I need closure!!!!

@makingpots (11919)
United States
September 8, 2008 5:07pm CST
Do you need closure to events in your life? Ohmigosh, I do! Especially if I am feeling badly about my part or role in the event. I have offended a friend and yes, I have apologized for the offense. But the last we talked ended badly and now I feel awful. Sadly, it is not even a friend I have had for long (although I feel as if I've known them for ages). I grapple with the idea that my need for closure is a selfish thing. Not everyone needs it. But this friend has some heavy things happening in their life and didn't need anything additional. I desparately want to speak to them and make things right. But I feel selfish in wanting that so badly. I want to talk about it but it's likely my friend does not. Is my 'need' for closure selfish? What would you do in this situation?
6 people like this
22 responses
@dizzblnd (3073)
• United States
9 Sep 08
Your need for closure is not selfish, but commendable. Too many people have no compassion when they feel they have wronged another. You swallowed your pride, you reached out. That, my friend is all you can do. I was just responding to another discussion about friendships and why some don't last. I will tell you what I told them (in a nutshell) People come into your life to teach you something (in your case, possibly how to be more humble, more compassionate, more conscience... not to say you don't have those things already.. maybe just to bring them out more) Once they have taught you what they needed to learn (or vice versa maybe she needed to learn from you as well) they are out of our lives. Let the fact that you reached out and tried to make things right be your closure. She may or may not come around. If not, let go of the guilt. There is nothing you can do to change the past... just look forward to the future
3 people like this
@makingpots (11919)
• United States
10 Sep 08
You are a wise one, dizzblnd...... but then, I already knew that about you. Thanks for this excellent response. Let the fact that you reached out and tried to make things right be your closure. thanks.
2 people like this
@dizzblnd (3073)
• United States
11 Sep 08
awwww shucks I am glad you found some of my thoughts helpful. Things will work out the way they are supposed to happen.
2 people like this
• Canada
9 Sep 08
Usually I'm too laidback to try to get such things. I will probably just forget about it, let some time pass and speak to the person later. Maybe discuss on the subject of the event, but there is not much apologizing. If something bad happened, everybody is probably involved not just you.
3 people like this
@makingpots (11919)
• United States
10 Sep 08
laidback is a very good thing..... I like laidback people. I'm married to one! Not sure I could ever become laidback enough to just forget things that happen.
2 people like this
• India
9 Sep 08
I would not lead it further because the person who is not bothered to the emotions of the partner in relationship what hell one can go in odd times. Such a person is not fit for to develop any kind of relationship. Such people are required to be discarded right away and need not to be bothered for. Please do not mind these are my personal views
3 people like this
@makingpots (11919)
• United States
15 Sep 08
I will never mind your personal views, sweethomecatring. Thanks for responding.
2 people like this
• India
9 Sep 08
I would not lead it further because the person who is not bothered to the emotions of the partner in relationship what hell one can go in odd times. Such a person is not fit for to develop any kind of relationship. Such people are required to be discarded right away and need not to be bothered for. Please do not mind these are my personal views.
3 people like this
@makingpots (11919)
• United States
9 Sep 08
You are well to your personal views, sweethomecatring. I do not mind.
2 people like this
• India
9 Sep 08
Time is the great healer. Wait and watch if he returns with some sort of explanation there will be no problem in reconciliation. Do not blame your self and try to understand the things. I think every thing will be settled.
3 people like this
@makingpots (11919)
• United States
9 Sep 08
I'm sure hoping everything will be settled. I will try to understand things. Thnx.
2 people like this
@maddysmommy (16232)
• United States
10 Sep 08
What ways have you tried to get in contact with her/him? phone? email? letter? visits to their home? I would try any way I could and if they still didn't respond then I would let it go. If you've apologised and they haven't accepted or can't get over it, then you may just have to leave it. Some people take a while to get over things, so don't feel bad about it. They may eventually come around and unexpectedly you may get a phone call or email to get together for a chat. As long as you have done all you can, then there really isn't anything else you can do. I've been in this situation and apologised profusely and even though there was distance between us when it happened, we have met a few times thereafter and its gotten better. It took a bit of time though on her part to get over it.
@makingpots (11919)
• United States
11 Sep 08
I would love a personal chat with this person! But there is distance in this case too. Perhaps over time as you say.
2 people like this
@angelface23 (2497)
• United States
9 Sep 08
Wow I am just drawn to discussions like this one!! I feel like maybe I might need closure on a subject with my ex. He hates me for something I did to him. I guess I apologized while drunk and he wasn't having it. We hang out at the same bar so I was thinking of saying it to his face that I am sorry for everything. If he doesn't accept it I can't do anything about it but at least I will know that I got it off my chest and it would make me feel better. But I don't know if I just want an excuse to talk to him cause I still have feelings for him. So it's a tough situation. I feel like I am doing the right thing by apologizing but at the same time my intentions might not be so pure.
@makingpots (11919)
• United States
10 Sep 08
You have yourself a stituation here, angelface23. If you still have feelings for him, proceed with caution...
2 people like this
@dawnald (84201)
• Shingle Springs, California
9 Sep 08
I understand the feeling totally. Sometimes the other person isn't willing to give you your closure though. That's a very hard thing to accept!
2 people like this
@makingpots (11919)
• United States
9 Sep 08
It can be hard to accept.
2 people like this
• United States
9 Sep 08
I think instead of calling first, maybe you should send a "Thinking of You" card and apologize in the card again. Since your last conversation ended badly, they probably overlooked the apology. Then wait a few days to see if they contact you and if not, then I think you should call or go see them to get the closure that you seek. If they reject you, at least you know that you tried everything you could to make things better but if they receive you, you may get your friend back or the closure you want. By the way, I don't think it's selfish at all.
@makingpots (11919)
• United States
9 Sep 08
thanks, MrsRich.
2 people like this
@jillmalitz (5131)
• United States
9 Sep 08
Let it go. If you have already apologized you can not really do anything else except by your actions show that you mean it. Time is on your side. Good luck.
2 people like this
@makingpots (11919)
• United States
9 Sep 08
I'm working towards letting it go. thanks, jillmalitz.
2 people like this
@tmunden (34)
• United States
9 Sep 08
Absolutely not. And if it is who cares? We are so busy trying to defend and amend with others for the sake of the others and often times we forget about self. I think you should do what you need to do to complete this circle in your life. Everything happens for a reason. If this person is your friend then they need as much closure as you do.
2 people like this
@makingpots (11919)
• United States
9 Sep 08
this circle of life. I'm suddenly humming Lion King songs. thanks, tmunden.
2 people like this
• United States
9 Sep 08
I dont think its selfish to want to resolve and issue you have had with a friend. Even if they dont want to talk to you they still may need to hear what you have to say... what will it hurt to write or email them and get if off your chest... the worst that can happen is they not write you back... good luck
2 people like this
@makingpots (11919)
• United States
9 Sep 08
good point, thanks.
2 people like this
• Canada
9 Sep 08
yah, i so agree with you. im always the kind of person who always wanted to have closure to important past events in my life. theres a need of closure to me in times when theres so much things undone and words unsaid. it feels like i cant totally move on without having to talk to that certain person and clear things out. well for your case, of course it cant be considered as selfishness on your part since you obviously need it to fully go on with your life and get over it. i think you just take it slow and soon, itl be over :)
2 people like this
@makingpots (11919)
• United States
9 Sep 08
I wouldn't say I need it to fully move on with my life, but it sure would be a relief.
2 people like this
@magojordan (3254)
• Philippines
9 Sep 08
I don't think it is selfish. For me asking for closure is really very hard if especially one doesn't want it. Maybe if you give it just a little more time and not force them into closure then maybe one of these days you would get to have closure with them. I hope you get the closure you need.
2 people like this
@makingpots (11919)
• United States
9 Sep 08
thanks for the input, magojordan.
2 people like this
• Philippines
9 Sep 08
I agree that everyone needs a closure. Let your friend take some time before you speak with him/her. If he/she considers you as a good friend he/she will talk to you. Just give him/her time. Always speak of the truth. Yes, it can hurt you, but that the truth and no one can change it. If you were the one who commit the mistake apologize, if not then explain your side.. Truth will set you and all of us free...
2 people like this
@makingpots (11919)
• United States
9 Sep 08
Yes, I believe some time is needed. I will grant it. Thanks, AltheGreat.
2 people like this
@reesie (22)
• United States
9 Sep 08
I think closure is helpful. I am the type of person who needs closure on things. If not it can feel like the situation will never go away because your always thinking about it. It is always good to put a period on the end of a sentence, so to speak.
2 people like this
@makingpots (11919)
• United States
9 Sep 08
I like that.
2 people like this
@rsa101 (28259)
• Philippines
9 Sep 08
Well I think you need it as well as your friend. But what I see right now is that your friend does not want to and you could not forced it to her. Maybe giver her time to cool things off. Maybe its time that will heal the pain.
2 people like this
@makingpots (11919)
• United States
9 Sep 08
I hope that is the case. Thanks, rsa.
2 people like this
@Shaun72 (15965)
• Palatka, Florida
9 Sep 08
I have learned in the past if I have upset a friend and they didn't want to talk to me, Or never speak to me again . I left them along. I figure if they were really my friends they would come back around. I know it hurts to have friends do this to you. It has me pretty bad in the past.
2 people like this
@makingpots (11919)
• United States
9 Sep 08
Thanks Shaun.
2 people like this
@katsmeow1213 (28895)
• United States
9 Sep 08
I think if you don't do what it is you need to do, you'll regret it for a long time. It will eat at you and drive you nuts, so regardless if it is selfish or not, do something to make ammends. Might I suggest a card with a personal note? That way you know you've made the effort in reaching out, but if the friend does not want to bring up the incident, they can just stop reading the note.
2 people like this
@makingpots (11919)
• United States
9 Sep 08
that's a good point. I'd feel better and they could choose to not read it. We'll see.
2 people like this
@jillhill (37377)
• United States
8 Sep 08
Would you feel any better if instead of talking about it you sent a note? I understand your need. It's easier to put something behind you when you know it's finally over...otherwise it just hangs over your head.
2 people like this
@makingpots (11919)
• United States
9 Sep 08
Yes, a note might make me feel better. But I'm more likely write one and burn it on this one. I feel it would be more for me than for them..... since I've apologized, and made an effort. Thanks for understanding. Somethimes it is just good to hear that someone does.
2 people like this