Should You Cut Off Friends Of The Opposite When You Are In A Relationship?
By queenlove
@queenlove (495)
United States
September 28, 2008 5:39pm CST
This is a situation that I am dealing with. I have a friend that lives over an hour away. I never try to see him, I don't call him on the phone, or anything. The only time I communicate with him is once a month or so he will text me or send me a message on messenger and ask me how I am doing, and I will respond with "Fine". We don't have any out of line conversations and I do not go out of my way to try to hide the friendship, or the messages from my boyfriend.
Because he doesn't like the guy, he flips out on me when he goes through my phone or something and sees a text from him. First he says "I don't care who you talk to, I trust you." But then he goes through my stuff and has a fit. He don't understand that I only want to be with him. He accuses me of wanting to be with this guy, he accuses me of conversating with him more than I do. I am so tired of it.
By the way, I have other male friends and he doesn't say anything about me being friends with them. I can even go to their houses and stuff and he don't get mad. Its only this one guy...
Should I just stop being friends with th guy for the sake of my relationship?
4 people like this
18 responses
@coolmailraj (2460)
• India
28 Sep 08
Hi.
You should not give up your friendship but the intimacy that you share with others up to a certain extend. Being in relationship with someone gives the other person the right to ask questions about you, though it should be in a limit. If the guy you are talking about is not a good friend of yours then it shouldn't be that difficult to give up interacting with him for you special one, that's what I believe.
@queenlove (495)
• United States
28 Sep 08
There is no intimacy between me and the guy. I only deal with him through text messages or myspace. I dont even call him on the phone because I know that I will catch all kinds of drama if I do.
1 person likes this
@schulzie (4061)
• United States
28 Sep 08
I don't know about this. But I think that if you boyfriend loves you then he should not ask you to end friendships that are platonic no matter who it is. It sounds a lot like a trust issue if you ask me. It is not like you live near this person or see him every day, etc. But what if you did - so what? Your boyfriend sounds pretty jealous. My husband and I have friends and sometimes my husband who works with a mutual female friend of ours goes to lunch with her. Am I to assume they are having an affair because I didn't go to lunch with them? Please! It is all about trust.
Have a great day and happy myLotting!!!
Have a great day and happy myLotting!!!
@queenlove (495)
• United States
28 Sep 08
Yes, he has trust issues. He thinks I am just in love with this guy or something. It drives me nuts.
I have lots of make friends and he dont care about them...only this one guy. I might as well just cut the friend off and explain why. If I dont I am going to be upset all of the time because my man wants to argue about him constantly. He goes through my phone and if he just sees a "hello" he starts screaming and yelling, even in public. I cant deal with it.
1 person likes this
@ravinskye (8237)
• United States
28 Sep 08
I think that since you don't talk to this guy more than every few months, maybe you should just not talk to him. if your boyfriend only gets upset when you talk to this one guy then maybe he caught a vibe from the guy that he didn't like. if it was a close guy friend then i would say your boyfriend should just get used to it, but since it is not and probably wouldn't hurt you to not contact this guy then let him go.
1 person likes this
@queenlove (495)
• United States
28 Sep 08
Well, the thing is...my man and I have been together for over 10 years. He used to hurt me a lot. He wouldnt help with bills, and he wouldnt be a man and do his part. So I left him. We were broken up for over a year and during that time, my male friend of mine started spending time together and grew close. Eventually we hooked up.
Now that my man and I are back together, my friend understands that I am faithful and no longer want to be anything other than friends. But my man acts as if I am still messing with the guy. Its not like that. Him and I were friends for like 3 years before that even happend...and if my man would have been doing what he was supposed to in our relationship to begin with then I would not have left him.
For the most part I have cut my friend off. I dont call him and we don't make plans to see each other. Every once in awhile he will text me or I will text him just to say hi and see how each other is doing but thats it. There has never been a questionable conversation or anything.
I think that I am going to get my number changed, delete him from my myspace and just forget the guy exists, friend or not. Because all of the arguing that goes on is not worth it and I am tired of going through it. I am sick of him acting like I cheated on him because that was not the case. I have never given him a reason not to trust me but he treats me like I cant be trusted. I will just cut the guy off.
1 person likes this
@shell94 (990)
• Canada
28 Sep 08
Don';t give up an innocent friendship for a man. Would he give up a woman friend for you? I doubt it. I have been through all this crap and that is what it is ...CRAP! He is treating you like a possession and that is wrong. You are your own person and allowed your own friends ...especially totally platonic ones.
1 person likes this
@queenlove (495)
• United States
28 Sep 08
I feel you. I just wonder if its worth all of the grief I have to put up with in order to just say hello once in awhile.
1 person likes this
@shell94 (990)
• Canada
28 Sep 08
I have read other posts on this comment and you have to give up a friend? I would NOT after what your man has put you through. You are doing nothing wrong and deserve an outside live ....He does not own you hun...please listen to me when I say this.
1 person likes this
@dodo19 (47066)
• Beaconsfield, Quebec
28 Sep 08
I honestly think that you have a right to be friends with whoever you want. After all, they are your friends. It's your life. It doesn't mean that you're in a relationship that you should change your entire life. There are somethings that you and your boyfriend should talk about and make decisions together. However, I don't think your friends is topic that falls into this category. It is not entirely fair for you, if he begins to tell you who to be friends with.
1 person likes this
@apples99 (6556)
• United States
29 Sep 08
This is a difficult one but since you dont talk to this friend much, maybe you should just let it go, because if your boyfriend is that upset I think you should just stop the friendship because maybe he caught a vibe or something from this guy but it dose sounds like your boyfriend is really jealous, but I'm not sure, dose your boyfriend have any female friends like the ones you have, and if so do you mind?
1 person likes this
@trixyteddy (1070)
• India
29 Sep 08
Hi, I don't see why you should give up a good friendship. Its nice of your friend to check in on you at least once a month. There are people who check in on us once a year. If your boyfriend cannot stand him, first talk to him rationally or else 'chuck him' for not trusting you. Sorry i'm being blunt.
@mimico (3617)
• Philippines
29 Sep 08
I wouldn't exactly cut off my friendship with other guys. But I would definitely distance myself from them. Like, I wouldn't go out with a guy when it's just the two of us if I were in a relationship already. Even though we're just best friends, it doesn't seem respectful towards by guy. When other people see us together they will think that I'm cheating on my guy even if I'm not and I wouldn't want that kind of talk surrounding my relationship. I guess it also depends on your partner sometimes because some are more jealous and possessive than the others.
1 person likes this
@Sheepie (3112)
• United States
28 Sep 08
Well, I don't see why you have to talk to him, but your guy is being kind of jealous. He should trust you more. I think that it's not so much that he doesn't want you to be around other guys as it is that he doesn't like that particular guy.
1 person likes this
@asselg1984 (375)
• Philippines
29 Sep 08
Did your bf know how long you had been friends with this guy? Did that guy try to court you before? I think your boyfriend senses something from that guy I mean maybe there was a time when the three of you met and that guy stared at you differently, may it be with admiration or love. Your boyfriend will not think of that if he is not seeing something on that guy. Or maybe your boyfriend is just jealous because you are that close to him and you are so fond of him. The solution to your problem is that ask your bf why he does not like this guy and ask him what he wants to happen and at the same time, try to explain to the guy that you will stop your communication temporarily to avoid more trouble. If your boyfriend's head will be cleared soon and his jealousy vanishes, ask your bf if its ok again to talk to your friend..
1 person likes this
@ahansen (31)
• United States
29 Sep 08
This sounds bigger than your man having a problem with this one friend... Your man has an insecurity in your relationship. Whether he feels that you may leave him for this guy because he knows that you deserve someone better or maybe he's doing his own dirty and suspects the same of you. Either which way, you should think about talking to him about his reasons and see if you can see the truth behind his insecurity. Myself, I would leave the guy alone because he's taken more from you than he'll ever be able to give and you deserve better!
So many women hesitate before taking that step out the door, but so much hurt can happen while you're waiting. Please do what's right for yourself first and foremost and your relationship second.
Best Wishes!!!
1 person likes this
@skatsquatch (11)
• United States
29 Sep 08
ABSOUTELY NOT!! just because you have a guy friend, and a boyfriend doenst mean you have to give up a friendship!!! sure he'll be mad but he'll get over it!! and if that was the case....bisexuals would.t have any friends lol
@Rasylum (14)
• United States
29 Sep 08
I felt like this with my girlfriend. Except she was really good friends with one of my best friends. He wasn't the best looking guy. I still got mad, cause they hung out a lot. I trusted them, cause my friend even told me "I would stop being friends with her if it bothers you". I always accused her of flirting with him, but she said that's just how they act.
I realized now, I should have trusted her..
@skysuccess (8858)
• Singapore
29 Sep 08
queenlove,
I think the issue here is simply the fact that when you initially broke up with your current boyfriend, this guy came along and the both of you hooked up. Now, as baffling as humans and relationships can be you decided to make up with this current one despite being treated very badly in the first 10 years - I am sure that he has gone through a 180 degrees here (I'm not sure). Yet, at the same time this guy seems to be a gentleman of gentlemen, respected your wishes and let you go to be back with your boyfriend.
I feel that you should introduce the both of them and let the both of them have a meet up. I felt that sometimes there is no point trying to defend for the other person as this will only create more misunderstanding than any good and that your man has valid grounds for his behavior. If you are certain that the other party has no interest other than being your casual friend, I do not see why you cannot organize a meeting together with your man over dinner or some drinks. If the other party has a partner, then encourage him to bring his partner along. I am sure that this will settle the issue much effectively and more reassuring for your man than doing the verbal here. Sometimes action speaks louder than words and I could not disagree here for your situation.
@qianlizhifeng (468)
• China
29 Sep 08
Here I'd like to talk about my friends.I have six to seven close friends of middle school.After graduation we hardly have any commnication ,even on some festivals.However,the friendship have never changed.Last Chinese Spring Festival,all of us had a party together .We talked a lot about our life and friendship.And now ,if anyone of us has some difficuty,others will help immediately without any words or hestitation.
So in my opnion ,the real friendship should be firm any time ,no matter when you're busy or not .There is no need to talk too much or to much massages.When one has any difficulty ,others don't stand by.
@jimssaftytips (507)
•
29 Sep 08
There is mistrust there was their ever a reason when u r with this new boyfriend that u gave him reason to dislike guy?
But if u want to keep your relationship with this new guy i would suggest that u might want think about doing just that cuz he evidently doesnt feel comfortable with him and if u care about the relationship sit down and talk to him and ask what the problem is and straighten it out.
@esilanna (168)
• Malta
29 Sep 08
Hello mylotting friends!!! Friends are essential in life. A true friend is very hard to find, and so it is not nice to be in a position to choose between a friend and a relationship. I think if your partner gets to know your friend he/she will accept it. Happy mylotting!!
