How do you maintain a friendship without common topics?
@lordwarwizard (35747)
Singapore
August 31, 2008 11:49am CST
Two people usually become friends when they are mutually drawn to each other. And when they have common topics between them, the relationship strengthens and they become better and better friends.
I have such a friend. We were pretty close and engaged in common activities day in day out. But recently, it stopped somewhat irreversibly and there was suddenly nothing in common to talk about. Personally, I dislike discussing the weather or sharing mundane ongoing of daily life. I much prefer spontaneity and do not like to talk for the sake of talking.
It is also "unfortunate" that my "energy level" varies rather unpredictably throughout my everyday and life. Sometimes, I would be in a chatty mood and I feel intoxicated just by breathing polluted air. Other times, I feel withdrawn and poking me would just make me bite your hand.
Because of this lack of common topics, my friendship with this friend has suffered and there is now a distance between us. I do treasure this friendship but I don't want to "lead people on". From time to time, I do become excited again and feel like chatting with her. However, I will hesitate and pull back because I know I might turn tail any time (maybe even right after I just said hello). I feel that if I just talk when I feel like it, it is not too responsible. Yet, I cannot help it which is why I am currently keeping my distance.
My friends, what can you suggest for me? How do you maintain a friendship without common topics?
11 people like this
36 responses
@Lakota12 (42600)
• United States
31 Aug 08
hmmmm we might be twins for I have been feeling the same way about some friends but then we live iun different sates so we dont do things together.
WE just call each other every month or so. then we have things to talk about.
BUt if we really needed one another we would be there for each other hold hands sort of speaking . Just an ear tunned to listening most times this is all a friend ship need!
3 people like this
@lordwarwizard (35747)
• Singapore
31 Aug 08
Yes, that might work (though the friendship might still not be as strong) but you would have to be in a chatty mode and the other in a receptive mood, and the other way when she is the one doing the calling.
2 people like this
@lordwarwizard (35747)
• Singapore
1 Sep 08
Yea, but still, we need both to be in a chattyenough-receptive mood...
1 person likes this
@James72 (26790)
• Australia
31 Aug 08
Any friendship takes effort even if there ARE many things in common all the time; and sometimes even in spite of continued efforts things just run their course. I too have had friends in the past that I have just drifted away from. Friends getting married and having children when other friends don't is one very good example. Priorities etc just change I guess. But I do still feel that friendships can work between complete opposites. But there does have to be at least SOME common ground somewhere. If you are able to find this then hold on to it and make the most of it! If not, then maybe just an occasional call or hook up once in a while will suit both of you. Odds are if you are feeling this way then there is a chance your friend may be also? If the friendship is truly treasured from both ends then there will always be a happy medium somewhere.
3 people like this
@James72 (26790)
• Australia
31 Aug 08
Hmmm. Then to be honest it is nothing short of a dilemma! Go your own way I guess and just keep in touch from time to time. Seeing a movie once in a while can be good also..... You don't have to talk during a movie! lol. Last resort? Find someone that IS similar in personality to your friend and introduce them to each other!
3 people like this
@lordwarwizard (35747)
• Singapore
31 Aug 08
Yup yup, that's why I am fretting... how if there is no common ground?
3 people like this
@fec139 (810)
• United States
31 Aug 08
Every friendship has a lifespan, like any relationship. Some may last a lifetime, but sadly most just don't. If your commonality was a workplace, then the friendship may die when one of you stops working there. Or, if there have been established other commonalities, the friendship may survive. I remained single, and I lost many friendships when my friends got married. Their goals and social circles changed, and I just didn't fit in anymore. Five years ago, I got a disease which has left me totally disabled and without the ability to speak. I have to communicate with a special talking computer, or by writing on a board. Before all this, my friends were all very successful, very busy people. I was able to keep up with their fast pace, but now I am in a wheelchair. My old friends just don't want to be around me anymore. My disability frightens them, and they have no patience for my communication. I've had to make new friends within the community that deals with disabilities. It has been devastating, but it was nothing I could control. Changes in circumstances mean changes in friendships. It is a fact of life, I am afraid.
3 people like this
@lordwarwizard (35747)
• Singapore
1 Sep 08
You are very right and wise in your observations. I just feel it is a waste though - I have had great friendship gone past the point of no return so I don't feel like having this friendship suffering the same fate. 
I am very sad to hear of your situation. I think the best thing you can do is to "pick yourself up". If you "look down" on yourself, others will. Prove to yourself and the world (if you want) that even though you are currently not able to speak, it doesn't mean you have lose your wit and intellect.
Again, it saddens me that such a thing would happen to you. Everyone should have a right to be happy.
I am very sad to hear of your situation. I think the best thing you can do is to "pick yourself up". If you "look down" on yourself, others will. Prove to yourself and the world (if you want) that even though you are currently not able to speak, it doesn't mean you have lose your wit and intellect.
Again, it saddens me that such a thing would happen to you. Everyone should have a right to be happy.1 person likes this
@checapricorn (16061)
• United States
31 Aug 08
maybe you just need to do something like play your favorite sport and with that, it will start to build up for something! I haven't had any friends in my real life whom I don't share the same interest but that will be challenging then if ever I will meet one in the near future! I mean I may try learning the things that she loves to do and maybe she will also discover from my interest! Common topics sometimes will start in common activities!
3 people like this
@lordwarwizard (35747)
• Singapore
31 Aug 08
I am not sure if it is common for friends to always share the same interests since our interests change over time. We may remain good friends but the strength of the relationship might not be as great...
2 people like this
@zigzagbuddha (4601)
• United States
31 Aug 08
Personally I hate it when somebody talks to me just to be polite or to fill space. I consider it an insult actually. There is just NO comparison between a conversation with a friend when you are both feeling 'the magic' of your connection. I would rather go for years without talking to a friend if all of our conversations had become drab and forced, which in my opinion would just completely finish off the friendship! If we have not ruined it with lies (and to talk to someone when you do not feel like talking to them is a lie), then when our paths do cross again it will be fresh and new... and honest.
3 people like this
@lordwarwizard (35747)
• Singapore
1 Sep 08
We are the same in that we hate small talk. Talking for the sake of talking, though possibly helping to maintain a relationship (or it might just backfire) is a test of my patience. 
And LOL zigzagbuddha, that was one funny joke! 
And LOL zigzagbuddha, that was one funny joke! 2 people like this
@zigzagbuddha (4601)
• United States
31 Aug 08
Hehehe, somebody just sent me this in an email and I could not resist posting it here:
MARRIAGE COUNSELING
A man and woman were having marital problems so they went to see a marriage counselor.
The counselor, in an attempt to find some common ground from which to begin his analysis said, 'Tell me about anything the two of you have in common.'
The husband spoke up and said, 'Well, neither one of us sucks d!cks.'
3 people like this
@bunnybon7 (50973)
• Holiday, Florida
31 Aug 08
well id be the wrong person to ask this. i have your same problem. it extends to my family lately even. my daughters are old enough to not talk junk any more, but every time i talk to them its like they are teenagers again. i think they are both having some kind of mid life thing even tho they are 35 and 42!
@lordwarwizard (35747)
• Singapore
1 Sep 08
I don't envy you the situation! Hopefully you can sort things out favorably soon, somehow...
1 person likes this
@lordwarwizard (35747)
• Singapore
31 Aug 08
That's why you are such a lovable butterfly lol.
1 person likes this
@nannacroc (4049)
•
31 Aug 08
This is a difficult one. I became very friendly with two people I worked with at different places but I now find it hard to think of what to say to them. They are both good friends but we now have little in common. Luckily they are similar to me and quite happy to just meet by chance and chat if we feel like it or say we're in a hurry if we don't.
@lordwarwizard (35747)
• Singapore
31 Aug 08
So you know what kind of situation I am in...
It just seems kinda wasted that good relationships go to spoil...
1 person likes this
@mimpi1911 (25464)
• India
20 Sep 08
Hi Lordwiz
I had no clue as to what to write but now As I get down to respond, I think I am getting it right.
Friendship has to be on common grounds or else that's just an acquaintance. Its an amazing vibe and I feel this connection can only come when we feel alike or think alike. Having said this, it need not be all common grounds but we have to have more of the same thinking pattern.
Coming to your friendship, its obvious that you are losing that common ground and the connection has started to fade. But yo still treasure the old times and cannot just let go. I think you would be the best judge and if at all you ant to carry on with this. Both of you must spend more time together. Go watch some movies, hang out to places you both would love to go, do things that has general appeal. Its not not like discussion weather and stuffs like that but like finding out that thin thread that's still there. Figure it and out and go for it. But then if you two are interested or else just let go.
Friendship is a beautiful thing and when you have this hitch in letting go, it goes t show that you still care, you still want it. So, no harm in trying.
Good luck
1 person likes this
@mimpi1911 (25464)
• India
20 Sep 08
Wizzy
sorry for the typos..a lot of them actually!
count on the thoughts, I am sure you will.
1 person likes this
@slickcut (8141)
• United States
6 Sep 08
I am not a real chatty person either.I can sit for a very long time & say nothing..I do not think it is nesessary to continue talking when you are with a friend...I have friends that are too chatty & will drive you nuts with it...Whats wrong with just being with someone & just say something ever now & then or when you feel like it..When you feel you must talk the entire time its more of a chore....I would just tell my friend my moods & if she is a real friend she should understand.I know some people think that if you don't continue talking something is wrong,but like you i do not like idle chatter just for the sake of talking....
@lordwarwizard (35747)
• Singapore
6 Sep 08
Some friends have "comfortable silence"... it's just whether these silences are comfortable.
@dpk262006 (58675)
• Delhi, India
1 Sep 08
Your problem appears somewhat typical. You are right, it becomes easier to interact when you have something common to share with your friends. But at times, you are required to just gossip and talk about other mundane things with your dear friend, just to keep the communication and relationship alive. Talking trivial things does not belittle either you or your friend. To my mind, what is important it 'to communicate', to 'share'........whatever is happening with you and your friend. Having said that I fully buy your argument that 'responsiveness' in a relationship is must. If the same is lacking or say seemingly dwindling from either of the friends and then it becomes difficult to get along well in the long run. In the nutshell, I would suggest - "you do whatever your heart says, not what your mind says to you.....in friendship..... like relationship..............". Best of Luck!
1 person likes this
@dpk262006 (58675)
• Delhi, India
1 Sep 08
Then try your best to know about her and let her know about you..............best of luck!
@lordwarwizard (35747)
• Singapore
1 Sep 08
Hmm... maybe a reason is that we don't know each other well enough. Could be.
@charms88 (7538)
• Philippines
31 Aug 08
"Hi," "Hello," "good morning," "How's your day?" lol!
I am not sure how to answer your question. Two friends sharing common grounds, engaged in common activities day in and day out as you claimed and suddenly, you cut off communication. What do you really expect will be the reaction of your friend? "Oh well...that's too bad, I should just move on and pick another new friend," "Had I done something that warranted this continuous silence?"
Maybe you can easily adjust to this kind of transition, but what about your friend? I am only assuming that both you and your friend had reached that level where you were both comfortable enough to share ideas and anything under the sun without the mask or barrier.
A silly question like "How are you?" is better than hearing nothing at all from your friend, don't you think? It may be sort of an assurance that you are doing good and well. In my experience, I tried to accept everything gracefully however hurt it may be.
The best advice is to tell her that you want some distance for the moment. At least, give her that much. I know she will understand by the time she read this discussion. God bless!
1 person likes this
@lordwarwizard (35747)
• Singapore
31 Aug 08
Aren't those boring greetings?
And no, I didn't cut off communication. More like she was the cause. 
Anyway I don't want to remind her of this since she kept forgetting and I am so nice.
I have tried "how are you?" but she replied with a one-liner of sort which sort of prevented further communication. I did attempt but she did not reciprocate in a way.
Anyway I don't want to remind her of this since she kept forgetting and I am so nice.
I have tried "how are you?" but she replied with a one-liner of sort which sort of prevented further communication. I did attempt but she did not reciprocate in a way. 1 person likes this
@charms88 (7538)
• Philippines
1 Sep 08
Then tell her. Tell her what was the main cause of this sudden lost of interest in your part. My dear baby, we usually resort to small talks with friends to serve as an opening line in ensuring a spontaneous communication. If you have something to talk about, then talk. If none, then just reciprocate by saying "I'm fine." Sometimes a temporary reprieve from our friends is also a good way for us to seek other outlet. By then, we would know just how much this friend and that friend meant to us. :)
1 person likes this
@lordwarwizard (35747)
• Singapore
1 Sep 08
"I am fine" is little better than a curt dismissal. You like that? I can always reply you with "I am fine". I don't think you would like that.
1 person likes this
@poohgal (6845)
• Singapore
4 Sep 08
Are you thinking too much? I feel that you should just follow your heart and not rationalize so much.
I have friends whom I hardly see. We only see each other a few times a year but every time when we meet up, we always have lots to talk about. I wouldn't say we have common interests but we certainly do enjoy listening to each others' life and interests.
Even if you have very different interests from hers, you can try to be open minded towards her interests and listen to her. Listening is also a form of communication.
I have friends whom I hardly see. We only see each other a few times a year but every time when we meet up, we always have lots to talk about. I wouldn't say we have common interests but we certainly do enjoy listening to each others' life and interests.
Even if you have very different interests from hers, you can try to be open minded towards her interests and listen to her. Listening is also a form of communication.
1 person likes this
@saundyl (9783)
• Canada
1 Sep 08
I have a couple friends i don't do much with any more for lack of things to talk about...lack of similar interests. The friends i havent kept my distance from we've made a special thing for us to do together -one i have a regular movie night with another we scrapbook together. I've learnt to only talk about the things in my life that don't make their eyes glaze over with boredom.
Theres a few people i dont see very iften i have trouble thinking of what to say then others i get on so well with that you'd think that we did things together everyday rather than seeing each other once or twice a year.
I'm not the biggest people person so maybe its better to listen to other's advice rather than mine. Hope soemthing out here helps!
2 people like this
@lordwarwizard (35747)
• Singapore
1 Sep 08
Yea, a common activity would help a lot in maintaining friendship.
1 person likes this
@Ohara_1983 (4117)
• Kuwait
4 Sep 08
The best thing is you need to do is saying Hi only to her, just check if she is alright, like me i got a friend that we talk for almost 10 hours in the phone daily same topic but now we dint talk that much, but we need to say hi each other, checking if she is ok that i feel better too. that will be the friendship without any common topic. checking if she is ok will be a good no need to go to the yopic that you daily did.
1 person likes this
@samtaylorskykierajen (7977)
• Canada
5 Sep 08
I would like to know how to do this as well as I have a friend who I do like but we just don't have anything in common . The only thing we really have to discuss is our children and she often repeats the same story over and over when we are talking and I believe this is because she wants me as a friend but we just don't have anything else in common to talk about .
We used to be much closer then we are now years ago when I used to babysit for her when her children were younger . Now we only talk once in a blue moon . She still calls me all the time but often I will let the phone ring because I just don't have anything to say to her and I know how the conversation will go on the phone . Many endless pauses where no one is saying anything !! She doesn't have a lot of close friends and I don't want to completely get rid of her as a friend because she has good intentions , they just don't come across as the best and she has lost a lot of friends because of this and I don't want to be another person to abandon her as I believe we all need friends in life but find it harder and harder to talk to her everytime she calls .
1 person likes this
@lordwarwizard (35747)
• Singapore
5 Sep 08
I think it's kinda sad when friendship goes to "waste". Like your friend who tries to maintain the relationship but the whole thing becomes so contrived. At most you can be good acquaintances only.
@sarahruthbeth22 (43143)
• United States
4 Sep 08
There has to be something you have in common. How else are you two friends? There has to be a subject or activity that you both like to do.There are many things you can talk about or learn about together.
1 person likes this
@byfaithonly (10698)
• United States
5 Sep 08
I can honestly say I don't think I have any true friends that I don't have a common bond with. Even here at myLot I see myself looking at a person's discussions and those they have responded to before approving a 'friends request'. I'm mainly here for fun and if I don't have anything at all in common with another person then it's going to be 'WORK' to be a friend to that person. Afraid I can't really give you any advice on this topic as I obviously avoid people who I have nothing in common with - not to the point of being rude but I like to think of friends as a relationship that is natural, not forced.
@jillmalitz (5131)
• United States
2 Sep 08
The art of friendship includes the ability to handle the ups and downs. People frequently grow apart from friendships as they grow in their own feelings and experiences. It could be as simple as one has a baby while the other doesn't. The friendship thins. Keep the things that you enjoy in common, but keep your own identity. You have to be you.
1 person likes this
@lordwarwizard (35747)
• Singapore
2 Sep 08
Indeed, most friendships (or relationships for that matter) have their ups and downs.
@whyaskq (7523)
• Singapore
1 Sep 08
How many 365 days one has? How many common topics is required to maintain the number of 365 days? There is bound to be a day the common topic is no longer common. When that happens, I do believe the friendship has ballooned to mutual understanding beyond words. Is there any more common topics needed? Personally,I believe in sincerity. Just an occasional hello, joke, mischief brings some shine. Simply be there for the person create wonders. Keeping a distance is definitely a no-no. It will lead to misunderstanding which may end in forever distant. Cherish your friends while you can, friend!
1 person likes this
@lordwarwizard (35747)
• Singapore
2 Sep 08
There can be one common topic and it would be enough to last 3,650 days.
So where's my Häagen-Dazs?
So where's my Häagen-Dazs? 