is unhealthy and unsafe for you and the kids.
Be careful and take care.
@palonghorn (5479)
• United States
22 Aug 08
No it is not all you, and mostly it's seems to be him. I stayed in a 16 year marriage where the last 6 years go to be like that, no matter how much I did, or what I did it was never good enough, the house wasn't clean enough, the laundry wasn't put up 'right'. And if he is making statements like he did about your ex, it's time to pack up you and the kids and get out. Seems to me that if he is saying he understands why the other guy hit you he's thinking about doing it.
@dawnald (85135)
• Shingle Springs, California
22 Aug 08
Of course it is not all your fault. It sounds like he is a very controlling person. First thing you can do is recognize that you can't change another person. He will only change if he recognizes the need for change and if he wants to change. And it doesn't sound like he is even open to the suggestion or to discussion. I think you need to really sit down and think whether you are better off with or without this person. Even if you are not perfect, not the best housekeeper, not the best cook, etc., you don't deserve to be treated like this. Counseling may be an option but it really sounds like a relationship that can't work unless your partner is willing to make some drastic changes.
@relundad (2310)
• United States
23 Aug 08
Kym, I would suggest you read your above post, in 3rd position. What would your response be? Sometimes it can be hard to see yourself outside of the situation but usually whatever advice you would give to the next person would probally be applicable in your situation.
You probally have developed some sense of co-dependency on him since you are a stay at home and your kids look at him as dad. Neither of these would be a good reason to be treated the way that he is treating you. Obviously you know that until this is worked out you can't progress to the next level. It's crazy for your kids to witness this type of chaous and arguing.
Seems to me that you might be prolonging an inevitable break up.
@tamarafireheart (15384)
•
23 Aug 08
Hello kissmyamstaff,
I am so sorry you are going through this awful time, my advice is get the hell out of there as fast as you can, no it sis not your fault he is blaming you for everything because he is gulity of something and that something I think he maybe having an affair, but if I'm wrong he may have been seeing your ex and geting tip of him, I'm sorry but for whatever the reason is its not your fault so get out for your sake and for the childre. Good Luck.
Tamara
@sanjana_aslam (4187)
• Malaysia
23 Aug 08
hi kiss,
my sincere advice would be for you to find a place for your chilren..maybe your parents or close friends .. place them there immediatly ..
..since he does not want to waste any money on them.. he sould not miss them from house..
..your house is not clean because you have active chilren in the house..it will be easier to maintain the cleanliness of the housewithout the children ..
..find yourself a job..if you scared to go out i guess there are many things you can do from home..during his time out..
..find a place to stay .. if you can go to your families house then go .. make sure you find a job to support the family ..
During the progressing of the above arrangements .. pleas avoid talking with him, just pretend to be normal , dont fight or argue
what i have said above is .. don waste any time .. just get out of this "relationship" as there is none.
@firebirdlizant (514)
• United States
23 Aug 08
im sorry to say but this could mean a few things if he just started acting this way there could be another women and he could just be acting out to make you look like the bad one when he is really doing something bad. 2. it could be that this relationship is just not working for him and with all the high prices and all its making everyone nuts but its strange that he is sounding controlling a bit. has he been like this before? 3. he just looking for a way out without telling you in a nice way. 4. hes just evil and mean and you need to get out of that relationship.
or 5. something else is going on maybe stress at work and he is just taking it out on you and your kids. sounds like you have some investigating to do.
i dont really know what else to tell you. but if he is being mean (verbally) in front of your kids thats not a healthy relationship. even if he is not hitting you. being verbal/mental to you is not good either. and it may rub off on your kids. please think of your kids as well as your safety. do you have family u can move in with and just maybe start fresh with out guys for a little while. i really dont think you and your kids need the mental abuse. it doesnt sound like a happy place to be when he gets home. no offense. it could get worse.
