Guilt being a home

@Shar19 (8231)
United States
September 10, 2008 8:51am CST
I'm a stay at home mom with two children. My question is does anyone feel guilty about not bringing in any money for the family? I've been home for six years now and I'm starting to feel more and more guilty for not being able to help out with the income. That's why I'm constantly trying to find work to do from home that's a real job. It's been getting me down because I can't seem to find anything. My husband wants me to find something to do part time but even if I went somewhere outside of the home to work then we'd still have to pay for child care. Basically it wouldn't make sense to work out of the home. I understand the pressure on the husbands to make the money to support the family when the wife stays at home but why do I feel so guilty? Does anyone else feel this guilt?
9 responses
• United States
13 Sep 08
I'm right there with you! I'm home with 5 kids (4 are in school for most of the day, thank goodness!). The youngest (age 2) is my son with my husband and the other 4 (ages 10, 11, 14, & 15) are my stepchildren. My husband leaves for work at 6am and gets home around 6pm. Like you, I have searched the web over trying to find a legitimate work from home job, that doesn't ask you to pay them to start (I can't even count how many times I have requested "free" information and have had to explain to the people that called me that if I had $499 to give them right now, I wouldn't be looking for a job to start with). My husband thinks I am making excuses for not working, but, unless I'm wrong, they're reasons. As in your case, it is not really worth it to pay for the child care. My husband also wants me to only work part-time (his way of being considerate to me so I don't run myself ragged working and continuing to care for all the kids and the house - how thoughtful) so it would not be worth it for me to spend half of my pay on daycare because then I'm busting my butt for $4 or $5 per hour (before taxes). Since he's not home from 6am to 6pm, I can't work a full shift or else I would have to trust the older kids with the baby (yeah right! we can't trust them with themselves!) and a lot of places don't split shifts. Of course, I hear the comments (constantly) about how I don't contribute and how hubby is exhausted and has no help, so I do feel extremely guilty. The only thing I can suggest to ease your mind is that you are performing the most important job of all - raising a family. If your husband didn't have you, he would be paying for childcare as well as probably a cook and housekeeper, so, while you may not be bringing money into the household, you are certainly saving your husband a ton of money by being there and doing everything that you do.
• United States
13 Sep 08
Ahhhh dare to dream. That would certainly be nice! The funny thing is, when I fill out surveys online, under where you have to choose your employment, homemaker is on the list as well as unemployed. So it's like being a homemaker is considered to be an actual job, we just don't get paid for it (yet).
@Shar19 (8231)
• United States
13 Sep 08
I think your husband and mine must be brothers. They talk to us the same way. I keep telling my husband that even if I did work part time I'd still have to put the youngest child in daycare. Also what happens when my 6 year old is sick and has to stay home from school? Mommy has to stay home too. Oh yeah, how about school holidays and half days - again mommy has to stay home. Do you think daddy is going to stay home? No! So I wonder, how would my employer like it if I had to keep taking off everytime a child was sick and had off from school? I'm sure I'd get fired. When I was working before I had children, the mothers who had to leave the office because a child was sick were ALWAYS talked about behind their backs. Wouldn't it be great if someday there was a law that actually paid stay at home moms for their hard work? One can only dream.
• United States
13 Sep 08
i've been a stay at home mom for about 3 years i worked when we only had one kid but after 2 childcare is too expensive and yeah sometimes i do feel guilt but what can i do he just wantsme to wait until my oldest starts school which is next year that way it will be easier to find a day care so just take it easy on yourself it'll work out
@Shar19 (8231)
• United States
13 Sep 08
Thank you. I know it will work out. I just thought that I would have found something to do from home by now to make money. I've been searching on the internet for years and everything seems to be scams. I guess I just need my husband to be more supportive of me being a stay at home mom.
1 person likes this
• United States
13 Sep 08
i know everything is like a scam you try to do online, but you have to know you do as much as your husband if not more i mean he may go to work and bring home the bacon but you are caring for yours and HIS children and him.i mean kids,house and a husband to care for leave no time for you and they don't get that i wish they could walk in our shoes just one day i believe they would go crazy.lol
@crayola1 (26)
• United States
13 Sep 08
my teenagers help never. every time you ask them to do something its a big deal. so you end up fighting with them. teenagers are so different than they used to be. we always had to help when we were teenagers. i dont know what it is. so no they do not help ever. and if they do, theyve just ruined the rest of your day by fighting with you. they could care less if they get grounded or get stuff taken away from them for fighting with you. they just dont care. i wonder if there is anyone out there that knows of a work from home site that is not a scam that you actually makes money. if there is anyone, please respond to crayola1 and shar19. PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASE. SO MY HUSBAND WILL STOP WITH ME ABOUT IT.
@Shar19 (8231)
• United States
13 Sep 08
Oh lordy I can't wait for the teenage years. Did you ever try to give the kids an allowance to get them to help out. I know our neighbor's do that with their older kids but even they have a hard time getting them to do stuff. What's with kids today? You'd think they'd want to make some money. Did you try joining any survey sites? That's the only way I've made any money online but even then it's never been any more than $10-$20. I'd love to find something I can do for a couple hours a day and make a couple hundred dollars a week.
@crayola1 (26)
• United States
13 Sep 08
i feel that way everyday. and my husband wants me to contribute also. i look for things to do from home to make money. but they are hard to find. most of them are scams. but i actually feel like i do contribute to the home even though i dont bring money in. i take care of three teenagers and one toddler. i cook, do laundry, clean house, clean outside. when i do laundry or run the dishwasher, i try to do them in the off peak hours so not to use so much electricity and save a brother a dollar. you know. and im doing laundry for 6 people. thats a lot of clothes. i have to stay up until 1 or 2 in the morning sometimes and then have to get up at 530 to get kids off to school. i feel like im a contribution. can you imagine what my house would look like if i did have a job. oh my goodness. i cant even imagine. i dont want to imagine. i say quit feeling so guilty and remind him of how much you do.
@Shar19 (8231)
• United States
13 Sep 08
Thanks for your input. I wonder, do you get any help from your teenagers? I'm trying to get my six year old to start helping around the house (like making the bed) but I always get the whining with it. You know that if the husbands were in charge of the house and kids for a day or two they wouldn't get half the attention we give them.
• United States
10 Sep 08
Oh yes....I feel very guilty about being at home and not feeling like I'm contributing to our finances. It is very hard to make our spouses understand that we actually DO contribute financially -- in many ways. If you have children, you are saving money by not having to pay someone to keep them while you work. If you were working full time outside of your home, you would probably be the one who would have to leave work, pick that child up and take care of them -- thus causing you loose money at work if you don't have paid or comp time to take off. I ran into this problem when our daughter was a newborn. My husband was set on me going back to work, which I did. The daycare that our daughter stayed at (like most), required that you pay whether your child comes or not. Just because your child may be out for a week does not mean you do not pay. I feel that it is a reasonable requirement, because as long as someone has secured a place, they cannot take new enrollments. Anyway...our daughter developed RSV (breathing difficulties, chronic congestion, etc...), which kept her out of daycare. Someone had to stay with her everyday (ME)so that forced me to miss work (which caused bitter feelings from my boss and co-workers after a while). I wasn't earning a check (not working because of staying with baby), but we still had to pay for the daycare so she would have a "spot" as soon as she was better (but we had no way of knowing WHEN that would be). That put a financial strain on our family as well as emotional because our hands were tied and we couldn't do anything about it. We decided that I should quit my job and stay home full time, which I feel that I have had to "pay for" emotionally since then. Although she is now 6 and no longer sick, we have had other things that have happened that have kept me at home (making money when I can by working for my mom and dads seasonal business). I had a wreck and had to have reconstructive surgery x 2 on a crushed heel and my husband has been deployed to Iraq 28 months in all over the past 3 years. I am at a point now to where I know I NEED to get a job, but my fear is that when my husband deploys again or goes away to take a required class for 2 months straight, I will be the one working all day long, then coming home at night (to my 2nd job) and take care of everything in our home as well as our 3 children. It is a really tough place to be. In a recent "discussion" with my husband concerning this subject, I told him to just pay me hourly for taking care of our children, the work I do around the house (cleaning, cooking, picking up after everybody), among other tasks and I'll give him my check for bills. He couldn't say anything. When I put it to him that way, he understood (I think) where I was coming from. We do just as much work (for just as many hours) as a full time job would require. The only difference is WE DON'T GET A PAYCHECK. Staying at home is no easy ride, but if a man has a wife who feels a passion for taking care of their family by putting a career & social life on the back burner, they should be grateful, I think. It's not always viewed by many as a sacrifice, but I really believe it is.
@Shar19 (8231)
• United States
10 Sep 08
I agree with you. Being a stay at home mom does mean we make A LOT of sacrifices. Sometimes the men just don't understand how much we actually have to do between chores, taking care of the house, cooking, and taking care of the children. Not to mention when the children are home the mom's are the ones who are actually teaching the children most everything that they learn. When my daughter was younger she went to daycare for 2 days a week and all the kids were amazed at how much she knew. (Thank you very much). I really wish there was some kind of law that provided some money for stay at home moms. Maybe someday we'll get some kind of compensation for all the hard work we do at home.
• United States
10 Sep 08
Hold your head up high....most of us are in the same boat it seems. Hey...the website link suggested earlier on this post is AWESOME! I am working on my resume right now and hopefully, will be able to get some REAL work that pays. You should check it out too. Thanks to the person who recommended it. Funny thing is, I have never stumbled upon that site -- in all the time I have looked for those very same work at home opportunities. I am happy to have it now. :)
• United States
12 Sep 08
Yes, yes and yes. I've been home eight years and I know exactly how you are feeling. I quit my job eight years ago because it just seemed like everything I was making was going to childcare. It didn't make sense. Now that our kids are older, I'm thinking of looking for a part time job. It's been so long since I worked, it's very hard to get myself motivated. I'm afraid I'll be rejected and I can't sttle for minimum pay...that won't make ends meet. What do I right on my resume. Do employees even care what you did EIGHT years ago. Being home use to be fun, but the guilt just takes all the fun out of it.
@Shar19 (8231)
• United States
13 Sep 08
It's good to hear people are in the same position I am with the same feelings. I'm sure you have a good resume, you won't get rejected. Just keep with what you did eight years ago and you can always tell them what other things you've learned over the years that might benefit the company you're applying for. (Ex. if it's an office job, mention any new computer programs you've learned). They'll ask what you did the last eight years so just tell them the truth.
@sedel1027 (17846)
• Cupertino, California
10 Sep 08
When I was home and my husband was making enough that we didn't both have to work, I didn't feel bad. Heck, unless I was making like $20/hour, didn't make sense for me to go to work. Over the summer I would have paid out $225/week for daycare!
@Shar19 (8231)
• United States
10 Sep 08
That's exactly what I was thinking. The job I would get would just be paying for child care. Another problem we have is since my husband is self employed we have to pay for our own health insurance. Obviously if I had a full time job it would cover the health insurance but I still wouldn't be making much since it would all be going into daycare.
@ersmommy1 (12588)
• United States
10 Sep 08
I am sorry you feel guilty. I tend to ocasionally too. But then I remember it was my hubbys idea. And that we are saving on gas, and childcare. I also found some work I can do from home. www.genuinejobs.com That might help. I know it is hard. Especially since I am not making the money I once was. But my hubby is very supportive, and appreciates (most of the time) my efforts from home for the family. You are not by yourself. Maybe you could make a pro con list showing your husband the ways you are saving money.
@Shar19 (8231)
• United States
10 Sep 08
Well before we had children I told my husband I would like to be able to stay home with them. Maybe if I made the list like you said he would be more supportive. I think he's just feeling more pressure now since his business has been slow. I'm going to check out the website you suggested too. Thank you for your help.
10 Sep 08
I had to go back to work full time when my son was 6 months old or we would have lost the house. I found it tough and ended up with depression. It is not easy - in the workplace people see you as a second class citizen especially if you have flexitime hours and mums at schools/ nurseries that don;t work frown upon you like you have disowned your kids. I felt guilty both ways and it realy seriously got to me. Now though as my son is going to school in January we will come out of the other side of paying for childcare (which was 2/3 of my wage) and so should start to become better off. Take time to think your options through and maybe chat to other mums who are or have been in the same predicament.
@Shar19 (8231)
• United States
10 Sep 08
Thank you for responding. This is something I've been thinking about for along time. Your input has been helpful.