It doesn't matter, does it? Or does it?

@dawnald (84316)
Shingle Springs, California
September 17, 2008 1:40pm CST
I already know the answer, so why can't I make up my mind and stick to it? You don't love him any more. You're married. You have children. You have property. You have memories. He's a decent (very, very decent) guy. You don't love him any more. Do all those other things matter? Nope they don't, so what is my problem?
1 person likes this
6 responses
@Bytemi (1553)
• United States
17 Sep 08
I was in your shoes at one time, OK except for the decent guy thing, that really wasn't there, I think that is what made me fall out of love with him. Anyways, we had a child, we had property and we had memories but at some point I decided that it was not worth me being unhappy. I use to worry when he was late coming home from work, what if was in a car accident. What if something happened. Then one day I found myself think, God I hope he doesn't come. That is when I knew it was time to get out.
2 people like this
@dawnald (84316)
• Shingle Springs, California
17 Sep 08
That's what makes me thing the same thing...
1 person likes this
@dawnald (84316)
• Shingle Springs, California
17 Sep 08
"think" the same thing, I meant...
@Bytemi (1553)
• United States
17 Sep 08
I understand the position you are in. You will know the right time to make a move if ever. If you have found that you are in love with someone else. Try and figure out what the person is giving you that your husband is not and see if you can recapture it with your husband. I know it sounds hookie, but this does not have to the end if you both work on it. Mine was kindness and respect and unfortunetly those are two things that once missing are almost impossible to get back.
1 person likes this
@rocker21 (2717)
• India
17 Sep 08
Well i think you couldnt express your problem nicely my problem is i couldnt understand your problem nicely so there is nothing going inside my mind now to how to react on your problem thatas a problem but i gotta solve my problem first to get your problem solved upto an extent!
@dawnald (84316)
• Shingle Springs, California
17 Sep 08
Pretty simple, I don't love the guy so do all those other things matter?
1 person likes this
@livewyre (2455)
18 Sep 08
I dunno whether my view is relevant, but I have long considered that love is a decision not a feeling, and by that I mean I made a decision to love and in a sense it is my duty to love my partner. I would have to make a decision NOT to love for that to change, it wouldn't just creep up on me - maybe I'm being too matter-of -fact about it but it works for me. On the other hand the love I have for my daughter is unconditional and immediate, impulsive, knows no bounds.... I'm not sure how to translate that into a useful answer to your question, but maybe this is my point: What is the basis of your love? - what are the conditions? (I don't believe anybody who says their love for a partner is unconditional, that reserved for your kids...) If we can assume our love is conditional, then we can assume there is a condition that he is not fulfilling - then turn that around on yourself.. do you think there might be conditions that you are not fulfilling too? I have no idea if this is going to help you out, just sounds like you have a lot going for you as a couple and it would be sad to see that end for no really really good reason...
1 person likes this
@dawnald (84316)
• Shingle Springs, California
18 Sep 08
Let's just say that I am hurting over some things that were said and done and for me to even be able to decide that I can love him again, some behaviors are going to have to change and for a long time so that I can see that it's sincere.
@livewyre (2455)
19 Sep 08
Is he fully aware of this? (blokes can be a bit slow - I know, I am one...)
1 person likes this
@dawnald (84316)
• Shingle Springs, California
19 Sep 08
incredibly, painfully slow, despite being told many, many times... but he's starting to get it...
@mikinikih (201)
• United States
19 Sep 08
So what was it that made you fall in love with him to begin with? I'm assuming that's no longer there. But the kids will still be both your kids, even if he's no longer your husband. One of you can keep the property (if wanted). The memories will be there as long as you want them to be. So none of that should make you feel like you need to stay. Tough decision. I've contemplated leaving my dh at times, but so far have always talked myself out of it. But there are those days....
@dawnald (84316)
• Shingle Springs, California
19 Sep 08
The friendship is still there. The rest is not, mainly due to some harsh words and bad feelings. I need a major amount of space right now and if I get it, I can at least not focus on the negative. Whether that will fix anything or not, I can't say.
• Philippines
17 Sep 08
Good day.. Well, it's really up to you. If you can live with him without loving him for the sake of your children then it's a sacrifice I guess you have to make. But ask yourself this, how long could you live like that? Being with a person that you don't love anymore? In the end would you be happy? Would you have no regrets?
1 person likes this
@dawnald (84316)
• Shingle Springs, California
18 Sep 08
I can't live like that long term. We shall see if this marriage counseling stuff helps at all. :-)
@Hatley (164077)
• Garden Grove, California
17 Sep 08
hi dawnald yes I think you do know the answer, but you still have memories and maybe at times you feel guilty having them' because as you say you dontlove him anymore. You may feel by your remembering you are somehow hurting your husband or kids, but you must forgive yourself. Look I may be way off base here but I think your husband, your children your marriage and your property do matter. that is probably what the problem is if I am reading you correctly.
@dawnald (84316)
• Shingle Springs, California
18 Sep 08
yeah part of the problem...