Is Having A Terrible Time Grieving
By CatsandDogs
@CatsandDogs (13963)
United States
September 25, 2008 5:45pm CST
over his mom's death. She died in May but he didn't have time to grieve because of my mom having a bad stroke before her passing. Now 4 months later, it's hitting him like a tornato. He's been in a different world for the past few days and I'm not sure how to help him. Please help me here, any suggestions will be considered and very welcomed!! He's a good man who loved his mother although she was so mean to him as well as the other 4 kids. Out of 5 kids, only 3 kept in touch but at a distance. I could see that it was obvious that they were all trying to get love from this woman, love that they'd never get.... and didn't. So sad and a bad situation but there's nothing anybody could do to change it and now that she's gone, it's hitting hubby pretty hard and I think even more so because it's late grieving. Is there anything I can do to help him cope? He says he's seeing her image in the middle of the night and wakes up seeing her and poof! she's gone as soon as he sees her. That's got to be hard but how do I help him but not smother him? I so want to do the right thing but not sure how or what. Help!!
5 people like this
14 responses
@carmelanirel (20942)
• United States
26 Sep 08
Oh my, he has and is going trough a lot..I don't know how much help this would be, but everyone grieves differently. Like for myself, I prefer to be left alone, but every once in a while I wouldn't mind someone to check up on me..Maybe even make suggestions, like going out to get some ice cream and if I don't want to, they shouldn't push it, but they may catch me at a time where I may need to go out..So if your husband is anything like me, let him grieve, but don't forget about him. Ask him how he is doing once in a while. Ask if he wants to go out and do something, (whatever his interest is, you would know, a favorite place to eat or a movie), and if he turns you down, then back off and try again later..Also pray for him, he needs the shalom, (peace) that only G♥d can give.
@LilyoftheThorns (12918)
• United States
26 Sep 08
I am so sorry for your husbands loss; and what it's doing to you too...everyone grieves for a lost parent; it's a childs instinct. I don't even want to think about the day I lose either of my parents. But I do know when it happens I want the person/people I love most there with me; to help/let me grieve. I think you just have to be there for him, and let him know you are. He lost a loved one, now he needs the others in his life.
Even though she wasn't nice to her children; she is the only image of a parent he has...and children know they are suppose to love their parents. So all you can really do for him now is let him grieve (as long as it doesn't effect his health--make sure he's still eating)...and just grieve with him. That's all he needs/wants.
Good luck! :(
3 people like this
@pyewacket (43903)
• United States
26 Sep 08
First of all with all that has been going on in your lives in general it's like the two of you haven't even had the time to "breathe" if you know what I mean. I think basically the only thing I can say, even though it hurts for you to see your hubby like this, let him grieve...but another idea you might want to explore is maybe for him to get some kind of professional help...Does he talk things out with you or does he keep his emotions bottled up...meaning he doesn't verbally talk things out with you...sometime a professional, outside help may be easier...what one might not be able to discuss with a close loved one (such as yourself) he may be able to discuss to a stranger
1 person likes this
@CatsandDogs (13963)
• United States
26 Sep 08
Oh he's a talker alright.... he'll talk to me and gets so far into it that he won't shut up and it's like he relives the whole thing, I mean re-lives the whole thing and then it'll be his life story and he'll relive that and eventually I'll have to shake him into reality. I sound mean but dang... it scares me and drives me insane! I care VERY much but if he didn't have to relive it to tell it then I can listen but he can't. He's a good man with a good heart for his family and true friends and if he was hurt or angry or even a happy occasion, he relives the whole thing. If he doesn't snap out of it soon then therapy will be the way to go for him. Me too for that matter because I just can't take on anymore even him because I'm about to lose it for real. I just can't take on anymore right now.
@mjmlagat (3170)
• Philippines
26 Sep 08
It's not easy at all to be in your situation, I have been there almost five years ago when my hubby lost both his in just a 20-day interval period. It was just traumatic and very difficult on my part to pacify him since my husband had been their only child. I just stayed with him during the ordeal, my presence and our kids' presence were enough for him to realize letting go of someone important and embrace and appreciate some people more important. Good luck and I hope you can pull this through...just stay with him, if he needs space, give what's due to him.
2 people like this
@nageshnnr (85)
•
26 Sep 08
hii..really we must feel sry for losing his mother........any how past is past .....what i would like to suggest is ....he is getting in her dreams it indicates dat .....how effectionate hje is towards his mother......
and more over he is thinking more abt dat ....so u can make him like........
do something for his mothers sake so dat her soul gets peace...like helping campains and serving the poor.by her mothers name...and making him start a orphanage home or ...extend social service those who are in miseries or ill health
2 people like this
@Katlady2 (9904)
• United States
26 Sep 08
The best thing you can do for him is to just be there for him. Listen when he needs to vent, give him a shoulder when he needs to cry, or just sit with him when he wants to be silent. I wish I had better advice for you hon, I really do. My thoughts and prayers are with you both. Hugs!
1 person likes this
@rsa101 (37968)
• Philippines
26 Sep 08
There are so many ways that i could think of right now. But I think first thing that he should do is pray. that is if he is religious or spiritual person. i guess pray that he will find peace within himself and pray that her mother sould is in good hands already. Next thing is to share with someone who have been with her mother like his other sisters or brothers. Maybe set some time together as a family to honor their mother and pray together.
Next thing if it is out of control already maybe therapist might be able to help him get out of it. Grieving may take some time to heal but it should heal and should not bother him as often. It should fade in time with acceptance, love and trust to person that surrounds him.
@MsTickle (25180)
• Australia
8 Oct 08
Ask him. Talk to him and tell him what you are feeling and that you want to help him. Talk to him about his Mum, go through photo albums if there are any. Ask him about times he remembers. You two seem so close and able to communicate so well...if he opens up and talks about her it must be good ...even if it's bad stuff.
My Mum and I were not close and I thought she was really cold hearted. But six years later I'm seeing all the good things she did for us as a family and for me. Time changes our perceptions and we need time to heal. Your husband is lucky to have you.
I also think that laughter is good for the soul. Funny movies are good and joke books are too. Try not to let your hectic life stress you both, stressing doesn't change anything except to make things worse. Hugs to you both from your friend Tickle.
@Rozie37 (15499)
• Turkmenistan
26 Sep 08
The best thing that you can do for him at this point is let him know that you are there for him and whatever he needs. He is going through a lot right now. The situation you describe makes the child grieve much harder. In his mind, he has loss the opportunity to make right whatever he did wrong to make his mother act that way toward him.
On the surface he does not blame himself, but deep down inside somewhere, he hast to believe that he deserved the way that his mother treated him. Everyone knows what a mother's love can be, but to accept that his mother didn't give him that love, hurts him worse than blaming himself.
He may have been grieving before, but in a different stage than he is now. It could have been denial, shock, or even anger. If it were my husband, I would probably want to smother him with the love that he didn't get from his mother. But that may not be the best thing right now. I think the best thing now is just to make sure you are emotionally available for him right now.
1 person likes this
@Samanthavv (1380)
• United States
25 Sep 08
I really don't know how to help you. All I can say is to be there and give it time. Grieving takes time and mourning isn't easy. Eventually time will heal all wounds, but if it gets too bad, maybe suggest therapy with a professional.
@CatsandDogs (13963)
• United States
27 Sep 08
Thank you. You're right, it does take time which we haven't had a lot of this summer because of all the hell we've been put through but still, he lost his mom and I almost lost mine 3 times due to a brain stem stroke. Anyway, he's doing better now, thank God! My load is so hard to carry and then to add him to it is just overwelming.
@NuclearRabbit (650)
• United States
25 Sep 08
Therapy. Other than that there isn't much you can do, except listen, don't give advice--just listen.
1 person likes this
@CatsandDogs (13963)
• United States
27 Sep 08
Well considering all the stuff we've been through this summer, since April, it's been pure hell and I don't mean to sound mean or anything but I can't handle him too on top of all the cr@p we've had to deal with. He's doing better now thanks. I just wish I wasn't so overloaded so I could be a better wife for him at his time of need but I can't be like I want to but only do what I can.
@TessWhite (3146)
• United States
26 Sep 08
All you can do is help him thru this and talk about it. Maybe he is seeing her at night because she is trying to let him know that she did love him? Maybe she realizes there was unfinished business and is trying to settle it? Surely there were good times in the family, and those are the best to remember. Its not easy when a parent isn't a real loving person, but they had the child so there had to be love there. I think all you can do right now is be a friend to him and listen when he needs to talk.
1 person likes this
@ydb777 (36)
• United States
25 Sep 08
The best thing you could do for your husband is to pray for him. God can help him in ways you can't. Believe me God cares about everything that we go through and right now your husband need you to intercede for him. Lord, I pray that you will bring comfort to CatsandDogs' husband. Give him peace about the relationship that he and his mother had. I pray that through this trial they will come to know You at a level they have not known You before. In Jesus name. Amen.
1 person likes this
@CatsandDogs (13963)
• United States
27 Sep 08
Amen. Thank you very much! Very thoughtful of you to do!! Hubby is doing better now, he was able to snap himself out of it thank God for I can't handle his situation along with mine because it's just too much right now. Handling my parents situation which is awful is enough but this summer, it didn't end just with them either but a lot of other things. Thanks again for the prayer!!
