She's Dying And I Am Not Sure I Care

United States
August 26, 2008 12:43am CST
Over the past month, my father's mother has been diagnosed with lung cancer and brain tumors. She is slowly declining toward the end. In a matter of days, maybe even hours, she will be gone. The worst part is, I am not sure I even care. The fondest memories I have of my grandmother are her cooking. We would wake up to the smell of a grand breakfast. By the time we got showered and dressed after breakfast, she would be starting lunch. By the time we returned from our tours of downtown New York, she had dinner ready and waitng. She made some of the best food I have ever tasted even to this day. As far as my relationship with her, there wasn't one. The woman would bold face lie about me to my father. She would tell him that I was cussing at her when in fact, I had just beem sitting there not even looking her way. My dad would confront me about it and I denied it. However, he would call me a liar and tell me not to disrespect her. Finally, I just start admitting to things that I didn't do or even understand. It seemed the best way to avoid it all. Finally, as I got older, I refused to visit with her. I didn't feel like be blamed for things that never happened. My mom was the one who informed me of her condition. I just got off the phone with her, rolled over, and went back to sleep. My husband overheard the conversation and wondered if I was ok. I said yes and to leave me alone. By the way she treated me, I feel happy that she is getting what she deserves. Part of me feels bad for rmy father, even thought our relationship has been rocky. Part of me feels ashamed that I hated her. Am I a monster for being glad she is dying? Am I even glad she is dying? Why can't I cry about this? Have I really allowed myself to become so callus about death?I could really use some advice here. Liv
2 people like this
4 responses
@rsa101 (24934)
• Philippines
26 Aug 08
Well I think your experience of her was not enough for you to be much of a concern about her. Well maybe out of respect for her why not visit her instead and take the time to give your last respect for her while she is still living. Let go of all those angers that was embedded with you all those years. I guess its time for you to forgive.
• United States
26 Aug 08
I forgave her long ago. I wish I could go see her but I can't. She lives in New York and I am in Texas. I just don't have the finances right now. Thought I have forgiven, I have not forgotten...not yet. But, I think you are right. I need to let go. Thanks Liv
1 person likes this
@19891115 (66)
• China
26 Aug 08
I think most people have the same experience,so do I.You are ashamed of your behavior now.It proves that you are not clodblooded.Mayde this is generation gap.
1 person likes this
• United States
26 Aug 08
Perhaps it is that. However, there really is no reason for her to have lied to about me like that. I mean I was always warned that she liked to get attention and even to the this day she still creates things to get attention. I was really hurt by that and again, I don't know if I can let it go sometimes. But you are right. i told feel bad for hating her. but I also feel justified. Liv
@magna86 (1787)
• India
26 Aug 08
hi kpendragon77, i know exactly how you feel.. and i have been through this situation!!! and i should tell you this... it is very difficult to cry for a person whom you soo much!! its human nature!! and dont blame yourself for this act!!! its all part of life and you have got to face it!!!somehow!!dear
• United States
26 Aug 08
Thank you so much for that. My father leaves in the afternoon to go to see her in New York. I do not have the finances to go right now. However, you have inspired me to send along a letter that I wish him to read from you. I am going to tell her that I forgive her and that I am sorry if I hurt her in anyway, shape, or form. thank youou magna. You have been a great help. I look forward to more discussions with you. Liv
• India
26 Aug 08
every thing that born has to die so this is a cycle of the life. you just have to pass through it and remember no one escape this truth so it is better we accept it and realize the truth of life
1 person likes this